Childless

[Lily0fthevalley]

Well i received news that my cousin’s wife is pregnant, while i am happy for them i can’t help but feel a small amount of jealousy, and yes it does sting alittle bit because everyone i know is pregnant, or has a child or two.

I am not able to get pregnant, i have turner syndrome and have known about it since i was 16 that i wasn’t able to have kids. For the longest time i have thought and felt that this was God’s way of punishing me for whatever reasons. I have brought it up to my RCIA teachers and they would tell me God isn’t punishing me, maybe there is a reason i can’t get pregnant, maybe i am supposed to do something else whatever that is. I have to admit it does gets a bit annoying when people still constantly asking me when i am going to have kids or if i have kids.

Yes DH and i have thought about adopting from Korea, but that isn’t going to happen anytime soon especially now Korea wants to close outside adoption and try to get the locals to adopt. Seems like the rich are the only ones that are able to adopt from overseas and we are far from being rich. So right now adopting isn’t going to happen, not anytime soon anyway.

My family have no idea what to say when i tell them about my feelings of wishing i was able to have a child. Which i don’t blame them. I wouldn’t know what to say either if the role was reverse.

So how do childless women cope of that feeling of wanting a child and everyone around them is having kids?.

 

[etmom]

I’m do sorry you are struggling with this. I do want to encourage you on the adoption front - what a wonderful way to grow a family!! There are many children waiting for families. Adoption isn’t only for the rich. One of our children is adopted from Ethiopia - at the time we adopted, the costs were quite reasonable to adopt from there. Are you familiar with the tax credit? I believe it is currently in excess of $11,000. Many families are able to take out a short term loan, and repay it immediately when they get their tax credit. It makes adoption much more affordable for more families. Older children often come with grants, there are many adoption organizations that also issue grants. Adoption through foster care, while not an easy path, has very little cost. Many of the costs associated with adoption are not all due at once, but are spread out, making it easier (immigration fees , homestudy fees, etc)

I know families who have use fundraising to fund their entire adoption. every penny they could save, garage sales, tax refunds, bake sales, garage sales, raffles, Tupperware, you name it. It is possible, and if God is calling you to adoption, He will help make it happen. Maybe Korea is not the right country for you - there are many others!!

You will be in my prayers.

 

[28562]

I know your situation is not easy…but let me try to put it in a little perspective for you to try and make it sting a little less.

We have some very good friends who got pregnant a couple years ago. During the pregnancy, the husband (against the wife’s wishes) got a vasectomy. She ended up losing the baby at 34 weeks. She had to go through labor and everything, knowing that she was delivering a child she would never raise–and that they would not be able to conceive another one. Within a few months of that, 3 or 4 of her close friends became pregnant. I can’t imagine how hard that was.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

So how do childless women cope of that feeling of wanting a child and everyone around them is having kids?.

I do not have children. I am a step-parent, but that did not happen until I was in my mid-40s. I know well the feelings of watching others having children when you cannot. It’s miserable, there’s no getting around that, but the feelings do pass. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to accept the fact that I will not have children and no longer grieve what will never be.

One thing that helped me tremendousy was finding ways to serve children. For me that meant tweaking my career path so that I was teaching younger people. For others it might mean volunteering or fostering. You might consider, through much prayer, ways besides parenting to serve kids.

Questions about when you’re going to start your family get tiresome. And I never felt I needed to explain why I was not pregnant. When people would ask me when it was going to my turn for a baby shower, I would fix the questioner with a look of pity, a look that said, “I am so sorry no one taught you it’s rude to ask questions like that.” I never got asked twice, and I never had to explain myself.

Luna

 

[CopyKat]

I know your situation is not easy…**but let me try to put it in a little perspective for you to try and make it sting a little less.**We have some very good friends who got pregnant a couple years ago. During the pregnancy, the husband (against the wife’s wishes) got a vasectomy. She ended up losing the baby at 34 weeks. She had to go through labor and everything, knowing that she was delivering a child she would never raise–and that they would not be able to conceive another one. Within a few months of that, 3 or 4 of her close friends became pregnant. I can’t imagine how hard that was.

Not sure how that little story is supposed to ease OP’s sting… but okay…

To the OP, I am so sorry and have no words to ease your pain but want you to know that I am praying for you! God bless you!

 

[Stevonsky]

Hello there.

I am extremely sorry for your situation but don’t give up yet. reecesrainbow.org/ I know this isn’t exactly what you are looking for but it is an example of a charity that helps people fully fund international adoptions. It is full of valuable information and people to talk to as they are very helpfull.

It is rediculous how much it costs to adopt children internationally but don’t be put off, faith and help are all you need.

Hope this helps!

Stephen.

 

[28562]

Not sure how that little story is supposed to ease OP’s sting… but okay…

When I am down about things, it always makes me realize just how blessed I am when I realize that there are people out there that are worse off than I am. That was my point…if it was missed, I apologize.

 

[Lily0fthevalley]

thanks for your prayers. I always get over it after awhile

 

[heart4home]

When I am down about things, it always makes me realize just how blessed I am when I realize that there are people out there that are worse off than I am. That was my point…if it was missed, I apologize.

I sometimes call this one upping… Sure somebody always has it worse and I do understand what you are saying, but sometimes we just need to grieve and be allowed to. I have lost two babies at 20 weeks of pregnancy and yes, I also have beautiful children here on earth to raise.

Well meaning people would try to put things in perspective saying that I could have carried them longer and then had them die, I had healthy children already, etc. etc. Of course all those things were true. But the truth is I just needed to grieve for what we had lost at that time. The potential to raise those children here on earth. To love them and hold them and watch them grow.

I’m sure this woman knows others have things worse than her at times, but for now she is grieving for the children she wishes she could have bore. She’s having to come to terms with the way life is. Even if she adopts, that will be a different part of the journey, but it doesn’t erase the grief that she feels right now. It just brings happiness then.

OP, I’m sorry for your sadness and pray you find comfort and eventually peace with what is.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think that couples grieve children that they wanted and couldn’t have just as surely as if these were children they had and then lost. It is a different grief, but it is a real grief. If your child whom you hoped for had lived and then died, you might easily feel pangs of loss and even jealousy as you watched your nieces and nephews go through each phase of life that you never got to spend with your child. I would predict that if you adopt, you will still feel the loss of this particular child you wanted to have to some extent, just as surely as a mother of many children still grieves if any one of them dies. You may come to accept it, you may feel the pain of it less, you might find consolation in finding a child who needs your motherly love, but I don’t think you’ll ever forget this loss entirely, at least not until the Lord comes back and wipes away every tear, and all things hidden are made known.

Do you remember the prayer Hail Holy Queen, which is traditionally said at the conclusion of the rosary? The bolded part below is what I think of when I feel grief in this life:

Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy,
our Life, our Sweetness, and our Hope.
To Thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve.
To Thee do we send up our sighs mourning
and weeping in this valley of tears.
Turn then, most gracious Advocate,
Thine Eyes of Mercy toward us,
and after this our exile show us the
Blessed Fruit of thy Womb, Jesus.
O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary.
Pray for us O Holy Mother of God
That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

It is a vale of tears that we live in. There is real suffering and real grief. Our Lord and Our Lady know the feeling of grief. They have known the thirst of loving someone who was not there, who would not be there, who had been taken away. When Our Lord was at the tomb of Lazarus, after all, Jesus wept.

I guess I would suggest looking into any of the things that people who grieve deaths find help them. You might find a support group of women in your situation. You might pray or have Masses offered for the poor souls, those who feel the loss of having no one to pray for them. If you would have named a child Anthony, for instance, you might start a St. Anthony scholarship fund at your parish school. You might decide to do some great work because of this love you have for a child that you were not blessed to give birth to.

I think you get the idea. There isn’t a right way or a wrong way to deal with this, except perhaps if you were to try to deny that you really do have something to grieve or tell yourself that there is no limit to how much and how long you can legitimately let this grief overwhelm you. In between those two extremes, there is a way for you to get through this particular “vale of tears” that is uniquely yours. Put your hand in the hand of God, just as if this were a more widely appreciated loss, and let God lead you through it. When God leads his faithful, after all, every loss is eventually transformed into a victory, to the glory of God. In time, though. In time.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I haven’t read the entire thread, but I thought I’d share a bit of my story.

I’m single – never married. It was always a dream of mine to marry and have a house full of children. Well, I’m almost 42; and neither have happened. I know that God could still lead me to a husband, but the chances of becoming a mother at this point are slim to none when you consider I’d still have to meet the man, get to know him and date him, and then get married. So I’ve pretty much come to grips that being a parent is not in my future.

I say that to say this: I think sometimes we get so bogged down in thinking about what we don’t have that we lose sight of the blessings that we do have – and I’m just as guilty of this. I can have some major pity parties for myself. So while I would certainly encourage you to keep thinking about adoption, I would also urge you to take notice of your blessings – be happy in your marriage, be happy for your friends having babies and be a great aunt to them (and any of your siblings’ kids). And every once in a while allow yourself a good cry and allow yourself to mourn the loss of that dream in its original form and open yourself up to the new dreams that God will place on your heart.

 

[EasterJoy]

…every once in a while allow yourself a good cry and allow yourself to mourn the loss of that dream in its original form and open yourself up to the new dreams that God will place on your heart.

You remind me of a reflection by Fr. Ron Rolheiser; I recognized the metaphor of a vale of tears in it when I first read it, and I think that is why I liked it:
ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=265

Here’s the conclusion:

"*We experience this in our daydreams. There we feel the discrepancy between what we yearn for and what we can actually have, though there comes a day when we realize that, this side of heaven, our yearned-for consummation is not to be had. But the fire doesn’t die. We ache just as much after the realism soaks in. It’s then, when we realize that so much of what we yearn for is not to be, that, like Jepheth’s daughter, it’s time to head for the desert to make peace with our souls and with God for the infinite patience that is asked of us.

Karl Rahner once said that “in the torment of the insufficiency of everything attainable we come to realize that here in this life all symphonies remain unfinished.” Former spiritualities called this living “in a vale of tears.” There is nothing morbid about such a statement.

In the end, one way or the other we all die as virgins, never having fully experienced consummation, barren, never having given birth. Celibate or married, we all sleep alone. There comes a time to mourn this so as to find the joy that lies on the other side, after the grief, on the altar of sacrifice*."

 

[28562]

I sometimes call this one upping…

Yeah, that’s what I was trying to do.

 

[anilorak13ska]

I have been married for 9 years, and we have no children due to severe male factor infertility. We tried to adopt for over four years, domestically and internationally, through foster care. We fostered a little girl for 10 months, but that ended very abruptly and in an ugly way. Since then, due to false accusations, we are no longer eligible to adopt in this country.

We are currently “on hold” trying to help my husband lose a lot of weight, as we suspect that this may restart sperm production, but we do not know. There is no cause for his azoospermia, so we have to hope, right? Meanwhile, it’s also come to my realization that if it be God’s will, we could still adopt if we moved to another country. Therefore, I’m not despairing.

I won’t tell you to “just adopt”, bc I know full well that it’s not as easy as some people seem to think it is. As you mentioned, cost is one factor. Although there are organizations that try to offset the cost, and there is the tax credit, nothing ever seemed to work out for us.

You don’t mention why you’ve only looked into international adoption… have you considered domestic adoption? Or adopting from foster care? I don’t suggest this bc I think it’d be easier or cheaper (believe me!), just that different things work for different people. And while our fostering experience was horrendous, it had a lot to do with our county. You may have a great experience, and you may be able to adopt straight without fostering, you just never know until you try. And fostering and adopting from foster care doesn’t cost you anything.

Domestically, you can adopt without an agency if your state allows it, which would reduce your cost dramatically as you’d only pay for an attorney, homestudy/post placement, and your own networking/advertising. We had 4 matches this way… sadly, all four changed their minds.

But as for your question about dealing with childlessness in the meantime… while in IF circles, it’s the number one faux paux to say to a grieving IF woman “look on the bright side”, in all honesty, if our faith is fixed on Christ, we really would benefit from heeding this advice. I’ve become much more sensitive to my single friends and their sadness over not having a spouse, and I rejoice and thank God all the time for my wonderful husband. If we never have kids, at least I have a great partner to go through life with. But this sort of attitude must come from within. It doesn’t help to be told to find the silver lining, I know.

I also must say that I LOVE the comment from one of the posters about how to respond to nosey questions: “I’m so sorry no one taught you it’s rude to ask such personal questions” I will be using that one! I think it only stings us as long as we’re sensitive to being childless (of course, how can we not be?). But I’ve also gotten questions about other areas of my life that I may feel sheepish about, but bc I’m not as sensitive to it, I can brush it off or respond honestly and without hurt feelings. It takes a lot of grace, and I mean the kind from the Holy Spirit, to go through life childless, for however long. ((hugs))

 

[anilorak13ska]

I sometimes call this one upping… Sure somebody always has it worse and I do understand what you are saying, but sometimes we just need to grieve and be allowed to. I have lost two babies at 20 weeks of pregnancy and yes, I also have beautiful children here on earth to raise.

Well meaning people would try to put things in perspective saying that I could have carried them longer and then had them die, I had healthy children already, etc. etc. Of course all those things were true. But the truth is I just needed to grieve for what we had lost at that time. The potential to raise those children here on earth. To love them and hold them and watch them grow.

I’m sure this woman knows others have things worse than her at times, but for now she is grieving for the children she wishes she could have bore. She’s having to come to terms with the way life is. Even if she adopts, that will be a different part of the journey, but it doesn’t erase the grief that she feels right now. It just brings happiness then.

OP, I’m sorry for your sadness and pray you find comfort and eventually peace with what is.

Beautifully said!

 

[Serap]

oh hugs to you. Life can be so unfair sometimes!

 

[rapunzel77]

I know exactly what you are feeling. Just this past Sunday my husband and I attended the baptism of a newborn baby boy of a friend of ours (who now has three sons). When we went to the after party, everyone there either were pregnant, had just delivered their babies, or just have several kids. My husband and I were the only ones there with NO children . We have been married for nearly four years and my husband had a bad medical problem which realistically prevented us from conceiving. Finally, he got the surgery back in April to fix the problem. He is recovered now so that we can resume trying to conceive. I will be 35 in November and I feel that time is ticking very, very fast. We are also very poor and there isn’t much chance of us to get loans, etc so adoption, realistically is out of the question. It is to easy to tell and infertile couple that there is always adoption or look at the bright side, etc. Do you know how painful it is? To hope every month that there is a possibility that you’re pregnant, even experience “pregnant” like symptoms and then to discover, after your period has come two weeks late, that it was just a stupid period after all??? This is also one of the reasons why I stopped charting. I hated the agony of that EVERY SINGLE MONTH . It is highly frustrating and I don’t think that the Church honestly does enough to welcome infertile couples. How does one deal with it? So, yes I know exactly what you are going through , Its not easy.

 

[EasterJoy]

So how do childless women cope of that feeling of wanting a child and everyone around them is having kids?.

It’s hard. It just is. It isn’t good to dwell on it, but it is OK to accept that it is a grief of your life.

Is there a chance you could adopt an older child or children? They also have this problem that everyone around them is wanted, but they are not, because they’re not babies any more. It stinks to be in foster care, to keep moving around. It stinks to have problems that makes people not want to adopt you. Maybe one of those children could be the one you’ve been hoping for, and you could make lemons into lemonade together?

 

[Serap]

I know exactly what you are feeling. Just this past Sunday my husband and I attended the baptism of a newborn baby boy of a friend of ours (who now has three sons). When we went to the after party, everyone there either were pregnant, had just delivered their babies, or just have several kids. My husband and I were the only ones there with NO children . We have been married for nearly four years and my husband had a bad medical problem which realistically prevented us from conceiving. Finally, he got the surgery back in April to fix the problem. He is recovered now so that we can resume trying to conceive. I will be 35 in November and I feel that time is ticking very, very fast. We are also very poor and there isn’t much chance of us to get loans, etc so adoption, realistically is out of the question. It is to easy to tell and infertile couple that there is always adoption or look at the bright side, etc. Do you know how painful it is? To hope every month that there is a possibility that you’re pregnant, even experience “pregnant” like symptoms and then to discover, after your period has come two weeks late, that it was just a stupid period after all??? This is also one of the reasons why I stopped charting. I hated the agony of that EVERY SINGLE MONTH . It is highly frustrating and I don’t think that the Church honestly does enough to welcome infertile couples. How does one deal with it? So, yes I know exactly what you are going through , Its not easy.

I got married at 35 and had my first baby at 36…don’t sweat it yet.

 

[anilorak13ska]

It’s hard. It just is. It isn’t good to dwell on it, but it is OK to accept that it is a grief of your life.

Is there a chance you could adopt an older child or children? They also have this problem that everyone around them is wanted, but they are not, because they’re not babies any more. It stinks to be in foster care, to keep moving around. It stinks to have problems that makes people not want to adopt you. Maybe one of those children could be the one you’ve been hoping for, and you could make lemons into lemonade together?

I agree that adopting an older child could be a wonderful blessing. We tried to adopt older kids, siblings, from foster care several times, but we were never deemed a good match. However, one thing I’ve learned is not to adopt an older child bc you feel sorry for them. You really need a certain set of parenting skills to take on a child with the sort of emotional and behavioral needs that many of them have. They’ve experienced neglect and maybe abuse for many years, so it’s no wonder that they will act out - it’s only natural. But for someone to go from IF and childless to parenting an adolescent (most kids in need of adoption in foster care are teens) is quite a jump that requires solid discernment. I learned this bc I think I wanted to adopt older kids too quickly, not realizing that I really don’t have what it takes. They deserve parents who have really thought their commitment through. Just my 2 cents