Childless

[EasterJoy]

I agree that adopting an older child could be a wonderful blessing. We tried to adopt older kids, siblings, from foster care several times, but we were never deemed a good match. However, one thing I’ve learned is not to adopt an older child bc you feel sorry for them. You really need a certain set of parenting skills to take on a child with the sort of emotional and behavioral needs that many of them have. They’ve experienced neglect and maybe abuse for many years, so it’s no wonder that they will act out - it’s only natural. But for someone to go from IF and childless to parenting an adolescent (most kids in need of adoption in foster care are teens) is quite a jump that requires solid discernment. I learned this bc I think I wanted to adopt older kids too quickly, not realizing that I really don’t have what it takes. They deserve parents who have really thought their commitment through. Just my 2 cents

That is absolutely true. No one, not a spouse not a child, deserves to be taken on out of a sense of pity when they ought to be taken on as a beloved.

Having said that, please know that many parents of their own birth children think “I don’t have what it takes to survive this kid”. Having nine year-olds did not get me ready for having thirteen year olds, and a lot that lulled me into complacency! (What happened to that compliant sweet boy I used to have? ) Kids can be a horse of a totally different color at that age, even compared to their former selves. I mean to say you may be being too hard on yourself! Some teachers, though, love the middle-school and high school age more than any other. There is so much energy and personality and ability blooming. It is an exciting age, too.

The thing is, when you get a child by birth, you get what you get, and that can include disabilities, quirks, talents that nobody else in the family ever thought of having, the whole gamut. You are right that a parent needs to “count the cost”, but it is totally OK to adopt a child without knowing what is in store, without knowing that you can do it. You can never know! You just swim because you’re in the middle of a lake with no boat…what else are you going to do? Some get smooth waters and some get choppier waves, but that is how parenting always works. Adoption is no exception. You need to think it through, but just as in marriage, it is possible to overthink it. Sometimes you take Nike’s cue, and because you’ve decided you will do it, you Just Do It.

That is up to the OP and her husband, though. At any rate, adoption won’t erase the feelings that she’s feeling now, any more than having another child would erase the grief of having lost one. I raised the issue of adoption only because the OP obviously thirsts to parent, too, and not only to give birth. There are kids out there who have a complementary thirst, so to speak. They may even want to try being foster parents, who knows? That is all I mean.

 

[anilorak13ska]

I don’t think that the Church honestly does enough to welcome infertile couples.

I’ve been feeling this same thing - not in an accusatory kind of way, just from observation. We were part of a small group bible study during Lent, and as the subject of “cry rooms” came up, one lady actually stated that she thought “everyone”, including “non parents”, should pitch in.

The parish registration form we filled out took up over half the page with questions about children we do not have.

There are groups for singles or “young adults” (but up to 40 max), families, children, retirees (who are bound to talk of news about their grandkids) and if you don’t fit into one of those categories, you’re sort of out of luck.

The Christian radio station I listen to (I know, this is sort of beside the point, but humor me) has as part of it’s “pitch” that it’s “family safe and kid-friendly”, so if I want to listen to it, I have to make peace with constantly hearing about other people’s kids.

We have tried to start a support group at our church for childless married couples, but we had no takers yet. We’ll be running the ads again in the fall with a specific date and time scheduled for a meeting, since I think people may be more likely to just drop by.

Unfortunately, I think with the pressure that is on couples to procreate, many IF Catholic couples either do turn to adoption (which is great if you’re called to it and are found eligible) or, sadly, to illicit treatments. I think many don’t want to discuss the possibility of actually living out their lives without children. Frankly, I once asked about this here on the forums, and got little helpful advice. People just don’t hear it when you say that not everyone CAN adopt. It’s not a matter of being open to it.

But I know there’s others like us, who have suffered for years in silence because there’s no outlet for them. Others may judge them for not adopting, or accuse them of contracepting, when they have no idea what they’re really going through.

I think we need an outlet, a uniquely Catholic outlet, for those of us who find ourselves in this “no-man’s land” of family life. After all, on our wedding day, God made my husband and me a family of two. We are already a family, albeit without children. We vowed to be open to new life, but God has not willed it so far. Why should we be judged for that? Rhetorical question, of course

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ve been feeling this same thing - not in an accusatory kind of way, just from observation. We were part of a small group bible study during Lent, and as the subject of “cry rooms” came up, one lady actually stated that she thought “everyone”, including “non parents”, should pitch in.

The parish registration form we filled out took up over half the page with questions about children we do not have.

There are groups for singles or “young adults” (but up to 40 max), families, children, retirees (who are bound to talk of news about their grandkids) and if you don’t fit into one of those categories, you’re sort of out of luck.

The Christian radio station I listen to (I know, this is sort of beside the point, but humor me) has as part of it’s “pitch” that it’s “family safe and kid-friendly”, so if I want to listen to it, I have to make peace with constantly hearing about other people’s kids.

We have tried to start a support group at our church for childless married couples, but we had no takers yet. We’ll be running the ads again in the fall with a specific date and time scheduled for a meeting, since I think people may be more likely to just drop by.

Unfortunately, I think with the pressure that is on couples to procreate, many IF Catholic couples either do turn to adoption (which is great if you’re called to it and are found eligible) or, sadly, to illicit treatments. I think many don’t want to discuss the possibility of actually living out their lives without children. Frankly, I once asked about this here on the forums, and got little helpful advice. People just don’t hear it when you say that not everyone CAN adopt. It’s not a matter of being open to it.

But I know there’s others like us, who have suffered for years in silence because there’s no outlet for them. Others may judge them for not adopting, or accuse them of contracepting, when they have no idea what they’re really going through.

I think we need an outlet, a uniquely Catholic outlet, for those of us who find ourselves in this “no-man’s land” of family life. After all, on our wedding day, God made my husband and me a family of two. We are already a family, albeit without children. We vowed to be open to new life, but God has not willed it so far. Why should we be judged for that? Rhetorical question, of course

Are there other couples like you near by? Maybe you will be the nucleus for a group of couples who can do many things, both in charity and in recreation, that parents seemingly can’t do or don’t do…like serve the poor during times when families with children (their own or grandchildren) can’t or don’t do it or going off for whole weekends at a time on a regular basis. Those without children may be free to be more devoted to serving God, at least during those times. There may even be people who are divorced and don’t have custody that have a need to find an outlet for the time they “aren’t devoting to their kids”.

Maybe you just need to find each other, in order to have support and community in doing it. You have to be ready that some of you probably will have children through pregnancy or adoption, after all, but still, I bet that the need does exist outside of just you two.

 

[anilorak13ska]

EasterJoy, I hope I didn’t come across as in any way questioning your suggestion to adopt older kids, bc that’s not at all what I meant. I just remember from my time of trying to figure out initially what type of adoption to pursue, I wanted the kids that “no one else wanted”. I didn’t want perfectly healthy Caucasian infants bc they’ll have no trouble finding an adoptive family. But in time, I had to access my strengths and weaknesses as a caretaker, as well as balance that with my husband’s preferences. Honestly, I do still wonder about adopting an older child from time to time. And I love love love this quote:

“There are kids out there who have a complementary thirst, so to speak.”

By the way, do you have any links to adoption? I’m just curious how you’ve become so outspoken for the cause.

As for your ideas, thanks! We are trying to find other likeminded and similarly-situated folks, though it’s tougher than one would expect. I guess not many people like to admit in real life that they are struggling with IF. There’s a lot of misconceptions about it. You do make a good point about the fact that while the type of ministry may not be unique to childless married couples, our ability to commit to a certain time together without need of a babysitter is something that is unique to our situation. So thanks for pointing that out