Children acting up in church beside me

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I was at church last Sunday and there is a family with a 2 year old and a 3/4 year old beside me. The parents are very nice, but their children are ill behaved during mass and they are not disciplined well when they act up. Usually they sit on the other side along the first row with my daughter.

Last Sunday, they sat beside me and my 15 month old daughter. The older boy decided that he wanted to play with my daughter during the Eucharist prayers (which I felt was innappropriate). I was nice to the little boy, but I really didn’t want my daughter to begin acting up because I have gotten her to behave well during mass. He was trying to give my daughter a quarter at one point and I had to tell him nicely that my daughter might choke on it.

I tried so hard to be kind to the little boy because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He stood right in front of me and DD (while we were kneeling down) and we couldn’t see what the priest was doing. I remained nice, but kept my DD away from him as best I could. I think the boy’s father finally caught on and told his son to sit beside him. His son wouldn’t listen and his father was rather complacent. Then the 2 year old girl wanted to play with DD.

When we were asked to show a sign of peace I then began to talk to the children and shook their hands, but honestly, even as a fellow parent, I had wished that the parents were a little more strict during the Eucharist.

As a parent myself, I love to hear the sweet sounds of children during mass and understand that they will not always cooperate…heck, my daughter has had her share of interruptions 🙂 I felt like I was put in a really awkward position.

After mass, the little boy came up to me and said, “Does your baby like me? Was I in the way?”

I felt sooooo bad! I said to him, “Yes she does! You’re just a little boy, you weren’t in the way!” while rubbing his arm.

I still feel bad! I just don’t want my daughter to learn to behave badly during mass. Parents, what would you have done?
 
Serap said:
After mass, the little boy came up to me and said, “Does your baby like me? Was I in the way?”

I felt sooooo bad! I said to him, “Yes she does! You’re just a little boy, you weren’t in the way!” while rubbing his arm.

I still feel bad! I just don’t want my daughter to learn to behave badly during mass. Parents, what would you have done?
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I think you handled it well. The only thing that may have been helpful is to tell the little boy that it is very important not to play in Church so that is why your daughter wasn’t playing with him. And then say, now that Mass is over, would you like to come say hi to her? End on a happy note. Who knows…having a stranger tell him that Mass is not a play place may just give him pause… I know, I know, he’s just a tiny tot, but one can hope!
 
We have 4 children; the oldest is 6 and know how difficult it can be for parents. We attend a wonderful parish and there are many, many children at Mass so we’ve seen it all.

I think you handled the situation well and suggest that you try to think of things this way: These parents may not be the best in terms of discipline. However, they are bringing their children to Mass. So many parents don’t attend Mass and use any excuse possible. I know of other parents who talk of not going to Mass because they are afraid what others think. Kids are kids and they make noise. Overtime, the boy will become better behaved and it may be accelerated by observing your children.

Practically speaking, perhaps you should try to sit a few rows in front of this boy. You may even sit in a different area some days.
 
Serap said:
I was at church last Sunday and there is a family with a 2 year old and a 3/4 year old beside me. The parents are very nice, but their children are ill behaved during mass and they are not disciplined well when they act up. Usually they sit on the other side along the first row with my daughter.

Last Sunday, they sat beside me and my 15 month old daughter. The older boy decided that he wanted to play with my daughter during the Eucharist prayers (which I felt was innappropriate). I was nice to the little boy, but I really didn’t want my daughter to begin acting up because I have gotten her to behave well during mass. He was trying to give my daughter a quarter at one point and I had to tell him nicely that my daughter might choke on it.

I tried so hard to be kind to the little boy because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He stood right in front of me and DD (while we were kneeling down) and we couldn’t see what the priest was doing. I remained nice, but kept my DD away from him as best I could. I think the boy’s father finally caught on and told his son to sit beside him. His son wouldn’t listen and his father was rather complacent. Then the 2 year old girl wanted to play with DD.

When we were asked to show a sign of peace I then began to talk to the children and shook their hands, but honestly, even as a fellow parent, I had wished that the parents were a little more strict during the Eucharist.

As a parent myself, I love to hear the sweet sounds of children during mass and understand that they will not always cooperate…heck, my daughter has had her share of interruptions 🙂 I felt like I was put in a really awkward position.

After mass, the little boy came up to me and said, “Does your baby like me? Was I in the way?”

I felt sooooo bad! I said to him, “Yes she does! You’re just a little boy, you weren’t in the way!” while rubbing his arm.

I still feel bad! I just don’t want my daughter to learn to behave badly during mass. Parents, what would you have done?
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When I was asked “Was I in the way?” I would have answered, “Yes, you were,” because he would not have asked that question if he did not sense that might be the case. Then I would have added, “Mass is not playtime; we all, parents and children, come here to sit quietly and learn about God. The baby is only little; next time can you help me teach her how to act when she’s as old as you?” Appeal to him as a partner and an “older brother” with a job to do. Then if he misbehaves next time, you can whisper to him, “Remember, set a good example,” nodding toward your baby. No one could possibly object to that.
 
Serap said:
As a parent myself, I love to hear the sweet sounds of children during mass and understand that they will not always cooperate…**heck, my daughter has had her share of interruptions 🙂 **I felt like I was put in a really awkward position.
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Hopefully the people sitting near you at those times weren’t too irritated. 😉

I have a 2 and a 4 year old, when mine get too rowdy, I take them to the back. 👍
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
I think you handled it well. The only thing that may have been helpful is to tell the little boy that it is very important not to play in Church so that is why your daughter wasn’t playing with him. And then say, now that Mass is over, would you like to come say hi to her? End on a happy note. Who knows…having a stranger tell him that Mass is not a play place may just give him pause… I know, I know, he’s just a tiny tot, but one can hope!
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I agree, you handled it well. You don’t want to hurt him. It’s not his fault his parents are paying attention. He doesn’t seem to know better. Maybe by watching you, he will learn how to behave. If you had been mean to him, that could have given him a bad attitude about going to church.
You were very kind!
 
Anyone else see the obvious approach? Time to speak directly to the parents, not the child. If you explain what you are trying to do w/ your kids and avoid direct criticism of what they are doing or not doing, it may be easier to solicit their help in keeping their kids in their own seats so you and your kids can focus on the mass. That is not inappropriate or harsh, but a simple appeal to work together to teach what is appropriate mass behaviour to the youngest members of the parish.
 
Orinarily I wouldn’t say anything to other people’s kids, but since he got into your face, its fair game.

Here’s some things I’ve done over the years:

I point to my ears and then to the priest. (Sorry can’t listen to you right now, my ears are busy)

I put my finger over my lips and then point to the priest (please don’t talk to me now, the priest is talking to me)

I point to my eyes, then to the priest (sorry, can’t watch you right now, I’m watching the priest)

I make a point to whisper to my own child, “You are doing such a great job of paying attention and listening. I know its hard when someone wants to play with you.”

And what a great teaching moment for the boy to ask you if he was in the way. I would have told him I was so glad he was at Church. Then I would have told him that during Mass your daughter is watching and listening to the Priest, and she is not supposed to play until afterwards.

If it continues another day, I might be less than subtle next time and lean over and tell the child your daughter is trying to be good during Mass, and she will play with him later.
 
Arlene said:
If it continues another day, I might be less than subtle next time and lean over and tell the child your daughter is trying to be good during Mass, and she will play with him later.
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This is a great idea. I’m such a WUSS. I find it very difficult to be direct with little sweet innocent children 😛

I would also be too chicken to say something to the parents. I hate any kind of conflict.

I think I’ll try the above quote next time. I think it would work well and it’s a compromise for me in a sense. I can still be sweet to the little boy, but also be assertive and set an example.

THANKS! Glad I got very positive responses. It’s good to know that I handled it ok. I felt bad about it b/c little ones are so easily hurt.
 
Thank you, Island Oak. Common sense at last…

Why couldn’t you just say to the other parents, “I am working really hard to teach my daughter to be quiet and sit still in church. Your little ones trying to get her to play is making that really hard for her. Can you please tell them she can’t play right now?” 🤷
 
basilisk said:
Thank you, Island Oak. Common sense at last…

Why couldn’t you just say to the other parents, “I am working really hard to teach my daughter to be quiet and sit still in church. Your little ones trying to get her to play is making that really hard for her. Can you please tell them she can’t play right now?” 🤷
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Because not everyone (as evidenced by the OP’s last post) has the type of personality that makes that easy. I know I don’t. For some it might be the first choice, but for others it would take a lot more, and ongoing, disruptions to prod us to confrontation.👍
**
And I do not think it is “common sense”. I think everyone thinks their own brand of advice is common sense when it, in fact, is not. There are many personality types, each with their own good and bad traits.**

Just because the OP did not immediately confront the parents does not mean she lacks common sense:nope:
 
That’s an easy approach for people who don’t mind conflict. I for one, hate conflict especially with strangers.

The advice of talking to the parents is not something that I or many would be comfortable with. It could work for some though and those who have enough courage to speak up like that…good for you.

I on the other hand am a WUSS!!! 🙂
 
Okay, I never said it had to be the first choice. But these parents seem oblivious. If another parent was actively trying to keep my kids away from their kid during Mass, I think I would pick up on that. Once that tactic did not work, then talking to the parents should have been the next step.

And notice I never said anyone should “confront” anyone. The conversation should, of course, be had in a polite and non-threatening tone. It is not wrong to ask other parents for their help and cooperation. I very carefully phrased my suggestion to show a parent asking another parent for help.

It’s not fair, though, to wallow in cowardice and then blame others when what you need or want doesn’t happen. Speak up and help yourself.
 
basilisk said:
Okay, I never said it had to be the first choice. But these parents seem oblivious. If another parent was actively trying to keep my kids away from their kid during Mass, I think I would pick up on that. Once that tactic did not work, then talking to the parents should have been the next step.

And notice I never said anyone should “confront” anyone. The conversation should, of course, be had in a polite and non-threatening tone. It is not wrong to ask other parents for their help and cooperation. I very carefully phrased my suggestion to show a parent asking another parent for help.

It’s not fair, though, to wallow in cowardice and then blame others when what you need or want doesn’t happen. Speak up and help yourself.
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so how do you REALLY feel? 😃
 
Well, you could just fix the little visitor with the Mom Look and say Sit Down in the Mom Voice. I once had to do that on an airplane when a Mommy handed her fractious two year old a bottle of bubble stuff to play with! I took it away from her and told Mommy that I was on my way to a conference and was wearing my best suit and would not have time to have it dry cleaned if her child slopped soapy water all over me.

Mommy whined something like I just cant make him be quiet. I fixed him with the Mom Look and said HUSH, not loudly but firmly, and he Hushed. After that when he started to fuss, one look from me dried him right up.

I learned that from MY Mama.:cool:
 
🤷 ** I would have just said quietly, but firmly, “We don’t play at mass. We’re here for Jesus right now.”**
And then place daughter on your other side, face forward and ignore him.
No big deal.
Hurting the boy’s feelings wouldn’t have bothered me, but I don’t think saying that would hurt feelings.
If it makes you feel better, twice (which isn’t much over the years) I’ve decided to set my family in a different pew after receiving eucharist rather than return to an annoying situation. One of those times, MY kids was the annoying situation and it was just easier to move him than to deal with the temptation.
 
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