Children and funeral homes

[sarah_g]

Recently the father of one of our neighbors passed away. Our neighborhood is very close with children that are very close in age (between 8-13, some a little younger). When everyone was discussing attending the visitation, all were saying that they needed to find sitters for their children so they can attend, and some were surprised that we were bringing our children along ( they are 8 and 10) We normally bring them with us, as they are well behaved and husband and I feel it’s important for them to show their support and condolences as well. My father passed away when they were 4 and 6 and they are no strangers to death and the grieving process. I was just wondering everyone else’s thoughts on this. They have never shown any fear or despair on attending and we always discuss the situation beforehand.

 

[Aggie414]

This is just my personal opinion, but I think that children should be brought to funerals/visitations. How else will they learn about death? Now, if they’re little (maybe under the age of five), that might be questionable about bringing them – especially if it’s someone they are not close to – but as you mention, this was a neighbor. They will notice that the person is no longer there.

I think parents sometimes try to protect their children too much – and I’m all for keeping kids kids as long as you can. In my opinion they grow up WAY too fast – BUT this is part of life.

 

[Flagstone]

I’m only speaking for myself here. My uncle passed away when I was ten and my father pointed out his body in the casket from a distance. It was an image in my head long after that. It frightened me and I wished I could have forgotten it. It does nor bother me today. Other people may have a different experience.

 

[pianistclare]

I think people do well to show their children the real side of death. The loss, the outpouring of compassion and the rituals associated with it.
We can’t just say silly things like “Mr. Smith is an angel in heaven now” and “we’re not going to take you to the funeral home or the funeral because you’ll get scared”.

People grow up with all kinds of phobias and can’t function when their friends or relatives die. It causes huge emotional problems. Obviously there is an age factor that parents should address, but knowing how we as people (and a church) deal and cope with death is healthy. That’s part of educating our young people.
It’s my opinion that this is precisely why God made pets.
So children of all ages can experience loss, learn to grieve, let go, and love beyond time.

 

[Allegra]

Funerals are part of life and I think children should see them.

 

[cheezey]

My first death was of a neighbor, who died suddenly. She was only 47. I adored her. We had moved away about six months earlier, from eastern MA to western. My mother had two things to consider. Do we all go for the drive? Just the older two kids or all four?
(17, 15, 12 and 8. I am the youngest.)
My mother decided it would just be my parents. To show no favoritism, for one, and two, she didn’t want my first all-encompassing experience to be with someone I knew and loved so well. I was hurt because I was too young to understand her logic.
A few months later, my great-grandmother died. This was the death my mother chose for my first all-encompassing experience. I didn’t know her all too well, really. Just an imposing figure of my youth.

I’ll never know which could have been the better choice.
With the neighbor, it might have been my first normal expression of grief since I knew and loved her. (Free rides on her horse!) Or it may have creeped me out for knowing her.
With my g-grandmother, I was creeped out because I didn’t really know her. I remember asking my mother, “What if she’s still breathing when they close the lid?”

Only recently did I realize that my greatest fear, being buried alive, may have predated the incident I thought had caused that fear. It may have subconciously started with my g-grandmother’s death and my mother’s decision. Or it indeed may have been from the incident decades later. Only God knows.

My long winded way of saying,
it depends on the child and his or her relationship with the departed.

 

[Book_Worm]

I agree that it is very dependent on the child. My niece was seven when my DM died. She begged to be allowed to go to the visitation. Someone picked her up shortly before the afternoon visiting hours ended so she could be there for a few minutes. She took the sight very calmly and asked if she could come back for the evening visitation because there would be another visitation in the funeral home and she wanted to see that dead body, too.

My DD was in college when my DFIL passed away. He was the first person close to her to die, and it took her a long time sitting in the reception area before she could bring herself to walk into the room.

Some people find being in the room with a body to be very upsetting.

 

[pianistclare]

I agree that it is very dependent on the child. My niece was seven when my DM died. She begged to be allowed to go to the visitation. Someone picked her up shortly before the afternoon visiting hours ended so she could be there for a few minutes. She took the sight very calmly and asked if she could come back for the evening visitation because there would be another visitation in the funeral home and she wanted to see that dead body, too.

My DD was in college when my DFIL passed away. He was the first person close to her to die, and it took her a long time sitting in the reception area before she could bring herself to walk into the room.

Some people find being in the room with a body to be very upsetting.

Very true, but the important part is that they loved and respected the person enough to try.
That’s what really matters. There’s no shame in being overcome with grief. God bless her.
It’s also an opportunity (age appropriate of course) to remind people of what the Church says about our bodies versus our souls.

 

[PrayPsalm51]

Children will have a lot of questions and it’s important to answer them and ask them questions too. It’s important to expose them and in general best if the first experience is not someone very close. If I were you I would bring them.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I attended my great grandfather’s funeral at age 7…I think I turned out fine.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think children ought to go to funerals. I went to them from a young age, so did my kids. They are frequently the altar servers for funerals, too, and it has impressed them how much the family always appreciates having them there.

A ritual is far more comforting when it is your turn if it is a familiar ritual. Death is less difficult to face if you realize that it comes for us all. That is the self-interested reason to take children to funerals. Burying the dead is a spiritual work of mercy, and children should get the idea that attending a funeral is an act of kindness to the family and an act of respect towards the deceased. Just praying for them is good and proper, but it is not a substitute. It is an effort to go to a funeral, but an effort we ought to expect ourselves to make, and an effort that anyone of any age can make. That is the unselfish reason to take children to funerals, and they ought to be taught that explicitly. Not everything done in a church is about us and what is in it for us.

Having said that, I think everyone ought to have a choice about whether or not to view the remains of the deceased. Some are very comforted by it, but others find they are better able to preserve the memory of the person living if they do not have the image in their mind’s eye of the person after death.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If you are concerned about your children’s well being, it appears to me they seem to be able to handle it and there is nothing wrong with bringing them.

If you are asking about your neighbours choice of parenting, I think they are free to make their choices

 

[sarah_g]

If you are concerned about your children’s well being, it appears to me they seem to be able to handle it and there is nothing wrong with bringing them.

If you are asking about your neighbours choice of parenting, I think they are free to make their choices

Definitely NOT asking about their choice in parenting. Simply curious how others feel about exposing their kids to this situation.

Thanks all.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Definitely NOT asking about their choice in parenting. Simply curious how others feel about exposing their kids to this situation.

Thanks all.

Thanks for clarifying. As I said before, it seems your kids are comfortable with it so I see no reason not to bring them

 

[andrewstx]

This is just my personal opinion, but I think that children should be brought to funerals/visitations. How else will they learn about death? Now, if they’re little (maybe under the age of five), that might be questionable about bringing them – especially if it’s someone they are not close to – but as you mention, this was a neighbor. They will notice that the person is no longer there.

I think parents sometimes try to protect their children too much – and I’m all for keeping kids kids as long as you can. In my opinion they grow up WAY too fast – BUT this is part of life.

When I was just 7 years old I was very traumatised by my Grandad’s open coffin Baptist funeral. I had nightmares for several days. I think perhaps it should be considerd on a case by case basis.

GO HORNS

Just kidding, I did not go to college in Texas at all.

 

[GEddie]

This is just my personal opinion, but I think that children should be brought to funerals/visitations. How else will they learn about death? Now, if they’re little (maybe under the age of five), that might be questionable about bringing them – especially if it’s someone they are not close to – but as you mention, this was a neighbor. They will notice that the person is no longer there.

I think parents sometimes try to protect their children too much – and I’m all for keeping kids kids as long as you can. In my opinion they grow up WAY too fast – BUT this is part of life.

I disagree.

You don’t need to see someone dead to learn that death means the person is gone, full stop.

Being dropped into a mass of grieving adults can be traumatic for children, and their last memory of the family member involved will then be a memory of death.

It is not worth it, IMNAAHO, to “say goodbye” to someone already gone; but it is of course the parents’ call. ICXC NIKA.

 

[heidi_storage]

I disagree.

You don’t need to see someone dead to learn that death means the person is gone, full stop.

Being dropped into a mass of grieving adults can be traumatic for children, and their last memory of the family member involved will then be a memory of death.

It is not worth it, IMNAAHO, to “say goodbye” to someone already gone; but it is of course the parents’ call. ICXC NIKA.

Would your answer be different for a close family member? I went to my father’s funeral when I was nine, and of course it was upsetting, but I can’t tell you how awful it would have been not to have been given some opportunity to say goodbye. If someone you love just never came home, and you could never talk to him–how terrible. It’s still terrible living with that, but at least the funeral is a recognition that we are now taking our leave of the person.

It’s good to know that the person is dead, and that this sort of absence is entirely different from other sorts of absences.

 

[GEddie]

Would your answer be different for a close family member?

Only for immediate family.

I went to my father’s funeral when I was nine, and of course it was upsetting, but I can’t tell you how awful it would have been not to have been given some opportunity to say goodbye. If someone you love just never came home, and you could never talk to him–how terrible. It’s still terrible living with that, but at least the funeral is a recognition that we are now taking our leave of the person.

It’s good to know that the person is dead, and that this sort of absence is entirely different from other sorts of absences.

So do you hold that it is necessary to see the dead body to accept the death?

What about situations where this is not possible?

ICXC NIKA.

 

[pianistclare]

Only for immediate family.

So do you hold that it is necessary to see the dead body to accept the death?

What about situations where this is not possible?

ICXC NIKA.

Not all funerals visitations have open caskets. That is a family decision, and they generally take into account the make-up of the families. Sometime it is open for a time, and then closed as members of the extended family and friends arrive.
There can be cultural traditions that govern one way of thinking over another, as I suspect was going on in your case.
The body can be upsetting to all ages. The main point of the discussion is that a family should shy away from discussing death and permitting experiences that can help a child to grow up without bizarre notions about death.
That can and does, vary by child, and by age.
I’m so sorry you were traumatized.
Peace, friend.

 

[GEddie]

Not all funerals visitations have open caskets. That is a family decision, and they generally take into account the make-up of the families. Sometime it is open for a time, and then closed as members of the extended family and friends arrive.
There can be cultural traditions that govern one way of thinking over another, as I suspect was going on in your case.
The body can be upsetting to all ages. The main point of the discussion is that a family should shy away from discussing death and permitting experiences that can help a child to grow up without bizarre notions about death.
That can and does, vary by child, and by age.
I’m so sorry you were traumatized.
Peace, friend.

That is OK.

I thought the discussion was about forcing kids into a potentially traumatic situation just to “teach them a life lesson.”

Death is bizarre by nature; what bizarre notions could kids who do NOT attend funerals possibly gain?

ICXC NIKA.