Children and funeral homes

[pianistclare]

That is OK.

I thought the discussion was about forcing kids into a potentially traumatic situation just to “teach them a life lesson.”

Death is bizarre by nature; what bizarre notions could kids who do NOT attend funerals possibly gain?

ICXC NIKA.

Well, what you see as “forcing” I see as “permitting them to learn a life lesson”.
I just hope that parents do not do as much damage by not entering into a real discussion (age-appropriate) at these times. It’s really not so much about attending potentially disturbing gatherings, as it is about acting like nothing happened and poof! Your beloved friend/relative magically disappeared to heaven. You relative is now and angel watching over you. I’ve had many friends freak out because they think their grandpa is watching their every move like some kind of celestial snitch. Anytime we hide the truth, we do out children a disservice. Many times people think the loving thing to do is to hide all pain, all sadness, all problems from their kids lives. It’s actually quite harmful. A parent’s role is to teach…parent know their children. They know what they can handle and what they realistically cannot. But we shouldn’t hide anything from our kids. I see it every day in our youth groups with kids who have no idea that others in the world have no running water.
Off topic example, but you get what I mean.
peace.

 

[heidi_storage]

Only for immediate family.

So do you hold that it is necessary to see the dead body to accept the death?

What about situations where this is not possible?

ICXC NIKA.

Necessary? No. Often, though, I think it can be enormously helpful. Of course, as other posters have remarked, it does depend on the family and on the child. And naturally, a parent ought to keep a close eye on the child and try to determine if the child is becoming frightened or horrified. I certainly don’t advocate traumatizing children.

 

[EasterJoy]

I disagree.

You don’t need to see someone dead to learn that death means the person is gone, full stop.

Being dropped into a mass of grieving adults can be traumatic for children, and their last memory of the family member involved will then be a memory of death.

It is not worth it, IMNAAHO, to “say goodbye” to someone already gone; but it is of course the parents’ call. ICXC NIKA.

I have been going to funerals since I was very young, one of which was for a high school student neighbor who died in a farming accident, and I don’t remember it as being “dropped into a mass of grieving adults.” One or two of them would have a very hard time, but they were comforted by those around them. Most adults do OK at funerals, though.

Before the thing is over, at the luncheon afterwards, they’re laughing and telling fond stories of the person who died. The death itself was not the main topic of conversation, but instead the person’s life, and the ways in which they were loved and admired. It taught that we make a difference in this life to those around us, that we have all these people who will be there for us if someone in our family dies. I actually found it a reassuring experience, not a traumatic one.

More to the point, the families of the deceased are comforted by having you there, and this is true even when you aren’t grown up yet.

I will concede this: If either of the parents of the child finds funerals traumatic, that is a reason for deciding that children ought to stay at home. Seeing someone very upset at a funeral is not traumatic, but seeing your mother or your father getting very upset could be. It is hard for a young child to understand that it is OK for their parents to cry and show intensely sad emotions. I would definitely concede that.

This is what I’d say if someone asked my advice. If no one asks, though, it is the decision of the parent, and no one else’s. If this is what they want to do, let it go.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I generally think is good for kids to not be sheltered from wakes and funerals. I don’t think it’s necessary for young kids to see the bodies of people who they barely know, but in most situations, I don’t think it’s bad either. We have brought our children to open and closed casket wakes at just about all ages, and the only time one of our kids had a hard time was when my youngest was 4 - seeing a stranger in a casket (it was a friend’s father, and we didn’t have a better plan for babysitting, nor did we know she was going to react this way) got her thinking a lot about death, and in particular my death, which was tough. Interestingly, the body didn’t scare her - it was just that it made the concept of death real to her. But she did get over that phase, and I don’t know that she wouldn’t have gone through that anyway at some point. In hindsight, if I could have avoided that experience I would have, but she came through it unscathed. Two years later, she accompanied me to the (open casket) wake of another person that she didn’t know, and it didn’t seem to affect her at all. My other kids have all dealt with wakes pretty matter of factly, and in fact, with curiosity about the body (which is natural, but which we have to be cautious about, lest they say something embarrassing or insensitive in front of the grieving family).

When I was 6, the body of my great grandmother scared me a little - but I’m quite sure it was because my older siblings were messing around and acting as though she was going to jump out and grab us from the coffin at any minute.

While I do think that it is legitimate to bring or not bring your child to a wake, when almost everyone keeps their children away, I think it is a sign of a culture that coddles its children and is afraid of dealing with the truth. Again, not that everyone who chooses that thinks that way, but when everyone does…

 

[PolarGuy]

Children should go to funerals.

It is our Christian duty to attend them as adults. Not taking children leads to children who grow into adults who don’t attend funerals.

My went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 7. I asked my father if I could touch my grandfather’s hand in the casket. I did. His hand was cold. My father told me, “it’s cold because his soul isn’t there anymore, his soul is with God.”

A powerful thought, at age 7. I never forgot it (and I happen to think Dad was right).

 

[sarah_g]

The first funeral my children attended was my father’s (their grandfather) at ages 4 and 6. Had it been anyone else I probably would not have taken them. My father’s death was expected, but happened in less time than we thought. So I did have some time to prepare them and we had lots of talks.

Since that time, they have been to a handful of visitations, but not a funeral Mass. My father was not Catholic, therefore there was only brief service following the visitation at the funeral home. Would I bring them to a funeral Mass? My 10 year old probably, not so sure about my 8 year old. I do think it’s very important for children, who have a good grasp on what’s happening and are not troubled by it, to be exposed to this experience. I would never force my children to go, just for the experience sake, if they did not want to or had worries about it.

Because my husband and I were the only set of parents out of 5 others who were ok with bringing our kids, I just wondered if it was unusual to bring children to visitations. Now I have no clue how their children handle death, so it might be their reactions and not simply the parents thinking it’s not appropriate.

 

[sarah_g]

Children should go to funerals.

It is our Christian duty to attend them as adults. Not taking children leads to children who grow into adults who don’t attend funerals.

My went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 7. I asked my father if I could touch my grandfather’s hand in the casket. I did. His hand was cold. My father told me, “it’s cold because his soul isn’t there anymore, his soul is with God.”

A powerful thought, at age 7. I never forgot it (and I happen to think Dad was right)./QUOTE

I let my kids touch my dad in the casket, and also their great grandfather. I did not want their bodies to be a scary thing.

 

[sarah_g]

Children should go to funerals.

It is our Christian duty to attend them as adults. Not taking children leads to children who grow into adults who don’t attend funerals.

My went to my grandfather’s funeral when I was 7. I asked my father if I could touch my grandfather’s hand in the casket. I did. His hand was cold. My father told me, “it’s cold because his soul isn’t there anymore, his soul is with God.”

A powerful thought, at age 7. I never forgot it (and I happen to think Dad was right).

I let my kids touch my dad and their great grandfather. I didn’t want them to be scared of their bodies.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I think children should go to funerals, but perhaps not view the deceased’s body. I agree with this:

I think everyone ought to have a choice about whether or not to view the remains of the deceased. Some are very comforted by it, but others find they are better able to preserve the memory of the person living if they do not have the image in their mind’s eye of the person after death.

That can be quite a difficult experience. It took me years to get the image of my dead grandmother out of my head, and I was 27 when she died. I wouldn’t have my children view the body of the deceased, but would have them participate at everything else.

 

[pianistclare]

At the very least, the children should be brought to the Funeral Mass (Mass o f Resurrection).
This is a beautiful thing for the surviving family and friends. We go to support them, and each other. Prayers offered for the repose of the soul, and in remembrance of a life are always a good place for children to be.

 

[EasterJoy]

The first funeral my children attended was my father’s (their grandfather) at ages 4 and 6. Had it been anyone else I probably would not have taken them. My father’s death was expected, but happened in less time than we thought. So I did have some time to prepare them and we had lots of talks.

Since that time, they have been to a handful of visitations, but not a funeral Mass. My father was not Catholic, therefore there was only brief service following the visitation at the funeral home. Would I bring them to a funeral Mass? My 10 year old probably, not so sure about my 8 year old. I do think it’s very important for children, who have a good grasp on what’s happening and are not troubled by it, to be exposed to this experience. I would never force my children to go, just for the experience sake, if they did not want to or had worries about it.

Because my husband and I were the only set of parents out of 5 others who were ok with bringing our kids, I just wondered if it was unusual to bring children to visitations. Now I have no clue how their children handle death, so it might be their reactions and not simply the parents thinking it’s not appropriate.

I think it has a lot more to do with how the parents handle death than anything else. Let’s face it: who really has a “good grasp” of death, of the sacred mysteries, of the Kingdom of Heaven, or of anything else that we grapple with for a lifetime? A little child has as good a chance of “grasping” it as anyone else, primarily because a child does not expect to “fully understand” the things she learns about.

I agree about not forcing a child to go who was worried about it. I wouldn’t let a child stay home because they were being lazy or couldn’t stand the thought that they might be bored. That is more of a self-centered attitude than a problem with the concept of death, dying, and the open sharing of grief.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Recently the father of one of our neighbors passed away. Our neighborhood is very close with children that are very close in age (between 8-13, some a little younger). When everyone was discussing attending the visitation, all were saying that they needed to find sitters for their children so they can attend, and some were surprised that we were bringing our children along ( they are 8 and 10) We normally bring them with us, as they are well behaved and husband and I feel it’s important for them to show their support and condolences as well. My father passed away when they were 4 and 6 and they are no strangers to death and the grieving process. I was just wondering everyone else’s thoughts on this. They have never shown any fear or despair on attending and we always discuss the situation beforehand.

4-6 I think is too young to really understand death in a meaningful way. 8-10 while it’s hard for them they can grasp the concept by then.

 

[EasterJoy]

4-6 I think is too young to really understand death in a meaningful way. 8-10 while it’s hard for them they can grasp the concept by then.

Sometimes I think we gain in some aspects of our understanding of death, but lose ground in others. In some ways, a child of eight cannot understand Holy Communion as an adult does. In other ways, the child might be better disposed than someone who is excessively “grown up.” “Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.” Luke 18:17 It is possible to wait so long to introduce our children to life’s mysteries that the child is *too old *to grasp the situation as naturally and easily as he or she once could have.

Still, I think parents get a sense of how an individual child is likely to react or respond to the funeral rites of a particular person. I would vote in favor of deferring to that sense of things in the child’s parent, provided that the parents eventually do teach their children about the duty of attending to the rites of burial. Children need to realize that we attend funerals for the sake of the deceased and for the sake of those who are closest to them and most in need of comfort, even if for no other reason than that we will one day need someone to attend to those rites for us and our remains. That does not have to happen before a child is old enough to take on the other obligations of the Christian life. It does mean that a child absolutely needs to realize that a funeral is about a lot more than helping each person attending to come to terms with the death. It is about reaching out to the others there, and about coming before God with prayers on behalf of the deceased, to express our belief in everlasting life at the time when that belief is most put to the test.

 

[Kal2012]

Death is confusing for a lot of people - even adults.

For me, whether or not they understand it is quite irrelevant.

I was seven when my mom died and I still don’t “get it.”

My son has only attended one wake, but I doubt he remembers given he was toddler. Still, I took him because it’s important for them to participate in the rituals of life and death.

That said, I didn’t take him to my aunt’s wake because I really didn’t want to be stuck on a roller-skating rink helping my kid (5) the whole time and not be able to visit w/any of the adults. (She loved working at the roller rink and her family decided to have the wake there. Clever, but the whole thing was disturbing. To add to the weirdness, we aren’t even Irish and they decided to play up her “Irish roots”. Auntie loved telling crazy stories to anyone who would listen and sadly, sometimes people believed her.)

I understand the motivation behind all of it, but the whole thing was more disturbing to me than the fact that she had died. I couldn’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day because I had already had my fill of all things Irish for the year at the wake…in November.

So, under normal circumstances, I’d say, yes…take the kid to the funeral or the wake. Death is a normal part of life and kids shouldn’t be sheltered from all parts of the life cycle.

If you are told that things are going to unusual, like a wake at a roller rink, use your best judgment.

(Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. My family really is this nuts!!)

Good luck. I respect wanting to protect your kids, but death gives important life lessons too.

 

[GEddie]

Of course it is up to the parents and I never meant to say otherwise.

I stand by what I said however.

Methinks I will leave the thread at this point, as it seems I and everybody else are just talking past each other.

I have no children or prospects for them. But if I did, they would not go to funerals, except for immediate family, until they were teenagers.

A child literally has a lifetime to learn about the hideous cruelty that is death. Their childhood is brief and precious and should be protected. IMNAAHO!!!

So long, hasta la vista, Cinco de Mayo, and ICXC NIKA.

 

[Joe_5859]

The first funeral my children attended was my father’s (their grandfather) at ages 4 and 6. Had it been anyone else I probably would not have taken them. My father’s death was expected, but happened in less time than we thought. So I did have some time to prepare them and we had lots of talks.

Since that time, they have been to a handful of visitations, but not a funeral Mass. My father was not Catholic, therefore there was only brief service following the visitation at the funeral home. Would I bring them to a funeral Mass? My 10 year old probably, not so sure about my 8 year old. I do think it’s very important for children, who have a good grasp on what’s happening and are not troubled by it, to be exposed to this experience. I would never force my children to go, just for the experience sake, if they did not want to or had worries about it.

Because my husband and I were the only set of parents out of 5 others who were ok with bringing our kids, I just wondered if it was unusual to bring children to visitations. Now I have no clue how their children handle death, so it might be their reactions and not simply the parents thinking it’s not appropriate.

It sounds like you know your children and know that they are okay with it, so it doesn’t seem odd to me.

My kids are 7 and 5 and I don’t think I would take them to a random funeral just for the experience of it. But if it were someone they knew, I would. Unless, of course, my daughter was begging and pleading with me not to make her go. I don’t think that would be the case for her, though.

My first funeral was my grandfather’s when I was 8. I don’t recall being traumatized by being there (no more so than by his death in general anyway). I saw my mother crying uncontrollably while at home, too. I think I’d probably have resented not being there. I loved my grandpa a lot.

 

[sarah_g]

Well, what you see as “forcing” I see as “permitting them to learn a life lesson”.
I just hope that parents do not do as much damage by not entering into a real discussion (age-appropriate) at these times. It’s really not so much about attending potentially disturbing gatherings, as it is about acting like nothing happened and poof! Your beloved friend/relative magically disappeared to heaven. You relative is now and angel watching over you. I’ve had many friends freak out because they think their grandpa is watching their every move like some kind of celestial snitch. Anytime we hide the truth, we do out children a disservice. Many times people think the loving thing to do is to hide all pain, all sadness, all problems from their kids lives. It’s actually quite harmful. A parent’s role is to teach…parent know their children. They know what they can handle and what they realistically cannot. But we shouldn’t hide anything from our kids. I see it every day in our youth groups with kids who have no idea that others in the world have no running water.
Off topic example, but you get what I mean.
peace.

I agree with this.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate all of them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Death is confusing for a lot of people - even adults.

For me, whether or not they understand it is quite irrelevant.

I was seven when my mom died and I still don’t “get it.”

My son has only attended one wake, but I doubt he remembers given he was toddler. Still, I took him because it’s important for them to participate in the rituals of life and death.

That said, I didn’t take him to my aunt’s wake because I really didn’t want to be stuck on a roller-skating rink helping my kid (5) the whole time and not be able to visit w/any of the adults. (She loved working at the roller rink and her family decided to have the wake there. Clever, but the whole thing was disturbing. To add to the weirdness, we aren’t even Irish and they decided to play up her “Irish roots”. Auntie loved telling crazy stories to anyone who would listen and sadly, sometimes people believed her.)

I understand the motivation behind all of it, but the whole thing was more disturbing to me than the fact that she had died. I couldn’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day because I had already had my fill of all things Irish for the year at the wake…in November.

So, under normal circumstances, I’d say, yes…take the kid to the funeral or the wake. Death is a normal part of life and kids shouldn’t be sheltered from all parts of the life cycle.

If you are told that things are going to unusual, like a wake at a roller rink, use your best judgment.

(Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. My family really is this nuts!!)

Good luck. I respect wanting to protect your kids, but death gives important life lessons too.

Seasoning your “yes they should” or your “no they shouldn’t” (whichever seems best to you as a parent,) with a willingness to look at each instance on a case-by-case basis is excellent advice.

 

[Falco]

when my grandsons - aged 4 and 7, flew to the country to farewell their great grandmother, her body was lying on a gurney, with her favourite afghan over her legs. I was holding her hand when they came into the room, and they came to hold her hand as well. No body in a box. They were fine about it all, and fine at the funeral, though full of the oddest questions.

Why do we bury people? Why do bodies decay? Why do we die? We encourage them to find their own answers by discussing it. One answer they still remember was that if we didn’t die, the world would be totally full of very old people in wheelchairs, being crabby and telling them to shut up.

We had talked about her upcoming death, and how she would be taking her body off, as it didn’t work any more, but that she was moving on to heaven, and was really looking forward to seeing her family again. She was the last of 16 to die - from the birth of the first to her death spanned 103 years. That is some generation!

 

[Sunbreak]

I think children should go to the funeral homes with their families. I remember going to funeral visitations when I was quite young. It’s all a part of life.