M
misfitz
Guest
If you were a single person, engaged to someone widowed with young children, how would you respond to a comment from your mother that those children are “baggage”?
- Status
J
Jennifer123
Guest
Wow - I probably wouldn’t.
If you are of an adult age, living and making decisions on your own, it really isn’t your mother’s business. You would have to decide for yourself how important your mother’s opinion is to you - it isn’t wise to disregard an opinion just because it is something you don’t want to hear, or it comes from someone from a different generation.
But personally I would question the credentials of someone who refers to children in such a selfish and callous way. I’m sorry to say that about your mother. But only you can decide how much stock to place in her opinion.
A
Andruschak
Guest
Don’t know. I am a confirmed bachelor, best defined as a man who has never made the same mistake once.
It would depend on the tone of voice used. If the (your?) mother meant this as a derogatory comment that suggests SHE doesn’t want anything to do with these children that would be a problem.
If she was just using the word while cautioning that children from a previous marriage do add complications to a marriage then I’d say that she was giving valid advice but lacks tact.
S
Salonika
Guest
Probably in three ways - one after the other.
First I would be upset at her referring to the children as “baggage” as it seems to deny their individuality almost their humanity,
Then I would ask her why she refers to them as “baggage” and what problems she sees they bring.
Finally, I would consider any valid problems/difficulties she brings up as it might help to think about how to overcome them.
M
misfitz
Guest
I think her main concern is that she doesn’t want someone else’s children to inherit or benefit from her property.
A
AHapka
Guest
While not in the same situation, there was once a debate between me and my dad about inheritance, and who would get what.
To which I replied, “keep your money, I’ll make my own.” Takes all of the power and control out of that argument right away.
If you marry this woman or man, they become more important then your mother (and her money/property). Marriage is a complete giving of oneself to the other where you become one flesh. If you have to leave behind an inheritance, so be it. Love is worth more than property.
It might seem hard to say at first, but it makes life so much easier in the long run. Trust me on this.
M
misfitz
Guest
I agree. I flat out told her tonight that I refuse to let her property come between me and any marriage, whether it be to my fiance or to anyone else. She has tried to control me and this issue in many ways.
At first, I did not want to marry someone with children. But as I began thinking about it, I realized that by having these children, it would basically force me to not be so selfish.
It would be nice if she could see that by taking on these children as my own, it might help me to grow and learn to give to others rather than take.
M
misfitz
Guest
On another note, I have to wonder if she didn’t view me and my brother as baggage when she had us. Thinking back, I’ve seen a lot of pictures of her and me or of her and my brother and she didn’t look too happy in them.
B
BamaRider
Guest
Dang thats cold.
“You’re not exactly ‘carry-on’ yourself, Ma.”
G
Guitar
Guest
I would respond that I felt greatly honoured and humbled that a man thought enough of me that he wanted to entrust me with and and involve me in the care and raising of his beloved children and make me a part of their family.
K
KingAlfred
Guest
That’s mean-spirited, so I wouldn’t like it. Deep down, however, your mother sounds worried about your welfare. Raising other people’s kids is very, very hard. I don’t know the stats, but it has to be a major contributor to second-marriage divorces.
P
puzzleannie
Guest
I would probably have distanced myself from such a relative earlier in life because of similar insensitive attitudes, or if not, would rapidly do so now.
P
puzzleannie
Guest
well, I would have thought it but maybe not have said it but if I did say it (ooh don’t tempt me) I would have also asked, what was I, just exta baggage for you?“You’re not exactly ‘carry-on’ yourself, Ma.”
C
Cinette
Guest
*If you deeply love a man enough to marry him you will love his children also.
Children - all children - are a gift from God.
If your Mother calls them “baggabe” then she desperately needs counselling - NOW!
*
C
Cinette
Guest
*Exactly!
Those children must have suffered when they lost their Mother. They probably still suffer and need the warmth of a Mother who will accompany them on their journey to adulthood.
A man is more lost when he loses his wife and companion. A woman copes a little better because her role is different - she is the nuturer and care giver.
Misfitz - pray about it and follow your mind (reasoning) and your heart.
*
M
misfitz
Guest
Oh, that’s a good one!!“You’re not exactly ‘carry-on’ yourself, Ma.”
T
Tinajo
Guest
One possible response that came to my mind was ‘If I marry this person, they will be my children, and hence your grandchildren.’
S
sanctamaria17
Guest
I would say that children are blessings not baggage, first of all. Second, at a time when children need two parents, you’re going to tell their parent they’re on their own at least until the kids grow up? Third, God doesn’t call us “baggage” (and we so deserve it!).
I have several friends who’ve lost their parents to sudden tragedies. Some of them still have younger siblings in the home. Should their parents just not move on because one person or their family deems these innocent parties as “baggage” or “burdens”?
I have several friends who’ve lost their parents to sudden tragedies. Some of them still have younger siblings in the home. Should their parents just not move on because one person or their family deems these innocent parties as “baggage” or “burdens”?
- Status