I don’t have kids who are “serving age”, so I’m not 100% sure on this, but I believe our parish has gone to using on-line scheduling so kids can sign up for the days/weeks of their choice. I know the Acolytes have gone to an online reservation system.
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CRV
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Exactly. Not infrequently did I have to do this for the Saturday Vigil Mass because the server rostered on didn’t show. Bu It was no big deal. The water and wine cruets and lavabo towel and bowl were placed on the end of the Altar usually 5 mins before Mass and I lit the Altar Candles. Everything else needed I set up as I normally did.
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PetraG
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I think unfortunately it is less of a big deal when “no shows” happen more often.
Many parishes have gone that route. I was thinking more of calling the adults involved so that the initial schedule has the OP’s children on it less often or to work out a deal that the girls will check in at the sacristy if they’re needed and ready to serve but please don’t come and ask them if they don’t check in. If the OP isn’t up to it (which is entirely understandable), her husband could do it, but I wouldn’t expect a 12 or 15 year old to give that kind of heads-up on their own. It is a lot easier to set a boundary for someone else or to defend someone else’s boundary, particularly if it is your child, than to draw the line on your own behalf. When they are adults, they ought to do it themselves, but until then the parents ought to be willing to do it if the girls don’t want to speak up on their own behalf.
To answer the OP’s question: Yes, it is totally acceptable to set these boundaries on your own behalf or on behalf of your child, and an excuse is not needed. The program might say, “You have to be this available or not serve at all,” but that’s pretty rare in a parish that doesn’t have a waiting list for altar serving.
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CRV
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I can see how that could be, because if it happens frequently, then in one sense it becomes the “norm” - you get used to it. When it happens infrequently, it can throw things into a bit of a panic (sorry but can’t think of a better word), when the sacristan who (as in my case) may have been seated in the pews praying before Mass, to glance at the clock and suddenly realise no server has turned up - to have to quickly check with Father, then make any necessary adjustments.
This happened even though we had a roster system in place, which could be changed for whatever reason and even if a substitute could not be found - there wasn’t any notification to Father (on more than one occasion) that they couldn’t attend. And for this vigil Mass apart from two from the same family who always came to the vigil Mass, the others were older and either had cars themselves or friends who did and they all had mobile phones - to call Father - but most often I think the “no shows” occurred because being young men they would forget!
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PetraG
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We also found that some servers who just couldn’t serve enough when they were in middle school felt a bit guilty when their lives got stressful and they didn’t want to serve as often as they once did. It helped them to be understanding about that and to let them know they were not at all outside the norm and that they were still doing a great service to keep their experience in the program even if they weren’t serving as often.
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dochawk
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The first time our priest served the Divine Liturgy (which is a bit more complicated than the Western Mass to start with) with a deacon to assist, he came back amazed. He noted that the deacon did most of the work, “and I could just sit there like a potted plant.”
The deacon actually makes things a bit more complicated for the servers, as he exists the North doors, does something, and reenters the South doors multiple times . . .
Other mothers were always amazed when my mother handed me the phone when they called about trading Masses for their sons . . . we were always taught (by my parents) that it was our responsibility, not theirs.
I volunteered one Sunday while still fairly new at my byzantine parish, when I noted only one man up there shortly before liturgy started.
After that, Father would come out to pull me out of the pews if I didn’t enter the sacristy myself . . .
I’m up there nearly eery week these days . . .
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PetraG
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Our parish is suburban–extremely few parishioners live within walking distance and very few of the children in the parish school walked to school–so it had the policy that all trades and substitutions not made by an altar server with his or her drivers license and a car to drive had to be made parent-to-parent. If the person driving you doesn’t give the OK, after all, how are you going to keep your commitment?
We did have the policy at our house that our sons, who did the actual serving, always had the decision whether or not they were available. I didn’t hand them the phone, but they were always asked if they wanted to do it before I gave the OK.
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pnewton
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I would think in such a situation that the one to be cut would be the no shows, as they are the actual problem. Have you ever had to dismiss those who routinely fail to show or provide a substitute?
I hope your parish appreciates your service.
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PetraG
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Yes, there is a policy. Altar servers who go a year without ever no-showing are given recognition for it, but one no-show a year is considered a human mistake and no particular problem. It happens. Depending on the reason for the no-shows, though, eventually the server family is given notice after the third time within 12 months. Some have been given an early retirement, yes. This was a parish that not uncommonly had a waiting list for altar serving: that is, they were usually about right but sometimes were four or five short or had four or five who wanted to serve and they didn’t have room yet. The policy was the same, regardless, but I’d say that in reality the probabation was probably more strict when there was a waiting list, because there was a certain amount of judgment involved in whether to encourage the family to keep trying or to encourage them to admit that maybe altar serving wasn’t for them. (It’s always better if volunteers bow out of their own accord rather than to dismiss them when things aren’t working out. Even after they’re out of altar serving, after all, they’re still fellow parishioners.)
If you know the servers, sometimes you can tell even without no-shows that it is time to move on, because they’re getting so many substitutes or need to consistently ask for so many accomodations in the schedule because they have other demands on their time. (That isn’t to say they quit going to Mass, but that knowing a long time in advance that they can commit to a particular Mass time at a particular church starts to become too challenging.) That’s a bit of a delicate matter, but sometimes it helps to ask if it is getting too difficult to juggle things and letting them know that this does happen to devout families, too.
To return to the OP’s question, it goes both ways! Sometimes, it is the altar serving family that has to speak up and say, “We like serving, it is a privelege and a blessing, but we think it best to set a limit that is somewhat lower than the above-and-beyond level that we’ve been getting.” It is easy for the schedulers to go, “oh, so-and-so will be happy to serve both Holy Thursday and Easter Vigil, we know the family will be there both nights and they’re so good, let’s ask them…” Even if that was true in seventh grade, that doesn’t mean it is true for the 9th grader. Scheduling volunteers is a give-and-take and it takes on-going communication, especially when youth are involved. If the scheduler and the volunteer both appreciate each other, it usually works out just fine.
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TheLittleLady
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I know of a parish where the default is every boy who is past First Communion is an altar server. If you are at Mass, you “dress out” and there is a front pew reserved for those who are not “on the altar”. The most senior servers train the younger servers.
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pnewton
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This has been an enlightening thread!
My son will be gone in two weeks, when he is scheduled, and I already told him to find his own replacement. I deem he is now old enough to do this himself.
My son will be gone in two weeks, when he is scheduled, and I already told him to find his own replacement. I deem he is now old enough to do this himself.
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PetraG
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Well…when we’re not, that doesn’t mean volunteers aren’t allowed to stick up for their own sense of things.
I think it is a mistake that can venture into pride to try to give more than we have it in our hearts to give. Sometimes, we have to admit our limits.
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dochawk
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WE didn’t have anyone old enough to drive when I started . . . one of the older boys would end up not leaving in high school and eventually be placed in charge.
If I got called, I asked my parents, and they almost always agreed.
I did go by bicycle for weddings and summertime funerals. When I went to the Catholic school in junior high, I was already a go-to and regularly got pulled for them (and the princely $3 we usually received!).
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PetraG
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Altar servers who aren’t driving yet have a social calendar kept by their parents. We just had too many problems with altar servers thinking they had a substitute who didn’t have a substitute because the server they talked to hadn’t told his or her parents. There is just far less “yes I talked to you, no you didn’t” when it is adult-to-adult communication. Therefore, even though it is of course OK for altar servers to take themselves to the church on a bike or on foot if their parents say it is OK, we deemed a driver’s license a reasonable proof that an exception to the “parent-to-parent” only rule for substitutions was warranted. (The truth is, if a parent of an altar server old enough for a license but without one had allowed their child to arrange their own substitutions, that would have been allowed. The driver’s license just showed the age chosen wasn’t an arbitrary choice.)
Also, if the altar server never arranges for a substitute who doesn’t show up, we would never know. There were probably families who did server-to-server communication, but it was on them to be sure it always worked. That’s OK, too. No harm, no foul.
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dochawk
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That sure seems to be common, but it sure wasn’t the case for us. It was our responsibility to cover opera responsibility. Our parents backed us and got us there, but the arrangements were very much our responsibility.
Then again, I was also the kid running around the neighborhood with a lawn mower the summer after sixth grade . . .
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maryjk
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Ouch.
Of course we would have to reserve a few pews. To say nothing of the fact that we have girls that also serve.
So, basically, at this parish, children over the age of 7 don’t ever sit with their parents?
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TheLittleLady
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This pastor has decided that only boys will serve (the Church does leave that up to the pastor).
The servers all sit together. This parish is bursting with vocations to the priesthood, so, something is working!
The servers all sit together. This parish is bursting with vocations to the priesthood, so, something is working!
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PetraG
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Every server puts on choir dress for every Mass he attends? That is a lot of cassocks and surplices!!
I do think having only boys invited to the privilege of altar serving works better than having different roles for male and female altar servers, which I have also seen.
I have also heard the argument (made by a woman who was formerly an altar server) that having female altar servers can be a source of interior confusion for the girls who serve, since some will feel what it is to be attracted to becoming a priest and yet of course will find that avenue has been recognized as not even possible. When a boy who has no vocation to the priesthood feels that same attraction and yet recognizes he does not have a vocation to the priesthood, it is not so upsetting.
On the other hand, some girls who find they are not allowed to altar serve say they feel they are being sent the message that they are not “good enough,” since of course most of the boys who serve at the altar also have no vocation to the priesthood. I have heard that some priests have made the position of sacristan only available to the girls, for that reason. (Just as the altar boys assist the priest, the sacristans have an adult around to help make sure they can handle all the details of setting out the linens, the sacred vessels, the vestments, and so on.)
But I digress. The point is that whatever service is open, a server ought to be able to put limits on what is asked above and beyond what is the norm for all of the servers. It is one thing if a server wants to serve without doing as much as everyone else is–a program may quite rightly limit that–and quite another when an altar server finds that routinely being asked to do significantly more than the others do has gotten to the point where it is too much. In that case, the altar server is not out of line to draw some boundaries.
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pnewton
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A surplice surplus?
I get finding boys that like not sitting with their families. But for the older ones, boys that don’t like to sit with girls? I call your digression and raise my inanity.
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PetraG
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I taught high school. Left to their own devices, the students tend to self-segrate. They want to sit next to someone who puts them at ease. During adolescence, members of the opposite sex often do not fit that description!! (Don’t get me started on the problems that come along when they are all too much at ease, lol!!)
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