children at Mass

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I am sure that this has been discussed many times here, but I would like to know how many with small children have been made to feel unwelcome at Mass with their little children, by older parishioners and even the pastor. Mine are mostly grown, but we have recently been finally getting some younger people in our retired community. I saw complaints coming because I know my parish family and I cautioned our new priest at pastoral council that we needed to solve a problem before it happened–that is we needed to be proactive about welcoming all the little ones. Lots of Hispanic families, several Anglo families and four pregnant ladies. Please understand this is a retirement community. God has truly blessed us with this new growth. Unfortunately my warning was not heeded.

And now something truly awful. Our pastor heeded the complaints of some older people and has written in the bulletin, please all families in the back. Be sure to leave if your kids are acting up. And don’t come to Mass if you can’t make them behave. He said some other nicer things, but these negative things are there. Who tells people not to come to Mass? I am deeply offended. How to deal with this?
 
WOW…that’s terrible. As a mother, if I read that I probably would not come back to that parish, honestly. The beauty of the catholic church is that all are welcome no matter what age. For centuries all children in the catholic faith have gone to mass their entire lives!!! How else are the to learn if they are not present?? My parish has many small children during mass, including my own. We have a program called little hands Big hearts which was put in place by our “moms group” at the church. Basically, each sunday all the kids are encouraged to bring up canned goods during the offering to help with local food donations. It teaches the children stewardship at even the youngest age. Your parish needs to change their views because that is how the CC looses families!!! Embrace them, the young can teach the old and the old can teach the young. Pray with it…you will find a way to help change the minds of other and with that you eventually change their hearts. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire parish.
 
This is terrible. As a 70+ grandma, I cannot understand the selfishness of my peers in not welcoming the children to Mass. When our kid (large parish, many kid) are astir, we just assume they are praising God in their own way! Anybody ever think of offering to hold or walk with a crying little one so the parents can be attentive to Mass? Parents of young children NEED the Mass in ways older folks don’t. Makes me so sad to read this. Be assured it is not just your parish, this attitude exists in many. I hope your priest preaches more on welcoming, community, and acceptance. Someone should really develop a teaching module on religious development in the young with an emphasis on effects of the community.
 
How to deal with it? The next time you see one of these young families in your parish, walk right up to them, welcome them to your parish and make them feel as welcome as possible.
 
:eek: That is horrible!!!

I don’t like to do more to stir up drama in a church, but if I were you I’d be tempted to report this to his bishop. His actions are unbelievably inappropriate and uncharitable! Catholics who are faithful to Church teaching (i.e. not using birth control) already feel like they have the whole world against them, and now they are being rejected at their own parish?!!?
 
I understand in a way. There is a big difference in the parent who tries to control their child and fails, and the one who sits back and watches the mass while their child runs around the room and never says a word to them at all.

Even knowing that, I think the posting to the bulletin with the wording that you indicate was used was very tactless and uncalled for. We take our kids to mass, all four of them. There have been times that I am sure people hated us being there. There have been times I would have hated us for being there… but you know what? My kids are learning. Very seldom do any of them not follow what they are supposed to be doing. And they make it to mass every Sunday! Forming a good solid foundation for them spiritually is important. Making them think that as long as they don’t listen, you just won’t take them won’t help them learn at all.

I even take my 5 year old to daily mass, so that she can learn to be quiet for an hour every day. After mass is over we let her do what she wants, play a fake drum, run around the house making lots of noise… but at mass she is expected to sit quietly, watching, listening and standing or kneeling when everyone else does. Some days she doesn’t manage it or her attention just isn’t there, but those days are getting fewer and farther between.
 
We have four young children - ages 3 to 7. People have nearly always been very grateful to us for bringing them. We sit in the front row - so that they kids can see what the mass is. They don’t always behave - but they have learned to be quiet.

I have been so grateful over the years for the many people who have come up to us and thanked us for coming and bringing them to church. And it seems on the days that have been most challenging for us, we got the most positive compliments for their behavior.

I used to volunteer for a program that worked with children with special needs. We worked with kids with Downs or Autism or undiagnosed needs. The idea of the program was to give these kids the spiritual direction that they needed. But part of that was to introduce them to the congregation as people to be celebrated. We would have special masses a few times a year where we made these people integral to service. The congregation was told of these friends. We were trained to respond to any negativity that “God’s house is open to all”. We never did have any negative comments - in fact, our congregation seemed to love and cherish our “SPRED masses”.

I bring that up, because as a parent, I remembered the beauty of having children in the service. How is one to learn the faith, if not to be part of it? Most parents will remove a truly disruptive child. Most older people seem to enjoy the connection to younger people.

Still, there will always be those who are perturbed by their presence. They will see the disruption. They will see the lack of reverence. It’s a shame that your priest is catering to those people. I don’t know how to change that except by talking directly to that priest.

But, like i said before, you can make a difference - by giving your compliments to those who bring children to the service. Thank them for keeping the community vibrant. For me and my family, that has made all the difference.

And thank you for being and advocate!
 
Yes, that is very unfortunate. That’s the type of stuff that encourages people to leave the Church and never come back. 😦

If my priest did that, I would probably take my family up to the front pew anyway. :o When I’m at Mass, I’m not really paying attention to whether or not other people are giving my family dirty looks.

I would try talking to the pastor again and (calmly, charitably) try to explain the dangers you see in his message to the new families. Concern about alienating people is a valid concern.
The vast majority of priests really do not want to offend people or drive them away from the Church. But we all make pastoral flubs at one time or another.

If it were me, I would write all my thoughts down, proofread and edit it time and time again, bounce it off a few other people, edit it some more, and then (after it has been fully vetted to be devoid of malice), take it to the pastor.

As an aside, it always baffles me when priests aren’t more welcoming of young families. Having a parish full of retirees may be less stressful and more drama-free in the short-term, but it almost guarantees that your parish is going to be closed within the next 10 years or so. No parish can survive if it’s not replacing it’s base of parishioners with new members!
 
This is ridiculous. Children behave BETTER when they’re closer to the front because they can SEE what’s going on. Being stuck in the back will often inspire bad behavior because all they can see are people’s backs and they get bored (understandably).

Regardless… this is… just horrible.

Don’t come to Mass if you can’t make them behave???
LEAVE if they’re misbehaving?

What is he smoking?

I don’t know… this is the sort of thing that needs to be addressed ASAP. First speak to him and if he doesn’t listen consider presenting it to your Bishop.

Also, you might consider presenting the Bible verse where Jesus says to bring the little children unto him. He says NOTHING about bringing WELL BEHAVED children. He just says bring the children.
 
We have a family Mass every Sunday – our former pastor informed the congregation that if they didn’t like the family Mass or it was too “noisy” for them, please attend another Mass.
I am surprised that some families bring very YOUNG babies to Mass, but then it’s tough to leave them home and Mom and Dad can’t go to Mass together. I remember years ago the first time we took our 2 boys to Mass – I can’t remember just how old they were but they weren’t babies – those were in the days when they had altar rails, etc. – when my husband and I came back from Communion everyone around the boys were laughing – the boys never did tell us what they had done to provoke the laughter.
Truthfully today I love to go to the Family Mass and see all the little children, babies, etc with their Moms and Dads.
 
Barb3 said:
We have a family Mass every Sunday – our former pastor informed the congregation that if they didn’t like the family Mass or it was too “noisy” for them, please attend another Mass.
I am surprised that some families bring very YOUNG babies to Mass, but then it’s tough to leave them home and Mom and Dad can’t go to Mass together. I remember years ago the first time we took our 2 boys to Mass – I can’t remember just how old they were but they weren’t babies – those were in the days when they had altar rails, etc. – when my husband and I came back from Communion everyone around the boys were laughing – the boys never did tell us what they had done to provoke the laughter.
Truthfully today I love to go to the Family Mass and see all the little children, babies, etc with their Moms and Dads.
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In some places there is only ONE Mass per Sunday or per week. In rural areas. So people HAVE to bring their babies.

I assume you’re talking about larger centers where there are more options.
 
Echoing what Nickybr38 said I would be tempted to put ‘Matthew 19:14’ on a post it note and add that to the bottom. Btw, when my daughter was 4 1/2 she had a few spiritual experiences at Mass. Jesus obviously wanted her to be there.
 
LucyLight said:
Echoing what Nickybr38 said I would be tempted to put ‘Matthew 19:14’ on a post it note and add that to the bottom. Btw, when my daughter was 4 1/2 she had a few spiritual experiences at Mass. Jesus obviously wanted her to be there.
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👍

I will be taking my children to Mass from birth until they are too old for me to boss around.

I have no doubt that being in Christ’s presence will help them in their growth. And quite frankly, I’ve sat in many a mass with crying babies and it really ISN’T that big of a deal.
 
Oh man That priest is totally wrong our former priest was like that in fact he even went as far to go up to a young mother who had a baby in the carrier during his homily that was crying to tell her to leave. The sad thing was the baby was very sick I found out later that her baby was terminally ill and later died We now have a different priest who is also an auxillary Bishop and he is totally the opposite he told the members hey you have kids bring them on Lets hope maybe we can get some vocations from them because one day he said he would like to retire
 
shainski said:
I used to volunteer for a program that worked with children with special needs. We worked with kids with Downs or Autism or undiagnosed needs. The idea of the program was to give these kids the spiritual direction that they needed. But part of that was to introduce them to the congregation as people to be celebrated. We would have special masses a few times a year where we made these people integral to service. The congregation was told of these friends. We were trained to respond to any negativity that “God’s house is open to all”. We never did have any negative comments - in fact, our congregation seemed to love and cherish our “SPRED masses”.
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I would love to learn more about this program. I have an 8 year old son with autism. He enjoys going to Mass and over the past year his participation has really improved. He will be making his First Communion this coming weekend. He has worked hard to be prepared for this sacrament and is very excited about it. But sometimes he gets over-excited at Mass and cannot contain his enthusiasm. He might blurt out things like, “It’s time for the First Reading!” or “Christ lives in me and I have grace!” Sometimes he quietly repeats a part of a hymn or sung response over and over a few times. (He is especially fond of the Hosanna.) If a particular song moves him, he might flap his hands along with the music.

None of my son’s behavior is disrespect. It is simply part of how he experiences and expresses his faith. Sometimes we get nasty looks or comments from other parishioners. We work hard with him to keep this behavior from being a disruption, but some people seem to want absolute silence and stillness from him. However, there are rare occasions when other parishioners make positive comments or tell me how happy they are to see my son at Mass. I cherish those kind words.

I have seen many families with special needs kids leave the Catholic Church and go to protestant faith communities where their children are openly accepted and welcomed. It saddens me so much. I would love to learn more about having Masses where special needs individuals are invited to be fully part of the service.
 
Can you start a campaign for better acoustics in the church? Better speaker system? Wireless headsets for those who are hard of hearing?

I DO understand this is a concern for the elderly, especially in echoing churches. But the solution is NOT to send the children away… clearly that strikes a nerve.

Fix the first problem, don’t make more.
 
Gena said:
I would love to learn more about this program. I have an 8 year old son with autism. He enjoys going to Mass and over the past year his participation has really improved. He will be making his First Communion this coming weekend. He has worked hard to be prepared for this sacrament and is very excited about it. But sometimes he gets over-excited at Mass and cannot contain his enthusiasm. He might blurt out things like, “It’s time for the First Reading!” or “Christ lives in me and I have grace!” Sometimes he quietly repeats a part of a hymn or sung response over and over a few times. (He is especially fond of the Hosanna.) If a particular song moves him, he might flap his hands along with the music.

None of my son’s behavior is disrespect. It is simply part of how he experiences and expresses his faith. Sometimes we get nasty looks or comments from other parishioners. We work hard with him to keep this behavior from being a disruption, but some people seem to want absolute silence and stillness from him. However, there are rare occasions when other parishioners make positive comments or tell me how happy they are to see my son at Mass. I cherish those kind words.

I have seen many families with special needs kids leave the Catholic Church and go to protestant faith communities where their children are openly accepted and welcomed. It saddens me so much. I would love to learn more about having Masses where special needs individuals are invited to be fully part of the service.
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I don’t want hijack the thread. But the program is a beautiful program started by a priest in Chicago along with two priests from France (I believe) in the 1960s. Chicago has hundreds of parishes that have SPRED (Special Religious Education) centers. The program is based on Montessori principles (as many of our friends have very tactile experiences with their environments). The Chicago priest was always saddened that (in those days) people with special needs were hidden from society and church. Especially, church, he figured was to be a place where we could welcome all. Most families were ashamed to bring their family members with needs.

I’m not qualified to speak for them. They do have a website spred.org that can lead you to people that will know much more than i. A mother of a young boy with special needs in our community (Milwaukee) was interested in where she could go for her own boy. She found very little in the community that was satisfying her needs - somehow, she came across this Chicago program (Spred has sites all over the world). But it requires a great number of volunteers - as the parish needs to establish a room, one volunteer for each special needs person and a few coordinators. Basically, you will have eight volunteers for six friends. The maximum group size is six friends. If you have more than that, then they need to establish another group. Groups cater to friends of different age groups (something like 6-10, 11-15, 16-20 and adult. (I’m talking off the top of my head on the actual age groups - our group was for the younger kids).

We would meet with the adults only 10 or 12 times a year to prepare for a session with the kids. Then we would have our session with the kids. our sessions were a very reverent. We would work quietly for 20 minutes or so - each adult and each child had a “job” to do. After that time, our leader would lead us all into a sacred part of our room (Fresh flowers, lit candles…) where we would greet each other - read a passage from the bible. Then we would go about the room and answer questions in our own life that would be relevant.

After our sacred portion, we would go back to the other area and set a table. Each friend had a role to do to help set the table. We used real glass and china. Everything was to be beautiful and we were not to treat our friends like anything less than anyone else. We used glass even though it might get broken. And we ate a small meal and talked about ourselves and whatever we wanted to say.

We ended with a song.

The whole session (probably a bit less than 2 hours) was to represent the mass.

At some point, when our group felt we were ready, we started to integrate our friends into the mass. We introduced the concept to the community as a whole. At first, our friends brought up the gifts, (We added gifts of flowers, and a cloth for the alter so that each friend had a gift to bring up. We sat throughout the congregation so that the congregation could be near all of our friends. The readings were read, but also we did a liturgical “music and interpretive movements” for them and the psalms. We would ask the priest to prepare a special homily which would be inclusive of our friends. Most priests were happy to do so - some were genuinely excited to be a part of it.

If you do a search on “Spred Mass”, you will find information on parishes offering them and some information on what to expect.

I apologize for hijacking this thread and for the length of this post. I considered a Private message to you - and then I thought it might be information that would be useful to others.
 
This is the letter I wrote months ago, when I was hoping we would never be unwelcoming, but I was afraid people would start complaining.
I guess now is a good time to hand it to our priest.
Dear Parish Family,

I want to thank God and praise Him, because we have so many little voices in our church today. For a while there, it was getting pretty quiet, and that silence is deafening to the Lord. I am addressing this today because I have heard too many stories in the past few years from young parents who have chosen not to come to Mass. They felt unwelcome with their little children—whether it was a look, or just a feeling, or someone actually asked them to leave.
We are Catholics. We go to Mass. And we have children. That is what we do. Children belong at Mass. I have four children. The first three are two years apart. Now half of them are college. But I remember…Believe me, I can tell you some war stories—times where it was a struggle and I was humiliated. But if children are not brought to Mass, it will not become a part of who they are. They will not learn to behave at Mass if they do not come. If they are not coming when they are three, they probably will not be coming when they are teenagers.
Now, there are times, when your little one has hit her head or little sister bit her—when it’s time to step outside—but I want to remind the rest of you, that when you are the parent in this situation you are not having fun. You don’t need to be told to quiet the child. You know that. It takes a moment. You think—is he going to quiet down—no he’s not—get up, gather up the other children, get your purse, crawl out over people. Not your funnest moment.
There are churches in town with nurseries. There are even churches with little electronic signs that flash your number if your child needs you in the nursery. We don’t have one of those. We have the Blessed Sacrament. We have Jesus, Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity. The Mass is the source of our spiritual life—we cannot deny that to anyone.
How many of us have thought, wouldn’t it be great if I could have walked with Jesus in person? Guess what? Unless you were lucky enough to live in the Bethany house, you would have been joining a crowd the size of Brookings. It would not have been peaceful and quiet. Is there a place in scripture where Jesus tells people to keep the kids quiet? No. In fact, when the disciples tried to keep children out of the picture—“And they were bringing children to Him so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, “Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” (Mark 10:13-14 NASB) Now I want to use the old Douay Rheims translation here because of an interesting word choice. “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not; for of such is the kingdom of God.”
Moms and Dads, do hear that word, suffer? People who complain about children at Mass, do you hear that word, suffer? It is not always easy, but it is important. If we are going to be the kingdom of heaven on earth, we must welcome our little ones. So I want to thank you, moms and dads, for bringing your children to Mass today. And I want to ask the rest of you—will you welcome our littlest brothers and sisters in Christ?
 
^Waterdog,

that letter is beautiful.

Please do hand it to your priest and send a copy of it to the parish council.
 
and for the record, this is the exact wording from the parish bulletin
Recently I heard some complaints about little children making noise during Mass. I also listen to some advice. The problem is our church is built without a crying room. So how can we rectify the problem? Some parents suggest to me that we should reserve the last three/four pews on the left side for families who have little children younger than 3 years old.
(my note–I don’t know who these parents are. When we discussed this idea at parish council it was vetoed because most people realize children do best if they are up front where they can see) So parents please apply this suggestion for acouple of weeks to see if it works. If your child cries please take him/her outside. I think people deserve to have a quiet place to pray and worship. If you cannot make your children behave in Church, you can stay home. I ask our parishioners to have patience with little children. Please give them those last three pews. We welcome all to this place, but little children should be taught how to fear God and respect others. I ask for your cooperation, Thank you very much.
 
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