Children with Difficulties at Mass, is distracting to others

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Timidandunsure

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When my son was younger, it was very difficult to get him to behave appropriatley at Mass. This was in part to Aspergers Syndrome and partly because he is ADHD. He would never sit still, he would be kneeling when he should be sitting, balancing books on his nose, waving to people, the list just goes on. It was very hard to keep him in line, and I would get the worst looks from people. Disapline is worthless when your dealing with such disorders, it just makes them anxious, and get worse.

Now it is a bit better, he is eleven, and has meds to help him concentrate and behave. But often I wondered what is better, bringing a child to a church that might show disrespect to God and to others without intended it, and throwing the Mass off for many people or not bringing him, and having him miss out on the Mass and its blessings.

I left him home many times, because it was easier on me not to be seen with such a disrespectful son that would bother people all the time. But I feel bad about it too, because often he would enjoy the prayers, because he knew them and would join in, exspecially the Our Father, it was his favorite. He loved shaking peoples hands and saying loudly, “Peace be with you” and of course joining in with the songs, and when he got a bit older he loved getting up for the Host because it involved movement and knew it was special.

If you know a child is handicapped and would fail to show the proper respect at the Mass, is it wrong to take him before he is ready to sit still. Is it disrespectful in the church’s eyes?

Even today at 11, I find him getting distracted or doing something goofy, but other times he prays real hard. I am trying to teach him Gods love, if there is one thing I can give him, I would like to give him a way to reach out for that. I just cringe when I see all the other polite and proper children sitting up straight, when My son is looking around the church in wonder, or asking questions while the Mass is going on or playing with his book. It takes allot of patience, and sometime I have to ignore the looks I get or think I get.

I gave him a miraculous medal the other day, he has been having issues, and we as a family found out last week he has been considering suicide. We took him to doctors, and yet more medication. Oddly you wouldn’t think such a nice big hearted kid could think of such a thing, but he knows he is not like the other children in many ways, he sticks out and it makes him sad, he is picked on allot at school.

I took him to church Sunday, him and his cousin, he did well, on the new meds he is a bit more stable. I also got two more Medals for me and my wife. If we even need the intervention of the Blessed Mother, now would be a good time, so we donned the Medals as a family.

I will take him to Mass again next week, hopefully it will go well agian, . The new meds help, or the Medals help, not sure which is doing what…

I would like to keep taking him, escpecially now, if the meds hold up, he can act resonably well. Is there some sin involved if he acts disrespectful during service?
 
Despite my High Church crustiness and liturgical strictness, I actually love to see children with difficulties assisting at Mass. One parish nearby has a child with Down’s Syndrome who is adorable. She does her level best to give the sign of peace to most of the people on her half of the church at daily Mass, and I love to see her even though I would be less enchanted if others did this. Most parish Masses have something of a “personality;” at mine, the 7:30 is a Low Mass, very quiet and somber, the 9:00 is the Family Mass, lots of kids, and the 10:30 is the High Mass with choir and incense. Try to find the “personality” of the Mass that fits your son. In my parish, you would get looks at the 7:30 and possibly the 10:30, but you would be fine at the 9:00.
 
Get Him and Thee to the Church EVERY week!

God wants all his children to visit, not just the “healthy” ones.

Anyone who would restrict him for things out of your control aren’t being very Christian IMHO.

Bless you and your family!
 
We have friends who have children with Tourettes and one of them would sometimes tic very loudly. Occasionally strangers to the parish would make unkind comments or give mean looks. They would usually be set straight real quick.

This mom would make a point of explaining to CCD teachers or sports teams that the tics were a little different but everything was OK. No one ever gave it a second thought.

I hope you don’t feel isolated or judged by your parish family. Maybe you could confide in someone and explain. It is definitely not a sin if he has a disability that would contribute to his behavior. Just keep working on it and take advantage of the good resources out there for people with autism.

Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. It seems you have many things to deal with right now with your son. I know you will have our prayers. I wouldn’t give the idea that you are being sinful a second thought.

God Bless, Paula
 
He needs to be there. He needs you to be there and take him. Take him, take him, take him. Don’t let people influence you any other way. They are not allowed to judge (tell them the will suffer in purgatory for that!).
 
Sorry you are having such a hard time. I pray this burden will ease as he gets older.

I can’t imagine it sinful to bring him to Church; take him with you, absolutely. You might consider sitting near the back though. This way, if he gets truly disruptive, you can take him out to cool off for awhiile. Under the circumstances, this would not be disresptful.

Your fellow parishoners should not look down on you. They, in turn, will see you are trying to be considerate of them when the going gets too tough.
 
I have ADHD as bad as anyone. I remember being taken to the bathroom many times as a child (not to use the toilet either). That worked for me. Now, I don’t use meds or anything and I’m fine.
 
by all means take your child to Mass, he is baptized he belongs there with everyone else in the community. when he is having a particularly bad day where it would be impossible, then you don’t have an obligation if you need to care for him at home. I suggest finding the shortest Mass of the weekend with the lowest attendance, simply because it minimizes the stresses that can trigger the behaviors, and makes it easier on you. the less there is “going on” the easier he can process it. by all means meet with your pastor to insure that your child receives the sacraments, when his condition permits, (use your best judgement) which does not have to entail CCD. If he copes in a regular school classroom with assistance, he can participate in CCD, but if home schooling works better, that can and should be arranged with the DRE.

you should also consider respite care or trading off the responsibility with another family member from time to time so you can attend Mass, adoration, bible class or other experiences just for you, without the distractions. You need to feed your own spiritual self in order to be able to help him meet his challenges.
 
Hi Timidandunsure,
I am almost in your position. What I feel is, kids are gift of God and we should take them to Mass.

In Christ,
Selvaraj
 
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Timidandunsure:
When my son was younger, it was very difficult to get him to behave appropriatley at Mass. This was in part to Aspergers Syndrome and partly because he is ADHD. He would never sit still, he would be kneeling when he should be sitting, balancing books on his nose, waving to people, the list just goes on. It was very hard to keep him in line, and I would get the worst looks from people. Disapline is worthless when your dealing with such disorders, it just makes them anxious, and get worse.
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I don’t have a problem with a child with special needs at Holy Mass. I have a problem with parents of truly undisciplined kids, beating each other, eating, kicking the seats and the parents yelling “Stop it” in a stage whisper. They tend to go to the front pews. We have a cry room, toddlers should be there.

You seem to have a different situation. You know your child’s limitations. You don’t seem to be the kind of person that will ignore if he gets really out of hand. Consideration is the key. He needs to be in Holy Mass, toward the back so no one is disturbed if one must walk out.

Understand that all children have issues from time to time. If a parent is as considerate of others as you seem to be, people will understand.
 
Timidandunsure,

Take your son, not only to weekly Mass, but if possible, to daily Mass!
And by all means, take your son to church when no Mass is going on at all.
I’ve done this with my children. I’ve walked all around the Church, instructing, examining, commenting, and praying at the various stained glass windows, tabernacle, stations of the cross, and statues…
As the children become more and more familiar with these surroundings, they also seem to develop a deeper love for the place.

I have kids who still act up and last night was one of those nights! It was our parish May Crowning. My two year old jabbered throughout, and I had to remain seated in the assigned seat, as we were part of the living rosary!
One of the six year old twins behaved much the way you’ve described your son’s behavior - disinterested, wandering attention, entertaining himself by making faces and crawling about. No amount of stern looks seemed to affect him for very long.
The eight year old daughter and eleven year old son also provided distractions, picking on each other.
I felt drained by the time the devotion was finished.
No one else seemed to have noticed…amazingly! (Should I feel relieved that the devotion was poorly attended?)

Still, always bring the children to Mass and to other devotions. Always instruct them on the proper way to behave.
One day, our perseverence will pay off.
These things do happen to parents. I understand that it may be prolonged with your son, but this, too, shall pass…

Please, also let him know that he is not so very different from others. Lots and lots of kids do have attention deficits of varying degrees. Perhaps the “normal” kids who do the picking are truly the ones to be pitied, as they will be held accountable for their ridiculing of your child one day.

Always let your son know that he is very, very dear to Our Lord. :love:
 
Our former priest (he’s in the missions in Africa now) once addressed the topic of noisy children at Mass. He asked parents to practice common sense and remove them if they were being too distracting. He then asked the parishioners who complained about the children to remember that far too many children’s voices are silenced by abortion in this country, and to praise God for hearing the voices of children spared such a ghastly fate.
 
I have a son with Asperger’s syndrome and ADHD and another son who has High Functioning Autism with a speech delay. I also have a younger daughter who is “neuro typical” (whatever that means:) ). We have not had many porblems at church with other people. Some people know our circumstance and I know all the priests do. My oldest is actually very in love with his faith and tells me all the time that he wants to be a priest when he grows up. We did have a problem once at my parents church. My son wasn’t really doing anything loud. He was rocking slightly. He was kind of staring into space and he had an odd look on his face. None of this is unsual to autism spectrum disorders as you know. It freaked out the woman next to us and she kept making rude comments on how we should take him to the cry room. Finally one of the nuns sitting in front of us turned around and asked the lady if she would like to switch places with her.

I know how hard it is to get up and get these kids to church. I know sometime it is hard to keep control when you get there. As you know these kids love routine and structure. If you can get going to church into your routine, it makes it much easier. Also, helping them understand each part of the Mass and naming them. The missal has been a great help as well. He loves the structure of the Mass. He loves that he knows what to expect. Definetly take your son to Mass.
 
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