Children

[Cagrl]

Hi I really need some help. I am going to give you a little background so you understand my situation. I am 32 years old and my husband is 37 years old. We have been together 6 years. We got married April 28,2007.

I have been in school to becoming a court reporter for many, many years (8 Years). I am finally at the end of my schooling. Court Reporting is a really hard career and it has taken a long time for me to complete. I graduated last June 2006 and went to the State Exam to get certified. It is a 3 part test. I passed 2 parts. I have been to the test 3 times and have not been able to pass the last pending part of the exam. On July 14th, I will be retaking it again in hopes of passing this last part so that I can get certified by the State and start working. If God permits, I will pass this time.

My husband and I have always agreed that we want 3 kids. For some reason for the past year, I have been desperately wanting to start a family. My husband and I don’t own a home. We rent. We’ve been wanting to buy a home, but they are so expensive right now that we can’t so we are waiting for the market to go down a little more so we can buy. He is the only one working. I attend school fulltime (even though I graduated) so that I can stay up to date and ready for the test. My husband and I have discussed starting a family and he says that right now is not the time because I am still trying to finish school and he doesn’t want the baby to take away from my attention to my studies. Plus, because I am not working and still going to school he says daycare would be a problem with it being so expensive. I told him a cousin of mine could watch the baby while I try to finish school, but he didn’t seem to convinced. He says when I finish school we then could afford to buy a house and have a family. But the thing is I feel I am getting older and really want a family now. He says I can’t do both because one will take from the other and he doesn’t want that. But I know that I can do it. He says that I should use the fact that I want a baby so bad to be my motivation to get me to pass this last test, which I have been doing but still have not passed it. I am getting very depressed at the thought that I have to wait until I finish school to have a family.

Why am I feeling this way. A part of me tells me my husband is right in saying that we should wait, but there is this strong feeling inside me pulling me towards a family. I sometimes feel my husband is scared of starting a family and buying a home. I think we would be able to make it on his income for a little while until I finished school. He says he’s just being responsible. But I think he’s afraid. Please help me. I have prayed that if I am incorrect and my feelings are not of our Lord that our Lord help me follow His will. I too pray that if my husband’s point of view is not of our Lord please change him. I really don’t know what to do. Part of me gets so upset with myself for wanting a family now since I am still in school, but I feel this ache in my heart for a baby. What is going on? I just feel that my husband is scared and he just gives excuses. I trust in our Lord that we would be okay but that doesn’t seem enough for my husband.

Any help is greatly appreciated. I need some insight and peace. Please pray for us.

God Bless you.

Cagrl

 

[gmarie21]

My SIL (a court reporter) and my brother wanted to wait until she started, but then she failed the third test and so they tried at a family (and became a pregnant) while still trying to prepare for and pass the test. After her son was born she still was able to practice and ended up passing on her third try. However, my mom was able to watch my nephew (still does) and once you pass and get in the business you’ll be making money in no time (my brother informed me on mothers day that his wife had already earned $25000 since January - which I truned into the green-eyed monster for a couple of weeks with that knowledge since I watch his son and make less than that in a year). So, you are not off in your thinking. My SIL was able to do it (and finally passed the exam after her son was born) so I am sure that you can too. Also, a baby in an apartment isn’t too much of a problem since they take up little room. Not to mention, as soon as you pass, you’ll be bringing in enough money to buy a house quickly.

 

[SMHW]

Why am I feeling this way. A part of me tells me my husband is right in saying that we should wait, but there is this strong feeling inside me pulling me towards a family. I sometimes feel my husband is scared of starting a family and buying a home. I think we would be able to make it on his income for a little while until I finished school. He says he’s just being responsible. But I think he’s afraid.

Well, the simple answer to your question is you feel the way you do because that’s the way God designed women to feel. It’s natural to feel a desire for children. I think if the future is uncertain, that tends to make the desire for children even stronger.

Your husband may or may not be wise to suggest that you wait a bit longer. I imagine he is scared. Being scared may be reasonable. A child is a big responsibility.

But being open to children is part of God’s design for marriage. I’m fairly certain you are going to get all kinds of suggestions for reading materials from other posters.

I suggest you have a heartfelt conversation with your husband and discuss what he thinks it would take to be ‘ready’ to have children. Insist he be very specific so he will have to confront any of his fears and anxieties. Then you can offer your side of things. Your husband should understand that trusting in God is always necessary when one has children. The hardest parts of raising children aren’t the financial ones.

If your husband has reasonable goals it might make it easier for you to wait a year or two. (But that doesn’t mean you will feel like waiting.) If his goals seem like he’s looking in further into the future then I’d say you have a problem and may need to seek the advice of a priest or other counselor.

 

[dkoinzan]

I have a degree and I have a house and I have children. I would give up my degree. I would give up my house. I would never give up my children. When we started our family, we were renters, I worked part-time and sometimes we were flat broke after paying the sitter. I don’t regret any part of it. I am 39 years old and we would love to have more children. They are our reason for life. Last year I gave birth to a stillborn little girl and miscarried a son. The three living children, my husband, and I would give up anything to have those babies back. There is a reason for your desire. Don’t ignore it. Read Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West. You won’t regret it. Offer it to your husband and then he will understand.

 

[cheddarsox]

I have a degree and I have a house and I have children. I would give up my degree. I would give up my house. I would never give up my children. When we started our family, we were renters, I worked part-time and sometimes we were flat broke after paying the sitter. I don’t regret any part of it. I am 39 years old and we would love to have more children. They are our reason for life. Last year I gave birth to a stillborn little girl and miscarried a son. The three living children, my husband, and I would give up anything to have those babies back. There is a reason for your desire. Don’t ignore it. Read Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West. You won’t regret it. Offer it to your husband and then he will understand.

I very much agree with the above post.

If you are going to look at all the factors to have or not to have a child…don’t forget to look at your age. Fertility doesn’t last forever, neither does energy.

My mother had me at 35 and my entire childhood all I heard was “I’m too old/tired to (fill in the blank)” I don’t remember a single instance of her getting down on the floor to play with me.

My husband and I had our kids young, while he was in school. Today they are leaving home for marriage and college. We still don’t own a home, but you know what? That doesn’t really matter all that much.

I was raised to strive for the American Dream, but I don’t see that the folks with degrees, high income jobs, big houses with pools, cushy vacations are any happier than us, nor are their kids more well adjusted.

What do you want out of life?

Of all the things I’ve ever put time, energy and money into, my kids are by far the best investment I have ever, ever made.

Many people say they are “doing it for their kids”, but I urge you to examine your conscience. Many people end up sacraficing their children on the altar of what passes these days for “responsible parenthood”. Parenting will not be “easy”, no matter what degree you have, how much money you have, how wonderful a house you own, etc. There will always be a reason to put off parenthood for those who look hard enough.

 

[Cagrl]

I very much agree with the above post.

If you are going to look at all the factors to have or not to have a child…don’t forget to look at your age. Fertility doesn’t last forever, neither does energy.

My mother had me at 35 and my entire childhood all I heard was “I’m too old/tired to (fill in the blank)” I don’t remember a single instance of her getting down on the floor to play with me.

My husband and I had our kids young, while he was in school. Today they are leaving home for marriage and college. We still don’t own a home, but you know what? That doesn’t really matter all that much.

I was raised to strive for the American Dream, but I don’t see that the folks with degrees, high income jobs, big houses with pools, cushy vacations are any happier than us, nor are their kids more well adjusted.

What do you want out of life?

Of all the things I’ve ever put time, energy and money into, my kids are by far the best investment I have ever, ever made.

Many people say they are “doing it for their kids”, but I urge you to examine your conscience. Many people end up sacraficing their children on the altar of what passes these days for “responsible parenthood”. Parenting will not be “easy”, no matter what degree you have, how much money you have, how wonderful a house you own, etc. There will always be a reason to put off parenthood for those who look hard enough.

Hi and thanks for responding to my post. I cannot get my husband to understand my feelings, and reassurances that we would be fine and we could make it work.
I see that you basically reassured me of how I feel. I agree with what what you’ve told me as I see it the same way, but when I try to explain things to my husband he doesn’t get it.

My husband and I have talked and we’ve always said that family is the most important thing and it comes first. But I don’t know what’s happening. I am completely with you on all the things you’ve mention but I just don’t know what to do. My husband says he agrees that kids are most important but he just doesn’t feel comfortable if he doesn’t have something to offer them. He says he’s being responsible. He says he know he has his love and attention to offer but being responsible is also important. I have also brought to his attention my age factor and the fact that I don’t want to be older when my kids are grown and he agrees but says that unfortunately we have to wait a little longer.

I have explained to him that by the time that I get pregnant and the baby arrives and by the time I was to leave the baby (maybe at 2/3 month old) that that is about a year from now and by then I would have passed my test and able to start working and we would be fine. He says that without a better plan he doesn’t feel comfortable because “what if” I haven’t passed my test by then.

This is all just driving me depressed. I guess I really don’t have a choice but to wait. I mean, I can’t force him to start if he’s not ready. This is all really affecting me.

Please pray for me as I feel very emotional. I also feel distant from my husband right now. I guess I am just hurt. I don’t like feeling this way.

Thanks and God bless you.

 

[cheddarsox]

I will definitely pray for both of you.

“What if…”

We can’t control the universe. We live by faith. No matter how hard we try to put our ducks in a row…there are no guarentees.

I understand that men feel a strong need to take care of their families. I do sympathize with him, and respect where he is coming from. But at some point, all of us, must let go, and live.

Best to both of you.

cheddar

 

[hasikelee]

Why not try compromising? You finish the test then have a baby.

 

[Cagrl]

I will definitely pray for both of you.

“What if…”

We can’t control the universe. We live by faith. No matter how hard we try to put our ducks in a row…there are no guarentees.

I understand that men feel a strong need to take care of their families. I do sympathize with him, and respect where he is coming from. But at some point, all of us, must let go, and live.

Best to both of you.

cheddar

I agree. I have said this exact thing to him. And he said, “well but at least I am going to try and do things the right way and not just do things on a whim and not be responsible. And the responsible thing to do is do things when you’re done with school because then I will feel like we are both bringing in the income and that is more responsible.”

 

[Cagrl]

Why not try compromising? You finish the test then have a baby.

Yes, he says that when I finish and pass my test then we can talk. He said I should use this (wanting a baby) as my motivation to push me to pass this test. So i guess i’ll just have to wait and see if I pass in July.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[cheddarsox]

Yes, he says that when I finish and pass my test then we can talk. He said I should use this (wanting a baby) as my motivation to push me to pass this test. So i guess i’ll just have to wait and see if I pass in July.

Thank you for your prayers.

I know I am risking a lot of ire by saying this, but once you get your degree, then the idea is you will work and bring in a second income, but really, your child needs a parent at home raising it more than the nicities money will buy. There are other critical responsibilities besides finances.

I will pray.

I wish that our culture cared about people as much as “success” measured in dollar signs and square footage.
big old mansions, empty all day long while kids are packed 20 to a room in daycare. Oh what money will buy.

 

[puzzleannie]

there are several assumptions that seem to be at work in the on-going discussion between OP and her husband.
one is that a degree guarantees a good job, that is simply not true. There is not guarantee that one will get a job in their field, or that salary expectations will be met. There are plenty of good jobs that don’t require degrees.

getting a good job is not the only, or even the most important reason to finish college. The primary purpose of a college education should be to obtain a liberal education, to be literate in the literature, arts and sciences of the civilization, and to join in civilized discourse with great minds. Incidentally, it is excellent preparation for raising one’s own children.

another is that it is impossible for a woman to be pregnant or care for a baby at the same time she is going to school. that is also not necessarily true, I did it, my daughters did it, most of my friends did it. May not be the easiest way but it can be done.

another false assumption is that the mother working is necessarily the best thing for her and for the family. It may be a good thing, or it may be the less desireable situation, but that depends upon the woman, the family, and their situation.

sounds like OP and her husband have not yet discussed a lot of assumptions each has about marriage, careers, children, and even the purpose of marriage and planning their lives together. That discussion has to take place before decisions on specific topics like school, job, where to live, when to have children can be made.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Dont’ wait too long. My best friend is very successful. She and her husband planned everything, from school, career, starter home, now beautiful home great cars, great life plenty of money. They are finally ready for that baby. She is 38 he is 39. It has been almost a year and no baby. Her gyn told her she was fine to wait to have a baby, obviously not. The research on fertility treatments has not been too positive either, in fact that is an option she has just about ruled out.
That being said, maybe try coming up with a plan for your husband of how it could all work out, especially child care since you plan to work. Find out how flexible your career can be, maybe part time is available, or evening work.
A baby is such a blessing from God.

 

[reganq]

Hi Cagrl,

I am praying for you and your dh. I would ask dh what is more responsible: trusting our plans that we have for ourselves or trusting God and the plans that He has for us.

If you and your dh have answered the children/no children question, all you need to do is be open to it. Child care, finances and house are all things that God will take care of for us.

Far too often, we think that the most responsible thing that we can do is whatever the culture or our finances say are the best things we can do. Most often, the plans that God has for us make very little sense at all. If the decision about starting a family is based mostly on money/house, that doesn’t put God and your marriage in the first place.

For my dh and myself, God opened up many doors (and keeps opening new ones every day) once we decided to start taking a closer look at what He plans for us. We started small. We figured it would be a good idea to start tithing the full 10% of our gross income shortly before we started trying for child #1. We survived 16 weeks without my salary while I was on maternity leave. The five years since that time have been full of more exciting examples of how God cares for us than that small example.

It can be very scary having a child. The second we open ourselves up to it, we lose a little bit of control we had over things. (For me, this is one of my biggest challenges. I am a major control freak.) However, God offers us the grace to make it through every little thing. Only by being open to His plans can we grow in His grace and love.

I will be praying for wisdom and courage for you and your husband. All I can say is to open that door a tiny little crack. Start doing small little acts of faith that don’t make sense to anyone else. These little exercises will help strengthen you in ways you never dreamed possible.

God bless you!

 

[Cagrl]

there are several assumptions that seem to be at work in the on-going discussion between OP and her husband.
one is that a degree guarantees a good job, that is simply not true. There is not guarantee that one will get a job in their field, or that salary expectations will be met. There are plenty of good jobs that don’t require degrees.

getting a good job is not the only, or even the most important reason to finish college. The primary purpose of a college education should be to obtain a liberal education, to be literate in the literature, arts and sciences of the civilization, and to join in civilized discourse with great minds. Incidentally, it is excellent preparation for raising one’s own children.

another is that it is impossible for a woman to be pregnant or care for a baby at the same time she is going to school. that is also not necessarily true, I did it, my daughters did it, most of my friends did it. May not be the easiest way but it can be done.

another false assumption is that the mother working is necessarily the best thing for her and for the family. It may be a good thing, or it may be the less desireable situation, but that depends upon the woman, the family, and their situation.

sounds like OP and her husband have not yet discussed a lot of assumptions each has about marriage, careers, children, and even the purpose of marriage and planning their lives together. That discussion has to take place before decisions on specific topics like school, job, where to live, when to have children can be made.

I actually agree with everything you guys are saying here. And it’s very very sad, I know. So as you guys are pointing out, it seems as if my husband is more worried about financial then our kids. It’s very sad.

We had in the past talked about marriage, careers, children and planning our lives together. But I didn’t think that I was going to start getting impatient with my school taking so long to complete. He is still patiently waiting but I cannot wait. Court Reporters are in very high demand, so I know I will get a job in a court house or doing depositions. As for income, we are both are that I won’t be earning that much in the beginning and that’s okay.

This is all just making me so sad. I don’t know what to do because I see your point and I feel the same way too. I didn’t think I was going to feel this way right now. A lot of you are telling me I shouldn’t wait any longer but the things is I can’t force my husband. That is why I need your prayers as well as mine so that we can do God’s will in our lives. Our Lord is the center of our home. I love Him. I trust Him too. The thing is, obviously my husband feels better trying to control his future. Please pray for us. I know you already are and thank you but just in case.

 

[hasikelee]

Yes, he says that when I finish and pass my test then we can talk. He said I should use this (wanting a baby) as my motivation to push me to pass this test. So i guess i’ll just have to wait and see if I pass in July.

Thank you for your prayers.

Now, if that is how he said it, then it would seem there is a bigger problem.

That sounds very much like a demand or control issue. What are his stated and unspoken expectations regarding your career? When you married and/or began schooling, did he expect you would be bringing in an income, too? Could it be that he is not so much worried about a baby but rather worried you are going to be a mommy and not an earner?

Compromising is certainly an aspect of marriage. And in this situation I was thinking that perhaps your hubby was worried and feeling afraid you might never finish something you are very close to if you become pregnant. But demanding things in a marriage is usually a sign that one partner is in control. Disrespect, demands, unreasonableness, etc, usually come along with that.

Have you suggested seeing a financial advisor? They can sit down with you, take all your info and give you a good idea of how things will go with a baby.

 

[Cagrl]

Now, if that is how he said it, then it would seem there is a bigger problem.

That sounds very much like a demand or control issue. What are his stated and unspoken expectations regarding your career? When you married and/or began schooling, did he expect you would be bringing in an income, too? Could it be that he is not so much worried about a baby but rather worried you are going to be a mommy and not an earner?

Compromising is certainly an aspect of marriage. And in this situation I was thinking that perhaps your hubby was worried and feeling afraid you might never finish something you are very close to if you become pregnant. But demanding things in a marriage is usually a sign that one partner is in control. Disrespect, demands, unreasonableness, etc, usually come along with that.

Have you suggested seeing a financial advisor? They can sit down with you, take all your info and give you a good idea of how things will go with a baby.

No, that’s not how he said it. He didn’t use those words. He’s just afraid that I’ve worked so hard for so many years and have come so close to finally finishing and if I become pregnant I am not going to fufill my dreams of being a court reporter. He’s not demanding it either. Trust me, if I would have seen some control I would have spoken up because I can’t stand when one partner in the relationship is controlling. I think it’s very sad. And personally, I think it would drive me nuts. We had talked in the past and tried to compromise and that’s when we decided I would stop working and just focus on my studies so that I could finish faster. But as time has gone by, I have seen that I have not finished faster and I have become impatient with my schooling because it’s taken, it seems, forever. So that’s when I went to him again about school, and pregancy because I started getting the urge to get pregnant and that’s when he told me to just wait a little long with getting pregnant since I am almost finished with school. My fear is that I’ve taken this test 3 times already and the first time I passed two parts and have not been able to pass the last leg of this test. Once I pass this last leg, then I will be certified and can start working. My career is a very dificult one and most people don’t pass the first, second, or third. I have talk to some people and it’s taken them up to 5 times and finally pass. The pass rate for this test is very, very low each time. I love my career even though it’s very challenging and my husband has always been very supportive. When we started dating, my husband has always been the one that has wanted a family really bad but we weren’t married and were waiting for me to complete school, not thinking it was going to take me this long. It’s been a long road for me in this career and I have struggle with it so much that he would not want me to give up on it now. This is just so complicated it seems.

But you know, I still feel sad and torn but not as much as I had been feeling. I had been feeling “heavy.” I don’t know if you understand what I mean but today I am feeling a little better. Everyones’ prayers and mine are working. I know our Lord with with me and is hearing me. I know he will take care of us and May his will be done in my life. Whatever that may be. Thank you.

 

[hasikelee]

No, that’s not how he said it. He didn’t use those words. He’s just afraid that I’ve worked so hard for so many years and have come so close to finally finishing and if I become pregnant I am not going to fufill my dreams of being a court reporter. He’s not demanding it either. Trust me, if I would have seen some control I would have spoken up because I can’t stand when one partner in the relationship is controlling. I think it’s very sad. And personally, I think it would drive me nuts. We had talked in the past and tried to compromise and that’s when we decided I would stop working and just focus on my studies so that I could finish faster. But as time has gone by, I have seen that I have not finished faster and I have become impatient with my schooling because it’s taken, it seems, forever. So that’s when I went to him again about school, and pregancy because I started getting the urge to get pregnant and that’s when he told me to just wait a little long with getting pregnant since I am almost finished with school. My fear is that I’ve taken this test 3 times already and the first time I passed two parts and have not been able to pass the last leg of this test. Once I pass this last leg, then I will be certified and can start working. My career is a very dificult one and most people don’t pass the first, second, or third. I have talk to some people and it’s taken them up to 5 times and finally pass. The pass rate for this test is very, very low each time. I love my career even though it’s very challenging and my husband has always been very supportive. When we started dating, my husband has always been the one that has wanted a family really bad but we weren’t married and were waiting for me to complete school, not thinking it was going to take me this long. It’s been a long road for me in this career and I have struggle with it so much that he would not want me to give up on it now. This is just so complicated it seems.

But you know, I still feel sad and torn but not as much as I had been feeling. I had been feeling “heavy.” I don’t know if you understand what I mean but today I am feeling a little better. Everyones’ prayers and mine are working. I know our Lord with with me and is hearing me. I know he will take care of us and May his will be done in my life. Whatever that may be. Thank you.

In that case maybe using the anticipation of pregnancy as a motivator will work for you?

I agree, your career path is a pretty challenging one. I was considering it for awhile as an alternative to law, but the many certifications and tests seemed a heavier load!

 

[Cagrl]

In that case maybe using the anticipation of pregnancy as a motivator will work for you?

I agree, your career path is a pretty challenging one. I was considering it for awhile as an alternative to law, but the many certifications and tests seemed a heavier load!

In that case maybe using the anticipation of pregnancy as a motivator will work for you?

Yeah, that’s also what my husband also suggested that I do and see if that works since it’s so challenging. So I’m tring to use this feeling to push me and close this chapter of school in my life that has been opened for so long.

Yeah, most people that discover how challenging it is end up not taking it up and that’s why there’s such a high demand for court reporters because most people end up quiting. I guess you have to really want it to go through with it. And for me it’s been a long road and I’m alomost there!

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate being able to get different points and suggestions.

God bless u.

 

[mom27]

I feel I must respond. I am 39 and I have 7 children thus far. We are praying for more. If we had waited until we had enough money, or could afford to buy a house, or whatever… we would have no children. God will provide. Your husband needs to trust God. We get married to have children and educate them. Those are the primary reasons for marriage. We must have grave reason to avoid having a baby. We shouldn’t say because it would take time away from something else. That sounds quite selfish to me. If you are Catholic, then it really is our duty to have as many children as God would give us. Unless there is grave reasons not to. I agree also with the other poster that said you should be home with your children. Do not put them in daycare. That is so sad to me. THose children need you, not someone else, even a family member. I know from experience that a large family can live on 1 small income despite what the world and yes even most Catholics say. Unfortunatly, there is a very small percentage of us ( less than 5 %) that are open to life. You will be blessed beyond anything that your income could provide. Including a house. You might have to get something small. We are a family of 9 and are going to make an offer on a 1500 sf house. We are choosing that size because we would have the ablity to raise our children out of the city. Life is all about choice.

I didn’t mean to go on, but I felt the need to speak from my heart.
God Bless you,
Mom27