CHOOSE to love?

[chevalier]

Just a thought that’s crossed my mind when it was drifting. WARNING: Loose cannon syllogism alert.

Basically, “choice to love” is not inconsistent with the soulmate theory. Ever seen how people “save it” for “the right one”? For example, they save themselves for the meaningful relationship and they don’t go on dates, they don’t get involved half-heartedly, do nothing an a trial basis and generally are reluctant most of the time. When they meet the right person (or *a *right person), something unlocks, the way you release a latch mechanism. The latch falls et voile, let loose the dogs of love! Eerr… Scratch the last one. Those people basically realise that they have met the person in whom they can invest all that they’ve been saving in terms of emotions, commitment, companionship and so on. What is that if not a choice?

 

[Augusta_Sans]

Just a thought that’s crossed my mind when it was drifting. WARNING: Loose cannon syllogism alert.

Basically, “choice to love” is not inconsistent with the soulmate theory. Ever seen how people “save it” for “the right one”? For example, they save themselves for the meaningful relationship and they don’t go on dates, they don’t get involved half-heartedly, do nothing an a trial basis and generally are reluctant most of the time. When they meet the right person (or *a *right person), something unlocks, the way you release a latch mechanism. The latch falls et voile, let loose the dogs of love! Eerr… Scratch the last one. Those people basically realise that they have met the person in whom they can invest all that they’ve been saving in terms of emotions, commitment, companionship and so on. What is that if not a choice?

Brilliant!

 

[vames]

In my thread about my troubled marriage, many people say that love is not an emotion, but a choice, and that we must “choose to love.”

As something who is taking baby steps toward saving a failed marriage, I am both fascinated by and skeptical of this maxim.

What are your thoughts on the concept? What does it mean to you?
Are there books/resources where I can learn more?

Love is BOTH an emotion and a choice. Pure emotion doesn’t last, emotions come and go and leave you unsure and dizzy, with thoughts like: yesterday I loved you, today I don’t feel anything because I’m tired or distracted, so what’s wrong about me? etc. On the other hand, love can’t be solely a rational construct, because this is artificial and dishonest for both people involved: I love you “because” you are handsome, I love you “because” you I want someone in my life, I love you because you love me or my mommy told me so. We people have a great ability to idealize and convince ourselves of various things, if we want to; however, sometimes this amounts to an ability to create illusions and to believe these illusions, which is unhealthy.

Healthy love is emotion refined, cultivated and helped by reason and the power of will. Nature offers us a certain kind of emotion (butterflies in your stomach or simply feeling particularly good when a person is around), but our mind chooses if that emotion is worth being cultivated and if that person is the right one for us. For example, we can be attracted to a married person or to someone like Madoff, but we choose not to love them. I don’t know if the reverse is also true, i.e. if we can really develop genuine emotions only by choosing to believe that a person is the right one for us. Lovers can become friends, friends can become lovers; this happens when people are completely free to choose - it’s between 2 people, with no economic, familial, political or religious factors to push them towards a certain choice. Arranged marriages (for economic, familial, political or religious reasons) can work if people grow in affection, but I doubt those marriages can be more than partnerships/friendships with some sex added; maybe there are luckier cases, but those ones may be rather exceptions to the rule.