Choosing a parish...

  • Thread starter Thread starter lizferg
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

lizferg

Guest
My husband and I converted 2 years ago and had all 4 of our children baptized a year later. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mess. I live in a very small town, and there are 3 parishes about an equal distance from us. We’ve visited all 3 and had to make a decision on which one to attend.
We decided to attend “parish A” for RCIA because the classes were the most conveinent for our babysitting needs. We entered the church on Easter 2009.
When it came time to put the kids in CCD/first communion prep, we made the decision to go to “parish B”, which is in our own county, and I felt they would have friends from school to recognize, and it was a little bit closer. It’s a lot smaller, and not too many young families are involved, but I thought it was best that we went to our local county parish.
Our 2 older children went through first communion and and all were baptized this past Easter 2010.
I have wanted so badly to put the kids in Catholic school, but the parish B does not have one. We visited “Parish C” the past 2 weeks and it has a school, and seemed to be more of a thriving community of young families. I just feel terrible that we’ve been hopping around 3 parishes trying to decide where to register our membership. I’m a little afraid of approaching the priest and telling him our story. Will we be looked down upon?
We’ve never even had much of a personal relationship with the other 2 priests, which I have felt a little dissappointed. One baptized our children, and the other, we were confirmed with at the first parish, but if they saw us walking down the street, they wouldn’t even recognize us. We kind of felt like we were herded through the joining process and not cared for personally. Not really here to whine about that, I know first and foremost we are there to worship Christ only.
Hope I don’t get slapped on the wrist too badly with this post 🙂
 
Your post is a problem that faces many families. You are not alone. You have to look at it this way. All the parishes that you have attended are a part of The Catholic Church. You are in the midst of finding a parish that your family feels best suits there spiritual needs. That is what is most important. You as a parent are obligated to nurture your children’s spiritual upbringing. It is also necessary for you to feel comfortable in the parish that you choose. This is not being selfish or self centered in any way. In today’s day and age families are forced to move and become a part of a new parish all the time. A parishes responsibility is to make these new faces as comfortable and welcome as possible. It is unfortunate that there are parishes out there that hold you as an outsider because you are new. They are not doing God’s work. The pastor of this type of parish should be made aware that this is the face that his congregation portrays and he should address this situation. Again, go where you feel most comfortable and welcome. The Church is there for the needs of your family and their salvation. God Bless G1j
 
I always just pick the one closest to me, sometimes you can think about things to much, the truth is no parish is perfect, they are all made up of human beings after all. However ultimately they are all part of the Catholic Church and you can get the sacraments at any, that is the important thing, the sacraments.

The Church does not exist to provide us with a nice social life or stuff like that in my opinion, if it develops naturally great but its not a big deal if it doesn’t that’s not why Christ gave us the Chruch He gave us the Church to get us to Heaven.

At the same time I am a private person and I absolutely hate things like greeters and people acting like they are my best friend when they just met me its, so fake and makes we dread going to church.
 
lizferg said:
My husband and I converted 2 years ago and had all 4 of our children baptized a year later. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mess. I live in a very small town, and there are 3 parishes about an equal distance from us. We’ve visited all 3 and had to make a decision on which one to attend.
We decided to attend “parish A” for RCIA because the classes were the most conveinent for our babysitting needs. We entered the church on Easter 2009.
When it came time to put the kids in CCD/first communion prep, we made the decision to go to “parish B”, which is in our own county, and I felt they would have friends from school to recognize, and it was a little bit closer. It’s a lot smaller, and not too many young families are involved, but I thought it was best that we went to our local county parish.
Our 2 older children went through first communion and and all were baptized this past Easter 2010.
I have wanted so badly to put the kids in Catholic school, but the parish B does not have one. We visited “Parish C” the past 2 weeks and it has a school, and seemed to be more of a thriving community of young families. I just feel terrible that we’ve been hopping around 3 parishes trying to decide where to register our membership. I’m a little afraid of approaching the priest and telling him our story. Will we be looked down upon?
We’ve never even had much of a personal relationship with the other 2 priests, which I have felt a little dissappointed. One baptized our children, and the other, we were confirmed with at the first parish, but if they saw us walking down the street, they wouldn’t even recognize us. We kind of felt like we were herded through the joining process and not cared for personally. Not really here to whine about that, I know first and foremost we are there to worship Christ only.
Hope I don’t get slapped on the wrist too badly with this post 🙂
Click to expand...
This topic comes up quite often.

By canon law, Catholics are members of the parish where they actually live. Each parish has a defined territory. It doesn’t matter where you go to Mass (first, you’re free to attend anywhere, and second, attendance does not equate to parish membership). Many Catholics are under the false impression that somehow “registering” at a parish makes one a member of that parish, but this isn’t true. Parish lines are like city limits–if you live within the territory, you’re a parishioner of that parish, no matter what else.

Distance is a good start, but it’s not necessarily the case that your closest parish is your proper parish. It still depends on territory. For example, if you live in one state, but you happen to be closer geographically to the capitol city of another state, that doesn’t make you a resident of that other state–you’re still a resident of the state where you live.

Catholics don’t “choose” a parish–it depends entirely upon which parish territory you have a residence. Keeping in mind that you may attend Mass or any other service at any Catholic parish entirely at your own choice; when it comes to certain sacraments (like marriage) or other matters that require the ministry of one’s “proper pastor” only the parish of the place where you live matters.

No doubt, some people will tell you that it doesn’t matter what your proper parish might be, just register wherever you feel. Assuming the pastor even allows you to do it (since registration means nothing, there’s nothing preventing a pastor from registering anyone he pleases–unless the bishop insists that they don’t do this because it’s confusing), you might not have any future problems if you do it this way. But at the same time, there’s also no guarantee that it won’t be a problem sometime in the future. It certainly has the very real potential to be a problem.

The exception to the above is “personal parishes” which means that a parish territory is defined by certain group of people (we usually see this in designated ethnic parishes), but this only applies if that particular parish was established by the bishop as a personal parish. Nowadays, these are rather rare.
 
lizferg said:
I have wanted so badly to put the kids in Catholic school, but the parish B does not have one. We visited “Parish C” the past 2 weeks and it has a school, and seemed to be more of a thriving community of young families. I just feel terrible that we’ve been hopping around 3 parishes trying to decide where to register our membership. I’m a little afraid of approaching the priest and telling him our story. Will we be looked down upon?
We’ve never even had much of a personal relationship with the other 2 priests, which I
Click to expand...
no of course you will not be looked down upon. Finding a parish with a Catholic school, or a solid RE program is a valid reason to switch parishes and one any pastor should accept. You are not really hopping around just trying your options, simply tell the pastor your story when you register, mainly so he knows you are new to the church which is why you don’t have much of a history with his parish, which some pastors look for from families who wish to attend the school. You will of course be financially supporting the new parish as your circumstances allow as well.

The personal relationship with the pastor that many Protestants enjoy, especially if their congregations are much smaller, is sadly lacking in many large Catholic parishes. Maybe not in your area if it is a small town, but our pastor has to regularly ask if I know this or that family from CCD when they call for other help. It just is not possible for him to know 2500 families, or even 800 CCD families, or even 400 volunteers in various parish ministries. He is the only priest, he also has a full time assignment with the bishop, and is busy with 4 Masses on Sunday so cannot even visit RCIA classes. He tries to interact with them when we celebrate the rites, and has an interview with each family in Lent some time, but other than that, you are right, he might not recognize them on the street.

I have to be honest even though I work much more closely with the families, and I might recognize faces in the grocery store, I won’t remember much else. The small community closeness is one thing you may miss, but getting involved in the parish school, or in CCD, is the best way to build relationships not only with staff and volunteers, but most of all other families like yourself.

Welcome Home, all of you!
 
puzzleannie said:
no of course you will not be looked down upon. Finding a parish with a Catholic school, or a solid RE program is a valid reason to switch parishes and one any pastor should accept. …!
Click to expand...
The only way to “switch parishes” is to pick up and move to another location. What you’re describing is to register (or whatever other word might be used) in a parish where one is not a member.
 
FrDavid96 said:
This topic comes up quite often.

By canon law, Catholics are members of the parish where they actually live. Each parish has a defined territory. It doesn’t matter where you go to Mass (first, you’re free to attend anywhere, and second, attendance does not equate to parish membership). Many Catholics are under the false impression that somehow “registering” at a parish makes one a member of that parish, but this isn’t true. Parish lines are like city limits–if you live within the territory, you’re a parishioner of that parish, no matter what else.

Distance is a good start, but it’s not necessarily the case that your closest parish is your proper parish. It still depends on territory. For example, if you live in one state, but you happen to be closer geographically to the capitol city of another state, that doesn’t make you a resident of that other state–you’re still a resident of the state where you live.

Catholics don’t “choose” a parish–it depends entirely upon which parish territory you have a residence. Keeping in mind that you may attend Mass or any other service at any Catholic parish entirely at your own choice; when it comes to certain sacraments (like marriage) or other matters that require the ministry of one’s “proper pastor” only the parish of the place where you live matters.

No doubt, some people will tell you that it doesn’t matter what your proper parish might be, just register wherever you feel. Assuming the pastor even allows you to do it (since registration means nothing, there’s nothing preventing a pastor from registering anyone he pleases–unless the bishop insists that they don’t do this because it’s confusing), you might not have any future problems if you do it this way. But at the same time, there’s also no guarantee that it won’t be a problem sometime in the future. It certainly has the very real potential to be a problem.

The exception to the above is “personal parishes” which means that a parish territory is defined by certain group of people (we usually see this in designated ethnic parishes), but this only applies if that particular parish was established by the bishop as a personal parish. Nowadays, these are rather rare.
Click to expand...
That is what I always thought Father David but this crazy parish shopping by Catholics that seems to have become so common now in the manner of the protestants made me unsure if that was still the case. Parish shopping is destructive of the creation of a real spirit of community in a parish and it is damaging parish life in my opinion.
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
That is what I always thought Father David but this crazy parish shopping by Catholics that seems to have become so common now in the manner of the protestants made me unsure if that was still the case. Parish shopping is destructive of the creation of a real spirit of community in a parish and it is damaging parish life in my opinion.
Click to expand...
Yes, it is a problem. The other side though is that Catholics should not be put into a position where they want to change parishes. Reasons are wide and varried, some good some not so good.

What a lot of posters who advise people to ignore parish boundaries and just register wherever they feel is that at some point in the future, this can cause serious problems for people who do this. Just because one or another pastor is willing to look the other way and ignore canon law right now, there’s no guarantee that this will also be the case in the future. Given the priest shortage and the closing of so many previous ethnic parishes across the US, parish boundaries are becoming more enforced, not less. When someone calls a priest and the priest responds “I’m too busy taking care of my own parishioners to have the luxury of taking care of someone who is a parishioner of the neighboring parish. Call your own pastor” I suppose the person in that case can appeal to internet posters for relief.

When the time comes that a certain Catholic is in a situation where parish shopping indeed causes a problem for the person/family, the idea that “someone on the internet told me it was OK” will be of little comfort.
 
Personally I think that parish shopping is good for the Church. If a pastor of a local parish sees his congregation going down the road to the next parish, maybe he will stop for a minute and wonder what his parish may do better to serve his people not just rely on "boundaries to make sure the seats are full. That is part of the problem with the Church today.She takes to much for granted. I live in an area that is on the boarder of 2 different diocese. I know for a fact that there are people that are members of our parish that reside within the “boundaries” of the other diocese. For the record, our priest just told us in his Sunday Homily that currently there is NO shortages of priests. We always pray for an increase in vocations. The problem is there is a shortage of parishioners. Mother church needs to look long and hard and address that issue. G1j
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
That is what I always thought Father David but this crazy parish shopping by Catholics that seems to have become so common now in the manner of the protestants made me unsure if that was still the case. Parish shopping is destructive of the creation of a real spirit of community in a parish and it is damaging parish life in my opinion.
Click to expand...
Again, people would not parish shop if they were made to feel welcome. Unfortunately that is not the case in some parishes. Some are very snooty and cliquey. This does not promote “Love thy neighbor”. It just makes people want to go somewhere else. G1j
 
Thank you all for your comments. We live right on the county border. I am exactly 10 miles either way to each of the last 2 parishes I mentioned, one with the school and then the small town one within my county. I guess that’s why I’m having a hard time. It’s so tempting to go to the more active school parish, but I see the point in staying in our community.
 
lizferg said:
My husband and I converted 2 years ago and had all 4 of our children baptized a year later. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mess. I live in a very small town, and there are 3 parishes about an equal distance from us. We’ve visited all 3 and had to make a decision on which one to attend.
We decided to attend “parish A” for RCIA because the classes were the most conveinent for our babysitting needs. We entered the church on Easter 2009.
When it came time to put the kids in CCD/first communion prep, we made the decision to go to “parish B”, which is in our own county, and I felt they would have friends from school to recognize, and it was a little bit closer. It’s a lot smaller, and not too many young families are involved, but I thought it was best that we went to our local county parish.
Our 2 older children went through first communion and and all were baptized this past Easter 2010.
I have wanted so badly to put the kids in Catholic school, but the parish B does not have one. We visited “Parish C” the past 2 weeks and it has a school, and seemed to be more of a thriving community of young families. I just feel terrible that we’ve been hopping around 3 parishes trying to decide where to register our membership. I’m a little afraid of approaching the priest and telling him our story. Will we be looked down upon?
We’ve never even had much of a personal relationship with the other 2 priests, which I have felt a little dissappointed. One baptized our children, and the other, we were confirmed with at the first parish, but if they saw us walking down the street, they wouldn’t even recognize us. We kind of felt like we were herded through the joining process and not cared for personally. Not really here to whine about that, I know first and foremost we are there to worship Christ only.
Hope I don’t get slapped on the wrist too badly with this post 🙂
Click to expand...
OP, are you thinking of switching to “parish C” just for the school AND the young families? Is this the only parish with a school? Let me offer our experience with having the only parish school around our area. Since we had the only Catholic school in the area, it was not a requirement to be a member of the parish that had the school. If you are also considering “parish C” because of the young families, I would see just how many of those young families actually send their kids to that parish school.

We were members of the parish with the school, and there were a ton of young families that were at the masses on any given Sunday, BUT very few of those families actually sent their children to the parish school. If anything a majority of the enrollment of the parish school came from the next parish up the road, where the public school system wasn’t the best.

I’m just suggesting if that you’re thinking of joining another parish based on the school and hoping that you become involved with the other young families, that it may not necessarily be a gone conclusion that those young families you are seeing, are using the school and you may never be involved in any activities they may be involved in at the parish. Do some more investigating of the school, see if you can tell where most of the students may be registered. We came to realize all the young families we saw at mass, their children were involved in the CCD program and our paths never crossed. And the families we did have contact with because of the school, were members at other parishes.
 
I just wanted to add that I have made efforts to be active at this small parish. I volunteered for VBS and had a great time with the kids.
I joined a MOMS group, but we dwindled down to 3 people and tried to start one up again with no one interested in signing up, so we have disbanded at the moment. I attended a bible study on Monday nights, and I was the only one under the age of 50 there. I enjoyed it very much, but miss that connection with younger families. It seems that the younger parishoners come on Sunday and leave it at that. I am actually going to join my little local Baptist MOPS group because there is not a Catholic one around. (At least that I know of). I thought of starting one up at our church, but the track record with young people signing up to do things is very sad.
 
I will give you an example of why Parish shopping is a bad idea - and Lypher if your here - don’t go bring up a bunch of scandal at the next Parish meeting before I do- we have a Cafeteria Catholic priest who has made things very uncomfortable for those of us who insist on being in line with the Magisterium and doing ministry. At this point I have been shut out of ministry because I do not agree that we should hope for things such as ordination of women or that people who do not have sacramental marriages should be EHMCs. These are major issues. I am not the first. I am not leaving like the others did. Mainly because I am a disabled veteran which a) makes me stubborn - LOL and b) gives me a disability that does not allow to drive. Now basically because all the other conservatives got run out - now there are a very small group of us left with me being the visible symbol of opposition. Not a good place for someone who is 31years old, in daily pain, and disabled to be in. But we all have our crosses to bear. OP- you are doing the best you can for your children and that is to be commended. Could you register you children in the school while staying at the proper parish?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top