Choosing a spiritual director

[PazzoGrande]

This question is for people who have had used spiritual directors and have experience at how it works best.

I have been using a spiritual director who is our former Vicar for Clergy. However frankly I feel that perhaps it’s not a right fit between us. We get along well but I don’t feel that there’s the right spiritual depth from him.

I’m a Knight of the Holy Sepulchre, and a clergy-member of the Order, however, seems to have the right stuff. I am apprehensive about having him though because we attend the same functions together and know each other socially. I feel like it’s probably better to have a spiritual director whom I won’t see around, so I can be frank about everything without being too concerned about what he thinks. With the case of the former Vicar for Clergy, he at least fills that prerequisite of us not having to associate elsewhere, but he lacks the depth I feel that I need.

In your opinion, is it counterintuitive to have a spiritual director whom you know socially?

 

[Eichelbaum]

I feel like it’s probably better to have a spiritual director whom I won’t see around, so I can be frank about everything without being too concerned about what he thinks.

That would depend on why you’re concerned about what he thinks of you. Is there too much of an attachment to human respect?

 

[PazzoGrande]

That would depend on why you’re concerned about what he thinks of you. Is there too much of an attachment to human respect?

No, it’s just the awkwardness.

I asked for advice from people with experience, not for people to come up here and try to find flaws in me. Thank you.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

No, it’s just the awkwardness.

I asked for advice from people with experience, not for people to come up here and try to find flaws in me. Thank you.

I think this was a fair question, sorry that you didn’t.
I have had a SD that was part of my social group and we did just fine. You both must set and agree to boundaries but it is possible.

If it were me I would spend some time exploring my reasons for wanting to change. A SD should compliment your spirituality not conform to it.

Have you discussed your feelings with your current director? That should be the first place you start, IMHO.

 

[Ad_Orientem]

I’ve had spiritual directors whom I knew socially. For me it wasn’t a problem – and I revealed very personal things. It largely depends on the connection you have with the director in question – is he someone you feel comfortable with and trust? Of course he has to consent to it also. Ask his opinion. If he says yes, you can always try it out, and change your mind later. You don’t have to reveal everything the first meeting. If it’s a question of quality, go with quality.

 

[pianistclare]

I think this was a fair question, sorry that you didn’t.
I have had a SD that was part of my social group and we did just fine. You both must set and agree to boundaries but it is possible.

If it were me I would spend some time exploring my reasons for wanting to change. A SD should compliment your spirituality not conform to it.

Have you discussed your feelings with your current director? That should be the first place you start, IMHO.

This.
A Director often leads someone to a place that they would not have ever gone otherwise, spiritually.
Nearly all of the people who go to my pastor for Spiritual Direction are members elsewhere. And he has said no to people who really wanted to get close to him because of the “ease” of location and availability. He will often recommend a priest at a nearby parish.

For what it’s worth, it’s best not to read too much into anyone’s words.
Online or in real life.
Good luck.

 

[acadiANNA]

I would find a Spiritual Director who can increase your faith. I would try another one. Doesn’t sound like you are being spiritually fed. It’s not a good fit. Will be praying for you. God bless.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

This question is for people who have had used spiritual directors and have experience at how it works best.

I have been using a spiritual director who is our former Vicar for Clergy. However frankly I feel that perhaps it’s not a right fit between us. We get along well but I don’t feel that there’s the right spiritual depth from him.

I’m a Knight of the Holy Sepulchre, and a clergy-member of the Order, however, seems to have the right stuff. I am apprehensive about having him though because we attend the same functions together and know each other socially. I feel like it’s probably better to have a spiritual director whom I won’t see around, so I can be frank about everything without being too concerned about what he thinks. With the case of the former Vicar for Clergy, he at least fills that prerequisite of us not having to associate elsewhere, but he lacks the depth I feel that I need.

In your opinion, is it counterintuitive to have a spiritual director whom you know socially?

My direct answer to your question: no, it’s not objectively counterintuitive.

That said, sensitivity levels vary so this option might work for some but not for others. Personally, I automatically exclude three groups of people from my potential SD pool - anyone I’m related to, anyone in my parish, and anyone I consider to be a friend. Others may exclude more groups while others still might include people I wouldn’t consider. YMMV.

Your observation that direction with your current SD lacks the desired depth is a more important issue IMO, and one you should discuss with him. It may be time to move on.

Moreover, I think proper spiritual direction requires unbridled honesty. The more elements the SD has, the more complete and precise his or her direction can be. Hesitation to bare all in direction impedes the process and can thus also be a sign it’s time to move on.

 

[PapyrusDouay]

That said, sensitivity levels vary so this option might work for some but not for others. Personally, I automatically exclude three groups of people from my potential SD pool - anyone I’m related to, anyone in my parish, and anyone I consider to be a friend.

I think this is pretty good advice. In my community, we cannot use anyone we live with, or is a peer, nor one of our formators as a spiritual director. The reason is that, even though they may be excellent and even widely sought out by other religious, clergy, seminarians, or laity they get a level of depth of knowledge about you that may create awkwardness or make you or them uncomfortable sharing stories around the dinner table or something. It doesn’t mean we can’t talk to them, seek advice, (name removed by moderator)ut, counsel, guidance or anything like that, but due to the confidentiality of spiritual direction, it’s better to not be put into, or to put someone else into a weird situation. If you just see this person on occasion, at meetings, functions, mass, I don’t think theres an issue.

Ultimately though, it’s a mutual decision between you and the spiritual director. You can ask him what he thinks. If he thinks you’re friendship or relationship is too close for spiritual direction, he should say so. He’ll probably be able to give better advice as to the circumstances than anyone here can.