Choosing between two women

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Km2012

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Hey guys.

I have been in a committed relationship for over several years now. Throughout the relationship my girlfriend has had some jealous feelings about a friend of mine who I’ve known for most my life. This friend and I have had a mutual attraction at various times in the past, and it has caused problems in past relationships as well.

Recent events led to me and my girlfriend taking something of a break as I discern this and figure out what each of them are supposed to be to me. I am struggling with an extremely strong attraction towards this friend, and it is difficult for me to act knowing that one of these women will be extremely hurt by the outcome of my discernment.

Is it right for me to put my relationship on hold while I discern about another woman? Would it be wrong of me to leave one person in favor of another?
 
To be clear, I am being very honest with both of them about my need to discern this. I do not want to give either of them a reason to distrust me. I am sincerely conflicted about this, and it’s not fair to be with anyone when I am so unsure.
 
Fair enough. Fortunately she has been very understanding about the whole scenario - she knows I cannot help feeling conflicted, and she is doing her best to help be discern honestly.
 
Does “friend” of many years feel the same way about you? You need to find this out immediately, Just have an honest face to face with her and find out. Then if she does and you are in love with her then you have a decision to make. It isn’t nice to string anyone along as you may have been doing with current girlfriend. If you don’t love her, then let her go in order to find someone who truly, sincerely will love her. Either way make a decision and be willing to live with the consequences that someone will be hurt. There is a psychology of wanting what you can’t have, so once the “chosen” has the wonderful you, you may not be as desirable anymore. Bottom line is one woman at a time and don’t use people!
 
Yes, the friend shares the same feelings, and my girlfriend has approached me about it. I’m definitely not trying to string anyone along, which is why I’ve been as honest as possible with both of them about the situation.

I think the difficult part is that I have been friends with this person for a very long time, and they aren’t likely to leave my life even if I stay with my girlfriend. I worry that these feelings would come up again later in life and cause even worse complications.
 
I don’t think either woman is right for you.

If you were head over heels for one of them, you would know immediately.
 
Km2012 said:
I worry that these feelings would come up again later in life and cause even worse complications.
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In that case I would see how things go with your friend. Giving it a real chance may settle your mind even if it doesn’t work out what if won’t be on your mind.

Also if you choose your girlfriend be prepared for her to insist on dropping your friendship.
 
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Tv reality shows like the Bachelor and married at first sight have a lot to answer for…
 
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It doesn’t seem like your current girlfriend means that much to you. So, why don’t you just break up with her and start seeing your old friend? I mean, you can’t stay with someone just because they’ll be hurt when the relationship ends.

Don’t string these people along for more than a couple days. You need to get on with it.
 
No, it’s not right for you to put that relationship on hold. Doing that means your GF would be putting her life on hold waiting for your to make up your mind. Totally not fair to her.
 
Km2012 said:
This friend and I have had a mutual attraction at various times in the past, and it has caused problems in past relationships as well.
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If your attraction to your friend has consistently caused issues in your relationships, maybe it’s not a friendship you should continue. Friends of the opposite sex are fine, but it doesn’t seem like you actually see her as a friend. This isn’t fair to anyone you date.

It doesn’t seem like you are looking for a commitment right now, if you are even considering this. That’s okay, but don’t put your relationship “on hold”. Either commit to her and put some distance between yourself and your friend, or break up. Don’t make her hang around waiting for you to make up your mind. Let her meet someone who is sure he wants to be with her.
 
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You’re not married, so you’re free to do whatever you like–break up with your girlfriend, or pursue your friend.

But you need to be above board and honest with everybody–no sneaking around.

What is the fascination with the friend? Do you see her as your safety net/back up plan? Or is she the one that got away?
 
If you were in a committed relationship as you stated in the OP this would not have come up.
You’re likely not ready to settle down or be in a committed relationship.
Don’t mess with people’s emotions like this.
N o bueno.
 
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This is not discernment. This is messing about in the name of discernment. An awful lot of catholic young men seem to use discernment as an excuse to faff around when if comes to relationships.

If you are having this dilemma then my advice would be to avoid any relationship until you’ve matured a bit.

Actual discernment is when you remain with someone for a period of time until you either decide that marriage between you is not going to happen, or you want to go further.

You can’t expect to “put a relationship on hold” to decide if another woman is going to be better for you.

It’s extremely hurtful and insensitive to do this.
 
At the risk of sounding uncharitable, both women sound too good for you, OP. I agree with a previous poster, if you were “on the fence” with me as a suitor, I’d tell you to get lost. Why? Nobody, man or woman, deserves to be settled on.
 
Yikes. Allow me to clarify, guys.

I am referring to the one girl as “my girlfriend”, but I did break off the relationship. I understand that it would be uncharitable to remain in a relationship with her while struggling with this confusion. I am not trying to balance both of them, but I do have discerning to do regarding my relationships with them. Both women are fully aware of what the circumstances are, and there is no dishonesty about any of it.
 
Km2012 said:
I am referring to the one girl as “my girlfriend”, but I did break off the relationship. I understand that it would be uncharitable to remain in a relationship with her while struggling with this confusion. I am not trying to balance both of them, but I do have discerning to do regarding my relationships with them. Both women are fully aware of what the circumstances are, and there is no dishonesty about any of it
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In your original post, you wrote that you “put your relationship on hold”. That is not the same thing as breaking up. Putting it “on hold” implies that you let a significant other think that there is still a chance, that she is giving you some space and time to figure things out but that you want it to work out if it is right. A breakup is “we are no longer together, there is no future for us, and I wish you well”.
 
Roseeurekacross said:
I don’t think either woman is right for you.

If you were head over heels for one of them, you would know immediately.
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I second this. I think you need to have no girlfriend and no friend contact to figure this out. You could end up losing both of them, and still never know.

If I were your girlfriend and you wanted to “discern,” that would be it for me. See ya. Do you think you are going to come back after you see if you want someone else? The fact that you even want to find out while having her as a girlfriend is a slap in the face to your girlfriend.
 
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