Choosing celibacy in marriage

[newbie25553]

After some discussion (started by myself), my wife and I decided to give up sexual relations during Lent. Oddly enough, while it did become difficult eventually, my first reaction was one of relief. Finally, no more begging / pestering! We are both 30, have been married 5 years, and my wife never initiates unless we are trying for a child.

Now I am wondering if it might be best for us to remain celibate in our marriage completely (unless we feel called to have more children). We are on a fancy island vacation and inevitably it’s led to a lot of frustration and an overall bad time. In fact, she just said she just wants to go home (but we still have a few days left).

I am wondering if there is anyone who has heard of a similar situation or could provide some guidance? I’m honestly starting to feel like it just might be easier if there was an expectation of celibacy because of all the issues that come up when we are sexually active.

I have tried communicating with her for the better part of the 5 years of our marriage about these issues (and beforehand prior to our marriage) to no avail… (patience, listening, loving, tough love, etc. all don’t work)

Thanks for any help.

 

[Bookcat]

There is not such thing as “celibacy” in marriage.

The choice of terms there was imprecise. For celibacy comes from the Latin “caelebs” which refers to being “unmarried”. A married couple cannot have a vocation to be “unmarried”. Mary and Joseph were not celibate but married - and she was a perpetual virgin. Though they were yes completely continent.

Of course there is that rare vocation within marriage where a married couple with great discernment (and competent spiritual direction is important) embrace that life of a continent marriage for say the sake of a more contemplative life (not that those who do not cannot live a more contemplative life of course- but that is one way that has been embraced by various persons through the ages).

From what you noted - that it seems rather that the matter needs work (yes further communication…perhaps Catholic Counselor (from someone faithful to the Church or even the new marriage enrichment course “Beloved” offered online by the Augustine Institute…) – rather than such a choice be made of perpetual continence in marriage.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Sounds like a terrible and unhealthy idea. You should work on establishing intimacy that is beneficial and enjoyable for you both. There is a good reason that sex in marriage is called making love. Throwing in the towel is not going to lead to a healthy marriage and will leave a poor example for your children to aspire to for their own marriages.

 

[808Catholic]

After some discussion (started by myself), my wife and I decided to give up sexual relations during Lent. Oddly enough, while it did become difficult eventually, my first reaction was one of relief. Finally, no more begging / pestering! We are both 30, have been married 5 years, and my wife never initiates unless we are trying for a child.

Now I am wondering if it might be best for us to remain celibate in our marriage completely (unless we feel called to have more children). We are on a fancy island vacation and inevitably it’s led to a lot of frustration and an overall bad time. In fact, she just said she just wants to go home (but we still have a few days left).

I am wondering if there is anyone who has heard of a similar situation or could provide some guidance? I’m honestly starting to feel like it just might be easier if there was an expectation of celibacy because of all the issues that come up when we are sexually active.

I have tried communicating with her for the better part of the 5 years of our marriage about these issues (and beforehand prior to our marriage) to no avail… (patience, listening, loving, tough love, etc. all don’t work)

Thanks for any help.

The conjugal act is just one of many forms of love in a marriage. As a couple, are you experiencing all the forms or are you placing sole emphasis on the sex act? Sorry if I’m prying too much.

 

[EasterJoy]

If you want to give up sex in order to devote yourself to prayer and fasting, that can be OK.

If you are ready to give up on sex you still want to have because you’ve gotten so much rejection from your wife that you prefer to quit trying, I’d get help from a professional marriage counselor. Right at this minute, though, do whatever you think is realistically the most likely to make your vacation as enjoyable as possible. The work your marriage needs can wait. Enjoy each other in the ways that you both enjoy now. Work later.

 

[ServantPD]

I think you kind of jamp from one extreme to the other - from having to beg your wife (using your own words) to have a marital embrace, from not having at all…
Intercourse is that component of marriage in which you two become one in the flesh, both on the carnal level, as well as on the spiritual one if done correctly. By that I mean that this is fundamental for your reception of God’s grace of perseverance in your marriage by building a strong intimacy of one another by letting one be part of another. This is a great cornerstone for marriages to work out well!

And a reminder-advice for you, that you might know already but it’s always good to recall - don’t keep God out of your bed. When you do it, do it while expecting His intervention for it to happen in its fullest. Remember that sex is called “marital embrace” because it fulfills and consumates the Sacrament, and like all Sacraments, they happen more naturally once you realize God’s presence in them, and you do them expecting His intervention, and they leave you more fulfilled spiritually. Always remember that!

 

[adytum]

Permanent continance in marriage for a man who’s still interested in marital relations, would be ill-advised, for one thing, because it could lead to adultery at some point. Even Paul says

…because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband…Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor. 7)