Choosing Friends

[Rbaker]

Hi all, hope you are all doing well. I’m not sure if this is in the right place, but I’m asking anyway.

Recently my father and I were having a conversation, and he asked why I didn’t hang out with any of my high school friends anymore. I’m 18 and most of my friends are too. In actuality I only have about 3 really good friends, and I hang out with my cousins like they are my friends. But that leaves a lot of free time. I do miss my high school friends, but I have no desire to hang out with them, mainly because all they want to do is go to parties with alcohol and sex. I mean there have been conversations where they continually tell me how bad they want to see me drunk.

I told my dad about it and he said that I’m probably just too mature for my age, and that they will grow up, but I still don’t know what to do. Will they still like me if I don’t hang out with them until they mature? I feel like I’m cutting myself off from people I used to spend most of day with, and I worry about making new friends in the future or becoming anti social. I mean I’m already shy enough and have a hard time making friends.

So what should I do, should I just kick my old friends to the curb and keep my circle small. And how is the best way to make new friends?

 

[underacloud]

It sounds like this bothers your dad more than it bothers you? I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Some people just don’t need that many friends.

I also expect that your friends just need to grow up a bit. Most young adults enjoy the party scene at first but come to realise how empty it really is. Those who do come to this realisation will respect your maturity. Those who don’t are unlikely to be good long term friends anyway.

Whatever you do now after school - Uni, work, etc - you’ll begin to make new friends. I wouldn’t worry about losing a few along the way.

 

[Rbaker]

It sounds like this bothers your dad more than it bothers you? I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Some people just don’t need that many friends.

I also expect that your friends just need to grow up a bit. Most young adults enjoy the party scene at first but come to realise how empty it really is. Those who do come to this realisation will respect your maturity. Those who don’t are unlikely to be good long term friends anyway.

Whatever you do now after school - Uni, work, etc - you’ll begin to make new friends. I wouldn’t worry about losing a few along the way.

Yeah I think he’s just worried that I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. Sometimes I just get in these moods where I become a time waster. Probably should pray more and make Jesus my best friend lol

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Keep your three good friends, stay in contact with the others. Time to spare or "waste? Get involved in the needs of the Church or other volunteer work. Peace.

 

[Kelfa28]

I stopped hanging with my high school friends when I graduated. We weren’t that close to begin with.

It wasn’t an immaturity thing on either side, we just drifted apart.

I’ve kept in contact with a very small handful of them on Facebook and that is about it.

I made new friends when I graduated and even more new friends when I went to college and when I got my first job.

I continued to make new friends when I joined the military, got married and when my husband and I started going to our Church.

Seasons of life change, you develop new interests and, therefore, new friends. There is only one girl I’ve been very close to since high school. We didn’t go to the same school but met at our summer jobs and kept in touch through the past 16 years.

I see nothing wrong with moving on from friendships and finding new ones. There are plenty of people to meet with the same interests as you if you know where to look.

 

[crystal_waters]

You are doing the right thing not hanging round with them…why hang around people who are just going to lead you in to sinful situations and who tell you they want to see you in those situations if you are feeling short of friends why not see if your church has any groups aimed at your age range? Or volunteer for something in your community where you would meet others

but please dont hang round with them just because your dad says to…if you did and got sucked in to their way of life you will soon be writing threads about how they pressure you into alcohol (and maybe drugs/sex and whatever else they are into) and how you want to stop hanging out with these friends…so please save yourself alot of hassle and stay away from them…

Hi all, hope you are all doing well. I’m not sure if this is in the right place, but I’m asking anyway.

Recently my father and I were having a conversation, and he asked why I didn’t hang out with any of my high school friends anymore. I’m 18 and most of my friends are too. In actuality I only have about 3 really good friends, and I hang out with my cousins like they are my friends. But that leaves a lot of free time. I do miss my high school friends, but I have no desire to hang out with them, mainly because all they want to do is go to parties with alcohol and sex. I mean there have been conversations where they continually tell me how bad they want to see me drunk.

I told my dad about it and he said that I’m probably just too mature for my age, and that they will grow up, but I still don’t know what to do. Will they still like me if I don’t hang out with them until they mature? I feel like I’m cutting myself off from people I used to spend most of day with, and I worry about making new friends in the future or becoming anti social. I mean I’m already shy enough and have a hard time making friends.

So what should I do, should I just kick my old friends to the curb and keep my circle small. And how is the best way to make new friends?

 

[Exiled_Child]

Hi all, hope you are all doing well. I’m not sure if this is in the right place, but I’m asking anyway.

Recently my father and I were having a conversation, and he asked why I didn’t hang out with any of my high school friends anymore. I’m 18 and most of my friends are too. In actuality I only have about 3 really good friends, and I hang out with my cousins like they are my friends. But that leaves a lot of free time. I do miss my high school friends, but I have no desire to hang out with them, mainly because all they want to do is go to parties with alcohol and sex. I mean there have been conversations where they continually tell me how bad they want to see me drunk.

I told my dad about it and he said that I’m probably just too mature for my age, and that they will grow up, but I still don’t know what to do. Will they still like me if I don’t hang out with them until they mature? I feel like I’m cutting myself off from people I used to spend most of day with, and I worry about making new friends in the future or becoming anti social. I mean I’m already shy enough and have a hard time making friends.

So what should I do, should I just kick my old friends to the curb and keep my circle small. And how is the best way to make new friends?

The most honest answer I can give you is: I don’t know. When I was your age I was kind of in your situation, and I tended to make all the wrong choices. One thing I can tell you with certainty is, the word “friend” is invoked altogether too nonchalantly. It’s overused. An actual true friend is a very, very rare thing, and trust me, that is a painful lesson to learn. But you will learn it, at some point. It will sound depressing, but the truth is, a real friend will come around maybe once or twice in your whole life, and that’s if you’re lucky. It doesn’t have to be either/or at your age, though. You’re extremely young, after all. I would say, go out and have fun, enjoy yourself, but bear in mind that your cousins and brothers are your real friends. You guys’ll be tight for life, while you may have painful fallings out with your high school friends. That’s just my experience, by the way.

 

[pianistclare]

Your high school friends came about be cause you were thrown together in school. Think about it with this lens: Now you get to choose ������.

 

[Kelfa28]

Your high school friends came about be cause you were thrown together in school. Think about it with this lens: Now you get to choose ��.

I would agree with you if you went to an exceptionally small school with the same kids for years and years.

I’ve met people who have both very much enjoyed the experience and others who hated it.
That is truly a decision where you are thrown together into a small group of people without choice.

I would disagree with you in a big way if you went to a large school. My public school experience consisted of very, very large classes. The schools were all big. About 400 in my elementary school, 3,000 in my middle school and 1500-2000 kids in my high school.

I met new kids every year in middle school. It was a difficult transition to make going from a smaller elementary school to a very large middle school. We had eleven elementary schools feed into on middle school in our town (yes…I said town and not city). I knew no one that first year but I got used to it and made scores of friends over the next two years. I had so many birthday parties and sleepovers with different groups of friends. I was on the phone talking to different friends every night…so was my sister and we drove our parents nuts.

There were so many kids to meet and get to know. We had different kids in each class so it was easy to meet more and more people.
For me, middle school was so much fun.

It did get old in high school because the same kids took the same advanced placement classes all four years.
That was when I started making new friends at my summer job in a different town.

But school can be one of the best places to make friends.

 

[pensmama87]

It sounds like your dad is concerned about your being alone. I get that.

The best way to make friends is to go out there and do stuff. With your free time you can get involved in volunteer work or social groups for hobbies you have. Even pleasant daily interaction through class or work is very good.

It’s a bad idea to stay shut up in your room a lot of the time. Sometimes is good - to recharge, to read, to pray, etc - but too much will affect you negatively and can invite temptation.

You have a lot to offer. So go out and share it, and learn some more on the way!

 

[dedo]

Hi all, hope you are all doing well. I’m not sure if this is in the right place, but I’m asking anyway.

Recently my father and I were having a conversation, and he asked why I didn’t hang out with any of my high school friends anymore. I’m 18 and most of my friends are too. In actuality I only have about 3 really good friends, and I hang out with my cousins like they are my friends. But that leaves a lot of free time. I do miss my high school friends, but I have no desire to hang out with them, mainly because all they want to do is go to parties with alcohol and sex. I mean there have been conversations where they continually tell me how bad they want to see me drunk.

I told my dad about it and he said that I’m probably just too mature for my age, and that they will grow up, but I still don’t know what to do. Will they still like me if I don’t hang out with them until they mature? I feel like I’m cutting myself off from people I used to spend most of day with, and I worry about making new friends in the future or becoming anti social. I mean I’m already shy enough and have a hard time making friends.

So what should I do, should I just kick my old friends to the curb and keep my circle small. And how is the best way to make new friends?

I agree with the first 4 responders. The alarming thing about what you are telling us about the friends you have been avoiding is that they want “to see you drunk”. Your post is important because it touches on a lot of issues including social support vs peer pressure, and how to chart your own path.

The friends you are concerned about are not content with letting you be you, but want you to conform to their lifestyle as a price for acceptance. That is bad, and should set off all kinds of alarms.

I would look for friends in activities that help you grow in some area that you are interested in such as a club, a sport, or some activity that could lead to growth or opportunity. If you do interact with these people, do it in an area where the issues that concern you are off the table such as a daytime sporting event etc. The last kind of situation you want to be in is to be out with people who intend to drive you home after drinking, and you are pressured to risk your life, just to get home.

I have been and still am friends with people who engage in activities that I do not participate in. We just interact in areas where we have things in common, and accept each other in the other areas without any pressure to conform.

Two nights ago, we had dinner with a gay friend who every year when he comes home to our area to see his mom, also sings in a special Christmas Eve service that we go to every year. His sexual orientation and ours is not something we talk much about. Rather, we talk about common interests including the real estate and entertainment industries that he participates in etc. Also, I think his support for a church service every year for decades that benefits our entire region is fantastic.

There are a few things though to keep in mind regarding any activity that has risk, and most things that are fun have some element of risk. The first is to educate yourself about the activity and that includes alcohol and sex. The second is to place limits on the activity that work for you. Those two elements, education and reasonable constraints, keep risk in check. Third, pause and look at situations before putting yourself in them. Consider reading a book on situational awareness. Surfers study the ocean before paddling out because they don’t want to go into a situation they may not be able to get out of. Lots of situations in life are like that. Otherwise, risk can soar and almost anything where there is no constraint over time, can kill you (or someone else). I am not a tea totaler, but I place constraints on drinking that work for me. My constraints will be different from other people’s. Lastly, your good habits will help control the bad, or potentially bad. Daily time with God will help direct your path and keep you from going too far down the wrong road, just as regular exercise and a good diet makes staying fit much easier.

Areas where constraints should be limited include creative and entrepreneurial activities where you must take chances. However, even in these areas to succeed you need some sort of regimen that makes you put in the time, and control the costs.

Good luck.