Chores in the Home

[speakinlove]

I’d appreciate advice on a topic that causes friction in our home. My husband and I are at odds about how the kids do chores in the home. Of the two of us, I am more organized and goal oriented. Years ago, I made a chore chart for our four kids (ages 10-16), and they each have a morning chore, an evening chore, and several house cleaning chore on Saturday morning. The chore chart has worked for us reasonably well, since each child always knows what’s expected of him/ her.

It seems to me that in the evening, once a child has done his/her chore, that s/he should be free to do other things, since they’ve done their work efficiently. My husband yells at the kids if some of them are lagging behind, and insists that the kids who are done with their chores return to the kitchen, because “no one’s done until the job is done.” This seems to punish the kids who work efficiently and reward the kids who are not doing their chore well. Any thoughts?

 

[gardenswithkids]

You both have a point. Efficient work should be rewarded, and yet…when there’s still work to be done, there’s work to do.

Can big kids pair up with younger children? Younger kids (presumably the less efficient ones) might benefit from someone helping show them efficiency. Instead of doing the chore for them, they can guide them on how to work smarter.

What are the chores that take the longest to do? Can those be “group efforts” while some other chores are individual responsibilities? Can the group effort be done on Saturday mornings or less frequent than the individual chores?

 

[MissRose73]

My sister and I were close in age. Growing up, our parents seldom assigned us chores where we had to work together as my sister & I did not always get along. Worse yet, there would be times I’d have to do my sister’s chore as she did bully me into doing part or all of what she was asked to do. I know we resented doing chores especially in the summer time when most of our neighbor friends in our age range did not have to. Teamwork chores were seldom given out with the exception of raking the lawn where there were clumps of grass in areas after my mother used the riding mower to cut the grass - but we were to be in different areas to avoid fighting.

Teamwork for certain chores is a good idea like for raking the lawn, raking leaves, etc even if kids are of different ages. But if the kids mess around or one kid likes to pick a fight over the work done, a parent needs to step in and make sure the work is getting done even if they have to watch closely.

Looking back, I am glad we had chores with no allowance given. We got extra spending money for doing certain unusual things that rarely needed to be done or for really good grades.

 

[St_Francis]

Can you re-arrange the chore chart so that the chores your husband wants to see done together are done together? That might be a compromise between the two of you and reduce friction between the faster chore-doers and the slower ones.

Additionally, it would probably be extremely helpful to supervise them when they have to work together. At first, this will really slow the process down, you will have to teach them to work together and so have them stop and do things over. Like if one is goofing off and the other says rudely to get back to work and the goofing-off one fights back… then you will have them “practice” doing each thing nicely.

 

[Allegra]

You may want to reconsider which kids are doing which chores at home. However, I think you are right. Kids should not be made to do their siblings chores because they are lagging behind.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’d appreciate advice on a topic that causes friction in our home. My husband and I are at odds about how the kids do chores in the home. Of the two of us, I am more organized and goal oriented. Years ago, I made a chore chart for our four kids (ages 10-16), and they each have a morning chore, an evening chore, and several house cleaning chore on Saturday morning. The chore chart has worked for us reasonably well, since each child always knows what’s expected of him/ her.

It seems to me that in the evening, once a child has done his/her chore, that s/he should be free to do other things, since they’ve done their work efficiently. My husband yells at the kids if some of them are lagging behind, and insists that the kids who are done with their chores return to the kitchen, because “no one’s done until the job is done.” **This seems to punish the kids who work efficiently and reward the kids who are not doing their chore well. **Any thoughts?

Yes, it does exactly that. The kids will learn that if they dawdle long enough, the others will be forced to help them do the chore. Bad lesson in teamwork. Sounds like every team project I ever had the displeasure of being assigned in school. The slackers immediately started screwing around and left the work to those of us who wanted a good grade. They knew they could do NOTHING and we had to work because of our diligence. Group projects are TERRIBLE, it’s communism.

Let the slackers be punished and leave the ones who are diligent to enjoy their free time. Your husband is going to have a mutiny on his hands if he’s not careful.

 

[CroCatholic]

we haven’t crossed that bridge, yet. I think that there’s nothing wrong with helping a sibling finish a chore if they are genuinely struggling to keep pace or if it’s a big job. If they haven’t finished because they’re being lazy or fooling around you’re on your own.

I think that maybe mentioning that it would be really nice if you could help your brother, sister finish their chores because they’re struggling a bit teaches teamwork.

Forcing them to help finish because they’re goofing off creates resentment.

I know I’ll have to be very astute to make sure brother or sister isn’t faking though, lol!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

we haven’t crossed that bridge, yet. I think that there’s nothing wrong with helping a sibling finish a chore if they are genuinely struggling to keep pace or if it’s a big job. If they haven’t finished because they’re being lazy or fooling around you’re on your own.

I think that maybe mentioning that it would be really nice if you could help your brother, sister finish their chores because they’re struggling a bit teaches teamwork.

Forcing them to help finish because they’re goofing off creates resentment.

I know I’ll have to be very astute to make sure brother or sister isn’t faking though, lol!

Really tough problem, because what you see as being helpful to a sibling, the child sees as “Brother is playing Mom like a fiddle, and I take up the slack.”

I think it would be better for the parent to help, rather than the sibling, and then either re-evaluate the chores or put some form of incentive program in place so the balky child gets those chores done. Such as, if everyone does their chores promptly, we can do something fun this afternoon. The ones who don’t, get left behind with a parent to supervise. Yes, it sucks for that parent, but it sends a very strong message, especially if you do something that the balky child LOVES to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

Until my MIL died, we had a three-generation household. Our kids learned that there were “Dad’s rules”, “Mom’s rules”, and “Granny’s rules”. The adults agreed to that and the kids had no trouble navigating it, even when they were very young.

You might try that when Dad is home and being the supervisor, the kids still working are free to say, “Not so fast…Dad’s rules tonight! Get to the kitchen, and let’s see how fast we can get this all done!” When Mom is officer of the day and the kids who aren’t done want help, then the response from those who are finished can be, “It’s Mom’s rules tonight, so I started my chores early. I’m outta here.” or “Mom’s rules tonight and I’ve done mine…what’s it worth to you to get some help?”

This is one time, though, that you and your husband may want to agree to ask the kids what they think. *That does not mean you are taking a vote, only that you are asking for opinions to take into account! *It could be that the ones who take a bit more time resent the ones who race through and finish early because they are willing to do a half-“baked” job. It could also be, however, that they each appreciate it when the job they happened to draw for the day doesn’t take as much time. The nature of that feedback might help you to make your decision, because you’ll see the pros and cons through the eyes of the kids.

At our house, though, I would say that in the end my husband has veto power, although he rarely uses it. It has just worked better that way. (When his mom was alive, we nearly always did things Granny’s way, but that was our gift to her, not something she ever would have insisted on for herself.) I’d say the main thing is to model a good relationship between yourself and your husband, that is that you seek to please each other, whatever you decide to do. The worst offense ought to be trying to play Mom and Dad against each other.

 

[NSFrame]

I tend to agree with you over your husband. For the kids who are lagging, seeing their siblings having free time should be a good motivator for them to get their work done quickly. Otherwise, there is no motivation - may as well slack until the other siblings show up and finish the job for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

I tend to agree with you over your husband. For the kids who are lagging, seeing their siblings having free time should be a good motivator for them to get their work done quickly. Otherwise, there is no motivation - may as well slack until the other siblings show up and finish the job for you.

I would predict that no one will want to start their chores until they see everyone else is at work. There will be a lot of nosing into what everybody else is doing, rather than just minding their own business.

Besides: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I wouldn’t argue to your husband that he’s wrong, but if the present system gets the work done without bickering among the children, if it is any of a number of systems that adults could easily use fairly in a shared household, that is a good reason to keep it.

Still, if that’s the way he wants to run the ship when he’s supervising chores, then let the kids know that when Dad is on the shop floor, they’ll be doing things Dad’s way. If they don’t like it, they can take it up with him. He may decide your way has its merits. I think that if you’re supervising chores, though, it is not unreasonable to do it your own way, especially if the kids all find it fair.

 

[Allegra]

Yes, it does exactly that. The kids will learn that if they dawdle long enough, the others will be forced to help them do the chore. Bad lesson in teamwork. Sounds like every team project I ever had the displeasure of being assigned in school. The slackers immediately started screwing around and left the work to those of us who wanted a good grade. They knew they could do NOTHING and we had to work because of our diligence. Group projects are TERRIBLE, it’s communism.

Let the slackers be punished and leave the ones who are diligent to enjoy their free time. Your husband is going to have a mutiny on his hands if he’s not careful.

I don’t know that I agree that group projects are terrible, as long as the individual members of the group are graded based on what work they did in order to get the job done. A good teacher supervises the work and can determine which students participated and which students rode on the backs of others. Group projects foster leadership skills, planning skills, teamwork, and a chance for individual members to use their own talents to complete a task. Group projects =/= group grade.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t know that I agree that group projects are terrible, as long as the individual members of the group are graded based on what work they did in order to get the job done. A good teacher supervises the work and can determine which students participated and which students rode on the backs of others. Group projects foster leadership skills, planning skills, teamwork, and a chance for individual members to use their own talents to complete a task. Group projects =/= group grade.

Yeah, that’s the theory. The reality is that some will be slackers and will still get a better grade than if they’d had to stand on their own. I have NEVER had a teacher that adequately supervised team or group projects. Never, not once, not in all my years of schooling. It happened especially in college, because the slacking is even more pronounced there. This is not just my experience, ask any dedicated student and you will find the same thing. Group projects are for lazy teachers.

Planning skills = one or two students plan the meetings and several don’t show up. The work gets done because the dedicated students want a good grade.
Teamwork = the dedicated students try to involve the slackers and fail.
Leadership = dealing with slackers and trying to get them to participate.
Individual talents = Yes, the dedicated students can show their talents, do all the work, and have to share the credit and the grade.

I HATE GROUP PROJECTS!

 

[Allegra]

Yeah, that’s the theory. The reality is that some will be slackers and will still get a better grade than if they’d had to stand on their own. I have NEVER had a teacher that adequately supervised team or group projects. Never, not once, not in all my years of schooling. It happened especially in college, because the slacking is even more pronounced there. This is not just my experience, ask any dedicated student and you will find the same thing. Group projects are for lazy teachers.

Planning skills = one or two students plan the meetings and several don’t show up. The work gets done because the dedicated students want a good grade.
Teamwork = the dedicated students try to involve the slackers and fail.
Leadership = dealing with slackers and trying to get them to participate.
Individual talents = Yes, the dedicated students can show their talents, do all the work, and have to share the credit and the grade.

I HATE GROUP PROJECTS!

I was a very dedicated student in college and I was in an area of study where slacking resulted in an immediate change in major or flunking out, so my experience may be different. I teach children and not college students and so group projects tend to be done in the classroom where I can supervise what the students are doing. I also ask for the students informal imput when determining the participation grades of those I suspect aren’t doing their part. When teaching middle school, I required each student to submit a paragraph explaining what their part of the project was, what was the hardest part, what they’re the most proud of, etc. When the students submitted their plan, each student had to have an assignment.

 

[Actaeon]

I’d appreciate advice on a topic that causes friction in our home. My husband and I are at odds about how the kids do chores in the home. Of the two of us, I am more organized and goal oriented. Years ago, I made a chore chart for our four kids (ages 10-16), and they each have a morning chore, an evening chore, and several house cleaning chore on Saturday morning. The chore chart has worked for us reasonably well, since each child always knows what’s expected of him/ her.

It seems to me that in the evening, once a child has done his/her chore, that s/he should be free to do other things, since they’ve done their work efficiently. My husband yells at the kids if some of them are lagging behind, and insists that the kids who are done with their chores return to the kitchen, because “no one’s done until the job is done.” This seems to punish the kids who work efficiently and reward the kids who are not doing their chore well. Any thoughts?

There’s advantages to both: you’re teaching them that if they do their work efficiently, that they are going to get rewarded with relaxation time.

Your husbandd is teaching that sometimes you’re part of a unit, and that unit has an overall job to do… just because you finish YOUR part doesn’t necessarily mean you’re done, or that you get the reward for it.

Now, I assume that you know the advantages of your method, but the advantage of your husband’s is this:

1. School projects (especially at the college level)… if a team member fails their portion, it doesn’t matter how efficiently everyone else finished their work, the team will get a bad grade.
2. Work projects: finishing your work early doesn’t mean you get to kick it and relax… if you’ve finished your work early, you’re still getting paid, and can be assigned to help others who are struggling to meet the deadlines for their tasks.

The bottom line is that life just isn’t fair… sometimes it’s not about efficiency, but time commitment. Sometimes getting your part done doesn’t win you the prize unless you work as a team. Mowing a lawn takes longer than cleaning up after dinner, which takes longer than taking out the trash… some chores are simply longer

BOTH perspectives are important for a child… so perhaps there’s a rational compromise: everyone starts their chores and you observe their level of effort. If one child finishes their chores early while the others all dawdle around and work slowly (thinking that they can get the efficient worker to do most of their job)… then you DON’T make the efficient kid go assist… but in cases where all the kids are working diligently, then yes, you should send back the early finishers to assist with the rest of them.

In other words, don’t reward the lazy for not doing their work, but don’t allow those who got the easier chores for the day to slack off while the others who’ve been working hard continue to struggle with more time consuming tasks.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I was a very dedicated student in college and I was in an area of study where slacking resulted in an immediate change in major or flunking out, so my experience may be different. I teach children and not college students and so group projects tend to be done in the classroom where I can supervise what the students are doing. I also ask for the students informal imput when determining the participation grades of those I suspect aren’t doing their part. When teaching middle school, I required each student to submit a paragraph explaining what their part of the project was, what was the hardest part, what they’re the most proud of, etc. When the students submitted their plan, each student had to have an assignment.

I had the same experience in college. I had a fair number of group projects and never had the slacker issue. But my major was full of a lot of extremely ambitious people with a specific career goal in mind. Group projects benefit college students in a very real way: networking. It gets them familiar with others in their major who may know of job or career opportunities. And you never know when you may run in to them after college.

My fiance was a business major and about 40% of his projects were group. When he was in grad school that number went up to 60%. But as a business major it was vital that he learn to work with others, especially when it came to preparing presentations.

And what is he doing this week at work? Preparing his portion of a company presentation to investors.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was a very dedicated student in college and I was in an area of study where slacking resulted in an immediate change in major or flunking out, so my experience may be different. I teach children and not college students and so group projects tend to be done in the classroom where I can supervise what the students are doing. I also ask for the students informal imput when determining the participation grades of those I suspect aren’t doing their part. When teaching middle school, I required each student to submit a paragraph explaining what their part of the project was, what was the hardest part, what they’re the most proud of, etc. When the students submitted their plan, each student had to have an assignment.

I have also found that working at chores with your siblings and working in a group on school projects for which you will get a grade are two very different things. I say this from the vantage point of having twins in the same class at school, so I’ve run the experiment.

In practice, though, a blend of the two parenting strategies probably has its place. There are times when there is a group project that the group needs to push through until it is done, and there are times when it is good to teach a kid to take personal responsibility for a job personally assigned to him. Each teaches something worthwhile, and so it is probably worthwhile to use both systems…at the pleasure of the parents, not so that the kids feel entitled to expect one or the other. Flexibility is a good working attitude, too!

 

[Allegra]

I have also found that working at chores with your siblings and working in a group on school projects for which you will get a grade are two very different things. I say this from the vantage point of having twins in the same class at school, so I’ve run the experiment.

In practice, though, a blend of the two parenting strategies probably has its place. There are times when there is a group project that the group needs to push through until it is done, and there are times when it is good to teach a kid to take personal responsibility for a job personally assigned to him. Each teaches something worthwhile, and so it is probably worthwhile to use both systems…at the pleasure of the parents, not so that the kids feel entitled to expect one or the other. Flexibility is a good working attitude, too!

I agree. Unless the chore in question is inherantly a multiple person job, (ie. painting the livingroom, hanging pictures) there is no reason for it to be a “group activitiy”. A good teacher and a good parent both know what sort of assignments are best done as a team and what assignments are best done as an individual. For example, writing a paper is not a group assignment. Assigning such a task to a group will result in one kid doing it and the rest talking about their weekend. Similarly, running a vacumn sweeper is not a team effort. Frankly, I can think of very few household tasks that require more than one person to do them, so the OP’s problem might be solved as easily as changing the mode of delegation. Instead of, “Kid’s, clean the kitchen,” say, “Annie, do the dishes, Jr. mop the floor, Baby Sophie, wipe down the counters and table.”

 

[speakinlove]

Thanks so much for your very thoughtful comments. The way things are now, each child ia assigned to a specific task - for example: one child clears the table, puts away leftovers and washes the table; another loads the dishewasher; another takes out the trash and washes counters; and the other child set the table (and often helped w/ the meal ) and is free after dinner. We have a circular chart, so each child does each job for a week, once a month.

One of the goals we have about chores is helping the kids to develop follow-through and taking satisfaction in a job well done, but the after-dinner time almost always turns into a time of great frustration and hurt feelings. I hoped that in being so specific about what was expected, that they would know what needed to do, do the work, and move on. Our olders three children are 13, 14, and 16 - it doesn’t seem that much to me. We’d hoped my husband and I could catch up on our day after dinner while the kids clean-up, but it rarely works out that way. Then he looses his temper and calls the kids back in the kitchen who are done with their chores, and insists that “no one’s done until the job is done.” He’s a wonderful husband and father, but this is extremely frustrating.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I was a very dedicated student in college and I was in an area of study where slacking resulted in an immediate change in major or flunking out, so my experience may be different. I teach children and not college students and so group projects tend to be done in the classroom where I can supervise what the students are doing. I also ask for the students informal imput when determining the participation grades of those I suspect aren’t doing their part. When teaching middle school, I required each student to submit a paragraph explaining what their part of the project was, what was the hardest part, what they’re the most proud of, etc. When the students submitted their plan, each student had to have an assignment.

I won’t continue to derail the thread, but I only wish I or either of my sons had such a conscientious teacher as you! They have had the same experience I did - the teacher assigns the project, the diligent students do most of the work, the teacher gives everyone in the group the same grade. This only causes resentment and burnout by the more dedicated students. I have never had a teacher ask every student for what their part of the project was. Neither have my sons. I don’t think our experience is rare, I am sorry to say. I think your experience is the exception.



Another way this happens is when teachers punish the entire class for the misbehavior of one or two…Such as keeping a class from outdoor activity because one student is acting up. Again, you are punishing innocent people - what does that teach a kid? That there is no justice so he or she may as well cut up too? Collective justice?