Christ, the dead man of my heart

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Judas_Daily

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Hi,

I’ve just returned from Mass at my local parish. This is the second time I’ve been to Mass in a while. I quit attending Mass and confession sometime this past October due to varying circumstances, which is sad considering I just joined the Church this past Easter. One of the reasons I fell away from the Church was because I had slowly but surely become a zealot in my new faith, tending to isolate and alienate myself internally and externally, which, in effect, caused me to view God as a wrathful, vengeful God of justice and mercy, and not the God of Love which we hear about. The God of Love no longer made sense to me.

After awhile, I let my sins take control over me. I no longer had any will power left in me to fight against the temptations which surrounded me daily. I slowly dissolved and wasted away into intense pride, self-satisfaction, and carnal pleasures. I had been going to confession to make frequent confession of these sins, but after a while I realized that going to confession when I had no intention of quitting was dishonest…and making a mockery of both myself and the priest. Without confession I couldn’t participate in communion, and the alienation I felt because I could not control myself eventually caused me to walk away from the Church.

During the interim, I expressed some interest in converting to Islam, but I never could take that step. Doing such felt wrong, primarily because I had no intention of living by the codes of conduct which Islam asked of the human person. Plus, I don’t believe in the dogmas of Islam. It was evident by this point that no religion could calm my troubled soul; that I still had every intention of living according to certain principles which I felt were just, merciful, and pragmatic. I promised myself that I would not live amorally, but that certain things which the religions pronounced as forbidden might not actually be forbidden - that actuality did not measure up to the dogmas pronounced from the pulpit.

It’s hard for me to explain why I’ve decided to start attending Mass again. I recently finished reading THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST which instilled new hope in me, which helped me to understand the vitality of the Gospel, and why Jesus continues to matter 2000 years later. But I think it was a dream I had a couple of weekends ago which promulgated me to attend Mass again.

In the dream, I was visiting the local mosque. It was obviously the mosque due to the bareness of the interior. There were no fonts, no statues, not much of anything except the striped green carpet and the tapestry on the wall which reads “Allah” in Arabic. There were people sitting on the carpet waiting for the khutbah (sermon). When the imam finally prepared himself, instead of delivering a lengthy, fire and brimstone-esque sermon, he set out a basket of wafers - communion wafers to be exact - and asked everyone to participate, to help themselves, and to partake of the communal bread. There were no special formulas recited over the bread, like at a Catholic Mass, instead the wafers remained bread - and without any hesitation, everyone got up and grabbed the bread, greedily nibbling in spiritul exultation.

This was my dream. Nothing prophetic about it, nothing life-changing, nothing extraordinary - except that it prompted me to attend Mass instead of going to see CHARLIE WILSON’S WAR at the theater.

For whatever reason, I did attend Mass, and I thoroughly disliked it. I was relatively miserable throughout the entire ordeal, except during communion when the deacon, who troubled himself back in the day to memorize my name, smiled graciously at me in recognition. make it worse, some elderly gentleman sitting next to me passed out, and an ambulance was called. I effectively did nothing to help him. What could I do? There were enough people keeping him alive and conscious. As much as I hated Mass, it was a real pleasure seeing old, familiar faces. I sort of decided right then that I would continue attending Mass not for anything I believe or disbelieve, but because there are people there who I know and who recognize me. Maybe even care for me, though I don’t think so. I would attend Mass, therefore, for social, prideful reasons.

…continued…
 
I’m not going through a desert of faith. I simply have no faith. I have no desire to pray precisely because I don’t think God is listening. I’m not even sure I completely believe in God anymore, though I’d like to - if for no other reason than to have hope. I used to be on top of my game, used to be a great apologist for the Church, and was very devout as a new Catholic…but now I feel as if I know nothing precisely because I believe in nothing. The faith ceased to make sense to me long before I quit attending Mass, otherwise why else would it have been so easy to walk away?

I went to confession in order to talk to the priest about what I was feeling, and all he could say was that I was doing okay, that we all go through these periods, especially new Catholics. I received a penance which I still haven’t performed…because I don’t know why I should? What difference will it matter if I don’t? I don’t have enough faith to perform the penance.

I’m sad. I’m confused. I don’t have faith enough to pray, and I sure as heck don’t intend on praying to Mary or any of the saints. What a joke. At the same time, I can’t help but feel like God is strangling me with the Church, provoking me into going regardless of my lack of faith. I don’t participate in Mass except for the sacreilge of accepting communion. Lent is approaching, which I’m kind of excited about. I don’t know why, except that I had a good time during Lent last year when I was being integrated into the Church.

I don’t know what more to say. Pray for me, I guess, because I can’t do it for myself.
 
Judas:

Welcome to the forum.
The fact you come to the spirituality forum tells me you still care.

God cares about you all the time even you don’t think so.
I don’t know what is going on in your life. Instead of talking to a priest during confession, why don’t you make an appointment with the priest and seek his help?

I don’t want to lecture anything that you’ve already known, I will pray for you.

God bless!
 
Sounds like a demonic attack to me. You don’t seem to desire to fight it, but something inside of you is begging you to resist. You may will yourself to hell, but your sould is protesting. It knows better, I would pay attention if I were you. If you ask for them, God will give you the graces to resist the temptations. Go tell a good, holy priest about it.
 
Are you suffering depression? It sounds like it. You should talk to your doctor. If you have depression this would be a normal way to be.
Don’t worry if there seems no point and everything seems useless. Just pray and if you can’t pray offer up your suffering. Persevere and get a doctors opinion. I’ll pray for you too.
 
A couple of things -
There is a tone to your post that makes me think you may have a manic-depressive issue. I am no doctor, but your statement that you were a “zealot” and now are not sure God exists seems to indicate a possible problem here.

As for praying. Given your circumstance I would say - don’t pray. At least not in a “formal sense”. I would suggest simply talking to God. Lay it out to Him - All the troubles, the doubts, the issues. Just let it pour and don’t look for answers, or try to apologize or anything. God will respond when He knows you are ready.

I have a small ejaculation I use in times such as this:
Father, I am a poor and inconstant servant filled with doubts. I feel unworthy to ask your favor but look to your mercy and love as a child seeks his parent’s arms.

The important thing is to continue to believe, even in your doubts. To rest in His love and know that everything He does is out of love for His children.

I pray for you to have peace in the arms of God. To be consoled, not in knowledge of the mind, but in the peace of the heart. To be protected from the snares of our enemy and to be bathed in the warm love of our Loving Father.

May God keep you and console you.

James
 
Judas Daily

please forgive me if I’m wrong, but it looks as though you’re searching for religion, rather than faith.

There is a difference, and religion without faith will be dry and full of nonsense, even if you try to rationalize it.

First off, faith is a gift from God. It the revelation of Himself to us, however that may happen.

Religion, is our response to faith, once we receive it.

Many, look for faith, but instead of going to the source of faith, Jesus Christ, go to religion first. They begin to learn the various elements of the religion they decided to try out, and sometimes, become zealots for that particular religion. Not because its faith based, but rather, because they don’t want to be wrong, so they attempt to prove everyone else who doesn’t follow this religion, as being wrong. People on diets behave in a similar fashion.

In my experience, its best for such people to back out of religion for a time. Go to the source of faith, Jesus Christ. Allow Him, to come into your life, totally. This means, dying to self, in that, all your preconceived ideas and ambitions, must be let got of. Until you empty yourself, Christ will not be able to take the place of the things you place before Him.

The first step to faith of course is prayer. Go to a quiet place, where you can be alone, without distraction. Take a Bible with you, if you want, but the focus is turning your entire will to Christ. Close your eyes and sit quietly for a few minutes. Then, with your will, turn to Christ, and ask Him, to come into your life. Don’t look or expect anything to happen. Don’t work aggressively at it. Just allow Christ to work in you, the way He wills, not you way. Sit for as long as you need. Then, finish with an Our Father and if you wish, just read a piece of Scripture, whatever verse you happen to turn to. Don’t attempt to analyze what is happening, or whether your succeeding or not. These are human ambitions which you need to detach from. Let Christ work in your life, as He wills.

After you’re done, just go onto your regular routine. Wait and see what happens.

If you feel the call to go to Church, go. If not, don’t worry about it. Just wait on the Lord. Repeat this routine, again the next day.

In all, place all of your trust in Jesus Christ. Let Him, bring you faith. Don’t try to force it yourself.

Jim
 
I like the idea that I should take it slow, wait on God, and see what happens.

I used to be very faithful to God, so I thought, but after becoming a zealot, as I’ve already mentioned, I began to doubt in myself, in what I was doing, etc. All I saw was sin in myself, and I couldn’t fathom why God would possibly love me. I’ve stated much of this already, but it’s very important to why I walked away from the Church and God for nearly 4 months.

I’ve picked up my Bible and am reading St. Paul’s letter to the Romans. I don’t feel up to the task of reading the Gospels just yet. It’s proving to be effective, though.

Maybe I’ll go to Adoration sometime this week in order to secure that private, quiet time to just reflect. Prayer doesn’t seem possible right now, not formal prayer - and I find I am far too distracted pretty much all the time with thoughts about religion, social issues, and everything else in my life.
 
Dear Judas Daily,

While this is formally called a reading, I have prayed it for you.

From today’s Liturgy of the Hours:

Reading

A letter of Pope St Clement I to the Corinthians

All wisdom comes from the Word of God on high

We shall pray without ceasing to the Creator of all things, and beg him to preserve the number of his elect throughout the whole world, through his beloved son Jesus Christ, and not let a single one of them fall away.

Through him you called us from darkness into light and gave us the knowledge of the glory of your name. He taught us to hope in you, from whom all creation has its being. He opened our eyes so that we would recognise you, most high among the highest, holy and surrounded by holiness. You put an end to the pride of the arrogant, you frustrate the plans of the gentiles, you raise up the lowly and bring down those who are exalted. You give riches and give poverty, you dispense both death and life. You succour every spirit, you are the God of all flesh. You behold what is hidden in the depths, you see all that men do. You give help to those in peril and rescue to those without hope. You create all that has breath and watch over it; you multiply the peoples of the earth, and from among them you choose those who love you through Jesus Christ your beloved Son, through whom you give us wisdom, holiness, and honour.

We beg you, Lord, to be our help and our support. Free us from our troubles; take pity on the lowly; raise up those who have fallen; give help to the poor, health to the sick, and bring home those who have wandered away. Feed the hungry, ransom captives, give strength to the weak and courage to the faint-hearted. Let all peoples come to know that you alone are God, that Jesus Christ is your son, and that we are your people and the sheep of your flock.

For by your acts you made visible the everlasting structure of the Universe and set the Earth on its foundations. For all generations you have been faithful and just in your judgements, and wonderful in your power and majesty. Wisely you have created, and wisely you have kept things in being. All that we see shows your goodness; to all who trust in you, you are faithful, kind, and merciful. Forgive us our wickednesses and injustices, our sins and our transgressions.

Do not weigh down your servants with the burden of their sins, but purify us and direct the paths we take so that we go forward in purity and innocence of heart, so that all that we do is good and acceptable to you and to those who lead us.

Come, Lord, let your face shine upon us so that we may peacefully enjoy all good things. May your powerful hand be a roof over our heads and may your strength preserve us from all wrongdoing. Free us, Lord, from those who hate us without cause. Give peace and harmony to us and to all the inhabitants of the Earth, as you gave them to our fathers who called on you with trust and faith.

You alone can give us these gifts and confer these favours on us. We put our trust in you through Jesus Christ, our high priest, the guardian of our souls. Through him be glory and majesty to you now and through all generations until the end of time. Amen.
Above reading taken from the following website:

universalis.com/-500/readings.htm

~~ the phoenix
 
Pardon me for presuming to make a diagnosis, but… it sounds like you were feeling so depressed about your sins that you lost faith in God’s grace. You didn’t think God’s grace was enough to cleanse you of your sins, or help you when your own efforts weren’t enough.

It’s a nasty vicious circle: to simultaneously believe that God is a God of power but not good intent, and to believe that you are supposed to have godlike power over yourself. A lot of times, this leads to what’s technically called “scruples” – being convinced that whatever you do isn’t good enough.

I want you to remember the parable Jesus told about the two brothers. One said he’d do his dad’s will, but then didn’t do a thing. The other said he wouldn’t, but then did the job after all.

You may be grumbling about going to Mass and telling God that you’re only doing it to be social – but you’re going. You’re trying to do God’s will.

For the same reason, you shouldn’t have given up going to Confession; you should have talked to a priest about whatever sin you keep doing. Priests are good at making you realize what you’re really doing.
 
GOD IS LOVE, GOD IS LIGHT, GOD IS EVERLASTING!!!

🙂 😃

Most important of all, God is LOVE & MERCY itself!!!
MERCY IS GOD’S GREATEST ATTRIBUTE ! - OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!
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I’ve always wanted to know, how long can periods of spiritual dryness last? I know that it can last intensely long, just looking at Mother Teresa. But can it last as short as a single day or even one moment?
 
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