Christmas and Cancer

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healmyheart

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My husband has been diagnosed with cancer. As sad as it is right now we are both just relieved to have answers. But, because he’s so sick right now and treatment is likely to make him even more sick in the short run we will not be traveling to see our families this Christmas. This will be our first Christmas just the two of us. To be honest I’m glad that after all of this stress and heartache I will get to spend the holiday quietly and privately with just him. I don’t feel much up to socialization myself.

I really want to make this holiday special for him, and for us. Its my favorite season, so if I don’t get in to it he’ll feel guilty that his sickness took something away from me. But at the same time I don’t want it to be a forced celebration, and to be completely honest I’m pretty exhausted myself. Right now I’m thinking of making a big dinner with all of our favorite holiday foods and curling up with a few good Christmas movies.

I know the rules, and I’ve done my best to follow them. I know that no matter how scared or unsure I am, that in front of him everything will be ok. I know that if I need to break down I have to call me brother and cry to him. I know that it would be selfish to make my sick husband comfort me, and that I have to be strong for him.

But I’m at a loss at how to really make this Christmas special without completely draining myself, putting on some forced, over-the-top production, or worse, making him think that we or I am missing out. He already feels very bad that we had to cancel our travel plans.

Any help would be appreciated.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this sad time. I think you have the right idea about spending a quite Christmas with a nice dinner and some entertainment for the two of you. Possibly, if your husband is up to it, you can invite over one or two friends or family members. Instruct them that you wish for them to stay only a little while. I am a caregiver to my dad who has Alzheimer’s and he can no longer do long family gatherings either. He gets very tired and overwhelmed if we are out too long. So I tailor the visiting to whatever he is up for.

Wishing you peace and prayers during this Blessed season…
 
You are in my prayers. It is a difficult thing. I have a family member who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer just this past week. Life can be hard.

I am a firm believer that Christmas does not need to be a full-scale, massive production in order to be special. There’s nothing wrong with limiting yourself to a few of the more low-key traditions you might have. Good food and time together – you can’t really beat that.

Would whoever you had been planning to travel to meet be willing to travel to you? That might be something to consider (provided their coming wouldn’t be too chaotic). I don’t know if by “travel” you mean “a 30 minute drive for an evening with relatives” or “a 2 day, 20 hour road trip followed by a week long visit”. Having guests at your house for a week might be a bit much.

I will pray for you and your husband.
 
Thanks for the responses! I was starting to think that I just wasn’t controversial enough to get answers.😉

The travel involved to see either of our families is easily a day trip. 9 hours for my family, 7 for his. (And it opposite directions.) I’m sure that after the holiday a few members of his immediate family will come down, and so will mine. But we live in a small apartment and we’re young, so we don’t have the space to host anyone anyway.
 
healmyheart said:
Right now I’m thinking of making a big dinner with all of our favorite holiday foods and curling up with a few good Christmas movies.
Click to expand...
You know, I think this is a beautiful idea. Keep it simple and throw out all your previous “requirements” of how you normally would celebrate. They simply don’t exist this year and that’s OKAY. All of this talk of dealing with sad feelings over what Christmas “could have been” - that’s nonsense. “Staying strong” means being excited to celebrate however you are able to. Make a plan and get excited over it… even if it seems simple.

On a practical note… I highly recommend comedies. There are some fabulous Christmas movies that will have you peeling over with laughter. Laugh together. Enjoy this opportunity to just SIT and have something to laugh about.
Some of our, personal, Christmas movie favorites:
Elf
Scrooged
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Home Alone

I understand how hard it must be - we’ve been dealing with my father’s failing health this year with leukemia - the chemo treatments and isolation from germs, and low strength, etc… it’s definitely difficult to watch and must be even more challenging as the spouse.
Prayers for your family and your husband’s health.
God bless you…
 
We are dealing with a little bit of health issues in our family as well and were considering cancelling our travel plans. Even if we don’t cancel, we are planning on having as peaceful a Christmas without too much activity. I am sorry to hear about your husband’s illness and I pray for a smooth recovery.

Celebrating Christmas is not dependent on what is surrounding us at the moment. We are celebrating the birth of Jesus and a peaceful contemplative environment can very well be a wonderful way to reflect on this gift to the world. Each year we will have different circumstances and can celebrate Christmas in different ways. I don’t know if you have a Christmas tree up, but if I were to stay at home this year I would make sure I had some easy to put up decorations in my home (including a tree, even if it is just a small one), just to be more festive about the season, and enjoy my time with my family (you and your husband are your family, you can enjoy this peaceful time together). You aren’t missing out on anything, don’t worry about what Christmas should or shouldn’t be. The only thing we need to worry about is having our hearts and souls ready to receive Jesus and to celebrate the gift of Jesus coming to the world. Everything else is circumstantial and unnecessary :). You can celebrate this beautiful day any way you want, and to me your plan sounds like a wonderful one!
 
healmyheart,

It is so hard for us to express how much we are moved by your post. I wish there was a way that we could actually, physically help you right now. But know that we will be offering our prayers for your husband as well as for you. May you be strong when you have to be, and when you cannot be, I hope that you will lay all of your worries and concerns at the feet of Our dear Lord, Jesus Christ. Do not be burdened with trying to have a Christmas that the world says you should have. Focus only on spending time with your husband quietly and peacefully. Do only what you feel comfortable and necessary. And please, come visit us here, whenever you need an listening ear or a word of encouragement. :hug1:

St. Peregrine, intercede on behalf of this husband and bring him healing and comfort.:signofcross:
 
Healmyheart, I’ve read both of your threads. First, I want to send out my heart to you and your husband. :grouphug:

I don’t have any credentials to give you advice, but I will anyway. 😉 It’s completely understandable that you don’t want to burden your husband and bring him down. But at the same time, you can share your concerns, worries, anxieties with him. He might be holding back because he doesn’t want to burden you with his worries. Sometimes when you open up, it might give him unspoken permission to open up as well.

The best you can do for Christmas is to have a sincere discussion and decide between the two of you what you want/can do. I hope you keep coming back and letting us know how things are going.
 
Em_in_FL said:
You know, I think this is a beautiful idea. Keep it simple and throw out all your previous “requirements” of how you normally would celebrate. They simply don’t exist this year and that’s OKAY. All of this talk of dealing with sad feelings over what Christmas “could have been” - that’s nonsense. “Staying strong” means being excited to celebrate however you are able to. Make a plan and get excited over it… even if it seems simple.

On a practical note… I highly recommend comedies. There are some fabulous Christmas movies that will have you peeling over with laughter. Laugh together. Enjoy this opportunity to just SIT and have something to laugh about.
Some of our, personal, Christmas movie favorites:
Elf
Scrooged
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Home Alone
Click to expand...
Excellent advice. My mother passed away in September, and this is a difficult time for us. I’m choosing not to feel guilty about having a low key Christmas. A lot of things will be different this year, and maybe next year it’ll get back closer to normal. But for now, it is what it is, and I’m not going to pretend it’s not.

I think, too, you’ll find that as the years pass, how you celebrate Christmas and other holidays will change, especially as families grow, as people move away, as illness intervenes, and as loved ones die. And that’s OK. The moment is what it is. These are the things that make every holiday its own special event.

Years from now you’ll look back at this Christmas and say “Do you remember how we celebrated Christmas the year we found out you had cancer? That was hard, but I never felt so close to you as I did then.”

And of course, my obligatory contribution to the list of Christmas movies to watch: A Christmas Story.

With my prayers for a joyful Christmas spent close to the Lord!
 
Praying for you and hoping that you will find something that you both enjoy to do together. God bless your husband with a complete healing. Merry Christmas.
 
Praying for you and your husband! Please talk to him as I am sure he has a lot of the same feelings. My aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer before Thanksgiving last year and seeing her at Christmas was tough. She was so weak and had not even started treatment yet. It was tough to stay upbeat so I just spent time with her. Despite it being difficult, it was the best thing to do since she passed away 3 months later.

:console:
 
Thinking of you and your husband, and remembering you in my prayers.

St. Peregrine, intercede on behalf of this husband and bring him healing and comfort.:signofcross:
 
Thinking of you and your husband, and remembering you in my prayers.

St. Peregrine, intercede on behalf of this husband and bring him healing and comfort.:signofcross:
 
I really hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me like you are going to have a really romantic Christmass. Making your hubby’s favourite foods and watching movies just the two of you ! Wow, sounds like fun to me. It actually sounds like the real meaning of Christmass. Living out your vows for better or worse, you too have each other and that is great !
 
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