Christmas Day

[Chocolate_Sally]

My family is fully secularized in American society and I am a practicing Catholic. I’m looking for a sounding board.

We have family traditions on Christmas Day. I go to my mother’s house to spend the day with the family. That means opening presents, going out to eat at a Chinese buffet, bowling and then a movie. My problem with this is I wonder if I’m keeping Christmas holy. I do go to vigil Mass on Christmas Eve to fulfill my obligation. But eating out and going places like the movies isn’t something I like to do on Sundays, much less Christmas.

I’ve tried to avert this situation before. Last year I cooked breakfast to avoid eating out, and it was a disaster. It caused a lot of fighting between me and my siblings. Yet I think spending the time with my family triumphs all. That’s what people want on Christmas day. I just cannot show up and refuse to participate. That would be so disrespectful to my mother who’s looking forward to this day.

So, what do you think? What’s the best way to keep Christmas Day a day a Holy Day. I don’t want my activities to cause other people to work on a day that’s meant for family.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

My family is fully secularized in American society and I am a practicing Catholic. I’m looking for a sounding board.

We have family traditions on Christmas Day. I go to my mother’s house to spend the day with the family. That means opening presents, going out to eat at a Chinese buffet, bowling and then a movie. My problem with this is I wonder if I’m keeping Christmas holy. I do go to vigil Mass on Christmas Eve to fulfill my obligation. But eating out and going places like the movies isn’t something I like to do on Sundays, much less Christmas.

I’ve tried to avert this situation before. Last year I cooked breakfast to avoid eating out, and it was a disaster. It caused a lot of fighting between me and my siblings. Yet I think spending the time with my family triumphs all. That’s what people want on Christmas day. I just cannot show up and refuse to participate. That would be so disrespectful to my mother who’s looking forward to this day.

So, what do you think? What’s the best way to keep Christmas Day a day a Holy Day. I don’t want my activities to cause other people to work on a day that’s meant for family.

You know, I have very much the same problem with my family. After my brothers and I were all pretty much grown up, my family–myself included–pretty much stopped being Catholic. We had subscribed to the notion that the Sacraments were somewhat of a “checklist” and that once we had all gotten through Communion and Confirmation, we were “done.” Long story short, I came back the Church about a year ago and the rest of my family did not. My mother, in fact, now speaks of a desire to become a Unitarian Universalist like her sister, my oldest brother and his wife are agnostic, my other brother is an atheist, and my father (who doesn’t go to Mass or really seem to have any kind of spiritual life at all) says things like, “I will always be a member of the Catholic faith, even if I don’t agree with the Catholic Church.”

In any case, you’re right, Christmas and Easter can be problematic. One of the things that I suppose helps my scenario is that my whole family is quite headstrong and unapologetic about who we each are, again, myself included. So I have, in a non-confrontational manner, made it clear to my family that God and Church are serious priorities of mine. I volunteer with the youth ministry at my parish, I’m a committed Eucharistic Adorer at a local Franciscan friary, I sing in the choir at my parish, I go to Confession once a week, and Mass several times a week. Sometimes, these committments have conflicted with family activities, and, just like any other invitation extended to me that I won’t be able to accept, I say, “I’m sorry, I can’t go; I have xyz committment already at Church.” I have made it incredibly clear what my priorities are.

Also, my mother was adament that we weren’t going to put up a Christmas tree this year. That was an absolute non-starter with me. The tree is currently up.

If you aren’t comfortable with what your families expectations of you are, you need to speak up and tell them so. I realize that this may come off sounding a bit militant, but I don’t really mean it so, but, when we compromise our faith for the sake of someone else’s comfort or an allegiance to a family tradtion or to not “rock the boat,” we’ve done just that: compromised our faith.

Now, by no means am I advocating that you burn bridges with your family. But you still ought to have a conversation with them to tell them how you feel. It is, after all, the charitable and respectful thing to do. Even if they aren’t religious people, they still deserve respect and charity. Perhaps you may only join them for a half day of festivities, and spend the other part of the day in prayer or doing some kind of charitable work. Now, if they meet your requests to alter family tradtion in order to help you observe a Holy Day with contempt or by brushing you off or by implying that you’re trying to make it all about you, they aren’t reciprocating that respect.

Again, long story short, spend some time in prayer about this, and then talk to your mother and tell her how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

I think you are a good case for how traditional religious obligations can actually be more harmful to the cause of that religion. Why? Because when you are so preoccupied with incorporating more church-related activities in your life, you are no more different than the workaholic trying to punch in more hours at his/her job than with family.

My situation is the latter. Both my parents are juggling between a small business while working as financial managers on the side. Last October officially marked my first year working as a copywriter. Now my younger brother is trying to make his own entry into the work force as a programmer. Yet while all this business is making us busy, we’re still trying to make sure we get to spend this year’s Christmas as a family, no matter what it is we end up doing. Of course, we would go to mass but I don’t see why I should start looking for the next religious thing to do.

See if you wish to fight for something here, fight for what your mother wants. I’m currently doing my part to make sure the same goes through for my folks. You want to be together as a family on Christmas and I can’t think of anything, not even some form of religious devotion, that really embodies what makes such a day holy.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

I think you are a good case for how traditional religious obligations can actually be more harmful to the cause of that religion. Why? Because when you are so preoccupied with incorporating more church-related activities in your life, you are no more different than the workaholic trying to punch in more hours at his/her job than with family.

My situation is the latter. Both my parents are juggling between a small business while working as financial managers on the side. Last October officially marked my first year working as a copywriter. Now my younger brother is trying to make his own entry into the work force as a programmer. Yet while all this business is making us busy, we’re still trying to make sure we get to spend this year’s Christmas as a family, no matter what it is we end up doing. Of course, we would go to mass but I don’t see why I should start looking for the next religious thing to do.

See if you wish to fight for something here, fight for what your mother wants. I’m currently doing my part to make sure the same goes through for my folks. You want to be together as a family on Christmas and I can’t think of anything, not even some form of religious devotion, that really embodies what makes such a day holy.

Neither Sally nor I said anything about wanting to “punch more hours in.” Sally came here saying that what she is struggling with is the feeling that the activities that are traditional in her family put her ill at ease when it comes to properly worshiping God. Which is exactly why I suggested opening an honest line of communication with her family.

Your comments about “looking for the next religious thing to do” also give me some pause. It seems as though you’re implying that religious activities outside our obligations are superfluous, or even ego-massaging. Did I misunderstand you?

Truly, though, what makes “such a day” to use your language (although any day, really) holy is not whether or not we perform certain family activities, it is whether or not we are making an effort to allign our every thought, feeling, and action towards communion with God.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

My family is fully secularized in American society and I am a practicing Catholic. I’m looking for a sounding board.

We have family traditions on Christmas Day. I go to my mother’s house to spend the day with the family. That means opening presents, going out to eat at a Chinese buffet, bowling and then a movie. My problem with this is I wonder if I’m keeping Christmas holy. I do go to vigil Mass on Christmas Eve to fulfill my obligation. But eating out and going places like the movies isn’t something I like to do on Sundays, much less Christmas.

I’ve tried to avert this situation before. Last year I cooked breakfast to avoid eating out, and it was a disaster. It caused a lot of fighting between me and my siblings. Yet I think spending the time with my family triumphs all. That’s what people want on Christmas day. I just cannot show up and refuse to participate. That would be so disrespectful to my mother who’s looking forward to this day.

So, what do you think? What’s the best way to keep Christmas Day a day a Holy Day. I don’t want my activities to cause other people to work on a day that’s meant for family.

Part of keeping a day holy is by being with the people you love and loving them.

Christmas day is for observing the Birth of Christ, but also about family, who are a gift from God.

Give thanks to God by being with your family and friends on Christmas Day.

Jim

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Yet I think spending the time with my family triumphs all. That’s what people want on Christmas day. I just cannot show up and refuse to participate. That would be so disrespectful to my mother who’s looking forward to this day.

Precisely.

I’d go with that. I don’t know of specific requirements for holy days other than going to Mass.

Alan

 

[fred_conty]

Aquila,

I certainly admire the religious duties and responsibilities you have generously taken on. The welfare of others depends on volunteers helping others in church activities. Keep it up you are much needed. And I don’t feel it is too much to ask your family to be understanding about this.

I know some years in our family, we have celebrated with certain members on the eve, or the Sunday before just because of circumstances coming up that year. And because of other obligations to other relatives, our whole family cannot sometimes get together. In fact more often than not, people come in and out of our house at different times.

Just some thoughts, and wishing you a holy Christmas.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Your comments about “looking for the next religious thing to do” also give me some pause. It seems as though you’re implying that religious activities outside our obligations are superfluous, or even ego-massaging. Did I misunderstand you?

You saying they can’t? Are you saying that Jesus was wrong to chastise those who paraded their piety?

Truly, though, what makes “such a day” to use your language (although any day, really) holy is not whether or not we perform certain family activities, it is whether or not we are making an effort to allign our every thought, feeling, and action towards communion with God.

Sometimes the act of buying a box of Krispy Kreme donuts for your family is more aligned towards communion with God than cooping yourself up in the adoration chapel.

 

[Domiy]

You know, I have very much the same problem with my family. After my brothers and I were all pretty much grown up, my family–myself included–pretty much stopped being Catholic. We had subscribed to the notion that the Sacraments were somewhat of a “checklist” and that once we had all gotten through Communion and Confirmation, we were “done.” Long story short, I came back the Church about a year ago and the rest of my family did not. My mother, in fact, now speaks of a desire to become a Unitarian Universalist like her sister, my oldest brother and his wife are agnostic, my other brother is an atheist, and my father (who doesn’t go to Mass or really seem to have any kind of spiritual life at all) says things like, “I will always be a member of the Catholic faith, even if I don’t agree with the Catholic Church.”

Man, that’s tough. I admire you for staying with the faith in spite of all that, you should do your best to bring the rest of them back as well

Unfortunately I can’t relate to the problem the TC is having. My family are all devout Catholics, everyone (some more than others, but everyone still on at least a basic level practicing the faith). Spending Christmas together is a no-hassle for us. The hardest part is finding time for everyone since the family is so big.

I can see how painful it would be to have the whole family push you away from your Catholic duties. As already said, you should make every effort to tell them (preferably before the day) that your priorities are in the Church, and they should accept that. There’s nothing wrong with going out to eat and have a few activities, I just think it’s socially a bit weird seeing as most people spend the day at home (that, and most places are closed on Christmas anyway). If anything, you should try encourage them to do just that; spending time at home gives you a greater chance of admiring eachother and really catching up as a family. But sadly the majority will have the say here; you shouldn’t avoid them just because they’re doing something contrary to what you wanted (as long as what they’re doing doesn’t go against the Catholic faith, of course).

 

[Chocolate_Sally]

If you aren’t comfortable with what your families expectations of you are, you need to speak up and tell them so.
(…)
Again, long story short, spend some time in prayer about this, and then talk to your mother and tell her how you feel. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks, I think I need to take baby steps on this one. I may invite my brother to midnight Mass and ask him he’d like to go with me. And I’ll ask mother if we can put a plate together for my elderly neighbor. She has no family and is home bound. As for the movie, I’ll try to nix anything that’s not appropriate.

I thank you again for keeping me in your prayers.

 

[Chocolate_Sally]

Christmas day is for observing the Birth of Christ, but also about family, who are a gift from God.

And having lost family members that I love dearly, I will value them, even in their secular ways.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

You saying they can’t? Are you saying that Jesus was wrong to chastise those who paraded their piety?

Sometimes the act of buying a box of Krispy Kreme donuts for your family is more aligned towards communion with God than cooping yourself up in the adoration chapel.

I didn’t say either of those things. Nor did I contradict anything that Christ taught. Much less was I doing anything like “parading.” The examples I gave in my initial post were to give the OP an example of my life; in this case I felt that the two of us exist in a similar situation, both being devout Catholics in a fairly secular family. I was merely demostrating that one can have a fulfilling and full spiritual life despite having a family that may give only nominal (if any) support of it.

And again, you come in with the pejorative remarks about someone else’s spiritual disciplines. No one on this forum has any real clue as to why someone keeps such disciplines or what the status of their relationship with their family is, unless they have chosen to reveal it themselves. I have not chosen to do either of those. Suffice it to say, I sleep fine knowing that I have done right by my family, even on days that I “cooping myself up” with Jesus: going to Adoration and caring for one’s family are not mutually exclusive. And even if they were, how do construe face-to-face worship of God as secondary to buying donuts?

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

I was merely demostrating that one can have a fulfilling and full spiritual life despite having a family that may give only nominal (if any) support of it.

And I’m saying that prioritizing extra-religious activities is not the way to strike that balance. If anything, that just tips it unfairly with only excess religiosity replacing workaholism.

And again, you come in with the pejorative remarks about someone else’s spiritual disciplines. No one on this forum has any real clue as to why someone keeps such disciplines or what the status of their relationship with their family is, unless they have chosen to reveal it themselves.

If you take offense at me comparing the excessively religious with the excessively workaholic then don’t expect me to apologize much less shed a tear. It’s logic. Don’t call it ‘pejorative’ if it’s too cold for you.

I have not chosen to do either of those. Suffice it to say, I sleep fine knowing that I have done right by my family, even on days that I “cooping myself up” with Jesus: going to Adoration and caring for one’s family are not mutually exclusive. And even if they were, how do construe face-to-face worship of God as secondary to buying donuts?

I’m a student of Jesuit education. From that, I’m taught that God is found in more than just some sacred space in your local church. Again, remember the Pharisees? Replace “Face-to-Face worship of God” with “Not working on the Sabbath”. I’m sure we both know how Jesus felt about that attitude.

So yeah, I would rather buy a box of donuts to enjoy with my family instead of isolating myself on Christmas day, even if it were in the adoration chapel. Cuz given how many of us get separated enough due to work, replacing it with religion means nothing. It’s still separation. I fail to see what good the Church does in defending the family structure when its members start using it as justification for dividing that same structure.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

And I’m saying that prioritizing extra-religious activities is not the way to strike that balance. If anything, that just tips it unfairly with only excess religiosity replacing workaholism.

If you take offense at me comparing the excessively religious with the excessively workaholic then don’t expect me to apologize much less shed a tear. It’s logic. Don’t call it ‘pejorative’ if it’s too cold for you.

I’m a student of Jesuit education. From that, I’m taught that God is found in more than just some sacred space in your local church. Again, remember the Pharisees? Replace “Face-to-Face worship of God” with “Not working on the Sabbath”. I’m sure we both know how Jesus felt about that attitude.

So yeah, I would rather buy a box of donuts to enjoy with my family instead of isolating myself on Christmas day, even if it were in the adoration chapel. Cuz given how many of us get separated enough due to work, replacing it with religion means nothing. It’s still separation. I fail to see what good the Church does in defending the family structure when its members start using it as justification for dividing that same structure.

I think that it’s telling that you declare that you are still learning as a Catholic. That, at least, is a fair defense as to why you get dangerously close to heresy when you imply that to do more than the bare minimum is in any way detrimental.

Let’s start with an important fact about Eucharistic Adoration: those in the chapel are never isolated. If you need a theological brush up on that, pick out any one of the thousands of resources on the Real Presence. Maligning those who take on committed hours at adoration chapels solely because they do not meet with *your *approval regarding their family obligations is petty to say the least, arrogant to say the worst.

Do me a favor, too: instead of oblique references to Scripture in a feeble attempt to say I ought to feel guilty about my behavoir, why don’t you come out and tell me what Jesus would specifically find wrong about my attitude? Don’t answer this with another question: list the things that I’ve said that Jesus, not you, would find objectionable. Was it the part when I suggested that the OP spend time in prayer, or when I suggested that they be open with their family? What about when I told you that you had misinterpreted my remarks to the OP and then clarified what I meant so that you could better understnd?

Your closing remarks are the ones that are the most out of touch with the logic of the Church: to think, “I can’t (or shouldn’t) spend more time involved in ministry because I already spend a lot of time at work,” ought to be a red flag to the well-educated Catholic that one is spending too much time at work to the detriment of his spiritual life, not something else.

Luckily, it seems as though you are very close to getting the point: you said that you would rather eat donuts than go to Adoration. That’s absolutely yours to decide, and that may work best for you and your family. But I’m not you, and your family isn’t mine. Your work obligations aren’t mine, and mine aren’t yours. I am neither a workaholic, nor am I cut off from my family. I go to bed and say my prayers knowing that I did the best I could to do right by all to whom I am obligated: my job, my family, and above all, God. No amount of donuts is going to change that.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

I think that it’s telling that you declare that you are still learning as a Catholic. That, at least, is a fair defense as to why you get dangerously close to heresy when you imply that to do more than the bare minimum is in any way detrimental.

Charges of heresy require backing up. No twisting the CCC now.

Let’s start with an important fact about Eucharistic Adoration: those in the chapel are never isolated. If you need a theological brush up on that, pick out any one of the thousands of resources on the Real Presence. Maligning those who take on committed hours at adoration chapels solely because they do not meet with *your *approval regarding their family obligations is petty to say the least, arrogant to say the worst.

Using religion to severe ties and close yourself off from your family. That is isolation no matter how you slice it. Christ chastised those used religion as an excuse to not doing what was right. He healed a man on the Sabbath in response to people who try to use theology to justify such inaction.

You playing the Real Presence card just goes to demonstrate that for Catholicism. You want to charge someone with arrogance, take it up with Him.

Do me a favor, too: instead of oblique references to Scripture in a feeble attempt to say I ought to feel guilty about my behavoir, why don’t you come out and tell me what Jesus would specifically find wrong about my attitude?

Read above.

Your closing remarks are the ones that are the most out of touch with the logic of the Church: to think, “I can’t (or shouldn’t) spend more time involved in ministry because I already spend a lot of time at work,” ought to be a red flag to the well-educated Catholic that one is spending too much time at work to the detriment of his spiritual life, not something else.

Sounds like you either underestimate the demands of today’s job market or lucky enough to not have one that weighs you down. If work proves to be an all-consuming tumor in their time, there is only one thing that tells you if they are spiritually accountable: control. Unfortunately, not everyone who ends with more work and less prayer time has that luxury.

You speak of not enforcing different forms of spirituality but right now, you’re the one forming the logical basis that a even day job isn’t worth keeping just because one can’t go to Adoration.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

Using religion to severe ties and close yourself off from your family.

And here it is: you’ve been arguing with a fantasy inside your head. The things that you’re accusing me of doing and the attitudes that you say I have don’t exist. I have not severed ties with my family. I never said anything close to that. You have made up circumstances in your head about me and my family. Everything you’ve been talking about, namely my supposed “workaholic” attitude to spiritual devotions, is centered around this notion that I’m all alone and have pushed people away, and that’s all in your imagination.

I’ll point you back at my first post and this time, take a moment to read it. Yes, there are conflicts between the committments I’ve made to certain parish ministries and family dinner plans. Does my family understand this? Yes; family sacrifice is a two way street. Do I always show up to every family event? No. Do I always say yes to every ministry I’m asked to help with? No. Do I have a full-time job (which I happen to enjoy)? Yes. Are there conflicts between work and family, and Church and family that I speak to my boss about? Yes.

I’ll grant you that isolation for the sake of pushing others away is, in fact, a bad thing. However, “isolation” does not characterize my life, even when I take the late night hours in Adoration.

So, maybe you should try doing something other than tilting at windmills?

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

I never said anything close to that. You have made up circumstances in your head about me and my family. Everything you’ve been talking about, namely my supposed “workaholic” attitude to spiritual devotions, is centered around this notion that I’m all alone and have pushed people away, and that’s all in your imagination.

Do you even care to read back on your responses? I never even specified you of doing anything! I merely defined that which your logic justifies. I never said you did anything. You’re the one having a knee-jerk reaction and firing off charges of heresy. If demonstrating the clear harm of excessively religious activity as the same as excessive work pulls your nerves, I’m not apologizing for it.

I’ll point you back at my first post and this time, take a moment to read it.

I’ve wasted enough of time doing that already without you ever telling me. Why? Cuz it’s clear that whatever I said struck your nerves. If not, I can’t see why you would take offense to me pointing out the obvious fact about excess religiosity.

Yes, there are conflicts between the committments I’ve made to certain parish ministries and family dinner plans. Does my family understand this? Yes; family sacrifice is a two way street. Do I always show up to every family event? No. Do I always say yes to every ministry I’m asked to help with? No. Do I have a full-time job (which I happen to enjoy)? Yes. Are there conflicts between work and family, and Church and family that I speak to my boss about? Yes.

So you struggle with a schedule. Who doesn’t? I see no point in you whining about that here while at the same time accuse me of accusing you for mismanaged priorities. Follow your own advice first and reread how your accusations are baseless and uncharitable. All you’ve been doing is asking questions while taking offense at the answer.

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

Do you even care to read back on your responses? I never even specified you of doing anything! I merely defined that which your logic justifies. I never said you did anything. You’re the one having a knee-jerk reaction and firing off charges of heresy. If demonstrating the clear harm of excessively religious activity as the same as excessive work pulls your nerves, I’m not apologizing for it.

I’ve wasted enough of time doing that already without you ever telling me. Why? Cuz it’s clear that whatever I said struck your nerves. If not, I can’t see why you would take offense to me pointing out the obvious fact about excess religiosity.

So you struggle with a schedule. Who doesn’t? I see no point in you whining about that here while at the same time accuse me of accusing you for mismanaged priorities. Follow your own advice first and reread how your accusations are baseless and uncharitable. All you’ve been doing is asking questions while taking offense at the answer.

You did make specific accusations about my situation, and you’ve done nothing to demonstrate anything. God bless you. Merry Christmas.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

You did make specific accusations about my situation, and you’ve done nothing to demonstrate anything. God bless you. Merry Christmas.

Why should I do anything when your knee-jerk reaction and touched nerves did it all for me? I didn’t even respond to you in the first place. I didn’t quote you. All I did was respond to the OP. You say you have everything balanced. Your reactions are not making the good case for it.