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JLCecilia
Guest
Given the full disclosure mentioned at every possible opportunity about this cousin’s situation, I’d be inclined to make something up and let it be nobody else’s business. But, that would never really happen b/c I wear my heart on my sleeve, much to DH’s chagrin.
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Pax2u
Guest
I do admire your willingness to be supportive of your DH, JLCecilia. I hope he appreciates you
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ThyKingdomCome
Guest
I think Easter Joy’s approach is a good one, and is probably the best way to support your husband since it is his family. But as the supportive wife, I would have a hard time accepting my dh’s premise, that the matriarchs of the families who host the celebrations, should dictate, with no (name removed by moderator)ut, the gift exchange that happens among the other family members. It is one thing to host a more optional event, and to declare that the rules of the party are that everyone will bring a gift for ___ etc… In that case, those who don’t want to participate or pay, can miss the event, and it’s not a huge loss for them or the others. But for a family Christmas celebration, it is a much bigger deal to miss it (how sad that one branch of the family is left out of such an important family function over this) - and therefore, allowing the person hosting it to call the shots on something that can be such a big imposition, is unreasonable. Yes, the hostess should be able to have the final decisions about what to eat, who brings what food, what time the event happens, and even the itinerary of the party. But it is expecting too much to dictate that your adult children all spend substantial amounts of money (or time, which is also an imposition for some) on gifts for each other, just because you’re the one who hosts Christmas dinner.
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12345678
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While I agree with most of what is going around comments-wise… these type of comments keep jumping out at me… (I pulled them out to make this post clearer, but you should be able to click on the comment to see the complete original one). You are ok to continue with the kids gift exchange, just not the adult gift exchange, correct?
You guys are upset because you make lists of what you want and you get different gifts? Is this something that bothers you for both yourself and the kids? If you got the gifts you wanted, you would still want to nix the adult exchange because of the costs, right?
I just don’t love the whole wishlists thing for Christmas presents…
ETA: If it seems like the Adult exchange will continue, can you talk to your husband to see if there is anything that can be done to have like a $5 limit or something along those lines? Is there a limit for the kids as well? I guess if everyone has a wishlist things can get pricey fast.
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pianistclare
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You guys are going to respect yourselves into the poor house.
Stop bashing the cousin for speaking the truth. There’s an elephant in the room, and no one wants to step up and call “crazypants!”
If this is one of those family dynamics where you are all commanded to do things under the premise of “love” but it’s more like “obedience”, than I would say to all of them Grow Up!
And I would side with the family who doesn’t come because they can’t afford it and make my own family fun. How is it that this family is big on respect and displays it by disrespecting each other’s personal financial situations? There’s a lot of denial here.
If you’re already the black sheep as you say, you’re not really going to gain favor from these matriarchs by acquiescing to their demands. You simply appear as a pushover to them. Believe me, I know these types.
Don’t apologize, meet with the cousin and see if you can keep the momentum going. If most of the family feels as you do, it won’t be too hard to make a change going forward.
What does this family believe Christmas is really about in the first place? That might be another route…just sayin…
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Xantippe
Guest
This is so many different kinds of stupid.
No wonder the cousin is organizing a revolt.
Get your husband on board and join the resistance!
It doesn’t matter how generous the matriarchs are being if their generosity is harming the recipients.
You can totally tell them that it’s a hardship. Think of all the other relatives who are exactly in the same situation you are (or worse) and how bad it is for everybody. It sounds like there are at least several families that can’t take it anymore.
By the way, our family generally doesn’t get to go to the big family Christmas because it’s thousands of miles away. Our method for dealing with Christmas gifts is that we send gifts to children in the family (nephews and nieces) and we send the grownups photobooks with the past year’s best family photos. That’s their gift. $10 per photobook if we hit a sale.
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mebcb
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Christmas has become so commercial and materialist that we have forgotten the driving force and reason behind the holiday/holyday. I have a friend that prepares a month ahead for a big Christmas dinner for all her children, grandchildren and extended family. She work very hard and spends a lot of money on this tradition. They come, they eat and then they go, carrying large plates of food to take home as well. She is lucky that she sees them once or twice during the year, and then it is because they want something for the most part. I keep telling her that it is time for them to start their own traditions as most of them are well into adulthood. This year she is listening and letting another family member bear the weight and financial burden and stress. And this is what I suggest to you: Start your own family tradition. Invite who you want. Even the church is open to change. P. S. I think your husband might be slightly spoiled and it could be that his mother would be more than glad to have someone take over the reigns.
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Hoosier_Daddy
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I grew up in a family where we had two “matriarchs” It was positively toxic. But no one knew it at the time. We all just thought it was normal, respectful, and “the way things should be” It was not until the matriarchs died that we all realized just how toxic it was. It controlled marriages, relationships and money. It was not quaint, old fashioned, or respectful. It was damaging. But if you had told us at the time we would have thought it was normal. It is sad, because my grandma was a strong lady who loved fiercely. But I will never think of her well.
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EasterJoy
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a) He knew that when he married you.
b) The truth is, the non-relatives and “black sheep” who break the “rules” are honestly what keeps families from imploding under the weight of built-up pretense. A “normal” family differs from a “toxic” family in that the normal family does not achieve the level of compliance to these unspoken agreements that is widely believed necessary.
IOW, what I was describing as the political “rules” of the big extended family are actually the political mythology of a big extended family. The family really believes that if only they could get everyone to abide by these “little pretenses” that everyone would be happier. It doesn’t work that way. The families that “succeed” get really toxic. Yet the myth serves its own purpose. There is ecosystem aspect to it. The families that have the “mythology” that they are open and rational and everyone is OK with everyone else speaking their minds are living in a myth, too. Emotions and politics and ducking conflict all run things more than anyone admits. They do suffer from some estrangements that other families work through by way of pretense.
I think the main thing is whether or not an underlying affection among family members survives. If the sentiment is, “yeah, he’s a jerk, she has a big mouth, those two are passive-aggressive, and that one thinks he’s better than everyone else, but they’re our jerk and big mouth and passive agressive and Mr-Bob-Better-Than-You, and isn’t that what families are like?” then the family is probably going to do OK. That is what the quip about every family being dysfunctional by reason of having more than one person in it means. Even the Holy Family had that little Finding in the Temple incident. Everybody has something.
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Beryllos
Guest
Dear OP, I wouldn’t worry about it, since your opinion will be ignored and soon consigned to history, and the family Christmas bash will go on as usual.
It is good that you expressed your opinion when you did. Now, even without further (name removed by moderator)ut from you, the idea may continue to spread and eventually prevail.
May God bless you, your husband, and all of your extended family.
It is good that you expressed your opinion when you did. Now, even without further (name removed by moderator)ut from you, the idea may continue to spread and eventually prevail.
May God bless you, your husband, and all of your extended family.
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Miss_Felicity
Guest
This strikes me as unfair and a red flag as far as family dynamics go. You married into the family therefore you are family. Are you expected to contribute resources financially, emotionally, time wise to this gift exchange? If so you get a vote. I would speak to my husband about this if I were you.
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Xantippe
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I get that blood relatives should handle blood relatives, but the OP’s husband should be speaking up for their family interests more forcefully. (And it’s a little rude to say this, but I wonder whether his too-submissive relationship with his family didn’t contribute to the disappearance of previous wives.)
By the way, JLCecilia, my suspicion about the reason why your in-laws go off-wishlist so often is that they are getting stuff on sale. So, they aren’t necessarily spending enormous amounts of money on your family. That’s the most reasonable explanation of why you’re getting seemingly random items.
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12345678
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Maybe they like to pick out the gifts they are giving?
I do agree with the blood relatives handling blood relatives; there are many advantages to this type of dynamics.
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EasterJoy
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Yes. If my side of the family decides to shun us, I’d much rather it be for something I said or handled badly, and not something my husband said or did. He’d feel super guilty, and I wouldn’t want that. If he pushed me into to doing it, he’d feel super guilty, too. I’d also rather have my family mad at me and have a good feeling about him. They’ve been mad at me before; I can handle it.
Other couples feel the opposite, though. I think I’d let each spouse decide how to handle his or her own family, and the unrelated spouse try to go along with that.
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thewanderer
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OP, I understand that this is a difficult situation, but if the gift exchange is putting your family’s financial stability in jeopardy then you and your husband have to step up and do something about it. Whether that means finding excuses not to go, going but not exchanging gifts, or working to change the dynamics of the get-together you can’t just sit around and let your family’s finances crumble out of a misplaced sense of duty or unwillingness to “rock the boat”.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yeah.
When your kids are all grown, they aren’t going to sit around reminiscing fondly, “Our cars got repossessed and the heat got turned off in December, but at least mom and dad didn’t make grandma get mad!”
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Book_Worm
Guest
The “correct” way to handle it would have been to have the matriarchs discuss it at a monthly dinner, bring the suggestions back to their families, discuss it with them, reach a consensus, which is then brought back to the next monthly dinner meeting? I worked for a Fortune 50 company, one of the world’s largest multinationals, and I can tell you that multi-million-dollar decisions took less effort to achieve.
Who does the budgeting for, deciding on, shopping for, and wrapping of gifts for your other family members, you or your husband? If it falls mostly to your DH, then he would be the one whose opinion would carry the most weight. If, however, you are doing the lion’s share of it, then it should not be he who casts the vote (not necessarily makes the decision unilaterally). You are the one who can discuss the reasons why you want to make the change and also give an opinion on whether any suggested modifications would work for your family.
At this point in my life, I could give every member of our families a gift if I so chose. I don’t. I do not want the joy and meaning of the Christmas season to be lost in a flurry of list-making, shopping, wrapping, etc. Most adults can buy themselves whatever it is they want that would be within the realm of a gift exchange, and it would be the correct model, edition, color, and size. When you get to the point of exchanging identical $XX gift cards, the whole meaning behind giving is lost, and it becomes nothing more than a chore and an obligation.
I fail to see how you did anything wrong. As a MIL I would expect and want honesty from my child’s spouse. I host my entire family on Christmas Eve, only one of two times a year that the entire family gets together. I buy and prepare all of the food, which I consider a gift of love. I do not see it as the trump card which allows me to dictate how the other generations celebrate with each other.
Who does the budgeting for, deciding on, shopping for, and wrapping of gifts for your other family members, you or your husband? If it falls mostly to your DH, then he would be the one whose opinion would carry the most weight. If, however, you are doing the lion’s share of it, then it should not be he who casts the vote (not necessarily makes the decision unilaterally). You are the one who can discuss the reasons why you want to make the change and also give an opinion on whether any suggested modifications would work for your family.
At this point in my life, I could give every member of our families a gift if I so chose. I don’t. I do not want the joy and meaning of the Christmas season to be lost in a flurry of list-making, shopping, wrapping, etc. Most adults can buy themselves whatever it is they want that would be within the realm of a gift exchange, and it would be the correct model, edition, color, and size. When you get to the point of exchanging identical $XX gift cards, the whole meaning behind giving is lost, and it becomes nothing more than a chore and an obligation.
I fail to see how you did anything wrong. As a MIL I would expect and want honesty from my child’s spouse. I host my entire family on Christmas Eve, only one of two times a year that the entire family gets together. I buy and prepare all of the food, which I consider a gift of love. I do not see it as the trump card which allows me to dictate how the other generations celebrate with each other.
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12345678
Guest
Is it that big a difference to include adults vs only children if you set a limit to how much each can spend? You seem ok to do the children, just not the adults… or am I misreading? Would the two extra presents cause the car to be repossessed? Is the issue cost, or something else?
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pianistclare
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The whole thing seems silly. One cannot equate love with gifting.
I would suggest ( in all seriousness) that everyone get together and make a charitable contribution in the name of the Matriarchs to a Catholic charity.
The children under the age of 16 can still get gifts. But even they, should be asked to give something they seldom use to a child in need.
Most kids that do this express real joy at having shared.
Your family should try it.
It might deflect the drama. Who can argue with charity? Obviously some have been greatly blessed. Maybe it’s time to give back.
I would suggest ( in all seriousness) that everyone get together and make a charitable contribution in the name of the Matriarchs to a Catholic charity.
The children under the age of 16 can still get gifts. But even they, should be asked to give something they seldom use to a child in need.
Most kids that do this express real joy at having shared.
Your family should try it.
It might deflect the drama. Who can argue with charity? Obviously some have been greatly blessed. Maybe it’s time to give back.
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