Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews

[Gearoidin]

Sorry, this is long but I reallly need some advice.
I come from a family of 4 children, 2 older children (my older brother and sister, 14 and 12 years older than me) and 2 younger children (me and my younger sister). Christmas presents have always been a “big deal” in our family, especially since my father passed away when my younger sister and I were still young. My older brother and sister are very laid back, well-balanced, unmaterialistic people but my younger sister is very different.

My younger sister now has 2 children aged 3 and 1 and expects us to give big expensive gifts to her children and husband. She is well off with 3 houses, no morgages, she is a SAHM while the rest of us have normal lives with one house, morgages etc.
Not only does she want big and expensive gifts but they also have to match her tastes. For example, last Christmas when my mother showed her the sweater she had got for her husband, my sister told her it was totally unsuitable and made my mother go buy another gift. My mother who is in her 70s was recovering from an operation and had done her best with the gifts she had got.
My sister’s children have a playroom full of toys, tons of clothes, books, DVDs etc. I have no idea what to get them and I have suggested vouchers to my sister but she hit the roof claiming I was being selfish and lazy not wanting to get her children proper gifts.

My husband is furious and thinks we should just get them the vouchers anyway since it is so expensive to post gifts from Japan to Ireland. On the other hand, my mother is pleading with me not to upset my sister and to get the children and husband gifts. My mother always spends Christmas with her since she is the only one of us still living in Ireland.
My older brother and sister agree with my husband and have said just to get the vouchers and if she is upset, well let her be uspset. They always sent vouchers or money, while I have usually sent presents but it is getting harder and much more expensive since she’s had children.

Any advice? I don’t want to ruin Christmas for my mother.

Gearoidin

 

[Brenda_V]

Any advice? I don’t want to ruin Christmas for my mother.

Let your mom know ahead of time that you are going to be sending vouchers so the money can go farther. You will not have ruined Christmas for your mom, your sister will have in not accepting what you can give.

Simple as that, do not take the blame for your sisters behavior but do indeed prepare your mom for what may happen.

Brenda V.

 

[1ke]

My gift to your sister would be a photocopied page of the dictionary with the definition of “ungrateful” highlighted.

I would not give any gift to her or her children unless I *wanted *to. I would give them what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted, spending the amount of money I deemed appropriate.

Personally, I might give a donation to have Masses said for them this year or give money to a food pantry in their names and then send them a Christmas card telling them what I’d done.

Look, the only way your sister can have power over you or your mother is if **YOU **give it to her.

Your mother should have told your sister to stuff it. She didn’t. That’s her problem.

YOU are in charge of YOU. You can give whatever gift you like, or not give one at all. If you sister throws a fit-- hang up the phone on her, ignore her, tell her she’s acting like a petulant child, or laugh in her face.

The point is-- only YOU can give her power over you. Take the power away.

 

[MomMD]

How about nice books about the virtues of charity and temperance? Book rate postage is less expensive too. I agree with the “heads up” for Mom.

 

[Dorothy]

How about nice books about the virtues of charity and temperance? Book rate postage is less expensive too. I agree with the “heads up” for Mom.

Books suited to their age are excellent gifts for children, along with the reason of their size and lower postage rates.

After reading the OP’s message I am so grateful that no one in my family is like that. 'We all give modest gifts, and most of them are craft articles that are hand made. We experience the joy of one another’s company at family gatherings, and none of us have the concern of buying expensive gifts in order to impress one another.

 

[lillydew]

Your question hit a nerve with me. I come from a family of 8 children, all of whom are adults now and some with families of their own. Like yours, some are well off, others are struggling with the mortgage, one is homeless (long story).
There always was a big emphasis on gift giving, as we grew older, this became increasingly difficult as there were more and more ‘grandchildren’. We eventually opted to adopt the method of pulling names out of a hat to see who we would be designated to buy for - that is, each adult member, in-laws included, would each buy something for one of the grandchildren selected from the hat. This seemed to work well for a few years, but inevitably the simple age differences made it very difficult to know what to buy for that child and the usual vouchers came in instead. Eventually this dropped because half the grandchildren had become adults themselves whilst others were having young children. Eventually it was decided for the parents of the child of school-age to bring a present (unbeknown to the child) to the Christmas celebration. This also became difficult for the parents involved, because it always seemed like unnecessary expense. Finally, all gift giving was ceased and members of the family focused on contributing to the Christmas meal instead - which seems to work well.

Another problem here was that my husbands family makes up 10 children whom all have families of their own, one has 9 on her own. Some of these children now have children of their own as well and others bring along their current partners. It became quite exasperating to say the least!

We have both done our part in either family for the years we have been married. However, our children are still school - age but now receive no presents at all from these gatherings - it’s sad from a parent’s perspective when you have witnessed other siblings children and their children receive these gifts over the years. They do not have cousins in their own age groups, and so feel somewhat misplaced when attending such functions.

So here is where I feel the nerve being closest to home when it comes to your poster. Your sister is the youngest, and from what I have gleaned in my own large, extended family, the youngest often has to battle to be heard. They need the recognition from their older siblings, regardless of how they’re living out their lives and this can often be expressed through such events as Christmas, particularly if you aren’t living in close proximity. I would hazard a guess that your sister needs you more than any present, even though she may not make it clear. No present is going to be able to fill that need, so hence the criticism.

My two bobs worth would be to write her a beautiful letter involving her and her life and to share like sisters could about motherhood. Along with this, possibly hand make something of a keepsake that embodies your feelings you share. And then include a voucher perhaps with the promise of something more personal next year, as you get to know her more over time. As a side note, my older sister sent me a plastic card with money on it, along with a personal note, knowing from the months preceding Christmas, about our struggles. We are only just getting to know each other for the first time and realise that the past is gone and we are trusting each other, slowly, over time. For all I cared, she could have just sent the note (it was worth everything to me) - that made it a wonderful season and reason to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.

I certainly wish you all the best in working this out, it is never easy with family, but the best place to start sometimes!

Blessings,
Lilly:heart:
P.S. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas!:christmastree1:

 

[SMHW]

I think your sister is being rude and babyish.

But for the sake of your mother and your nieces and nephews I would take the advice of those who say to give books. If things work the same way they do in Ireland as they do in the United States you can order on line and have the books gift wrapped and sent directly to the intended recipients. (Or you could have them sent to your mother and have her deliver them.)

…Oh… and I’d only send the books to your sister’s children. I’d inform her (not ask) that you and your husband don’t have the financial resources to give gifts to adult siblings.

Either that or I’d get together with the other siblings and agree to draw names. I’d then contact your sister and ask if she wants to join in with the name draw or if she’d prefer not to exchange gifts with the rest of you.

 

[kage_ar]

United States Savings Bonds (or the something similar from their country)

 

[puzzleannie]

SorryMy younger sister now has 2 children aged 3 and 1 and expects us to give big expensive gifts to her children and husband.

her expectations should not play a role in your gift giving, except of course you would not give something she would not approve of like a book of questionable content.

simply announce, or come to an agreement with sibs if that is possible on a gift exchange system, or a dollar limit, or family gifts rather than individual–we did that years ago since both our families are huge, agreed simply to exchange simple family gifts–handmade items for those that are crafty, or something like a puzzle, box of candy, tree ornaments, birdhouse etc.

or just wait until the day and present your family gifts–every family gets a homemade windchime or box of pretzels or whatever you choose, “here we thought all of you would enjoy these. Merry Christmas” end of discussion. never complain, never explain

or you can buy exactly what you wish, at a price you can afford, for each of the children on your list, taking into account their preferences and your knowledge of them–book, crayons, truck whatever–and let your sister’s whining roll off your back (bet you have a lot of practice in that, anyhow)

in my family our agreed rule, since some have kids, some don’t, we would exchange simple token gifts only when we are physiclly together, so kids have “something to open” usually of the stocking-stuffer class, or books, mostly books, tho most of us still send a family gift. BIL sends salmon he has caught and smoked (spends a fortune on shipping but boy is it good). Bro sends dressed frozen venison to anyone who wants it (we don’t), another bro sends custom tied flies for those of us who fish (we don’t). Sis sends original drawings or illustrated stories to the kids, featuring their actvities and pets, which are treasured.

 

[Gearoidin]

Thanks everyone. You really put things in perspective for me. I’ve spoken to my mother, explained that I will be sending books for the children + 1 family gift voucher. My mother understands that we cannot afford expenisve gifts for everyone. She is sure my sister will have a fit but she said she (my mother) will cope. She has told my sister’s husband too so he is also prepared.

Gearoidin

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[Brenda_V]

Thanks everyone. You really put things in perspective for me. I’ve spoken to my mother, explained that I will be sending books for the children + 1 family gift voucher. My mother understands that we cannot afford expenisve gifts for everyone. She is sure my sister will have a fit but she said she (my mother) will cope. She has told my sister’s husband too so he is also prepared.

Gearoidin

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Your mother is a wise woman, I am sure you thank God for her!

Brenda V.