Christmas is Coming and Mum is Getting Old

[Rose71]

My mother used to love Christmas! She made sure the house was decorated beautifully and we sat down as a family to the most amazing meal. She was always on the go, making things and organising things and used to joke that men sulked at Christmas because they suddenly felt they lacked a purpose because the woman of the house was so busy and focussed.

She’s in her 80s now and has been strugging the last couple of years to pull of this amazing feat of organisation. She refuses any offer of help, but the decorations, the feasting and the making and baking have all diminished to next to nothing.

Our one wish is for her to enjoy Christmas again, without worry but also without feeling she’s been left on the scrapheap of domesticity and isn’t needed by all of us.

Finally, I’ve managed to persuade her that DH and I will do the main course of the meal, which means she can enjoy doing the starters and all she has to worry about is making her amazing Xmas puddings (which I know she does enjoy)

She tires so easily and gets very depressed about her lack of stamina. She’s been a tower of strength all her life and old age has hit her so very hard. We feel like we’re walking on eggshells this time of year, because she gets so depressed about her limitations and most suggestions of help, or practical assistance are taken as criticism.

How do other people manage this? What can we do to make her Christams a happy one when all we can do just reminds her that she’s no longer the tireless tower of strength that she once was?

 

[Xantippe]

My mother used to love Christmas! She made sure the house was decorated beautifully and we sat down as a family to the most amazing meal. She was always on the go, making things and organising things and used to joke that men sulked at Christmas because they suddenly felt they lacked a purpose because the woman of the house was so busy and focussed.

She’s in her 80s now and has been strugging the last couple of years to pull of this amazing feat of organisation. She refuses any offer of help, but the decorations, the feasting and the making and baking have all diminished to next to nothing.

Our one wish is for her to enjoy Christmas again, without worry but also without feeling she’s been left on the scrapheap of domesticity and isn’t needed by all of us.

Finally, I’ve managed to persuade her that DH and I will do the main course of the meal, which means she can enjoy doing the starters and all she has to worry about is making her amazing Xmas puddings (which I know she does enjoy)

She tires so easily and gets very depressed about her lack of stamina. She’s been a tower of strength all her life and old age has hit her so very hard. We feel like we’re walking on eggshells this time of year, because she gets so depressed about her limitations and most suggestions of help, or practical assistance are taken as criticism.

How do other people manage this? What can we do to make her Christams a happy one when all we can do just reminds her that she’s no longer the tireless tower of strength that she once was?

My grandma is 90 now and she and my grandpa (age 94) continue to host birthdays and holidays. I don’t know how the evolution happened, but grandma has gone from being a veritable Energizer Bunny probably well into her 80s who did everything to accepting a more pot luck approach to major family events. (My grandma has lost a lot of her sight, so that does enter into it.) If every family that is coming brings just one thing and tells her in advance what the one thing is, that could help a lot.

But it sounds like her feelings about this are more of a problem than the logistics. Maybe flat out ask her something like, “Mom, who told you that Christmas was always going to be 100% your responsibility?” or “Mom, maybe it’s time that you move into management?” It should be possible to frame changes as a promotion rather than a demotion. And then gracefully accept being bossed around a little…She may also find it stressful to organize people right before D-Day, so I would suggest meeting with her in advance and making the big master list of things to be done.

I’d also reassure her that just providing an appropriate space for the entire family is a big deal. In my family, my grandparents have an excellent space and the appropriate infrastructure (dishes, silver, punch bowl, etc.) for big family parties (20+ people). When my grandparents go to their reward, I have no idea what will happen to our family holiday traditions–my parents have barely hosted a weenie roast in the last 20 years, so there’s the awful possibility that there may be a complete collapse of extended family events.

So, try to reassure her that whatever she can do is important and appreciated–because it is.

 

[Rosebud77]

Growing old gracefully and letting go gracefully is an art that takes humility and grace. I am learning this as I age… well over 70 now and slowing down. Having to scale down the work I do trading to support family working with homeless… not walking the dog as I used to. Thankfully no one has any expectations of me after the last Christmas Fair and equally thankfully I will be “alone” at Christmas, something I hated when I was young but value greatly now. Peace and prayer and a modest celebration. Just takes a change of attitude is all and I imagine much reassurance which you are doing splendidly at! Well done!

 

[Avila123]

That is a hard one. I was blessed in that my mother very quickly decided to hand Christmas over to me and to sit back and enjoy being waited on hand and foot. Maybe you could let her know how much you love all she has done for you, how sad you feel that you do not have the opportunity to try and carry on her wonderful tradition and would be overjoyed if she could teach you her Christmas pudding recipe and how everything should be organised. It will give her the opportunity to be central to the celebrations and have an active and highly valued role.

Just an idea.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Growing old gracefully and letting go gracefully is an art that takes humility and grace. I am learning this as I age… well over 70 now and slowing down. Having to scale down the work I do trading to support family working with homeless… not walking the dog as I used to. Thankfully no one has any expectations of me after the last Christmas Fair and equally thankfully I will be “alone” at Christmas, something I hated when I was young but value greatly now. Peace and prayer and a modest celebration. Just takes a change of attitude is all and I imagine much reassurance which you are doing splendidly at! Well done!

Wow, great post! Thank you for having the grace to pass the Christmas torch to younger generations.
It is a act of true humility give up your own way of doing things and to allow the young ones to make their own Christmas.

I don’t fully understand why you will be without family for Christmas but you say that you value this time as well so that is noble too !

You are an example of how to age gracefully for us all.

Thanks for your post.

 

[Rose71]

Thanks for the lovely responses. The ‘space and equipment’ to hold a family get-together is very true at this end too!

We’re going to host a couple of parties at our house this year and invite a few family members, including mum and dad, so that they can enjoy the company without any of the work.

I suspect some of this stems from the fact that I’m married and doinga lot more on the domestic front. I think on one hand, mum is overjoyed at seeing her little domestically-challenged tomboy morph into Mrs. Beaton, but on the other, I think she’s feeling a bit redundant