Christmas was good, but the crushing pain is back

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I will. I promise. Just don’t want to make a bad situation worse. I really am trying to do the right thing. I really love my family. And I acknowledge that letting her in the room was stupid. I clearly wasn’t thinking. I am beating myself into depression. I hate myself. I hate what happened. I feel like I should just be alone forever. That’s what I deserve. I really feel awful about this. I do not know how I will go on.
 
Are you sure alchol was all you had? Would she have had the chance to slip something into your drink? If so it may still be in your system and would help build a case.
 
I apologize if you mistook what I meant. I meant to say I can see your sorry, but there’s no room to wallow. The longer you wait to tell your wife, the worse the response is going to be.
 
You seem to be saying that this was an accidental, one time incident. If so, don’t make it worse by breaking your wife’s heart by telling her. Yes, confess to a priest immediately. Then determine to make it up to your wife (even though she doesn’t know) by being the best husband and father you can. Hope that she never learns about it, but deal with it honestly if she does. You seem to imply that the “other woman” is threatening or manipulating you. That is just stupid. Cut off any contact or interaction with her. (Remember that’s how you got into this mess.) Do not drink in social situations ever again (pennance), don’t attend conferences if you can avoid them, bring your wife with you to future business events (yeah, hire a babysitter!), maybe a new job is in order. If your wife ever does learn of this affair she will be deeply hurt, so beg her forgiveness. But at least you may be able to show her then that you have repented and changed your ways. No more excuses!
 
That is horrible advice and totally not Catholic. To intentionally lie to someone is a sin. Tell your wife ASAP.
 
I am sorry, but that is again, just your opinion. Priests will often advise spouses not to tell. That is why so many posters have told him to see a priest and take his advice, not ours.
 
Not telling someone something isn’t the same as lying.

OP…this is getting well beyond what I’d rely on an internet forum before. Personally, I have had times (not with alcohol, but with various medications) where things that if I hadn’t been under the influence would have been obviously false, seemed obviously true. So I can certainly see at those times, a transparent excuse seeming perfectly plausible, if you were under the influence of alcohol. And if you’re not remembering certain parts of the evening, that means you had a large amount to drink for your own tolerances. That was a mistake, but it doesn’t excuse her taking advantage of the situation. If you went to the legal system in the U.S., this would meet the legal criteria for rape (although evidence would obviously be an issue). I would work with your therapist and your priest as to how to approach this. It’s a delicate matter and it’s not as simple as just deciding to cheat.
 
I know a lot of people that live like that. I personally don’t feel that is right, omitting the truth is the same as a lie in this case. He should tell her everything, and if this was a one time thing and he is really sorry he can fix his marriage. There is children involved so I know it’s a little more complicated. I really think the right thing to do is to come clean. Leave the rest to your wife and to God. Say a rosary, better yet say a novena rosary. That’s 54 days and many miracles have happened because of it. I will pray for you, your wife, and your children. Good luck and God bless.
 
This is why I can’t get past this. Yes I blocked her and cut off communication. But there is such a divide on what’s the best way forward. Confess and pray for forgiveness, or make this your cross to bear and don’t spread your pain. It’s killing me. I can barely function.
 
If it is as bad as you say then tell her. It will eat you up for the rest of your life if you don’t.
 
I know. I guess the priest will give me the final say. He will tell me my penance for this. I certainly Deserve it
 
Agreed. That’s what makes it so hard. I know he alcohol was my fault. I have to own that. At my age I should know when to stop. Did she slip something in my drink? Hard to say.

My biggest fear isn’t confessing it’s that my wife would want justice (and rightfully so). And as soon as she sought justice this woman would defend herself by lying about what happened from her side. Then I’m stuck defending myself to the law as well as dealing with my marriage.

There is nothing I want more than my wife to hug me and tell me it’s ok, and she understands and will support me. But what if she reacts on emotion? Which I know is a real possibility. Then what? We live in a society that will not even listen to my side of the story.
 
If you want to talk to your wife, I would advise possibly having a neutral party assist, perhaps even be present. This would likely be a priest or a therapist.

Here’s a thing: do you really think she could turn this around on you? Remember it’s not a crime to tell your wife someone committed a crime and then not be able to prove it in court. It might help to figure out what exactly you’re afraid of her doing.
 
So OP, have you made an appointment to speak with your priest yet? If not, what are you waiting for? You have time to keep coming here and posting, so you must have time to make an appointment.
 
We are out of town. I will as soon as we are back. I need too. And thanks for all your help.

One thing is for certain Satan has his hands all over this. And I won’t let him win.
 
You aren’t describing adultery. You are describing a date rape, and you were the victim.

If you speak about this to someone, it would have ruined a career alright! If you had disclosed what had happened back when you had evidence of the truth, it probably would have ruined hers. She acted like a sexual predator. Those come in female, too.

You might be dealing with a sociopathic personality, however. I would steer very far clear of her. She doesn’t want this known, so the chances that she will try to harm you with an accusation now is not high. She may even be very aware that there are witnesses who would attest to your version of events and not hers. (She may have even bragged about what she did!)

I would still suggest that you give her as wide a berth as possible in the most undramatic way you can manage. She is bad news. If you were in a position to make a credible accusation against her, that would have possibly protected someone else, but that ship has sailed. I’m not blaming you for not saying anything, just recognizing that you are not in much of a position to level an accusation because you have destroyed what evidence you had and did not get witnesses at the time. It is not just that you are male and she is female. I get a feeling that she is an accomplished liar capable of rationalizing anything she cares to do. She has all but told you that she has utterly snuffed out her conscience. Stay off of her radar, whatever you do.

Do you bear some fault for this? You failed to guard your purity, yes. That doesn’t mean you weren’t victimized with regards to the act itself. Talk to your confessor about it. You may want to arrange to have him there when you disclose this to your wife. (I don’t think you would survive trying to keep this a secret from her forever, even if it were something you know for a fact she would rather not know. Better to do the most gentle job of telling her that you can, and have support lined up to get through whatever follows.)

Keep in mind, though, that teaching victims to punish and blame themselves is what sexual predators do. You cannot take your willingness to take all the blame for this as a measure of your guilt. It is not.

Don’t be afraid of your wife doing a “me, too.” That isn’t very likely, particularly not if you come clean. If you think she’d want to cheat on you, work on your marriage.
 
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