Christmas

  • Thread starter Thread starter Samwise1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

Samwise1

Guest
Just need some insight and of course, and most of all, your prayers.

Recently married, with a great wife. Problem is I notice I really don’t like missing her which maybe makes more attached than necessary.

She moved to my country from a Latin American background. I live close to my family, her dad is a widower and stayed behind. His children are all living pretty far from him.

A few months ago we planned a nice holiday time together. First in my town with my family, then with her closer living sister, then a mountain trip together.

All of a sudden her dad invited us over to his place as he will be alone during Christmas (the children that live closer to him will visit the family-in-law).

As I can’t just change my working schedule, looked forward to our plans and generally don’t like last minute changes, I told her I can’t go.

Now she’s planning to go herself across the ocean, leaving me alone (of course with my own family).

Am I being unreasonable, or how I could I solve this issue? Or just deal with it and understand that she chooses things that would not be my choice?
 
Can you go during the time you would have spent on your mountain trip?
 
Samwise1 said:
Just need some insight and of course, and most of all, your prayers.

Recently married, with a great wife. Problem is I notice I really don’t like missing her which maybe makes more attached than necessary.

She moved to my country from a Latin American background. I live close to my family, her dad is a widower and stayed behind. His children are all living pretty far from him.

A few months ago we planned a nice holiday time together. First in my town with my family, then with her closer living sister, then a mountain trip together.

All of a sudden her dad invited us over to his place as he will be alone during Christmas (the children that live closer to him will visit the family-in-law).

As I can’t just change my working schedule, looked forward to our plans and generally don’t like last minute changes, I told her I can’t go.

Now she’s planning to go herself across the ocean, leaving me alone (of course with my own family).

Am I being unreasonable, or how I could I solve this issue? Or just deal with it and understand that she chooses things that would not be my choice?
Click to expand...
The last minute change is a marital foul, but under the circumstances, you should probably expect a lot of family resources to be spent on travel back and forth. My sister is married to a European and they and the in-laws spend vast amounts of money traveling back and forth.

I think I’d go with something like, “This is OK this one time, but in future, if we have plans, we have plans. Unless somebody is dying, you should schedule your South America travel at least 90 days in advance and we should plan our vacations together.” Or whatever is your comfort level.

Maybe next year you should probably plan on hosting your FIL?
 
Don’t make her choose between you and her father.

God willing, you and your wife will have many decades with each other. However, her time with her father is limited.

Make use of an Skype or Apple Facetime to see each other. When you are scheduled off, maybe you can fly down there to be with her for part of the time? There are 12 Days of Christmas afterall.

If you can’t, see if she can be back by Epiphany (Three Kings Day) and exchange gifts then; after all, that’s when most Latin Americans exchange Christmas gifts (or at least some of the gifts).

Also, make this Advent time a special one for you two. Do more things together before she leaves and make your Advent a holy one so it gives you the Graces you need to be separated from your wife.

God Bless and Happy Advent!
 
Because our limited money, I can’t go. I longed to spend Christmas with my wife and family, like last year I spent already there and next year we are planning a get-together with all her siblings and dad.

I feel she made me choose. So suddenly. Putting a sudden idea that I clearly don’t like above something we both planned and liked.

I’m thinking about expressively forbidding her to go. Married catholic couples spend Christmas together so if one can’t go, both won’t go.
 
Samwise1 said:
Because our limited money, I can’t go. I longed to spend Christmas with my wife and family, like last year I spent already there and next year we are planning a get-together with all her siblings and dad.

I feel she made me choose. So suddenly. Putting a sudden idea that I clearly don’t like above something we both planned and liked.

I’m thinking about expressively forbidding her to go. Married catholic couples spend Christmas together so if one can’t go, both won’t go.
Click to expand...
My husband and I usually don’t spend Christmas together. In the 18 years we’ve been together he’s been gone for 11 Christmases, so that argue won’t get you too far. Most of those have been because we had no choice but others we could have figured out if we had tried harder. Why not take the money for the mountain trip and spend it on this trip for you instead?

Being demanding won’t either. She may very well view seeing her dad as an act of charity. She probably already feels torn and pushing like that will only cause resentment. How about you try putting yourself in her shoes and see if you can understand a little more where she’s coming from. You will be surrounded by your family and friends while her father is alone.

I do understand you would rather not be “alone” for Christmas, although you will have people to share your time with. Your father in law will be completely alone instead. Your wife may not be able to enjoy the holiday knowing her dad has no one with him.

Marriage is for grown ups and grown up choices are never fun to make. We often find out that no matter what we decide we will still be wrong and we will still cause others to be upset. Not sure how long you’ve been married but there’s a good chance you will have many more Christmases together than you will have apart. You’ll most likely end up having more Christmases together than she will have with her dad (your father in law). Should she have changed plans suddenly without talking to you first? Probably not. Should you figure out how to go with your wife instead of staying behind? Probably you should. Somehow solutions begin miraculously appearing when we let go of pride and stubbornness. Speaking as so wine that allowed pride to get in my way a few times, it’s not worth it.

You will survive this Christmas even with this change of plans. If you all spend it together or apart, either way you will survive. No matter where you go or who you’re with, Jesus will still be born into your heart if you allow him.
 
bitterhope said:
My husband and I usually don’t spend Christmas together. In the 18 years we’ve been together he’s been gone for 11 Christmases, so that argue won’t get you too far. Most of those have been because we had no choice but others we could have figured out if we had tried harder. Why not take the money for the mountain trip and spend it on this trip for you instead?

Being demanding won’t either. She may very well view seeing her dad as an act of charity. She probably already feels torn and pushing like that will only cause resentment. How about you try putting yourself in her shoes and see if you can understand a little more where she’s coming from. You will be surrounded by your family and friends while her father is alone.

I do understand you would rather not be “alone” for Christmas, although you will have people to share your time with. Your father in law will be completely alone instead. Your wife may not be able to enjoy the holiday knowing her dad has no one with him.

Marriage is for grown ups and grown up choices are never fun to make. We often find out that no matter what we decide we will still be wrong and we will still cause others to be upset. Not sure how long you’ve been married but there’s a good chance you will have many more Christmases together than you will have apart. You’ll most likely end up having more Christmases together than she will have with her dad (your father in law). Should she have changed plans suddenly without talking to you first? Probably not. Should you figure out how to go with your wife instead of staying behind? Probably you should. Somehow solutions begin miraculously appearing when we let go of pride and stubbornness. Speaking as so wine that allowed pride to get in my way a few times, it’s not worth it.

You will survive this Christmas even with this change of plans. If you all spend it together or apart, either way you will survive. No matter where you go or who you’re with, Jesus will still be born into your heart if you allow him.
Click to expand...
I needed this lecture. Thanks so much for awakening me from selfishness. Still I feel angry, but I should just get used to having a wife around me that is different than myself.

Particularly this “She probably already feels torn and pushing like that will only cause resentment.” was a wakeup call.

Lets see if some sleep can heal my soul more and probably provide a solution.
 
Samwise1 said:
I needed this lecture. Thanks so much for awakening me from selfishness. Still I feel angry, but I should just get used to having a wife around me that is different than myself.

Particularly this “She probably already feels torn and pushing like that will only cause resentment.” was a wakeup call.

Lets see if some sleep can heal my soul more and probably provide a solution.
Click to expand...
Many prayers for you. It’s tough I know. It’s ok to feel angry sometimes. It’s ok to express that respectfully to your wife as well. I think honesty is important. Choose your words carefully and pray before you speak. I’m praying for a Merry Christmas for you both and for your family.
 
Samwise1 said:
Because our limited money, I can’t go. I longed to spend Christmas with my wife and family, like last year I spent already there and next year we are planning a get-together with all her siblings and dad.

I feel she made me choose. So suddenly. Putting a sudden idea that I clearly don’t like above something we both planned and liked.

I’m thinking about expressively forbidding her to go. Married catholic couples spend Christmas together so if one can’t go, both won’t go.
Click to expand...
I think it was really bad of her to make a big plan without your involvement and in contradiction to your previous agreement, but no, it’s not true that married Catholic couples always spend Christmas together.

You should get her to promise that she’s not going to do this sort of last minute thing again going forward.

Are your finances joint or separate and do you do a monthly budget together? This sort of thing should be planned and budgeted well in advance. But, you should expect to be spending a lot of money on trips to South America, just as if you were living in South America, you would expect to spend a lot on trips to the US. It’s a big deal to leave one’s country.

If there are any further examples of her making large decisions without you, I think you should take it to marriage counseling.
 
Samwise1 said:
Just need some insight and of course, and most of all, your prayers.

Recently married, with a great wife. Problem is I notice I really don’t like missing her which maybe makes more attached than necessary.

She moved to my country from a Latin American background. I live close to my family, her dad is a widower and stayed behind. His children are all living pretty far from him.

A few months ago we planned a nice holiday time together. First in my town with my family, then with her closer living sister, then a mountain trip together.

All of a sudden her dad invited us over to his place as he will be alone during Christmas (the children that live closer to him will visit the family-in-law).

As I can’t just change my working schedule, looked forward to our plans and generally don’t like last minute changes, I told her I can’t go.

Now she’s planning to go herself across the ocean, leaving me alone (of course with my own family).

Am I being unreasonable, or how I could I solve this issue? Or just deal with it and understand that she chooses things that would not be my choice?
Click to expand...
It’s disappointing in the extreme to have the rug pulled out from under you. 😦

One way to resolve this is to be flexible, adjust your expectations and let her go to visit her father, realizing you have her the rest of the year. Enjoy your family, and you will enjoy, and appreciate, your wife all the more when she is back. Look at the bright side in this. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”.

She will be grateful that you, unselfishly, are giving this gift (a visit with her father) that she very much wants. You said she is a good person, a good wife.

Don’t look at this as an obligation. See it, instead, as an opportunity to willingly, joyfully, choose to allow her to go with your blessing, because you love her so deeply you would sacrifice even this for her.

Latin American culture is also very strong, and it must be terribly hard for her to be away so much. Your wife loved you enough to leave her family, be away from them most of the year. Can you see how she would want to do this?
 
Last year, I didn’t spend Christmas with my boyfriend, true we weren’t married. Still, I got all upset. There was a last minute change of plans, and I was to be left with my friends.

Then this year, I have accepted he may be able to be with me for Christmas and New Years, or may not. Nothing has changed but my expectations that we’d be together that day. I have resolved not to be upset either way.

If he can manage his other obligations and be with me, great. If he can’t, he just can’t.

He was busy on his birthday about 2 weeks ago, and we just today got to celebrate his birthday! So, I have become more flexible this year on everything. If he can’t celebrate Christmas Dec. 25, we will celebrate it together, just another day. I have let go of my expectations, flex to the circumstances. Already, I feel more at peace.

I prefer to spend the holidays with my boyfriend. Last year I was saying things like, “What’s the good of having a boyfriend if I can’t spend the holidays with him?!” Now, I consider that was selfish. He’s trying to please all sides at once and couldn’t.

I have him all the time, so I figure he can have some days to spend however he pleases.

I love him enough to sacrifice for him a few times a year.
 
Expectations often cause much unhappiness. If we can change our expectations to preferences, life would be so much easier.
 
Here are some other issues.

Spending holidays with in-laws can be a very unsettling experience. Everything is familiar but at the same time foreign and things are missing that ought to be there. Also, you can’t really relax. Furthermore, being a visiting daughter-in-law can be an exhausting business–you’re expected to help and to know your way around, but you don’t know your way around. Plus, in your case, this is an actual foreign country for your wife–it probably doesn’t feel like Christmas to her because it isn’t her country.

One of the things you guys may need to work on is producing your own joint home Christmas traditions, separate from either of your parents’, so that your wife can start feeling at home. So I would encourage you not to just think of Christmas as being something that you do with your families.
 
We may consider this from yet another angle. How often, and for how long, do ya’ all visit your family? How often, and for how long, do you visit her family?
 
It’s not about this. We don’t have resources to do 50% her place, 50% her family. Also, the actually scheduled trip would be to visit her sister for new year (and the mountain trip after that). Now she will cross the ocean just to see her dad, no one more. If we would have a bigger get-together, and/or would have planned this before, I would be totally fine.

It’s the sudden, single handed decision that hurt me. That she didn’t even ask: “Is it okay if I go?” But kind of said “Do you want to go - if no, I will go alone”.
 
Samwise1 said:
It’s not about this. We don’t have resources to do 50% her place, 50% her family. Also, the actually scheduled trip would be to visit her sister for new year (and the mountain trip after that). Now she will cross the ocean just to see her dad, no one more. If we would have a bigger get-together, and/or would have planned this before, I would be totally fine.

It’s the sudden, single handed decision that hurt me. That she didn’t even ask: “Is it okay if I go?” But kind of said “Do you want to go - if no, I will go alone”.
Click to expand...
Well, that’s probably how she sees it–that there’s a fairness issue in that you get to see your family all the time and she doesn’t.

Obviously, this is not a decision-making style you can live with going forward. In fact, once you have children (or even when you are just expecting), it will become less and less feasible. And come to think of it, that is a reason to prioritize her family for the next little while–the time is probably coming when she won’t be able to do the flight, even alone.

Speaking for myself, I was a newly returned Peace Corps volunteer when I met my husband. I fully intended to go back to Russia to see my friends. While some of them have managed to come see me a number of times, it’s been 18+ years and I haven’t been back, even though I very much wanted to go. There were three years in a row where I literally had the money to go (which is a substantial sum) but then there were three years of issues. And given the current political situation, I’m even a little scared to go now. So, although your wife has committed a number of marital crimes and misdemeanors, there is actually a point to going now rather than later. Later has a way of not ever coming.

I think it’s OK to tell her that you’re very hurt, you want more notice, you want your mutual plans to get more respect, but that you understand that she may be dealing with a limited window of opportunity for visits.
 
If this is at a standstill, marital counseling would be another option. If counseling is needed, better sooner than later. This may indicate more is involved than just a trip and family, that it runs deeper.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top