Chronic struggle with discontentment

[TBenedicta]

Hello all,

I’m twenty four years old, wife to a medical student and mama to my almost-9 month old baby girl. My husband and I married when we were both 22- at the time, I had just graduated college and my husband had one semester to go.

My husband had always dreamed of being a doctor and had already applied to medical schools at the time of our marriage. Even with all the Pre-Cana preparation we did and the fact that I’ve known my husband since I was five, and the fact that we agreed we wanted a large family with a stay-at-home mom, I am surprised at how much my spirit is rebelling against this season of life that I’m in.

Part of it is that I was unemployed for years directly following college graduation, and never nailed a job my field of choice. Instead, I moved to be with my husband through medical school and took a last-resort job as a full time nanny. I was happy to have a job and happy my husband had the opportunity to study medicine, but secretly disappointed there was “nothing better” for me.

Then we got pregnant just as I had decided to switch careers and applied to nursing schools. We were both so happy! The pregnancy was very easy and I had a blessed labor and delivered our beautiful girl on Valentines Day. Amazing. Praise God!

But I feel so dissatisfied with my life every single day. I mean… I feel happy to be with my daughter and I can’t imagine leaving her with anyone else. In fact, I practice attachment parenting mostly since I’m ecologically breastfeeding her. So, leaving her with others is really not an option.

The reality of this being my life for the next twenty plus years as I keep having babies and supporting my HUSBAND’S dreams is setting in. There is “nothing better” for me. I stay home and cook and clean and get to hang out with my beautiful baby, but that is it for me. No better career or life calling. I get depressed about it sometimes and I really need peoples’ prayers and maybe a bit of advice for how to get myself to snap out of being such an ungrateful stay at home mom.

I don’t know if I’ve conveyed myself well at all. Hopefully another momma is out there reading this and understanding a bit of my struggle- that of COURSE I want to be at home with my kids (who else would love them like me?!) but I also at the same time struggle with resentment for the fact that my husband is the one out there achieving his dreams. He asks what I did during the day and really the most exciting thing is “oh, I vacuumed. And we went to playgroup.”

Peace to you. And thanks!

 

[jmjMom9]

When I was 27 years old, I had three adorable kids and I wasn’t happy at all. One day, I sat on my deck of my little, bitty house and watched them riding their tricycles and running around laughing. I was bored out of my brain. I asked God, almost idlely, “What happened to all the important things I was supposed to do.”

I was shocked when I heard a voice say, “You are looking at it.” I’m not sure if the voice was auditory or interior, but it was not my thoughts. At that same moment I was given the revelation that from the first moment of creation, God intended this work for me: bearing and raising these eternal souls. It was a turning point for me.

Later, as I matured. I grew in self knowledge. I realized that I am not a natural servant. In fact, serving other is hard for me. My first impulse is my own comfort/interest. I believe that in taking care of my kids and home and family, I am learning to be a Christian. I don’t think that if I had continued to work, I would have grown in this way.

I’m not saying that working moms don’t serve others. I’m only saying for ME, it was the best path to conversion.

After that epiphany on my deck, I began to transform my thought process. It didn’t make it easy for me though to become reconciled to the domestic life. I still had lots of growing to do.

Practical things that helped me was reading about the vocation of motherhood and the domestic life, and even more, developing friendships with devout Catholic moms of similar age that were also undertaking the role of SAHM.

God dreams bigger than us. I wanted to be satiated with a career and recognition and a paycheck. God wanted me to put the temporal things away and focus on the eternal.

Pray.

 

[Lamentation]

It might seem like your husband has the more interesting life, but here’s something that you may have not thought about: Your daily life changes as your kids grow older, and so does your answer to the question “how was your day?”. Your husband, at the end of the day, is still essentially going to be doing the same job whether it’s right now, or 30 years from now.

I wouldn’t say so much that there’s “nothing better”… You also make a very large difference in peoples’ lives. These people just happen to be your family. To me, it would be the difference between marriage and religious life. Am I called to love an abundance of people, but in relatively brief moments in the lives; or am I called to love a few people more deeply, for the rest of their lives?

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Cat]

Is there anything you can do from home to feel more connected with the world?

Can you blog? A lot of blogs become valuable sources of information to others. Could you blog about being the wife of a future doctor? That sounds kind of interesting.

Can you take up a cause (e.g., the environment, pro-life, etc.) and do an online letter-writing campaign to support your cause?

Can you garden? (I can’t, by the way–every plant I come near croaks).

Can you start a ministry, perhaps bringing your baby to visit the old folks at a retirement home? When I was a young mother with two babies, I joined a group that did monthly sing-alongs at nursing homes. (I played piano.) All of us brought our children along with us. The old folks just adored our little ones, and I have some very precious moments of interactions of my little girls with elderly people.

Can you read? Is there a series of books that you’ve always wanted to read through; e.g., the complete works of Shakespeare? OR how about reading the entire Bible and/or Catechism through and taking notes?

How about memorizing Scripture? You’ll never have a better opportunity!

Can you work on a Bible study, or perhaps several Bible studies? There are plenty of “on-your-own” Bible studies, or perhaps a woman Bible teacher in your parish would agree to come to your house and work through the study with you and provide discussion and feedback?

Can you learn to play an instrument?

Can you spend the time getting in the most fantastic physical shape of your life, and planning/preparing the healthiest menus of any household in the United States so that you and your husband rival Jillian Michaels and Bob Harper when it comes to health and fitness?

Can you pray? This would be wonderful! Take all the prayer intentions here on CAF and pray for them all day long while you are caring for your little one and your home. All of us would appreciate that! And this is an activity that has eternal results.

Can you bike or hike, and take your baby along? Can you visit local parks and enjoy nature? Or museums, historic sites, etc? I used to take my children on “field trips” to see local churches, businesses, etc. They had no idea that these were just local places–they were so excited! (I think that these trips helped them to learn to appreciate and enjoy all kinds of activities, not just the “super-activities” like Disney World and skiing.)

These are all just a few ideas to get you thinking about some activities other than the grind of housekeeping and child-rearing. Yes, these bring joy, but they are also very “daily” and the routine can get dull.

Something else to think about–are you committed to attachment parenting? Why? (You don’t have to explain that in this thread.) This type of parenting is very intense, and if you aren’t totally committed to it in your heart, I can’t see how it can be a good thing for your family. Surely your resentment over your loss of freedom will eventually be evident to your children, especially as you have more children, and the older ones get “wise.”

I really enjoyed trading children with other young mothers so that I could have a few hours of childless freedom. Attachment parenting would never have been an option for me.

Please don’t think I’m trying to persuade you to not attachment parent. I’m only trying to get you to think it all through and make sure that it’s really the right decision for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband has an MD; I have a PhD. I have been a SAHM since my children were born, even though they are now starting high school.

It has not always been easy, and over the years I have found that not everyone can do it. There are many good mothers out there who went back into salaried work when their children were old enough. OTOH, my husband is in a demanding field of medicine. Most of my husband’s colleagues are divorced, but we are still fine. Our children are doing extremely well in school, even though both are hearing impaired (which typically has an adverse effect on academics). More to the point, everyone in the family likes each other. It has not been easy, though. I cannot tell you how many books on tape I have listened to in order to keep my mind from going stir crazy!!

As you go through your marriage, you and your husband will need to continually look at what you need to do with your one life. The medicine he practices–that is what you (plural) do. If you do not believe it, think of what his life would be like without you waiting at home for him, with no wife and no child. Likewise, doing your own child care–that is what you (plural) do. Don’t look at what you are doing now as what you will do forever, then. Get through now, enjoy what it has to offer now, offer up what you have to endure now, and yet realize that it will not last forever. You can do what you’re doing for a limited amount of time.

It has helped our family tremendously that we practice not just a joint view of our work, but also gratitude. My MIL lived with us, and she was an ardent fan of “please” and “thank you”. She took no one for granted. It makes a big difference when everyone says “thank you” to those responsible at the end of every meal, whether we are at home or at a restaurant.

 

[EasterJoy]

I notice that your namesake was a contemplative, a Discalced Carmelite. The Desert Fathers fled “the world” in order to live a life dedicated to God. As the story goes, a brother came to Scetis (a monastic center in Egypt) to visit Abba Moses and asked him “Father, give me a word.” This is what the novices would do: go to the older monks for advice. The old man said to him “Go, sit in your cell, and your cell will teach you everything.” Let me tell you–a SAHM has a lot in common with those monks! There is no vow of silence, but there is a lot of time with no one around who speaks in long sentences or who uses any long words!!

One of the great enemies of the monks in the desert was acedia, called “the noontime devil”. See if this does not sound familiar!

OUR sixth combat is with what the Greeks call acedia, which we may term weariness or distress of heart. This is akin to dejection, and is especially trying to solitaries, and a dangerous and frequent foe to dwellers in the desert; and especially disturbing to a monk about the sixth hour, like some fever which seizes him at stated times, bringing the burning heat of its attacks on the sick man at usual and regular hours. Lastly, there are some of the elders who declare that this is the “midday demon” spoken of in the ninetieth Psalm

AND when this has taken possession of some unhappy soul, it produces dislike of the place, disgust with the cell, and disdain and contempt of the brethren who dwell with him or at a little distance, as if they were careless or unspiritual. It also makes the man lazy and sluggish about all manner of work which has to be done within the enclosure of his dormitory. It does not suffer him to stay in his cell, or to take any pains about reading, and he often groans because he can do no good while he stays there, and complains and sighs because he can bear no spiritual fruit so long as he is joined to that society; and he complains that he is cut off from spiritual gain, and is of no use in the place, as if he were one who, though he could govern others and be useful to a great number of people, yet was edifying none, nor profiting any one by his teaching and doctrine. He cries up distant monasteries and those which are a long way off, and describes such places as more profitable and better suited for salvation; and besides this he paints the intercourse with the brethren there as sweet and full of spiritual life. On the other hand, he says that everything about him is rough, and not only that there is nothing edifying among the brethren who are stopping there, but also that even food for the body cannot be procured without great difficulty. Lastly he fancies that he will never be well while he stays in that place, unless he leaves his cell (in which he is sure to die if he stops in it any longer) and takes himself off from thence as quickly as possible. Then the fifth or sixth hour brings him such bodily weariness and longing for food that he seems to himself worn out and wearied as if with a long journey, or some very heavy work, or as if he had put off taking food during a fast of two or three days. Then besides this he looks about anxiously this way and that, and sighs that none of the brethren come to see him, and often goes in and out of his cell, and frequently gazes up at the sun, as if it was too slow in setting, and so a kind of unreasonable confusion of mind takes possession of him like some foul darkness, and makes him idle and useless for every spiritual work, so that he imagines that no cure for so terrible an attack can be found in anything except visiting some one of the brethren, or in the solace of sleep alone. Then the disease suggests that he ought to show courteous and friendly hospitalities to the brethren, and pay visits to the sick, whether near at hand or far off. He talks too about some dutiful and religious offices; that those kinsfolk ought to be inquired after, and that he ought to go and see them oftener; that it would be a real work of piety to go more frequently to visit that religious woman, devoted to the service of God, who is deprived of all support of kindred; and that it would be a most excellent thing to get what is needful for her who is neglected and despised by her own kinsfolk; and that he ought piously to devote his time to these things instead of staying uselessly and with no profit in his cell…

From the writings of St. John Cassian on acedia
pathsoflove.com/acedia/cassian-acedia.html#10.1

 

[Ridgerunner]

I’m a guy, so maybe I shouldn’t say anything at all. I’ll add that I have never been a “stay at home dad”, so i don’t know what that’s like.

But something i couldn’t help thinking as I read the OP’s post. How did women manage it before all women worked outside the home? I don’t buy the notion that women were virtual slaves and were miserable, because I knew too many women who were stay at home who seemed happy.

I remember my paternal grandmother for example. She had always been stay at home, and I’ll grant by the time I knew her she didn’t have little kids. But her day sure seemed full to me, and she seemed happy. Now, I’ll grant she had outside business interests. She owned some modest rentals, and dealt with that. She cooked these truly astonishing meals. She and her sister sort of vied with each other in their baking by making “gifts” of cakes or pies or something to each other (each trying to outdo the other I suspected). Every day she read part of “My Imitation of Christ” and said a rosary. Every day, and at about the same time each day. Then she allowed herself her “gossip time” as she called it. She called friends or relatives and talked for a particular period of time. She sang in the parish choir until her voice wouldn’t stand up to it any more.

My own mother had business dealings, not the least of which was managing a modest cattle operation. My dad worked in town. My parents didn’t have it easy financially, but she knew what she was doing. Her actual education was teaching, but she didn’t get to do it much of her life. She greatly enjoyed gathering up “natural fruits of the earth”; berries growing wild, wild grapes she found in the woods, walnuts, hickory nuts, and making things out of them. We helped, and we all did it together. She wasn’t stupid at all. Very smart and very wise. She canned all kinds of things and sewed. She often sang while she was doing her work, so I do think she was happy in what she was doing. Later in life, she taught for awhile, then was offered a job in a bank and took it.

I am not a doctor, so I don’t know what that life is like. But I do know some who are really frustrated with that profession. Lots of good things, but lots of not so good things.

I know one woman whose husband was a judge. She never did work outside the home. She took it upon herself to be the “investment specialist” of the household. Sure, his earnings fueled it initially, but her investment skill made it an independent source of income and wealth over time.

My wife was a stay at home mom for years and years. When the kids were big enough, she went into nursing and likes it just fine. In retrospect, it’s possible she likes it better than she would have if she had slogged through all those child-rearing years doing it instead of raising our children.

Again, I’m a guy, and I can’t know what a stay at home mom knows or feel what she feels. But I am sometimes put to wonder whether sometimes people have recognized career aspirations just because society constantly tells them that they should. Is it possible that our current culture has persuaded women that their “seasons of life” are not good unless they’re identical to those of men? I wonder.

I have a daughter who was a prosecutor, but she left it to raise her daughter (and she’ll probably have more). She really liked being a prosecutor, and might return to the practice of law someday. Probably will. But right now, she’s happy. I’m awaiting an updated picture of her daughter to appear on my cellphone as I write this. The last one was, oh, I’m going to say two weeks ago, and it’s time for a newer one.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m a guy, so maybe I shouldn’t say anything at all. I’ll add that I have never been a “stay at home dad”, so i don’t know what that’s like.

But something i couldn’t help thinking as I read the OP’s post. How did women manage it before all women worked outside the home? I don’t buy the notion that women were virtual slaves and were miserable, because I knew too many women who were stay at home who seemed happy.

I remember my paternal grandmother for example. She had always been stay at home, and I’ll grant by the time I knew her she didn’t have little kids. But her day sure seemed full to me, and she seemed happy. Now, I’ll grant she had outside business interests. She owned some modest rentals, and dealt with that. She cooked these truly astonishing meals. She and her sister sort of vied with each other in their baking by making “gifts” of cakes or pies or something to each other (each trying to outdo the other I suspected). Every day she read part of “My Imitation of Christ” and said a rosary. Every day, and at about the same time each day. Then she allowed herself her “gossip time” as she called it. She called friends or relatives and talked for a particular period of time. She sang in the parish choir until her voice wouldn’t stand up to it any more.

My own mother had business dealings, not the least of which was managing a modest cattle operation. My dad worked in town. My parents didn’t have it easy financially, but she knew what she was doing. Her actual education was teaching, but she didn’t get to do it much of her life. She greatly enjoyed gathering up “natural fruits of the earth”; berries growing wild, wild grapes she found in the woods, walnuts, hickory nuts, and making things out of them. We helped, and we all did it together. She wasn’t stupid at all. Very smart and very wise. She canned all kinds of things and sewed. She often sang while she was doing her work, so I do think she was happy in what she was doing. Later in life, she taught for awhile, then was offered a job in a bank and took it.

I am not a doctor, so I don’t know what that life is like. But I do know some who are really frustrated with that profession. Lots of good things, but lots of not so good things.

I know one woman whose husband was a judge. She never did work outside the home. She took it upon herself to be the “investment specialist” of the household. Sure, his earnings fueled it initially, but her investment skill made it an independent source of income and wealth over time.

My wife was a stay at home mom for years and years. When the kids were big enough, she went into nursing and likes it just fine. In retrospect, it’s possible she likes it better than she would have if she had slogged through all those child-rearing years doing it instead of raising our children.

Again, I’m a guy, and I can’t know what a stay at home mom knows or feel what she feels. But I am sometimes put to wonder whether sometimes people have recognized career aspirations just because society constantly tells them that they should. Is it possible that our current culture has persuaded women that their “seasons of life” are not good unless they’re identical to those of men? I wonder.

I have a daughter who was a prosecutor, but she left it to raise her daughter (and she’ll probably have more). She really liked being a prosecutor, and might return to the practice of law someday. Probably will. But right now, she’s happy. I’m awaiting an updated picture of her daughter to appear on my cellphone as I write this. The last one was, oh, I’m going to say two weeks ago, and it’s time for a newer one.

My mother had eight children. A very smart lady, very hard-working. She said one of the hardest times was when she was first married with just one baby and just a little house to take care of. The family was so small, it only took a little canning and preserving to take care of what they needed. Many women I know said the same thing. There is an adjustment, especially for a woman who got used to accomplishing lots of things before she had her first child. Babies, though very dear, are not the interesting conversationalists that even a 5 year old is! They take a lot of patience.

 

[Xantippe]

TBenedicta said:

“In fact, I practice attachment parenting mostly since I’m ecologically breastfeeding her. So, leaving her with others is really not an option.”

You don’t have to do that.

By the way, 9-months-old is a particularly clingy, tricky age, where they seem to spend all of their time getting into stuff but there’s not much you can do with them. I have a 12-month-old, and I had a really hard time dealing with her at that age. (I called the age your baby is right now “pre-toddlerhood”.) I find my baby a lot easier to manage as a toddler.

“The reality of this being my life for the next twenty plus years as I keep having babies and supporting my HUSBAND’S dreams is setting in. There is “nothing better” for me.”

A few thoughts:

1. You’re not going to have more and more babies all the time (i.e. six babies or toddlers all at the same time–unless something really weird happens). You’ll have growing stairstep older children, plus a new baby now and then. You may find that older children are more interesting to you. Also, older children can be very good with babies and take the burden of amusing them off your shoulders. My 11-year-old and 7-year-old are great with the baby. (That said, it can be REALLY HARD to manage a toddler or preschooler plus a baby or young toddler.)
2. School involves work of its own (I am always being pursued by a huge Indiana Jones-style rolling boulder of forms and school handouts), but having big kids in school is a nice break and having older children is different, more intellectual, more managerial. Before my youngest was born, I was definitely feeling that I had transitioned from being a manual laborer to management.

“There is “nothing better” for me. I stay home and cook and clean and get to hang out with my beautiful baby, but that is it for me. No better career or life calling. I get depressed about it sometimes and I really need peoples’ prayers and maybe a bit of advice for how to get myself to snap out of being such an ungrateful stay at home mom.”

In several years, you will be economically able to make your life easier. I’m not telling you to go full-on crazy shopaholic doctor’s wife, but you will be able to afford a cleaning lady and a sitter or mother’s helper (you might actually particularly enjoy having somebody to work with, actually). One of the things that makes your current situation difficult is that you are 1) living on a limited income 2) presumably not getting a lot of help from your husband and 3) facing the fact that it’s going to be like this for quite a while. Once your husband’s income improves, a lot of stuff is going to change. Obviously, enjoy today, but don’t be thinking that it’s going to be like this forever.

When our oldest two kids were born, we were also 20-somethings and my husband was in the beginning of the academic tenure process. We were in a perpetual crunch where we didn’t have a lot of money, my husband needed to work very hard in order to get tenure, and the kids were little and needed constant vigilance. Things got a lot easier once my husband got tenure, he didn’t have to stress out about keeping his job, he had more leisure and he started making more money, and the kids were bigger and needed less minding. (Now that we’ve added a third child, we are spread somewhat thin again, but it helps a lot that we are on financially stronger ground and my husband doesn’t have to worry that taking time to relax with the kids on the weekend will lead to him losing his job.)

Also, I am in a somewhat similar position to you, in that I was getting more and more bored with my chosen (or found) profession before we started having kids, so I didn’t have a clear idea what I would do later. However, I got into listening to Dave Ramsey some 7 years ago, and I decided several years ago that what I am really interested in is personal finance and that I would like to do tax work and maybe even become a CPA once my youngest goes to school. Now is a really good time to think about what your big dream is. Once you have more money and/or time, I would encourage you to take community college classes in different subjects until you find something that you are passionate about.

 

[Xantippe]

Sorry–I somehow wrote “7-year-old” when my middle child is actually 8.

 

[Xantippe]

Cat said:

“Something else to think about–are you committed to attachment parenting? Why? (You don’t have to explain that in this thread.) This type of parenting is very intense, and if you aren’t totally committed to it in your heart, I can’t see how it can be a good thing for your family. Surely your resentment over your loss of freedom will eventually be evident to your children, especially as you have more children, and the older ones get “wise.””

Yes.

It’s possible that you have a very high need child who needs attachment parenting, but if not, please reconsider. If it’s making you unhappy, then it’s not right for your family.

Ridgerunner said:

“How did women manage it before all women worked outside the home? I don’t buy the notion that women were virtual slaves and were miserable, because I knew too many women who were stay at home who seemed happy.”

Ever heard of Betty Friedan? Mother’s little helper?

Kids are different today, I hear ev’ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she’s not really ill, there’s a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother’s_Little_Helper

That’s a 1966 song, by the way–47 years ago.

Obviously, a lot of housewives were discontented, or the Feminine Mystique would never have been a bestseller. Equally obviously, a lot of women were perfectly happy at home, and were (and are) really ticked off to be told that they need to be earning a paycheck or they’re nothing.

To your questions:

1. Bear in mind that the OP is probably far, far from her family and her old friends, as she has followed her husband to school.
2. It’s a much lonelier proposition to be an SAHM when there are few SAHMs. In one of the neighborhoods I lived in when my kids were small, there were pretty much no SAHMs, just dozens of nannies.
3. In the good old days, a lot of women had hired help at home, which meant that it wasn’t so lonely to be home all day. (My great-grandma had 8 kids (including a set of twins), but before the Depression hit hard, she also had a hired girl. That was not uncommon for the era for people above subsistence level.) Even poorer people would have a spare grandma, sibling or cousin around the house.

 

[Xantippe]

A few more thoughts:

There is a huge literature involving women who aren’t happy with their lot at home, even if that lot is fairly privileged–see Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary, etc.

I have worked out a number of rules for myself which I will share.

1. Thou shalt take a walk or have an outing of some kind every day.
2. Thou shalt try to get together with a friend at least once a week.
3. Thou shalt take a nap at every opportunity.

 

[EasterJoy]

A few more thoughts:

There is a huge literature involving women who aren’t happy with their lot at home, even if that lot is fairly privileged–see Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary, etc.

I have worked out a number of rules for myself which I will share.

1. Thou shalt take a walk or have an outing of some kind every day.
2. Thou shalt try to get together with a friend at least once a week.
3. Thou shalt take a nap at every opportunity.

Authors do not tend to tell the stories of happy people for our entertainment. They tell the stories of discontented people, because discontented people are more difficult to predict, and therefore more interesting! I would not say that discontent is a danger “even if” one’s lot is fairly privileged, though. Money keeps stomachs from going empty, there are problems that cannot be solved without it, but money does not solve problems of discontent.

Abraham Lincoln is famous for saying “People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” This is from someone who suffered from his share of depression, mind you, but he has a point. You cannot tell from someone’s outside circumstances how contented or discontented he or she will be as a result.

In traditional societies, the women were not isolated from each other, except the wealthiest ones. They didn’t get together for bridge club, either. They got together for group tasks, like quilting. Their husbands worked hard at manual labor, just like they did. The expectations of what this life has to offer were different. In times and places where women had to live isolated lives, where they were separated from their mothers and sisters and friends, it was hard. They didn’t say anything different.

You’re right: For a woman to be contented, it is important that she take care of herself, tend to her friendships with other women and her husband, and have time for prayer and reflection (which Luke points out that Our Lady did, as well, as busy as she might have been). That is how she replenishes the wellspring from which her service to her family comes.

 

[Cat]

I’m a guy, so maybe I shouldn’t say anything at all. I’ll add that I have never been a “stay at home dad”, so i don’t know what that’s like.

But something i couldn’t help thinking as I read the OP’s post. How did women manage it before all women worked outside the home? I don’t buy the notion that women were virtual slaves and were miserable, because I knew too many women who were stay at home who seemed happy.

I remember my paternal grandmother for example. She had always been stay at home, and I’ll grant by the time I knew her she didn’t have little kids. But her day sure seemed full to me, and she seemed happy. Now, I’ll grant she had outside business interests. She owned some modest rentals, and dealt with that. She cooked these truly astonishing meals. She and her sister sort of vied with each other in their baking by making “gifts” of cakes or pies or something to each other (each trying to outdo the other I suspected). Every day she read part of “My Imitation of Christ” and said a rosary. Every day, and at about the same time each day. Then she allowed herself her “gossip time” as she called it. She called friends or relatives and talked for a particular period of time. She sang in the parish choir until her voice wouldn’t stand up to it any more.

My own mother had business dealings, not the least of which was managing a modest cattle operation. My dad worked in town. My parents didn’t have it easy financially, but she knew what she was doing. Her actual education was teaching, but she didn’t get to do it much of her life. She greatly enjoyed gathering up “natural fruits of the earth”; berries growing wild, wild grapes she found in the woods, walnuts, hickory nuts, and making things out of them. We helped, and we all did it together. She wasn’t stupid at all. Very smart and very wise. She canned all kinds of things and sewed. She often sang while she was doing her work, so I do think she was happy in what she was doing. Later in life, she taught for awhile, then was offered a job in a bank and took it.

I am not a doctor, so I don’t know what that life is like. But I do know some who are really frustrated with that profession. Lots of good things, but lots of not so good things.

I know one woman whose husband was a judge. She never did work outside the home. She took it upon herself to be the “investment specialist” of the household. Sure, his earnings fueled it initially, but her investment skill made it an independent source of income and wealth over time.

My wife was a stay at home mom for years and years. When the kids were big enough, she went into nursing and likes it just fine. In retrospect, it’s possible she likes it better than she would have if she had slogged through all those child-rearing years doing it instead of raising our children.

Again, I’m a guy, and I can’t know what a stay at home mom knows or feel what she feels. But I am sometimes put to wonder whether sometimes people have recognized career aspirations just because society constantly tells them that they should. Is it possible that our current culture has persuaded women that their “seasons of life” are not good unless they’re identical to those of men? I wonder.

I have a daughter who was a prosecutor, but she left it to raise her daughter (and she’ll probably have more). She really liked being a prosecutor, and might return to the practice of law someday. Probably will. But right now, she’s happy. I’m awaiting an updated picture of her daughter to appear on my cellphone as I write this. The last one was, oh, I’m going to say two weeks ago, and it’s time for a newer one.

I believe it was easier for my mother and her generation to stay home with children because almost all women stayed home, so there were plenty of pals to chat with over the back yard fence while hanging laundry to dry. (And back then almost all homes had a backyard, a fence, and a clothesline–not so nowadays!)

In this day and age, there are many neighborhoods where a woman may very well be the sole woman at home during the day. This can be very lonely (and depending on the neighborhood, it can be scary, too). And it’s so hard to make friends when you stay home with children and all the other women you meet work outside their home. You just don’t have a lot in common, and sometimes, sadly, there is animosity between the stay-at-home moms and the work-outside-the-home moms.

 

[Xantippe]

Cat said:

“And it’s so hard to make friends when you stay home with children and all the other women you meet work outside their home.”

Right–even if they seem fun, you’re on a completely different schedule.

 

[HopenHappiness]

Have you tried connecting with the other mothers at Play group? What about other mothers in the church.

I was only blessed with one child, and stayed home with him. We were a military family so we moved around a lot. To make new friends, once settled I would look in the newspaper and see where I could volunteer(some places let you bring your baby). Also when he was older and in school I took classes, had an occasional part time job, but was always home when son was home. And our house became the place to be with all his friends and they all called me mom and knew they could talk to me about anything, and some of these young men needed guidance which made me feel good to help.

Of all the things I did over the years and continue to do to this day I find volunteering the most fulfilling thing in life. Other then being a mother and wife you will never get such a great feeling in volunteering. It is hard to explain the feeling but, you get more out of volunteering then you could get at any paid job.

Once my son got married I had hoped for Grandchildren to babysit and such, but the marriage has been on a rocky road from day one and I don’t see grandchildren in my future. So I started my own online business for fun and I like doing it, but I also continue to volunteer and give to others because it makes me feel great, it is almost like an addiction, I do it just as much for me as I do for those who I help.

So for the moment you might see if you can volunteer somewhere and enjoy the feeling you get from helping, but I warn you it can be addicting.

Good Luck

 

[TBenedicta]

Hi All, I only have a quick moment to jot a response so apologies for not replying individually.

My baby has been “high needs” since she was born and has a few different allergies and GI issues that mean that she nurses MORE at nine months than she did as a newborn. She doesn’t sleep well, either (it’s getting better as she gets older). So, “attachment parenting” has sort of fallen into my lap as a way to stay somewhat sane. Besides which, since my go-to NFP method doesn’t work well for me postpartum and Marquette is too expensive, I wanted to fully practice ecological breastfeeding to space children naturally. It’s worked well, as my fertility has not yet returned and baby is nine months old.

One more detail, for people who speculated: yes, we live more than three thousand miles away from any family or close friends, so I don’t have a huge support system. My husband works very very long hours and I am often alone with our daughter for long periods of time (sometimes weeks!) I’ve slowly built a bit of a support system through knowing other moms in the area, but it’s not perfect of course. I actually only know ONE other Catholic mom. Our church is mainly elderly people. (Nothing wrong with older folks! It’s just that our parish back home, where we’re from, is a thriving and bustling one full of young families. And our church here is definitely not that. There’s no mom’s group or anything like that, and when I inquired I was told there was no interest.)

Anyway, @jmjMom9 - thank you thank you thank you! I think that’s my main problem… I don’t have a true servant’s heart and I’m always looking out for my own comfort, and right now I don’t really have any comfort so I’ve given into distress/despair. I pray to develop perseverance and a true servant’s heart, but it’s hard. And it doesn’t happen overnigth

@EasterJoy - my goodness. Yes! That is exactly how I’m feeling! Incredible. I’ve already bookmarked that site. Thank you!

 

[Xantippe]

TBenedicta said:

“My baby has been “high needs” since she was born and has a few different allergies and GI issues that mean that she nurses MORE at nine months than she did as a newborn. She doesn’t sleep well, either (it’s getting better as she gets older). So, “attachment parenting” has sort of fallen into my lap as a way to stay somewhat sane.”

What does your pediatrician think the prognosis is on this and have you consulted a pediatric gastroenterologist yet? There may be something that your pediatrician is missing. There’s also a possibility that the baby will do better on a special formula.

It might also just be for the next several months if you’re lucky. I have a cheese and dairy-loving friend whose breastfed baby was horribly allergic to any dairy in her diet to the point that my friend was literally wasting away from deprivation (there’s dairy in EVERYTHING). But then, one fine day, the baby suddenly wasn’t allergic to the dairy and my friend was able to come back to the land of the living.

One more thing–if you are purposely reducing your fertility, that is contraception, even if the method is just adding breastfeeding sessions.

 

[LilyRose_8891]

My husband has an MD; I have a PhD. I have been a SAHM since my children were born, even though they are now starting high school.

It has not always been easy, and over the years I have found that not everyone can do it. There are many good mothers out there who went back into salaried work when their children were old enough. OTOH, my husband is in a demanding field of medicine. Most of my husband’s colleagues are divorced, but we are still fine. Our children are doing extremely well in school, even though both are hearing impaired (which typically has an adverse effect on academics). More to the point, everyone in the family likes each other. It has not been easy, though. I cannot tell you how many books on tape I have listened to in order to keep my mind from going stir crazy!!

As you go through your marriage, you and your husband will need to continually look at what you need to do with your one life. The medicine he practices–that is what you (plural) do. If you do not believe it, think of what his life would be like without you waiting at home for him, with no wife and no child. Likewise, doing your own child care–that is what you (plural) do. Don’t look at what you are doing now as what you will do forever, then. Get through now, enjoy what it has to offer now, offer up what you have to endure now, and yet realize that it will not last forever. You can do what you’re doing for a limited amount of time.

It has helped our family tremendously that we practice not just a joint view of our work, but also gratitude. My MIL lived with us, and she was an ardent fan of “please” and “thank you”. She took no one for granted. It makes a big difference when everyone says “thank you” to those responsible at the end of every meal, whether we are at home or at a restaurant.

EasterJoy, I like your use of the word “now” in your post. It is very important.

I am still living with regret about not living in the moment and enjoying the “now.” When my husband and I got married, I was set on postponing pregnancy for at least a year because our house was still under construction and I felt the need to be settled in our permanent home before having a child. I also just pictured the first year of marriage as “just us” adjusting to married life, getting used to the major life change, and tying up loose ends (such as getting settled in our house). On our wedding day, I was worried about being fertile and therefore not being able to consummate our marriage that night. On our honeymoon, I was obsessing over our NFP chart to see whether I was fertile or not and whether a particular day was okay to have relations. Our house was still under construction, and we were living in a one bedroom apartment once we got back from our honeymoon. Somewhere along the way, NFP became too difficult (my cycle required A LOT of abstinence), and I decided my reasons for wanting to postpone pregnancy for at least a year were not worth it. I became pregnant one month after the wedding. So then I started worrying that our house would not be done in time and we would have to come home from the hospital to that little one bedroom apartment and move from house to house with a newborn. Our house was finished a month before the baby was born (but six months after it was supposed to be done), and I was dissatisfied that it was not done sooner because we were scrambling to get moved in, take childbirth classes, set up the baby’s room, etc. In a nutshell, I was stressed for the first ten months after our wedding. Everything turned out OK. I love my incredible husband, my wonderful son, our beautiful home, and the life I am living.

What’s not OK, though, is that I am also living with a lot of regret. I didn’t fully enjoy my wedding day and honeymoon because I was worried about the NFP chart. I didn’t fully savor the sweetness of being pregnant because I was worried about the house being done in time. I made my husband worry about whether or not we could have relations early on in our marriage because of my wanting to postpone pregnancy for reasons that weren’t really that great. I failed to enjoy the “now” because I was so worried about the future. I can’t get my wedding day back, I can’t get my honeymoon back, and I can’t get my first pregnancy back. I really wish I had fully savored all of these once-in-a-lifetime events rather than worrying about the future and being dissatisfied that things didn’t go exactly the way I pictured they would go.

So…TBenedicta, DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

This time you have with your baby girl is precious and something you won’t be able to get back. It sounds like you have a great husband, and these early years with him are something you also won’t get back. Please, please, please enjoy them without worrying about the future. Chances are you will get to do all the things you want in the future and be happy then, but it will be bittersweet because you will look back and wish you had fully enjoyed these years.

Just my advice. I’ll pray for you. Please also pray for me.

 

[TBenedicta]

TBenedicta said:

“My baby has been “high needs” since she was born and has a few different allergies and GI issues that mean that she nurses MORE at nine months than she did as a newborn. She doesn’t sleep well, either (it’s getting better as she gets older). So, “attachment parenting” has sort of fallen into my lap as a way to stay somewhat sane.”

What does your pediatrician think the prognosis is on this and have you consulted a pediatric gastroenterologist yet? There may be something that your pediatrician is missing. There’s also a possibility that the baby will do better on a special formula.

It might also just be for the next several months if you’re lucky. I have a cheese and dairy-loving friend whose breastfed baby was horribly allergic to any dairy in her diet to the point that my friend was literally wasting away from deprivation (there’s dairy in EVERYTHING). But then, one fine day, the baby suddenly wasn’t allergic to the dairy and my friend was able to come back to the land of the living.

One more thing–if you are purposely reducing your fertility, that is contraception, even if the method is just adding breastfeeding sessions.

She has been diagnosed as being allergic to dairy (she gets hives) and peanuts (and the cross-related legumes: lentils, chickpeas). Nothing else has been diagnosed. She’s just a shoddy sleeper because she has a very sensitive digestion. I find it hard to believe someone “wasted away” simply by not eating dairy! There are so many other healthful foods to choose from-. Many of my Eastern Cath relatives frequently abstain from dairy throughout their liturgical calendar and they’re just fine healthwise.

I’m finding it difficult to respond charitably as to your last point. It is patently false. Ecological breastfeeding falls under the scope of Natural Family Planning, and also God’s design for women to give of themselves through nursing their children with their own bodies. (See Theology of the Body). It just so happens that in giving my child what she needs- which is breastmilk, not chemicals- my fertility has not yet returned. I interpret that to mean that God must know this baby of mine needs my full attention at the moment, no siblings to share it with When God is ready to bless me with another baby, he will bless me with another baby. And in the meantime, I will most definitely be nursing her because it keeps her fed, safe, and comforted.

Thank you for your response. I hope I didn’t sound too unkind, but the nursing relationship I have with my daughter is one of the easiest things about having a high needs baby.