I have joined multiple Catholic groups, could write volumes about that !!! My husband is a Knight, and after getting shouted down, laughed at and ridiculed for standing up for Catholic pro-life beliefs he stopped attending meetings. Anyway, all they do is drink and gamble.
Ow . … and wow, as in, good for him for standing up in the face of ridicule! It sounds like under the rough times he’s going through he is a real gem.
My DH, who is also a real gem, has struggled with something depression-like that had me thinking about seperation just a year ago. Probably dysthymic disorder, with occasional bouts of double depression. He’s in a good phase right now, and I think we have the tools we need to stave off another bout of double depression now, after the last truly horrible phase. It got so bad that DH, who is a SAHD, was honestly neglecting our children. He fed them, often clothed them, and otherwise didn’t interact with them for a period of several months. I couldn’t admit it at the time, but it was abusive neglect.
This is the same man who was the image of an ideal father after the birth of our twins, changing most of the diapers and doing most of the cooking and laundry while holding down a full-time job - so he’s not incapable. He also got a huge lift from being a SAHD at first, so it’s not being out of work, either. In our case, his depressive episodes are triggered by moving homes usually - so thank Heaven that we now own our home, and as long as we can keep up with the payments on it he’ll probably go a long time without a relapse.
I should mention that I was also suffering from depression, as well as anxiety, during this time. I handled it better, so it wasn’t diagnosed until other symptoms of the underlying problem got bad. Honestly, the condition probably wouldn’t have manifested as depression at all if I hadn’t been dealing w/ DH’s depression - I’ve had the same issue on-and-off probably most of my life, and never struggled with depression in the past, just anxiety, dizziness, pallor, and other physical symptoms. But people with depressed spouses are, understandably, more vulnerable to depression. This is something you might want to consider for yourself - could you be becoming depressed? Could that be why this is all starting to feel so overwhelming? If so, you probably should seek out individual counseling. Not medical advice, just my own experience.
Anyways, where I’m going with this is that things really hit rock bottom for us before they got better - me talking about seperation, and then me getting fired due to the combinatin of health and family issues impacting my ability to work. I kept trying to do the best I could, but it wasn’t until I was breaking that DH responded. I guess he kept hoping I would fix things, and it wasn’t until he knew that I not only couldn’t fix them, but that I also needed him to fix things for me, that he rose to the occasion. I’ve seen this pattern in our past as well, but things never got so extreme until last year.
I doubt this is our last experience with his depression. I want him to get treated for dysthymia (I really don’t see how this can be anything else), but I’m also being realistic about the amount of control I have over getting him into a doctor and getting him to stick with whatever program a medical professional comes up with. Right now, I’m focusing on maintenence of this good phase. I’ve learned that, for my husband, I need to criticize early and often, but gently and with love, so he doesn’t fall into bad habits. For his part, he’s learned to listen to what I say seriously and consider my complaints thoughtfully. I’ve taught him some names for his most destructive behaviors, like defensiveness, passive-agressiveness, and stonewalling, and he hardly uses them anymore. If he does, I can ask him if he might be using a certain behavior, and if he is he will usually correct it. If he isn’t, he’s learned to explain what he is doing. Counseling from a Gottman Institute counselor (who wasn’t cheap - we could only afford 3 sessions) may have helped with this. I’ve also learned to read him enough to know when he is sending himself negative messages, and occasionally will interupt a conversation to point out to him what I think is going through his head, and to help him correct it with accurate, positive messages if I am right. I am able to make accurate guesses because of my own experiences with depression, and because DH and I have similar personalities in some regards.
I don’t know if this will help. I really feel for you, and want to help, but every situation is so different and so difficult. I can’t promise I will pray a Rosary for your DH, but I will definitely pray something for him and for you. Maybe I can at least give you some reassurance that feeling overwhelmed by a depressed spouse is normal? When he gets through this, odds are good that he will love you for sticking by him even if he’s too embarressed to say so. Keep trying to make your decisions based off of his good, but remember that taking care of yourself is part of his good.
God bless your family and help you and your DH find some peace and resolution in this painful trial.
-Ethel
) but I did find somewhat accidentally while trying it for appertite control that it helps shake me out of the extended “blues” that I seem to fall in too periodically. I’ve read that 5-HTP is supposedly a pre-cursor to some mood-regulating brain chemcials.
