Church or family first?

[Catolico_Romano]

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

As some of you have read in my other threads, my wife has completely separated herself from the Catholic Church, and now considers herself plain Christian. She’s very, very anti-Catholic. She claims Catholics are not Christians, and that they are hell-bound.

I’m choosing to remain Catholic, practicing, learning more about my faith, and for the first time, understanding this great gift that I was born into.

But since my wife doesn’t want me to take my children to Mass, and she doesn’t want my 7-year-old daughter to attend Cathechism (where, btw, my mother-in-law is a Catechist in the parish where my daughter would attend), I feel that I’m putting the Church before family. I know that it is her who is separating herself from our faith, from our family history, and from our generation-old background.

I know this, but I just can’t stop thinking that this is separating our family. My wife hasn’t been to any church services, Protestant or otherwise, in weeks, because she now says that even Protestants are too close to Catholicism.

Am I wrong for feeling this guilt, that I should just give up, and not even go to any church, too?

She’s been challenging a lot, about me remaining a Catholic. She says that I’m in error, that I believe lies. This has put some doubts in my about Catholicism. For example, that I need a priest for Confession in order to go to Heaven. (This is one of her arguments that the Church tries to manipulate people).

Please advice.
My family is very important to me.
Catolico Romano

 

[Inquiringperson]

This is a matter of who is more important, God or family. You must believe that God is more important. If you believe that the Catholic Church is the true church, then you have an obligation to follow the teachings of the Church. That means you should go to Mass every Sunday. You also have an obligation to teach your kids to be Catholic. I understand this will be hard, but please follow this post. I also encourage you to talk to a priest about this. If I’m wrong, someone please correct me.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

As some of you have read in my other threads, my wife has completely separated herself from the Catholic Church, and now considers herself plain Christian. She’s very, very anti-Catholic. She claims Catholics are not Christians, and that they are hell-bound.

I’m choosing to remain Catholic, practicing, learning more about my faith, and for the first time, understanding this great gift that I was born into.

But since my wife doesn’t want me to take my children to Mass, and she doesn’t want my 7-year-old daughter to attend Cathechism (where, btw, my mother-in-law is a Catechist in the parish where my daughter would attend), I feel that I’m putting the Church before family. I know that it is her who is separating herself from our faith, from our family history, and from our generation-old background.

I know this, but I just can’t stop thinking that this is separating our family. My wife hasn’t been to any church services, Protestant or otherwise, in weeks, because she now says that even Protestants are too close to Catholicism.

Am I wrong for feeling this guilt, that I should just give up, and not even go to any church, too?

She’s been challenging a lot, about me remaining a Catholic. She says that I’m in error, that I believe lies. This has put some doubts in my about Catholicism. For example, that I need a priest for Confession in order to go to Heaven. (This is one of her arguments that the Church tries to manipulate people).

Please advice.
My family is very important to me.
Catolico Romano

Hi,

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it must be hard. I suspect there is a reason your wife has started feeling the way she has, and it may be worth going through joint counseling to try to figure out why that is and to help come to terms with her new beliefs. It may also be worth discussing this issue with a priest (by yourself if she won’t come) and seeing if he has any advice.

That said, it does not make sense to turn from the truth, from the fullness of Christian faith that God has revealed to us, just because your wife wants you to. Denying what you know to be true about God (the Catholic faith) is in fact a partial denial of God Himself, which is bad in absolutely every circumstances.

And by remaining faithful to God and His Church, you cannot be said to be guilty of causing family strife in any case. As a Catholic, when you married you made a promise to raise your children Catholic (as did your wife) and refusing to capitulate to demands to abandon your word and act in ways that you know to be contrary to God’s revealed truth is not a crime - even if strife comes of it. That said, it is perfectly natural to feel guilty. No one likes conflict, and you can see a way to at least lessen it that you could take. It is just that that way is not morally permissible.

That God comes before family “calmness” is mentioned again and again in the Bible. Isaac in the OT, the “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” thing in Luke, etc. That said, truly following God, while perhaps making things hard for your family in worldly terms, is never truly going against what would be best for your family in eternal terms. In your case, you may avoid strife, but you would deny your children the fullness of God’s truth, which is more important.

I really do recommend trying to discuss with your wife her new found hatred of the Church though and trying to find its root cause.

With regards to her objection that you listed here - breaking the seal of confession is a serious crime. From wikipedia:

"According to Roman Catholic Canon law, “The sacramental seal is inviolable; therefore it is absolutely forbidden for a confessor to betray in any way a penitent in words or in any manner and for any reason.” (983 §1) The confessor is always an ordained priest, because in the Catholic Church only ordained priests can absolve sins; lay confession is not recognized. Priests may not reveal what they have learned during confession to anyone, even under the threat of their own death or that of others. For a priest to break confidentiality would lead to a latae sententiae (automatic) excommunication, the lifting of which is reserved to the Holy See—in fact, to the Pope himself (Code of Canon Law, 1388 §1).

So if by “manipulate” she meant “blackmail,” that does not happen. If she meant something else, it becomes a theological question that I won’t side track to get into.

 

[Edmundus1581]

I am so sorry to hear this. You may well be at the beginning of very serious problems in your marriage, faith and family.

To me it’s a big red flag that your wife should be so disrespectful of your faith - one spouse should never treat another like that.

My wife started to resist the Catholic faith, and then to increasingly reject it and scorn it. It is almost impossible for a father to raise the children in faith if the wife resists, because she simply makes it impossible to get to Mass or say family prayers - she has that power in the household.

I made the big mistake of putting my “wife first”, rather than my Church or faith. Humanly speaking, I couldn’t bear the loneliness of being the only Catholic in the marriage. In the end I lost my own faith, and my marriage also. She decided that there was no more to life than enjoying it here and now, and that she would enjoy it more with someone else.

With hindsight, I wish I had seen the danger signs early and had worked harder at maintaining my faith and prayer life despite my wife’s apostasy. If she chose to fight that then that would have been her problem, not mine, and I gained nothing by appeasement.

It looks to me that you are already in a very bad situation. Get help soon. I would suggest that you talk to your parish priest. You may well need this to maintain your sanity in the future. A wife who is openly hostile to her husband’s religion can undermine him in every way.

 

[robwar]

Do you know where your wife is getting these ideas from? Is she reading seventh day adventist stuff? off the internet? She can’t dominate what you are doing with your faith and your daughter.

 

[babygirl6152]

I am so sorry. I can imagine your pain. My parents were of mixed faith marriage all the years I grew up but momma was faithful to help raise us in the faith since she promised early on…it was very hard on them.

Something has hardened her heart. Be tough and bull right through, and take the kiddos to catechism. Your children are watching how you handle this crisis. Show them God comes first. They will never forget it.

 

[carn]

But since my wife doesn’t want me to take my children to Mass, and she doesn’t want my 7-year-old daughter to attend Cathechism (where, btw, my mother-in-law is a Catechist in the parish where my daughter would attend), I feel that I’m putting the Church before family.

Remind her that father and mother must be honored and ask her how your daughter is supposed to learn that, if the mother does not allow the daughter to accompany the father to activity sacred to him, because she thinks he is an idiot fooled by some sinister organization.

Furthermore ask her what she thinks your daughter should learn about christianity and try to find common ground (e.g. praying with her the Lords prayer, which as a christian your wife should have no objections against). Regarding the non-common ground, suggest to you wife that both of you do not object the other side to show your daughter the own side of the issue, if it is done respectful (e.g. you take your daughter to mass, while your wife does with your daughter whatever she does to follow the command to honor Sunday.) If your wife has suggestions for honoring Sunday, which are acceptable for you, e.g. spend some time praying, join your wife and your daughter. If your wife does not honor Sunday at all (which i am a bit inclined to suspect) suggest to your wife, that if she is christian and yet does not teach your daughter undeniable basic christian obligations, then its probably better, that you try to teach her about christianity even if your version is in her eyes somwhat misguided.

Am I wrong for feeling this guilt, that I should just give up, and not even go to any church, too?

Go to church. Accept her rants against the church silently, but attend mass.

For example, that I need a priest for Confession in order to go to Heaven. (This is one of her arguments that the Church tries to manipulate people).

You do not need Confession in order to go to Heaven in roughly the same sense as you do not need safety belts and airbags and minding the speed limit to survive crashing into a wall. Nonetheless its still wrong to skip safety belts and airbags and drive too fast and anyone trying to teach the world about driving safely should place a strong emphasize on using safety belts and airbags and driving not too fast. Same with the church, they put a strong emphass on confession, because its the much safer way to live.

 

[fordhamstudent]

In the modern age doubt is exalted as wisdom and your wife is experiencing our culture of doubt. She is probably reacting to problems in the marriage and is using this to get your attention. What she is telling you by doing this is that she wants changes to happen in your marriage. What changes need to be made are between you and her. But, this really isn’t a matter of her rejecting the Catholic Faith it is a matter of her rejecting something important to YOU. And she can manipulate you and make you angry if she challenges this important part of your life.

On a prayer level pray the Rosary everyday for your marriage and the peace of the home and her restoration to the sacraments of the Church. On a practical level put her actions in context as acting out behaviors which she is using to make you sit up and pay attention to issues she has with you–once you listen and try to change, if her demands are authentic, things will get better, but if she is just trying to be manipulative then forget it–only prayer to the Blessed Mother will work. I don’t give to much credence to therapy since it may only make things worse and become a bully pulpit for her to let you know how in no uncertain terms how she REALLY feels about you. Most people leave the Church today less for theological reasons and more because of side issues or even that Father so-and-so din’t shake their hands after Mass. In this day and age people arbitrarily leave religions for the most mundane and superficial reasons or just for sheer boredom. You have my prayers man, you really do!

 

[Inquiringperson]

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

As some of you have read in my other threads, my wife has completely separated herself from the Catholic Church, and now considers herself plain Christian. She’s very, very anti-Catholic. She claims Catholics are not Christians, and that they are hell-bound.

I’m choosing to remain Catholic, practicing, learning more about my faith, and for the first time, understanding this great gift that I was born into.

But since my wife doesn’t want me to take my children to Mass, and she doesn’t want my 7-year-old daughter to attend Cathechism (where, btw, my mother-in-law is a Catechist in the parish where my daughter would attend), I feel that I’m putting the Church before family. I know that it is her who is separating herself from our faith, from our family history, and from our generation-old background.

I know this, but I just can’t stop thinking that this is separating our family. My wife hasn’t been to any church services, Protestant or otherwise, in weeks, because she now says that even Protestants are too close to Catholicism.

Am I wrong for feeling this guilt, that I should just give up, and not even go to any church, too?

She’s been challenging a lot, about me remaining a Catholic. She says that I’m in error, that I believe lies. This has put some doubts in my about Catholicism. For example, that I need a priest for Confession in order to go to Heaven. (This is one of her arguments that the Church tries to manipulate people).

Please advice.
My family is very important to me.
Catolico Romano

As others have said in your previous threads, you should consider marriage counseling. Good luck!

 

[odgers]

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

Am I wrong for feeling this guilt, that I should just give up, and not even go to any church, too?

She’s been challenging a lot, about me remaining a Catholic. She says that I’m in error, that I believe lies. This has put some doubts in my about Catholicism. For example, that I need a priest for Confession in order to go to Heaven. (This is one of her arguments that the Church tries to manipulate people).

Please advice.
My family is very important to me.
Catolico Romano

Dear Catolico Romano,

God is Love, we are to love God above all things, and this even means our own families! It is a hard concept to get at first but through our love of God first and foremost we can more fully love others, including our own family.

Giving up your faith and not attending Mass every Sunday is a mortal sin! Mortal sin makes you an enemy of God. Don’t reject God when you need Him most!!! Give God His just adoration as your Creator and at the same time show great love, tenderness and kindness to your wife, bring her back to you and to God and the One True Church.

As I suggested in an older post, seek the advice of a good priest!
And go to Mass, Confession and Eucharistic Adoration as often as you can!!! There are many graces to be received from these great Sacraments and of course, through prayer!
Praying for you and your family,
Carol

Confession is not something that was just made up by mere humans, Jesus Christ left us this great Sacrament and He gave the apostles (our first bishops) the power to act in His place on earth. Jesus knows what we need! Humans need physical signs, and other humans to talk to and share with and this is exactly what the Sacraments give us.

catholic.com/tracts/confession (Catholic Answers has a lot of Tracts with the Church’s stamp of approval - not mere chat rooms - that quote Scripture and are specifically there to help us defend our Faith.)

Start reading about, knowing and understanding your Faith. You can only love God and the Church more dearly for it AND you can defend your Faith and plant that seed in your wife’s heart again by your confidence and knowledge. Be patient with God during your trial and take action - arm yourself with knowledge and pray, pray, pray!