Church Schedule in a Mixed Family

[BrokenPlatter]

I’m Catholic, my husband is Protestant, and we have a baby boy. We’ve been married for almost two years now, and up until this point our compromise has been to alternate Sundays between our churches. However, I’ve felt a bit removed from the Church, not going every Sunday anymore, so this weekend (a Protestant weekend) I decided to go with our baby to early Mass before the service.

I talked about it with my husband the day before, and his only concern was that he didn’t want to have to go to two services on Sunday. I assured him that I didn’t expect him to go to Mass with me on the “off” weekends. It was just something I felt like I needed to do.

When the baby and I got back from Mass this morning, my husband seemed a little down. He blamed it on being a little tired, but later in conversation it came up that he was bothered by my needing to supplement the weekend with Mass. Mostly, he said, he was concerned that this might be a first step toward us not all going to church together, because he expects that our son will fight going to church twice on the same weekend when he gets a little older, especially if Daddy doesn’t have to. He assumes that I’ll of course still want to go to Mass every weekend, leaving me to go to mine and he to his, and our kids to one or the other.

He says that ultimately he will respect my decision and support me if I want to take the kids with me, but now I’m not sure what to do. On one hand, I want to attend Mass every week, and I want that for our son, too. On the other hand, I know marriage involves compromise, and while I’m not sure it would play out like he fears, I don’t want to do something that drives a wedge between us, especially spiritually.

What should I do?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He must have agreed not to impede you in raising your children as Catholics, or you couldn’t have married him in the Church. So he must not only allow you to take your children to Mass, he must not undermine your teaching them and getting them ready for sacraments, and receiving those sacraments.

This is why mixed marriages are a bad idea.

 

[1ke]

Mass is not optional. You must attend Mass on every Sunday and Holy Day of Obligation. There can be no compromise on this. if you have not been doing so, you need to also go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Yes, you can also attend your husband’s services, but you must attend Mass. Many in mixed marriages attend Saturday evening and then attend Sunday with their non-Catholic spouse.

In order to receive permission for a mixed marriage, a Catholic promises to raise their children in the Catholic faith. Have you had your child baptized in the Catholic Church? Your child, once he reaches the age of reason, will also be obligated to attend Mass.

I am a little puzzled as to how and why this was not all decided prior to marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

He must have agreed not to impede you in raising your children as Catholics, or you couldn’t have married him in the Church. So he must not only allow you to take your children to Mass, he must not undermine your teaching them and getting them ready for sacraments, and receiving those sacraments.

This is why mixed marriages are a bad idea.

I thought that the non Catholic spouse was just made aware of the Catholic spouse’s obligation to raise the children Catholic to the greatest extent possible but had to make no promises to help/not impede themselves.

Chances are that your kids will end up with very weak or no faith. If the parents can’t agree on the truth, why should the child believe it?

You go to mass every week and attend church every other week with your husband too. Every other week he will attend with you. The kids should probably just alternate weeks for a while until they are old enough to pick which one they are the most comfortable in.

No, that isn’t the way that its supposed to be from a Catholic perspective, but good luck telling a father that he is not to pass on his religious beliefs and practices to his children but his wife can. A broken, angry, and resentful home is not good for kids either.

And yes, this is exactly why mixed marriages are a bad idea if you can’t stand the thought of your kids being exposed to and taught another religion.

 

[BrokenPlatter]

We talked a lot about religion when our relationship started to look long-term. Before getting married, we wanted to have an idea of how things would work out. We attended each other’s churches while dating and had long discussions each Sunday about the readings and any differences we might have in our beliefs. While there are still some things that we don’t agree on, I think we’ve both grown in our understanding of certain things by being able to look at them from different angles. Neither of us considers the other’s church to be bad for the children or anything like that. After all, we are both Christian, and both churches ultimately have the same goals. Still, it’s an ongoing and sometimes delicate journey to come to the right balance. We came up with the alternating weekends plan before getting married, but like a lot of other things it was theory at the time. We’ve spent the past two years doing a lot of tweaking of our plans now that we’re “out in the field,” so to speak.

Before getting married in the Catholic Church, I had to promise in writing that I would do all in my power to have our children baptized and to raise them in the Catholic faith. My husband only had to accept that I would make that promise. He had no issue with our future children being baptized Catholic.

To both of us, the most important thing is to raise our children in a peaceful, Christian home. Regarding the obligation to attend Mass on Sunday, I have also wondered if this is an obligation to attend Mass specifically, or to attend a service in devotion to God and listen to the Scripture. I know the Eucharist is not present in Protestant services, but I thought the official requirement there was to receive at least once a year, preferably during Easter. Of course, I wouldn’t feel right limiting it nearly that much, but as far as official guidelines go, I’ve been confused on that.

Thank you for all of the advice. It isn’t always easy, but we are determined to come to a point that satisfies our faiths and our relationship.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Mass is required, a Protestant service does not count for your obligation.

You and your husband sound like a wonderful and loving couple who really stand by each other and help each other grow. The support you give each other is fantastic. I’m sorry if I judged you harshly earlier.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It is actually an obligation to attend a Catholic Mass, no other church gathering fulfills your obligation. It is not just for your sake, but for the Body of Christ - you need to be present. And if you are in a state of grace, receiving the Eucharist will strengthen you too.

So to review: You MUST attend Mass on Sunday, every Sunday. There is no obligation to receive the Eucharist EVERY Sunday, but many Catholics do so because it is a grace-transmitting sacrament. You must receive at least once a year, though.

 

[anp1215]

We talked a lot about religion when our relationship started to look long-term. Before getting married, we wanted to have an idea of how things would work out. We attended each other’s churches while dating and had long discussions each Sunday about the readings and any differences we might have in our beliefs. While there are still some things that we don’t agree on, I think we’ve both grown in our understanding of certain things by being able to look at them from different angles. Neither of us considers the other’s church to be bad for the children or anything like that. After all, we are both Christian, and both churches ultimately have the same goals. Still, it’s an ongoing and sometimes delicate journey to come to the right balance. We came up with the alternating weekends plan before getting married, but like a lot of other things it was theory at the time. We’ve spent the past two years doing a lot of tweaking of our plans now that we’re “out in the field,” so to speak.

Before getting married in the Catholic Church, I had to promise in writing that I would do all in my power to have our children baptized and to raise them in the Catholic faith. My husband only had to accept that I would make that promise. He had no issue with our future children being baptized Catholic.

To both of us, the most important thing is to raise our children in a peaceful, Christian home. Regarding the obligation to attend Mass on Sunday, I have also wondered if this is an obligation to attend Mass specifically, or to attend a service in devotion to God and listen to the Scripture. I know the Eucharist is not present in Protestant services, but I thought the official requirement there was to receive at least once a year, preferably during Easter. Of course, I wouldn’t feel right limiting it nearly that much, but as far as official guidelines go, I’ve been confused on that.

Thank you for all of the advice. It isn’t always easy, but we are determined to come to a point that satisfies our faiths and our relationship.

Hi,

as Catholics we are obligated to attend Mass every Sunday and Holy day of obligation (Saturday evening counts towards Sunday for obligation). We are obligated to receive Eucharist only once a year during the Easter season, but we are obligated to attend Mass every Sunday and holy day of obligation.

 

[BrokenPlatter]

You and your husband sound like a wonderful and loving couple who really stand by each other and help each other grow. The support you give each other is fantastic. I’m sorry if I judged you harshly earlier.

Thanks I totally understand. I left a lot out in the original post and only really focused the negative. After a few responses I realized I should probably include a bit of back story.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I’m so glad such a wonderful forum exists for clarification on things like this.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

As an adult Catholic, you have the obligation to attend mass every week. For a very young child of course there will be no moral culpability on their part if they are not taken to mass, but at some point it does become a grave obligation for them as well.

I have a Catholic aunt and Protestant uncle who had a very similar arrangement to the one you describe. They alternated between Catholic masses and Methodist services, and the children were taught to think of themselves as half Catholic and half Methodist.

There was an amusing, or disturbing, depending on your interpretation, incident in which at the mass for her First Communion the priest said some words to each child individually. Coming to my oldest cousin, he said something about expecting to see her every week at mass, and she said “oh, no Father, I’m half Methodist. I have to go to Sunday School!”

Anyway, this particular cousin has grown up to be more or less an areligious secularist and her sister a strident atheist. The youngest sibling is still in high school and I don’t know what his religious views are. My point is that if a child is brought up in two religious traditions it does not bode well for the likelihood of them ultimately accepting either of them as an adult.

There’s no point in dwelling on the prudence of marriage to a non-Catholic after you are already married to one, and I wouldn’t be comfortable making blanket statements on the subject anyway. But I would certainly encourage you to speak to your husband about how important Catholicism is to you and your desire, if I interpret you correctly, to raise your children specifically as Catholics.

 

[1ke]

Regarding the obligation to attend Mass on Sunday, I have also wondered if this is an obligation to attend Mass specifically

Yes, it is.

or to attend a service in devotion to God and listen to the Scripture.

No, not at all. This does not substitute for Mass. The obligation is to assist at Mass.

You should talk to your priest in confession regarding missing mass.

I know the Eucharist is not present in Protestant services, but I thought the official requirement there was to receive at least once a year, preferably during Easter.

Receive the Eucharist, yes. Attend Mass, no. Your obligation is to attend Mass every Sunday and Holy Day of Obligation. You can receive the Eucharist when you are in a state of grace, having gone to confession for all grave sins. Even when you cannot receive the Eucharist, your obligation to attend Mass remains.

 

[Aggies08]

For the time being, how about attending a vigil mass (Sat night) on your DH’s Sunday’s? THen Sunday is free for his church.

Long term, you guys will probably need to come to a consensus on where to attend, especially as the child grows, asks questions, and realizes the churches teach different beliefs. God doesn’t contradict himself.

 

[benjohnson]

. I know the Eucharist is not present in Protestant services

Sounds like your husband is going to a rather poor church indeed. If that’s truly the case (and you’re not mis-understanding it), As a Lutheran, I would urge you to do all that you can to bring your child up in the Catholic church. In my opinion, It is very important that your child not gown up thinking that the sacrament is just a “remembrance.”

Two thought spring to mind:

Perhaps if you can’t persuade him to join the Catholic church, you could get him to at least go to a better church.

Have you explored finding a Catholic church that has a service more like what he’s used to as a way of weening him off the other church?

Good luck!

 

[1ke]

Sounds like your husband is going to a rather poor church indeed. If that’s truly the case (and you’re not mis-understanding it), As a Lutheran, I would urge you to do all that you can to bring your child up in the Catholic church. In my opinion, It is very important that your child not gown up thinking that the sacrament is just a “remembrance.”

Two thought spring to mind:

Perhaps if you can’t persuade him to join the Catholic church, you could get him to at least go to a better church.

Have you explored finding a Catholic church that has a service more like what he’s used to as a way of weening him off the other church?

Good luck!

I’m sure you realize that the Catholic Church’s position is that the Eucharist isn’t confected in the Lutheran ecclesial community either, since Lutherans do not have valid Holy Orders.

 

[benjohnson]

I’m sure you realize that the Catholic Church’s position is that the Eucharist isn’t confected in the Lutheran ecclesial community either, since Lutherans do not have valid Holy Orders.

Agreed, that the Catholic teaching about Lutherans.

What I was I trying to confer that if the husband refuses to join the Catholic church, then at least he should be persuaded to join a church that at least comes closer to Catholic teaching so that the children don’t get too many conflicting messages.

 

[BrokenPlatter]

Sounds like your husband is going to a rather poor church indeed. If that’s truly the case (and you’re not mis-understanding it), As a Lutheran, I would urge you to do all that you can to bring your child up in the Catholic church. In my opinion, It is very important that your child not gown up thinking that the sacrament is just a “remembrance.”
Good luck!

Thank you for bringing this up. I thought that this was the clean line that separated Catholics from all other Protestants, but my husband was adamant in one of our discussions that Lutherans also believe in the True Presence in the Eucharist. Neither of us are Lutheran, so we’ve both been curious since then to learn the truth about it.

My husband’s biggest complaints about the Catholic church are not theological, so it’s possible that he would be happy attending the right type of Mass. There have been some Catholic churches that he has liked more than others, but so far we haven’t found a perfect fit.

Basically, he finds the Mass to be very un-engaging. Not that he feels that he’s there to be entertained, but the structured and pre-scripted nature of the Mass is something he hasn’t been able to connect with. Likewise, the structure of the church itself is something he is uncomfortable with, coming from a church with an almost non-existent hierarchy. He has been put off by rules that he sees as “bureaucratic,” like my obligation to sign the promise that I would strive to raise the children Catholic, and the RCIA process. Where he comes from, Christians and non-Christians who want to join the church need only come up to the front during the service. With that background, he doesn’t understand why someone who wants to become Catholic is required to sign up for a program on a particular schedule, and can’t just join when they feel ready.

Theologically, there is very little that we disagree on. He is “on the fence” about the Eucharist, and most other things that we thought were differences have ended up being the same belief, just looked at from different angles. I hope that this helps us to avoid the contradictions that can drive young people from the faith entirely. We’ve been trying very hard to come to a point where we can teach our children together in a way that won’t be confusing to them.

After more discussion on the church schedule, he says that it won’t bother him if I want to continue going to Mass every week, nor if I want to bring the baby. He has asked, though, that when our son is old enough to protest, that I let Mass on the service weekends be optional for him. He’s afraid that the conflict and resulting tension from forcing (and why doesn’t Daddy have to go) might do more harm than good.

 

[1ke]

He has asked, though, that when our son is old enough to protest, that I let Mass on the service weekends be optional for him. He’s afraid that the conflict and resulting tension from forcing (and why doesn’t Daddy have to go) might do more harm than good.

I hope you understand why this is not possible. Your child, once over the age of reason (and especially after First Communion) has the same obligation as you and all Catholics-- to attend Mass on all Holy Days and Sundays. It isn’t optional. It is grave matter. As for harm-- what can be more harmful than mortal sin to the soul?

Hopefully, you will have arrived at a solution before you must decline this request.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I hope you understand why this is not possible. Your child, once over the age of reason (and especially after First Communion) has the same obligation as you and all Catholics-- to attend Mass on all Holy Days and Sundays. It isn’t optional. It is grave matter. As for harm-- what can be more harmful than mortal sin to the soul?

Hopefully, you will have arrived at a solution before you must decline this request.

What you and many others fail to realize is that she doesn’t get to just decline this request. This is not a misguided relative, this is her husband and their father. If he wants to pass on his beliefs just like she does she cannot unilaterally prevent it. That’s the price you pay when you marry outside of your faith.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

1ke and BlueEyedLady are both right. You must take your child to Mass when he’s older, and your going to have to gain your husband’s agreement to that. But you do have sometime to work on that.

Your child doesn’t have to go to Mass right now, but will when he is an “adult”- the age of reason is considered about 7yo by the Church and that’s when most children receive First Reconcilliation and First Holy Communion.

I think it is wonderful that you and your husband are so engaged in your faith and are regularly discussing what you learn in church (and hopefully outside of church). Use this to help your husband learn the truth about the Catholic Church. Start here on this site to find out more about the differences and similarities between his denomination and the Catholic Church.

You can also begin to learn more about the Mass and why it is the way it is. There is a certain amount of alllowed variation in how the Mass is celebrated, and he may be more comfortable with certain a priest, so a bit of “shopping around” is understandable in this situation.

You will also want to look at the Mass schedules at the local parishes to find a Mass time that you can attend on the “off” weeks that will be the least disruptive to your husband and child at this point. As the Catholic with the obligation to attend (for the good of your soul), you need to make the sacrifice to attend early in the morning or naptime, or whenever. If you have a college chapel nearby, they may even have a late evening Sunday Mass that would work well for you.

 

[BettyBoop416]

Before getting married in the Catholic Church, I had to promise in writing that I would do all in my power to have our children baptized and to raise them in the Catholic faith. My husband only had to accept that I would make that promise. He had no issue with our future children being baptized Catholic.

As one who is also in a (very happy) mixed-faith marriage, I find these types of threads interesting. I enjoy seeing how other couples cope.

Just one question: Was your child, in fact, baptized in the Catholic Church? Your statement above is unclear…to me, anyway.