Church won't marry us

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Renton405

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Im in an extremely difficult problem. Apparently me and my fiance were getting ready to get married in my church, we took the pre-Cana retreat, the focus test, counseling, etc. Now about a month before the date I find out that I cannot get married because I didn’t take RCIA and I have to complete it before they will marry us(I don’t have the records of confirmation). So now Im enrolled in RCIA and I find out that I won’t be finished with it until April of 2008 even though our marriage date is set for September 2007. My fiancee refuses to wait that long so she is going to get a pastor to marry us(she is non-catholic) and then said we could re-new our vows in the church once I finish RCIA(if the church will even let us do this). I am very angry because I feel very rejected by the church and they made me feel as if im not an “Official” Catholic because I haven’t taken RCIA(I felt my faith was being insulted and it was demeaning), and it says nowhere in the Code of Canan law or the Cathecism that I absolutly HAVE to take RCIA in order to be fully Catholic…
 
I’m a little confused. Are you Catholic? Do you simply not have a record of confirmation?
 
Yes I am… but I joined the church when I was an adult. I was told confirmation was for children and It wasn’t required…
 
I am also confused. One does not have to be **confirmed **in order to marry. Are you a baptized Catholic who was never raised as a Catholic? Is that why you need RCIA? Have you made your first communion?
 
I didn’t have anything recorded. Thats what the problem is. And they won’t take my word. I was baptized as an infant, thats the only record I have…When I joined the church I did confession and then I started going to Mass regularly after that…
 
Also, if you and your fiance marry outside the Catholic Church the marriage will of course be legal but it will not be valid and it will not be recognized by the church–not because the church is a big old meanie but simply because if you are a Catholic, it is your responsibility as a Catholic to marry in the Church. If you don’t, you are indeed breaking a church law and the church has the right to insist on holding you responsible for it. True, IF later on you and your then-wife wish to reconcile with the Church you can have your marriage convalidated, but until then you will be living in mortal sin, you should not receive the sacraments as that is further mortal sin, and you really cannot ‘count on’ not being ‘called to account’ (heaven forbid) if you die before the convalidation.

Still, I am hoping that this is just a misunderstanding somewhere in the ‘bureaucracy’. Again, you do not HAVE to be confirmed though it is certainly preferable for you to be so. I’m pretty sure somebody here can find the documentation that you do not have to be confirmed and you can bring it up to the bishop if you have to. But don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater and let a ‘human’ misunderstanding turn you away from God Himself in the Church.
 
Were you Baptised in the Catholic when you were an infant?

Peace and God bless!
 
They won’t let me get anything recorded(confirmation) until after I finish RCIA. So I have to wait all the way till April 2008…And my fiancee refuses to do that…so Im forced to go to her pastor…
 
Hmmm, you haven’t had first communion? This is quite a sticky situation. As far as records, what about enlisting your parents’ support? Surely there is something somewhere. . .if not a record, a letter talking about your baptism, perhaps your family came over for the celebration, perhaps there are family friends or families of your school friends who remember seeing or hearing about this. Parishes keep records, and even if you can’t tie down to a particular parish, if you even have the state–or the general area (Northeast U.S., somewhere in the lower 48 even!) it might take time to go through the parish registers but unless the records were destroyed in fire or flood or other catastrophe, there WILL BE A RECORD.
 
Have the Pastor marry you now, when you are finally confirmed, then have the marriage validated in the church.

When I was married to my wife, I was not a Catholic yet, and we were married in a different church, and I remember when my wife and myself had our marriage validated in the church.
It was right before a morning mass, the little old ladies were sitting in the pews there watching us, and then when my pregnant wife turned around to kiss me, you could hear the women gasp. 😛
 
What do you mean, they won’t let you get anything recorded?
 
I did regular Mass after confession. My Catholic friends said I didnt need to do first communion or confirmation because I was an adult,They already have my baptism certificate, but I was baptized in a non catholic church as an infant
 
Renton405 said:
Yes I am… but I joined the church when I was an adult. I was told confirmation was for children and It wasn’t required…
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How did you join the church as an adult and not go through the RCIA process at that time?

There seems to be many irregularities in your situation, not just a lack of confirmation…

If you joined the church as an adult, what church was that What church have you been attending each Sunday and for how long have you been an active practicing catholic in this parish? What does your parish priest say about your situation?

I would not seek help here in the CAF but talk to your priest, obtain all the records for the parish where you were received into the church.

If you have not been actively participating in a parish and are unregistered, and not fully initiated [as in began the process and did not complete it - or whatever the case may have been - perhaps you were not even at a truely catholic church - if they told you confirmation was only for children not adults - very bad catechetical advice] then RCIA might truely be the most approriate course if you are being called to be catholic.

If you are not a member of a parish and regularly attending mass, why would yu seek a church wedding?

Your post creates more questions than it can expect answers to – for which I am sorry as that probably just adds to your frustrations :console:

Please contact the nearest priest and get some real answers to all of your questions…start with the Sacraments of Initiation [Baptism, Confirmation and Eucharist]…what is your status…then move on from there to the Sacrament of Marriage…

Also, RCIA might be beneficial to you fiancee, even if they do not want to become catholic…a mixed marriage [Catholic and non Catholic] comes with its own complexities…the more you know about each others faith the better and as it ppears you have much to learn about your own faith, learning together might be very enlightening for both of you…Keeping you in my prayers 🙂
 
I am a registered parishner. Ive been going to Mass for about 2 years,I didn’t have any initiation rites though because after I registered I started going to Mass regularly, no one called me from the church so I assumed I didn’t have to do anything like RCIA
 
Goodness, I am sorry that your Catholic friends unintentionally misled you. No doubt that led to your assumption that you didn’t need to do ‘first communion’, to your ‘just going to Mass’, and to your going through preCana being seen (until the time came for you to provide the documents) as just like any other Catholic.

Now I am sure that your faith probably surpasses mine, and I’m sure that you probably know more than I do about many things, so this is totally not trying to judge you.

But. . .unfortunately. . . it appears that not only were you not baptized as a Catholic (though indeed your baptism is valid, all trinitarian baptisms are valid Christian baptisms), you also had no instruction (formally) as a Catholic.

You really do need RCIA–not because you don’t ‘know the faith’, but because in order to be a Catholic there is more to it than just ‘knowing’ the faith. There is practicing the faith AS a Catholic. There are the sacraments which Catholics of the age of reason (over 7) need to have received.

It is indeed very unfortunate. Right now, you are not legally (according to the Church) Catholic. I am very sorry that there were so many misunderstandings that came about!

I second the advice to see a good priest. As it stands, if you were not baptized as a Catholic, you really cannot have a “Catholic wedding’”. In a way that makes it easier for you if your fiancee will not wait. You can marry her in a Protestant church of her choice, then go through RCIA and once you have become Catholic, you and she can convalidate your marriage. You will not be in sin if you marry in a non Catholic ceremony if YOU ARE NOT CATHOLIC YET. But you do need to stop going to Communion in the Catholic Church until next Easter if you go through RCIA.
 
Renton405 said:
They won’t let me get anything recorded(confirmation) until after I finish RCIA. So I have to wait all the way till April 2008…
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If you have not been received into the Church officially and correctly, then you are not Catholic and that’s why you have to wait until you are Catholic to be married in the Catholic Church.

If you were baptized as a Catholic then you ARE Catholic, and as others have pointed out Confirmation is not absolutely required for marriage-- you could appeal to the bishop.

Either way, if the Bishop allows it there are some things they can do to get you confirmed before spring of 08. But, you need a good reason, but “because my non-Catholic girlfriend is holding me hostage” is not a reason I suggest you take to the bishop.

I suggest you contact someone at the diocesan office and explain your situation and see what they say.
Renton405 said:
And my fiancee refuses to do that…so Im forced to go to her pastor…
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No, you are not being FORCED to go to her pastor. You are choosing not to be obedient to what your pastor says you must do. Your fiancee “refuses” to help to do the right thing for your faith. Hmmm… bad start to a marriage.
 
Please remember that being a ‘registered member’ of a parish does not necessarily mean that you are a Catholic. My father (Episcopalian) was registered along with his (Catholic) children all the years I was growing up though he only came to Mass on Christmas and Easter and never received communion.
 
Your post about being baptized in a non catholic church speaks volumes…did you make a profession of faith?

It seems like you are not a Catholic but have just attended mass a few times…your friends have given you bad advice 😦 I am so sorry that this is causing you stress…RCIA does seem the best for you and your situation.
 
I think this is important enough to repeat.

According to you, Renton,
They already have my baptism certificate, but I was baptized in a non catholic church as an infant
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IOW, you are not a baptized Catholic. And if you ‘joined’ a church without going to RCIA, without having your first communion, etc., even if you did so thinking this was all right, you still are not truly a member yet.
 
You can marry her in a Protestant church of her choice, then go through RCIA and once you have become Catholic, you and she can convalidate your marriage. You will not be in sin if you marry in a non Catholic ceremony if YOU ARE NOT CATHOLIC YET. But you do need to stop going to Communion in the Catholic Church until next Easter if you go through RCIA.
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Thank you so much. This makes me feel alot better. I will feel bad not being able to take communion because its something Ive done for 2 years now… I am really angry at my friends for this, it has ruined all the preparations Ive made for the wedding.
 
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