Civil Ceremony now. Convalidation/reception next year?

[DanielleMarie]

My fiance and I are considering having a courthouse wedding this summer for the sake of having health insurance. We have a 1 month old son together, the pregnancy was complicated, we had an emergency delivery. All is well now, but fiance has just graduated from school and is being offered a job that covers health insurance for the entire family at NO COST to the employee/family. I cannot afford health insurance at my job, and now that I am no longer pregnant, I will have to purchase it from somewhere.

I just graduated nursing school/got a job last year, and he has just graduated/got a job, so we are JUST STARTING to get on our feet financially after three years. We could not have done it without each other.

Our thought is to get married in the courthouse for insurance purposes this summer, and next summer when we can afford to invite guests to a celebration, have a convalidation/reception.

How we understand it, and how we would explain it to our guests, is something along the lines of: “We are married according to man, join us and help us celebrate as we marry before God.”

There is no feasible way to have an actual wedding this summer. This is the best we can do. It’s infuriating how much it costs to get married, and all of the expectations and traditions. If people put half the time into their marriage as they put into the wedding, the world would be a vastly different place.

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Why not get married this year, in a very simple ceremony, with just you, your husband-to-be, the priest, and two witnesses? That way you would be validly married both civilly and in the Church, and it would cost next to nothing–just $50-100 for your marriage license and a stipend of $50 or so (if you can afford it) to the priest or deacon celebrating your wedding liturgy.

Then, next year when you can afford it, have a big reception for all your friends and family, if that is what you want.

It is problematic to put off getting married in the Church because even if you are married civilly, you would not be validly married in the eyes of the Church and would not be able to live together as husband wife until your marriage is made valid. You should contact your priest as soon as possible, so that he can advise you and so that you and your fiancé can begin marriage preparation. Good luck to you!

 

[Catholic1954]

Been there. Done that. Don’t do it; it turns into a HUGE MESS. Meet with a priest now and plan for a Catholic wedding as soon as possible. You don’t need marching bands and dancing waters, just something simple for a ceremony for a few intimate guests and potluck for the reception.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My fiance and I are considering having a courthouse wedding this summer for the sake of having health insurance. We have a 1 month old son together, the pregnancy was complicated, we had an emergency delivery. All is well now, but fiance has just graduated from school and is being offered a job that covers health insurance for the entire family at NO COST to the employee/family. I cannot afford health insurance at my job, and now that I am no longer pregnant, I will have to purchase it from somewhere.

I just graduated nursing school/got a job last year, and he has just graduated/got a job, so we are JUST STARTING to get on our feet financially after three years. We could not have done it without each other.

Our thought is to get married in the courthouse for insurance purposes this summer, and next summer when we can afford to invite guests to a celebration, have a convalidation/reception.

How we understand it, and how we would explain it to our guests, is something along the lines of: “We are married according to man, join us and help us celebrate as we marry before God.”

There is no feasible way to have an actual wedding this summer. This is the best we can do. It’s infuriating how much it costs to get married, and all of the expectations and traditions. If people put half the time into their marriage as they put into the wedding, the world would be a vastly different place.

What are your thoughts on this?

One thing the Church requires for the forgiveness of sins is repentance and amendment. So, assuming that you have stopped the premarital sex and repented of the sin. What better way to show amendment than to begin doing things the right way. . This would start with getting married not for some sort of financial gain, but rather, sacramentally, and in the Church. I would think being young you would want this to happen ASAP because abstaining would be hard on you and tough on the relationship. So what you need to do is seek a priest and have a wedding IN THE CHURCH as soon as you can. Perhaps some accommodations can be made to make this happen faster than pre cana usually takes. I would avoid looking to the state to help your relationship and soul. And those are the most important things.

I am afraid this “before man and before God” thing is all backwards in your head and I would suggest you seek the real meaning of marriage as it might help you with this.

1. Marriage in the Church is NEVER about a celebration or party. It is about a sacramental union. If you are doing it to celebrate and have a party then you are missing the point.
2. The civil cerimony solves nothing. You would still be in sin if you are living as a married couple until you would really be married in the Church.

Your confusion on what marriage is is common. It is one of the reasons we have an entire population that does not understand even the most basic components of marriage. And therefore have the problems of divorce and SSM.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

And another thing. You have a child. You need to be raising this child in the faith. Showing this child what is Holy and what is profane. It is your responsibility as parents to do this. Baby or teen, too young to understand or not, you need to set the example in the faith for your baby. And one way to do this is to have a proper respect and honor of the sacraments that God Himself gave us. Your story can be a teaching tool for your kid about repentance and amendment. Or it can be the opposite, the Choice is yours.

 

[Ignatius]

My fiance and I are considering having a courthouse wedding this summer for the sake of having health insurance. We have a 1 month old son together, the pregnancy was complicated, we had an emergency delivery. All is well now, but fiance has just graduated from school and is being offered a job that covers health insurance for the entire family at NO COST to the employee/family. I cannot afford health insurance at my job, and now that I am no longer pregnant, I will have to purchase it from somewhere.

I just graduated nursing school/got a job last year, and he has just graduated/got a job, so we are JUST STARTING to get on our feet financially after three years. We could not have done it without each other.

Our thought is to get married in the courthouse for insurance purposes this summer, and next summer when we can afford to invite guests to a celebration, have a convalidation/reception.

How we understand it, and how we would explain it to our guests, is something along the lines of: “We are married according to man, join us and help us celebrate as we marry before God.”

There is no feasible way to have an actual wedding this summer. This is the best we can do. It’s infuriating how much it costs to get married, and all of the expectations and traditions. If people put half the time into their marriage as they put into the wedding, the world would be a vastly different place.

What are your thoughts on this?

You really ought to post this in the Ask An Apologist section. You can be sure that Fr. Serpa or Fr. Grodin will address your answer from an orthodox Catholic perspective.

Here’s a link: forums.catholic-questions.org/forumdisplay.php?f=4

 

[agnes_therese]

There is no feasible way to have an actual wedding this summer. This is the best we can do. It’s infuriating how much it costs to get married, and all of the expectations and traditions. If people put half the time into their marriage as they put into the wedding, the world would be a vastly different place.

What are your thoughts on this?

Sure, there is. Small and simple. As others have said, you can always have a big reception later, if you want. Combining it with an anniversary would be nice.

Keep in mind what’s really important here.

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome, Danielle! I second (or third or fourth) the advice to have a simple Church wedding now with a bigger reception later (if you want).

I am right there with you in lamenting all of the “expectations” that our culture places on couples with regards to their wedding. Our culture tells us that we need to be able to finance a lavish party or else we should put off getting married. I know it is far easier said than done, but I would encourage you to not get sucked into feeling obligated to live up to such expectations. Unfortunately, it is usually our families that place the largest burden on us in terms of placing expectations.

I think the best next step to take is to call your priest and make an appointment with him for you and your fiancé. Share with him your concerns as you have outlined them here and get some good advice.

 

[bitterhope]

Personally I don’t see a problem with a courthouse wedding now and church wedding later, especially since most places require a six month notice before a priest will marry you. I do want to let you know though that there is no requirement to have a huge wedding filled with tradition. Some of us get married at a regularly scheduled Mass and have no real reception or anything. My wedding cost me less than $150 and that included marriage license, dress, suit, flowers and food. I made my own wedding cake and had just that and soda after in the parish hall. I’ve met others including many in my family that have done things similarly. Ask your priest if that is possible for you all. If not, I really don’t see the trouble of the courthouse wedding first. The baby needs married parents and health insurance. A lot of countries require a civil marriage or the government doesn’t recognize the marriage. In the US we don’t require that but I don’t see it as wrong.

 

[pianistclare]

Get married by the Church.
The “wedding” is not necessary or an immediate concern. The MARRIAGE is.

You can get all the insurance you want, but who insures your eternal life?
Telling God He’ll have to wait to bless your marriage, but “oh, btw God, get me some financial security” right now is backward.
Step back from the situation and see that you need God in your marriage a good bit more than the other concerns. Everything will flow forward from that.
Your friends and family will be more than happy to provide you with a sweet celebration.
In fact, I’ll bet your parish family will also come through once they hear you are young and starting out.

 

[slh3016]

One thing the Church requires for the forgiveness of sins is repentance and amendment. So, assuming that you have stopped the premarital sex and repented of the sin. What better way to show amendment than to begin doing things the right way. . This would start with getting married not for some sort of financial gain, but rather, sacramentally, and in the Church. I would think being young you would want this to happen ASAP because abstaining would be hard on you and tough on the relationship. So what you need to do is seek a priest and have a wedding IN THE CHURCH as soon as you can. Perhaps some accommodations can be made to make this happen faster than pre cana usually takes. I would avoid looking to the state to help your relationship and soul. And those are the most important things.

I am afraid this “before man and before God” thing is all backwards in your head and I would suggest you seek the real meaning of marriage as it might help you with this.

1. Marriage in the Church is NEVER about a celebration or party. It is about a sacramental union. If you are doing it to celebrate and have a party then you are missing the point.
2. The civil cerimony solves nothing. You would still be in sin if you are living as a married couple until you would really be married in the Church.

Your confusion on what marriage is is common. It is one of the reasons we have an entire population that does not understand even the most basic components of marriage. And therefore have the problems of divorce and SSM.

As usual, HoosierDaddy makes some very good points.

A wedding is not about the party and if you are Catholic, why would you want a wedding anywhere besides the Catholic Church?

So, what I would do is to contact your parish and ask to meet with the priest. Tell him your situation and see what can be done for you to have an intimate VALID Catholic wedding now and then, next year, have a vow renewal/marriage blessing (or whatever it would be called) ceremony that all your family and friends are invited to with an elaborate party afterwards There is simply no need to “postpone” the sacrament when the result means that you’ll most likely be living in sin for a year. That’s a gamble I’d not be willing to take for the sake of a party.

 

[EasterJoy]

Talk to your pastor. Since your intention is to form a lifelong bond and you are already living that intention, it would be better to have a real wedding as soon as possible and then have a first anniversary party at a later date. He will be able to advise you concerning the civil ceremony and access to benefits intended for and needed in your family situation.

 

[1ke]

My fiance and I are considering having a courthouse wedding this summer for the sake of having health insurance. We have a 1 month old son together, the pregnancy was complicated, we had an emergency delivery. All is well now, but fiance has just graduated from school and is being offered a job that covers health insurance for the entire family at NO COST to the employee/family. I cannot afford health insurance at my job, and now that I am no longer pregnant, I will have to purchase it from somewhere.

Your fiancé’s insurance can cover your child regardless of your marital status. If you are under 26, you can remain on your parents insurance or buy a bare bones policy for yourself.

The most important thing is that you take the sacrament of marriage seriously and marry for the right reasons and according to God’s law.

There is no feasible way to have an actual wedding this summer.

Of course there is. It requires a priest or deacon and two witnesses after marriage preparation. Do it right from the outset.

This is the best we can do.

No, it’s not. Following God’s law and commandments is the best we can do.

It’s infuriating how much it costs to get married, and all of the expectations and traditions.

You are going to have to learn that other people’s expectations are NOT reality. Better just go ahead and deal with it now. Don’t worry about anyone’s expectations other than God’s expectations of us.

If people put half the time into their marriage as they put into the wedding, the world would be a vastly different place.

What are your thoughts on this?

Yes. Do not get married at the courthouse and attempt to circumvent the Church’s law on marriage.

[/QUOTE]

 

[BlossomingFaith]

I have a few questions and things to consider.
First, shouldn’t your husband to be’s insurance be able to cover his child, regardless of your marital status? I would make sure that the child is covered.

Secondly, full disclosure- I didnt get married in the Church and regret it. I would try to get married sooner rather than wait for the money for a perfect party. Consider all your options. What will you be happiest with in five, ten years?

Thirdly, have you spoken to your parish priest? Will you be required to wait for a year? If so, this is a moot point.

Here is another idea- have the Church wedding as soon as the parish will permit. You mention expectations and traditions, as well as expenses, from which I infer you could possibly have a larger family? You could have your family and friends give you a wedding as your wedding present. Someone could buy or make a cake, someone could bring flowers for the Church, food could be a barbecue or a reasonably priced restaurant, etc. to where you would end up with minimal expenses. The only thing I would recommend paying for and not trying to be too frugal on would be a photographer.

I wish you a wonderful wedding and an even better marriage.

 

[pianistclare]

I have a few questions and things to consider.
First, shouldn’t your husband to be’s insurance be able to cover his child, regardless of your marital status? I would make sure that the child is covered.

Secondly, full disclosure- I didnt get married in the Church and regret it. I would try to get married sooner rather than wait for the money for a perfect party. Consider all your options. What will you be happiest with in five, ten years?

Thirdly, have you spoken to your parish priest? Will you be required to wait for a year? If so, this is a moot point.

Here is another idea- have the Church wedding as soon as the parish will permit. You mention expectations and traditions, as well as expenses, from which I infer you could possibly have a larger family? You could have your family and friends give you a wedding as your wedding present. Someone could buy or make a cake, someone could bring flowers for the Church, food could be a barbecue or a reasonably priced restaurant, etc. to where you would end up with minimal expenses. The only thing I would recommend paying for and not trying to be too frugal on would be a photographer.

I wish you a wonderful wedding and an even better marriage.

In this age of fantastic digital cameras…the parish priest will recommend someone in the parish who will take pics for cheap, or even free. our friend did ours. They are very spectacular.

 

[Book_Worm]

Others have given you the very good and valid reasons why this is a bad idea from the POV of the Catholic faith, and I agree completely. However, let me give you a more secular reason why you shouldn’t do this.

Each marriage gets one wedding (unless the state requires a civil wedding in addition to a religious one). You’re getting married now, whether it’s for insurance purposes or to begin your life together. You are either married or you are not. Having another big, white wedding a year from now makes a mockery of marriage. It’s in very poor taste. I’ve been invited to one like this and I found it to be insulting to be asked to take part in a charade. Twenty years later I still hear talk in the family about how rude it was. I’m sure you don’t want to know that people remember your wedding like that. (I kept my feelings about the wedding to myself because it would be just as rude and also uncharitable to say anything, but many people didn’t feel so constrained.)

Have your one, real wedding ceremony in the Church as soon as it can be arranged. Make it mean something. Have a blow-out reception when you can afford it.

 

[Sunbreak]

As others have said, talk to the priest now. You have your priorities backwards. The sacrament of Marriage comes first and doesn’t require a party. A simple exchange of vows with the priest, witness and couple is all that is required. It doesn’t matter what relatives expect the wedding to be like. If you want a little more ceremony, you could get a wedding dress at a second hand store, rent one or just wear a simple dress or suit. You could ask the priest if any fees could be waived or reduced. You could have just cake and coffee - I’ve gone to weddings that were potlucks or had just cake and coffee. Flowers are not required - you could just have a simple bouquet for you and a female witness/bridesmaid.

 

[Upbeat_Dad]

As Catholics, we understand that only God has the power to confect a marriage. The State has no authority in this area, (even though it claims to). A “marriage” in a courthouse is no marriage at all, health insurance or no. You need to be lawfully married in the Church and receive the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. This can be done tomorrow. It costs nothing to get married and receive the sacrament. The whole invented edifice of wedding dresses, cakes, receptions and all that nonsense is just that, and edifice. It has nothing to do with the sacrament at all. You can go, receive the Sacrament, and then do whatever you want later. Just don’t go to the courthouse, (the very same court that says two men can be married) and whore yourselves out to Caesar. You’re better than that, and God wants more for you.

 

[Horton]

There is no feasible way to have an actual wedding this summer. This is the best we can do. It’s infuriating how much it costs to get married, and all of the expectations and traditions. If people put half the time into their marriage as they put into the wedding, the world would be a vastly different place.

What are your thoughts on this?

It only costs what you are willing to spend. The idea you must have a lavish wedding & reception is ridiculous. Talk to your priest, invite close family & friends, and focus on having a marriage. In all my years I don’t really remember much about any weddings I’ve been to including my own. In all reality after awhile it doesn’t matter what kind of wedding you had, married is married.

 

[Gorgias]

You need to be lawfully married in the Church and receive the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. This can be done tomorrow.

Well, actually, no, it generally can’t. Most parishes have a “six-month” policy – they want at least six months’ notice before marrying a couple. That’s not just some arbitrary rule: it’s necessary to have some sort of pre-marital preparation (usually a ‘Pre-Cana class’, or at least an opportunity to have the priest sit down with the couple and talk about what Christian Marriage means for Catholics); there’s also the paperwork that must be completed, documenting freedom to marry and lack of other impediments and asserting that free consent to marry is present; and it builds in enough time to allow for unforeseen complications to be dealt with.

Now, it’s possible that, once the OP and her fiance talk to the priest and explain the situation, he might accelerate the timeline and do away with some or much of the six-month prep time. However, asserting that a couple can just walk into a rectory and walk away married isn’t realistic, and therefore is counter-productive. If it happens at all, it’s very much the exception, and not the rule.

Let’s add one more piece to the puzzle: in general, priests are (explicitly) told that this kind of plan to have a non-Catholic wedding now and a Catholic convalidation later is impermissible. If the Canon Law office of the diocese gets wind of such an arrangement, they might refuse to allow it.

One last thought: in order for a marriage to be considered valid, there must be full consent to marry – if a couple enters into a marriage because of some other reason, then generally, that’s understood to mean that they’re not marrying because they want to, but because they think that some other consideration is forcing them to marry; such a marriage might be considered invalid from the start. If the OP is saying “we want to marry in order to get insurance,” I can’t imagine that a priest would say, “great! let’s get you two hitched in church!”… rather, he might counsel that they discern whether Christian marriage is what they really want, and ask them to spend some time discerning this question.

p.s., as (IIRC) someone else has suggested, it seems that you don’t have to get married in order to get on your fiance’s plan. The birth of your baby would be a qualifying event to enable him to add your baby to his plan, and since you have a child together, it would seem (to the best of my knowledge) that he could include you in his medical plan now, too. Check with his health insurance provider – it would seem that you three could be on his plan now.