Civil divorce confusion

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Retrouvaille saved our family. In fact, we were volunteering at our local Retrouvaille quite regularly until we moved. Now we’ve gotta get hooked up with the one here. Keep up with it! And take your time. Anyone who has been through what you two have, has a lot of issues to deal with. Again, I know. I will pray for you that you will do God’s will in this. :gopray:
 
I guess maybe I am in denial of some sort again. This denial stuff is a big problem for me in many ways. I sometimes seem to see only what I want to see or emotionally am able to see. I didn’t think of what he did as really “cheating”. I was just very saddened and disappointed. When it comes down to the facts, it really was cheating. He was not even divorced from me yet and made the choice to sleep with someone else. When we finally started talking after the divorce, we forgave each other for all that had happened over the past year. What do I do now? Do I rehash it all over again? I’m praying for guidance.
 
That is what the process of dialog is for. You DO have to talk about how you feel about this. If you just bury those feelings, they will lead to resentments later. It doesn’t have to come all at once, but do your daily dialog, and make sure that it’s not just happy stuff you dialog over all the time, but get to the real issues. That is where healing comes from. Repressing your true feelings never helps, it only causes problems. And yes, even though you were separated, what he did was cheating. You can forgive him, but the issue is still there. It will have to be dealt with eventually. Dialog!!! Keep at it. You CAN work through this, but I promise it won’t be quick or easy. When you have done it, your relationship will be SO much stronger for it! It IS worth it to go through the pain of bringing up the hurts now, if it keeps them from exploding later.
 
I feel like when we dialogue we have been focusing more on the positive type questions. I will talk to him and find a way that we can do more serious type dialogue questions. The hardest part will be for us not to blame or judge. But that is why dialogue is so helpful. I need to remember that. We are still adjusting to getting comfortable with dialoguing. Everyone says it will become more natural in time and I hope that is true! I’m realizing how scared I am to “rock the boat” when I talk to him and I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be free to be myself without fear of judgement. I just know he wants to be able to finally relax and chill out after going through all of the court mess, but there is a lot of things that must not be pushed aside. I need to realize if he doesn’t care for me enough to work through it with me, that will be telling me how he really feels. May I ask, are you remarried?
 
mwgirl said:
I’m realizing how scared I am to “rock the boat” when I talk to him and I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be free to be myself without fear of judgement. I just know he wants to be able to finally relax and chill out after going through all of the court mess, but there is a lot of things that must not be pushed aside.** I need to realize if he doesn’t care for me enough to work through it with me, that will be telling me how he really feels. **May I ask, are you remarried?
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You’ve got the right idea. You HAVE to be able to talk openly about everything before getting into another commitment. This time is your chance to do this. The statement I highlighted above is the most basic truth of all. You know it. You are worth going through this for. Both of you have to make sacrifices for the relationship to work. If you continue to dialog, then you will work through these issues and get past it. But a relationship that never works out the issues, only suppresses them, is doomed to fail. Remember what happened before? It will happen again IF things don’t change in how you deal with problems. Keep working on it!

And yes, after 2 yrs of civil divorce (actually real divorce, we weren’t married in the Church to begin with), we did remarry, in the Church, and have been happily remarried for 3 years now. How? During our separation we used the time for both of us individually to work on our own relationship with God. After we both got ourselves right with HIM, then we were able to get right with each other. GOD is the only way to make a marriage truly work. You have to give it to Him. After we did that, and with the communication skills we learned in Retrouvaille, it has been like a whole new marriage this time. Neither one of us can recognize the person we were married to before.

Because we gave ourselves to God and let Him change us into who He knew we needed to be. So don’t neglect that aspect. You yourself work on your spirituality. Increase your prayer time. Go to mass more often. Read spiritual books. Go on retreats. And encourage your husband to do the same. THAT will help your relationship more than anything. Sounds hard, but it isn’t. Just love God with all your heart, and then wanting to spend time with Him will be easy! And think of the gifts you will be able to give your daughter! You can teach her at such a young age how great God is and how much He loves her. Don’t give up. With God, anything is possible.
 
Tammy,
Thanks you so much…you give me great hope and there is truth in all you’ve said. We have our second Post meeting this Saturday and will continue dialoguing every day. I notice you are from Missouri…I am too, I live in St. Louis, how about you??
Thanks again.
 
We just moved to western MO from Kansas. We’re about half way between KC and Springfield–in the middle of nowhere! So we’ll probably be going to CORE in KC when we get settled a little. Just keep at it! Don’t give up and I know you’ll find peace if you remain in God and try to do His will.
 
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