Classmate called my 9 yo daughter "so fat"

[kittery]

I give after-school rides to a couple of my kids’ classmates. Today, I had to make a stop to pick up my youngest from a friend’s house and while I was at the door getting him, the kids in my van got into a quarrel. I had shown some pictures to their classmates of them when they were younger and my 9yo daughter was protesting strongly to it. It upset her more than I realized, for when I was out of the car for those 5 minutes, her and one of the kids that carpool with us (a boy one grade lower than her) got into a teasing match about "crushes’. I think she lost her temper and pushed him and then he got on top of her and repeatedly told her she’s “chubby and so fat”. I didn’t get this full story until I had dropped the kids off. Now she is hiding in the bathroom, and has the drawer pulled out so I can’t get in even once I unlocked it.

I’ve apologized for offending her by showing the picture to the classmates. But beyond that- what would you do as for the boy calling her fat? She is overweight, as was I at her age. I’ve always had horrible self-esteem issues from the teasing I received as a result. She goes to a small private catholic school and we haven’t dealt with this issue at all until today (to my knowledge). She may have been teased before, but she denies it. Do I tell the boy’s mother that he called her fat? What can I do to help heal the hurt she experienced today? Please help.:bighanky:

Kittery

 

[mommy_k]

Children are immature at this age and sometimes get personal. Our youngest is small for her age, but is very verbally expressive. She is able to deflect any comments and tells kids who tease her- she is not small-she is fun sized–then laughs. She also goes to catholic school and is around the same age as your daughter. Perhaps you can role play how your daughter will respond for herself in the future if something similar happens?

9 is also an age that is difficult–too much parental stepping in increases this type of thing or may cause kids to see your child as a target or as a tattletale.Of course if it is a bullying situation or continues–step in. But giving your daughter the tools to deflect a verbal insult will help more imho.You can ask your daughter what she thinks of this.

If this happens often and continues to affect your daughter- then would talk to the mom.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

They’re kids, they got into a tiff, she pushed him, he insulted her. This sounds like normal stuff to me. Don’t make this a bigger deal than it needs to be and help her shake it off.

But, you have a child with a weight problem, and it is your responsibility to correct this now, and not make excuses like “she’ll grow out of it”. Weight related self esteem issues don’t arise because of teasing, they arise because it is legitimately much less attractive to be overweight, it is objectively harder to be as active as your peers, it causes even minor health issues, and it is physically uncomfortable. Do not let her go through puberty like this. It will be much harder for her to lose it and keep it off if her body grows into adulthood overweight. Make it a family commitment to eat right and be active. No need to put her on a diet or give her a complex, but as her parent it is your responsibility to keep her healthy and teach her the habits she’ll need to make good choices as an adult.

I grew up with a weight problem and when I left my mom’s house, I finally lost the weight for good. I’m a health food and fitness freak, in large part because once you’re overweight, it really is a lifelong, daily struggle. I still resent that when I was your daughter’s age, my mom spent more time and energy trying to convince me I was beautiful than she did actually helping me lose the weight and develop good habits.

Your daughter had a bad day. You can’t rid the world of people who will (intentionally or not) make her realize that she is overweight. That will happen her whole life. But, you can teach her how to be healthy and avoid everything that comes with being overweight, medically and socially.

 

[Sunbreak]

The best thing you can do is teach your daughter how to deal with these kind of comments. I wouldn’t say anything to the boy or his mother - what happened is normal things that young children do and your daughter obviously participated in this situation.

 

[Tomdstone]

If she is overweignt then why not put her on a low calorie diet?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If she is overweignt then why not put her on a low calorie diet?

Unless the child is extremely overweight and a doctor is supervising, no still-growing 9 year old should be on a low calorie diet. An age appropriate, well balanced diet that meets (or almost meets) her calorie needs combined with more physical activity is safer.

Actually, given her age and the likelihood that she’s on the cusp of puberty, take her to a nutritionist.

 

[Jim91]

Just leave it be, kids quite often get into quarrels, make fun of each other and all that fun stuff all the time.

 

[Legend]

Whatever you do, keep the two issues brought up here separate. The insult will probably soon be forgotten, if no adults bring up what was said.
At 9, your daughter should not be taught to think of herself as a fashion plate, or judge herself by her looks. If she is overweight enough for her health to be affected, talk to her pediatrician. But do it, if possible, after this incident has passed. It may greatly harm her self image if she thinks she is seeing a doctor and having her diet changed because another child insulted her! And yes, kids do make the connection.
One of the many reasons why I favor home schooling.

 

[Sarcelle]

Unless the child is extremely overweight and a doctor is supervising, no still-growing 9 year old should be on a low calorie diet. An age appropriate, well balanced diet that meets (or almost meets) her calorie needs combined with more physical activity is safer.

Actually, given her age and the likelihood that she’s on the cusp of puberty, take her to a nutritionist.

I remember my mom giving me lessons on good nutrition, portion control and the importance of exercise. The time to establish good healthy habits is now. Never underestimate the power of a good or bad habit. The emphasis should be on health.

 

[pensmama87]

Unless the child is extremely overweight and a doctor is supervising, no still-growing 9 year old should be on a low calorie diet. An age appropriate, well balanced diet that meets (or almost meets) her calorie needs combined with more physical activity is safer.

Actually, given her age and the likelihood that she’s on the cusp of puberty, take her to a nutritionist.

Right.

I became overweight in my tweens. I was teased for being fat before I ever became fat - I just grew very awkwardly (seriously, it was like my shoulders became adult sized before the rest of me - really not a good look!) But I was very sensitive to the fat criticism, because many of my relatives including my dad were very overweight, and we ate a lot of junk at home. When I did get fat, I blamed myself because it felt inevitable - a mindset I didn’t escape until my mid 20s.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

Excuse me as a single gent. Casting my mind back.

In my day there were lots of bad-mannered kids.

The worst jointly - it is ungentlemanly for a boy to sit on top of a girl.

Equal to it - obsession with “crushes” real and alleged. Watch this one very alertly. I think it is on the increase in a big way.

Fatness or thinness - this may be fuelled by the media but I don’t know. It is probably essentially trivial despite the politics of it.

As no-one else mentioned “crushes” do be very alert to this. No child should be allowed to teach themselves to manipulate others’ feelings over their feelings.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Right.

I became overweight in my tweens. I was teased for being fat before I ever became fat - I just grew very awkwardly (seriously, it was like my shoulders became adult sized before the rest of me - really not a good look!) But I was very sensitive to the fat criticism, because many of my relatives including my dad were very overweight, and we ate a lot of junk at home. When I did get fat, I blamed myself because it felt inevitable - a mindset I didn’t escape until my mid 20s.

It’s so rough. People don’t realize until they’ve gone through it. I crash-dieted the weight off and then yo-yoed for awhile whole I figured out how to eat enough and the right stuff to exercise while not gaining weight. I’ve kept it off for close to 7 years now, but I’m militant.

I would give anything to be one of those people who eats reasonably, works out 3x a week, and looks great. I maintain a not so strict anymore vegan diet (but very strict nutritionally) and exercise 6x a week - even on vacations, when I’m sick, holidays, etc. I know how quickly my guard can be let down and I have such a strong taste for junk…

It’s not inevitable, but it is like an addiction. Your body and mind always want to take the path of least resistance and revert back. An addict will never not be an addict, even if they’re clean. Likewise, even at 124 lbs and toned, I’ll always have a weight problem.

It’s just so much better in the long run if a parent can step in and prevent a child from having these issues to start with.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I give after-school rides to a couple of my kids’ classmates. Today, I had to make a stop to pick up my youngest from a friend’s house and while I was at the door getting him, the kids in my van got into a quarrel. I had shown some pictures to their classmates of them when they were younger and my 9yo daughter was protesting strongly to it. It upset her more than I realized, for when I was out of the car for those 5 minutes, her and one of the kids that carpool with us (a boy one grade lower than her) got into a teasing match about "crushes’. I think she lost her temper and pushed him and then he got on top of her and repeatedly told her she’s “chubby and so fat”. I didn’t get this full story until I had dropped the kids off. Now she is hiding in the bathroom, and has the drawer pulled out so I can’t get in even once I unlocked it.

I’ve apologized for offending her by showing the picture to the classmates. But beyond that- what would you do as for the boy calling her fat? She is overweight, as was I at her age. I’ve always had horrible self-esteem issues from the teasing I received as a result. She goes to a small private catholic school and we haven’t dealt with this issue at all until today (to my knowledge). She may have been teased before, but she denies it. Do I tell the boy’s mother that he called her fat? What can I do to help heal the hurt she experienced today? Please help.:bighanky:

Kittery

I think other posters have hit the weight issue sufficiently.
1). I would not allow a 9 year old to seclude themselves in a room when I wished to be in there. It sets a bad precedent and is unsafe.
2). Why in the world when your daughter protested the picture would you show it to the others!?
3). My initial reaction was not to tell the boy’s parents because it is common for kids to do this but then I had two thoughts. I have a nine year old girl and if someone called them fat I would for sure be speaking to the boy and his parents. This is s carpool situation and your daughter will be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And if it was my son who said that to a girl I would definately want to know so I could correct the problem and raise a gentleman. So, yes, I would tell the parents, and the boy actually.

This story broke my heart a little.

 

[kittery]

From how you described this, it doesn’t seem as if this boy connived and **set out **to bully your daughter or target her by calling her names or make fun of her. It seems what he did was a reflex, that what he did was a reaction to her pushing him and he lashed out by saying something pretty nasty.

For her pushing him, that is a no-go. For him getting on top of her in retaliation, that is also a no-go. You have to lay down the law that in your car no one touches anyone EVER. Frankly I would be just as concerned that a boy thought it was okay to sit on top of my daughter as I would be that he called her “chubby and fat.” Physical fights are not okay.

So, this is a second grade boy we are talking about here? Pretty immature really, not that I am sticking up for him but I raised both genders and second grade boys are still eating boogers, forget to change their underwear and are very immature and self-centered in many ways so the fact that he called your daughter fat isn’t nice but unfortunately sometimes that happens, even in good Christian and Catholic families. Still, he needs to be told that is unacceptable and people cannot call each other names in your car, ever. You don’t need to tell his mom, simply tell all the kids together when you pick them up. “Okay yesterday there was a fight and people touched each other and people called each other names that is never happening EVER in this car ever again. Now we are all going to say a prayer together for friendship.” Then say an Our Father together as a prayer!

You are a good mom to be concerned. While you can’t magically help your daughter lose weight overnight you can help her by perhaps getting a new haircut? Try to shake off the incident, tell her not to ruminate on it, that she is beautiful and the little boy said something mean.Talk about eating healthy not dieting. Make healthy choices. Really, as she grows she might even out grow the weight as she grows taller but she has to make healthy choices. Get her a few nice tops that are slimming perhaps? Encourage her to have good posture and to stand tall with her shoulders back. This might be a blessing in disguise. As Blue Eyed Lady shared, she suffered a lot because she lived for years this way. Perhaps this is a wake up call for you to help your daughter. Please be assured of my prayers. God bless.

One of my favorite responses. Thank you. I will talk to them all today and say a prayer together. I think that my main reason for considering telling the boy’s mom is so that she could talk to him about how a gentleman acts and how hurtful name calling is. I did talk to my daughter last night and emphasized the inappropriateness of pushing someone out of anger. To defend oneself, yes. To express one’s anger, no.

 

[thequeen]

I think other posters have hit the weight issue sufficiently.
1). I would not allow a 9 year old to seclude themselves in a room when I wished to be in there. It sets a bad precedent and is unsafe.
2). Why in the world when your daughter protested the picture would you show it to the others!?
3). My initial reaction was not to tell the boy’s parents because it is common for kids to do this but then I had two thoughts. I have a nine year old girl and if someone called them fat I would for sure be speaking to the boy and his parents. This is s carpool situation and your daughter will be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And if it was my son who said that to a girl I would definately want to know so I could correct the problem and raise a gentleman. So, yes, I would tell the parents, and the boy actually.

This story broke my heart a little.

It did mine also hoosier daddy because my mom used to do things like this without even caring that it would upset me.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think other posters have hit the weight issue sufficiently.
1). I would not allow a 9 year old to seclude themselves in a room when I wished to be in there. It sets a bad precedent and is unsafe.
2). Why in the world when your daughter protested the picture would you show it to the others!?
3). My initial reaction was not to tell the boy’s parents because it is common for kids to do this but then I had two thoughts. I have a nine year old girl and if someone called them fat I would for sure be speaking to the boy and his parents. This is s carpool situation and your daughter will be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And if it was my son who said that to a girl I would definately want to know so I could correct the problem and raise a gentleman. So, yes, I would tell the parents, and the boy actually.

This story broke my heart a little.

As much as I hope to raise a gentleman, I also hope to raise kids of both genders who do not take physical abuse. If the OP came to me about this, I think my temper would speak before I could stop it. “So while you were supposed to be responsible for our kids, your planet of a daughter hit my son and you want me to discipline him for responding verbally!?” Is it ok for me to say that? Of course not. But I think I would be so offended and horrified that she viewed my child as the problem in all of this that it would just slip.

I might have to move and switch my kids’ school after that, but don’t let your kid hit mine and then expect me to be concerned about a little name calling. I don’t want my kids to be doormats.

 

[jmjZelie]

• I had shown some pictures to their classmates of them when they were younger and my 9yo daughter was protesting strongly to it.*

Why would you ignore the strong protests of your daughter? I would feel betrayed by that, in her shoes.

• It upset her more than I realized *

Yes, I imagine so.

*when I was out of the car for those 5 minutes, her and one of the kids that carpool with us (a boy one grade lower than her) got into a teasing match about "crushes’. *

What is meant by a teasing match? Was he bullying her about the pictures, or not? This description of a teasing match is rather ambiguous. Was he getting in her face? Calling her names? What was really happening?

*I think she lost her temper and pushed him *

Does she usually resort to physical aggression when angry, or is this out of character? You say you think she lost her temper and pushed him. Do you know what really happened to your daughter??

*and then he got on top of her and repeatedly told her she’s “chubby and so fat”. *

Hold the phone. He got ON TOP OF YOUR DAUGHTER? He repeatedly said nasty and hateful things to her? What kind of a kid is this boy? Has he resorted to physical violence or bullying before? Getting on top of a girl and saying nasty things to her in her mother’s vehicle is an amazing amount of liberty for a child to take. Most normal kids wouldn’t dare to get that aggressive a mere yards away from the mother of another child in her vehicle and at her mercy. How often is your daughter treated disrespectfully in his presence, I wonder? Has he seen her bullied elsewhere?

*I didn’t get this full story until I had dropped the kids off. Now she is hiding in the bathroom, and has the drawer pulled out so I can’t get in even once I unlocked it.
*

Why in the world didn’t she immediately appeal to you the moment you got in the vehicle? I cannot imagine my daughter keeping it a secret that a boy got on top of her in my own car. It seems that there is a lot more going on here than just one incident. I think before anything is said to the boy or his family, it is most important to repair your relationship with your daughter. To apologize for showing the pictures and to get to the bottom of what is going on with her at school and with this particular boy. And going forward, I personally would suggest that the carpool arrangement ends post haste.

 

[kittery]

As much as I hope to raise a gentleman, I also hope to raise kids of both genders who do not take physical abuse. If the OP came to me about this, I think my temper would speak before I could stop it. “So while you were supposed to be responsible for our kids, your planet of a daughter hit my son and you want me to discipline him for responding verbally!?” Is it ok for me to say that? Of course not. But I think I would be so offended and horrified that she viewed my child as the problem in all of this that it would just slip.

I might have to move and switch my kids’ school after that, but don’t let your kid hit mine and then expect me to be concerned about a little name calling. I don’t want my kids to be doormats.

I didn’t say that I thought it was all the boy’s fault. You might have missed one of my responses where I said that my main reason for considering telling the boy’s mom was to give her the opportunity to discuss it with her son, and that I had already talked to my daughter about the inappropriateness of what happened.

 

[kittery]

I think other posters have hit the weight issue sufficiently.
1). I would not allow a 9 year old to seclude themselves in a room when I wished to be in there. It sets a bad precedent and is unsafe.
2). Why in the world when your daughter protested the picture would you show it to the others!?
3). My initial reaction was not to tell the boy’s parents because it is common for kids to do this but then I had two thoughts. I have a nine year old girl and if someone called them fat I would for sure be speaking to the boy and his parents. This is s carpool situation and your daughter will be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And if it was my son who said that to a girl I would definately want to know so I could correct the problem and raise a gentleman. So, yes, I would tell the parents, and the boy actually.

This story broke my heart a little.

 

[MSSheBear]

I didn’t say that I thought it was all the boy’s fault. You might have missed one of my responses where I said that my main reason for considering telling the boy’s mom was to give her the opportunity to discuss it with her son, and that I had already talked to my daughter about the inappropriateness of what happened.

I drive children around on my job. The OP should tell the boy’s mother about this because he was part of the problem. He sat on her. With children of this age you should be able to leave them in the car for five minutes without physical violence breaking out.