Classmate called my 9 yo daughter "so fat"

[kittery]

I think other posters have hit the weight issue sufficiently.
1). I would not allow a 9 year old to seclude themselves in a room when I wished to be in there. It sets a bad precedent and is unsafe.
2). Why in the world when your daughter protested the picture would you show it to the others!?
3). My initial reaction was not to tell the boy’s parents because it is common for kids to do this but then I had two thoughts. I have a nine year old girl and if someone called them fat I would for sure be speaking to the boy and his parents. This is s carpool situation and your daughter will be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And if it was my son who said that to a girl I would definately want to know so I could correct the problem and raise a gentleman. So, yes, I would tell the parents, and the boy actually.

This story broke my heart a little.

The way it happened, was that we were sitting in our friend’s driveway waiting for my son to arrive so that I could pick him up. While we were sitting there waiting, I was looking at some pictures on my phone… The older sister (6th grade) of the boy was sitting in the front seat next to me and I showed her some pictures of my youngest when he was just a brand-new baby – he was a little tiny preemie. Then I happened to see a picture of my two older kids who are closer to her her age and I showed her that picture as well. When I showed her that one, the boy that is a grade younger than my daughter became very interested and leapt forward in the van and tried to grab the phone away from me and that’s when my daughter started protesting. When I saw that she was obviously disturbed that I was sharing a photo of them, I insisted that that was enough and put the phone away.

 

[kittery]

I drive children around on my job. The OP should tell the boy’s mother about this because he was part of the problem. He sat on her. With children of this age you should be able to leave them in the car for five minutes without physical violence breaking out.

I agree. I remember when I was about 11, the neighbor boy who I was good friends with was at our house picking blueberries with me. We argued and he hit me… I ran to my mom and told her and he was never welcome back to our house again. Right then I learned to never put up with that. I feel like this might be what I need to do.
I talked to my son (our oldest) more about what exactly happened. He said that the boy also shoved her face against the window and held it there. I’m shocked at this behavior. It’s all too much.

 

[jmjZelie]

The way it happened, was that we were sitting in our friend’s driveway waiting for my son to arrive so that I could pick him up. While we were sitting there waiting, I was looking at some pictures on my phone… The older sister (6th grade) of the boy was sitting in the front seat next to me and I showed her some pictures of my youngest when he was just a brand-new baby – he was a little tiny preemie. Then I happened to see a picture of my two older kids who are closer to her her age and I showed her that picture as well. When I showed her that one, the boy that is a grade younger than my daughter became very interested and leapt forward in the van and tried to grab the phone away from me and that’s when my daughter started protesting. When I saw that she was obviously disturbed that I was sharing a photo of them, I insisted that that was enough and put the phone away.

He tried to grab the phone away from you?!

Can you end this carpool arrangement? This behavior demonstrates he is not respecting boundaries at all. At the age of 8, he should be able to control his impulses better.

 

[jmjZelie]

I agree. I remember when I was about 11, the neighbor boy who I was good friends with was at our house picking blueberries with me. We argued and he hit me… I ran to my mom and told her and he was never welcome back to our house again. Right then I learned to never put up with that. I feel like this might be what I need to do.
I talked to my son (our oldest) more about what exactly happened. He said that the boy also shoved her face against the window and held it there. I’m shocked at this behavior. It’s all too much.

Whoa! Yes your instincts are right on this one.

How is your daughter doing now? Is she okay?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I am so confused. The OP’s daughter started the physical altercation. There were no adults around, so he defended himself. She’s not injured, but I bet she learned an important lesson about starting fights. And his behavior is appalling? What happens when one 9 year old hits another? Pretty much exactly what the OP described. It sounds like the daughter is embarrassed about how it ended, and that’s understandable. But she shouldn’t be allowed to make herself out to be a victim. Dust yourself off, move on, be wiser.

These kids are prepubescent, so it isn’t like he’s a tall, muscular guy who escalated things way beyond her physical capabilities.

 

[Sarcelle]

Right.

I became overweight in my tweens. I was teased for being fat before I ever became fat - I just grew very awkwardly (seriously, it was like my shoulders became adult sized before the rest of me - really not a good look!) But I was very sensitive to the fat criticism, because many of my relatives including my dad were very overweight, and we ate a lot of junk at home. When I did get fat, I blamed myself because it felt inevitable - a mindset I didn’t escape until my mid 20s.

I had the opposite problem as a child and as a teen. I was too, too skinny. So much so that doctors would tell me parents that I was too thin and needed to gain more weight.

The problem persisted in my twenties. People, especially women, would feel free to come up to me and tell me how tiny I was.

 

[jmjZelie]

I am so confused. The OP’s daughter started the physical altercation. There were no adults around, so he defended himself. She’s not injured, but I bet she learned an important lesson about starting fights. And his behavior is appalling? What happens when one 9 year old hits another? Pretty much exactly what the OP described. It sounds like the daughter is embarrassed about how it ended, and that’s understandable. But she shouldn’t be allowed to make herself out to be a victim. Dust yourself off, move on, be wiser.

These kids are prepubescent, so it isn’t like he’s a tall, muscular guy who escalated things way beyond her physical capabilities.

BlueEyedLady,

Kittery said her daughter pushed the boy while they were inside the car. The boy then shoved her face against the window and held it there. And then he sat on her and called her names. How does this string of events make it sound like she started a fight. Pushing is typically a defensive maneuver, especially in a close environment like a car. It is not like she walked over and shoved him down on the ground. She pushed, and he retaliated with over-the-top violence. And who knows what actually occurred during the “teasing match”? What was said then that led to her pushing him?

 

[slh3016]

I agree. I remember when I was about 11, the neighbor boy who I was good friends with was at our house picking blueberries with me. We argued and he hit me… I ran to my mom and told her and he was never welcome back to our house again. Right then I learned to never put up with that. I feel like this might be what I need to do.
I talked to my son (our oldest) more about what exactly happened. He said that the boy also shoved her face against the window and held it there. I’m shocked at this behavior. It’s all too much.

I have mixed feelings about this situation particularly because when my 12yo shy, reserved son was younger (like thru age 9), he also had impulse-control issues. There were plenty of situations in which he absolutely mortified me with his behavior and it was NOT due to lack of parenting or paying attention. It was simply due to his maturity. His teachers all encouraged me that he would most likely outgrow that with age and maturity and he did. However, that did not negate the fact that at age 8-9, he swung a five pound soft weight around and hit my friend’s daughter smack in the mouth with it. However, in hindsight, I was far less merciful about it than my friend was, whose daughter also played a huge part in the numerous “episodes” that happened between them.

That being said, though, I think you need to discuss the situation with this boy’s mom in a calm non-accusatory manner if for no other reason than to get a read for her attitude toward the son’s behavior. If you see that she is mortified and plans to take swift action, you can feel a lot better than if she just blows it off as “kids being kids.”

But, for now, your daughter is embarrassed and hurt. You need to love, console, and encourage her. She may not feel comfortable carpooling with this boy again and that’s okay. I think the biggest issue is that she needs to trust you (and the rest of her family) to “have her back.” Frankly, if a boy did that to one of my daughters in the presence of my older son or the other daughter, the kid would probably have a black eye right now

 

[pensmama87]

I had the opposite problem as a child and as a teen. I was too, too skinny. So much so that doctors would tell me parents that I was too thin and needed to gain more weight.

The problem persisted in my twenties. People, especially women, would feel free to come up to me and tell me how tiny I was.

It’s one thing if it’s doctors - if they have medical reasons and aren’t just talking out their rears. Somebody has to make up the lower percentiles for weight, after all! Not everyone can be at 50%.

But yeah, comments about body size are just not appropriate from most people. And even from a parent or medical professional, I think it’s much better to come from a perspective of health instead of looks. There is so much shame and awkwardness wrapped up in body image for tweens and teens.

I am in a much healthier place and I try hard to feed my kids good food and keep us active. I know boys can have body issues too - my husband is very thin and was self conscious about that for a long time. But I want healthy to just be what we do - not something to agonize over.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

BlueEyedLady,

Kittery said her daughter pushed the boy while they were inside the car. The boy then shoved her face against the window and held it there. And then he sat on her and called her names. How does this string of events make it sound like she started a fight. Pushing is typically a defensive maneuver, especially in a close environment like a car. It is not like she walked over and shoved him down on the ground. She pushed, and he retaliated with over-the-top violence. And who knows what actually occurred during the “teasing match”? What was said then that led to her pushing him?

I agree with you. Kittery should speak to the boy’s mom. There are diplomatic ways of handling this type of discussion, especially if the boy’s mom is someone that Kittery already has a relationship with.

 

[1990Domer]

Just leave it be, kids quite often get into quarrels, make fun of each other and all that fun stuff all the time.

I cannot agree with this. The attitude that “kids will be kids” gives the mean-spirited boy a chance to do it again and lowers the self esteem for the OP’s daughter. The fact that these kids attend Catholic school, where is the compassion to love all God’s children no matter what shape and sizes they come in? Also, I believe taking the boy aside and asking him to apologize is good for future learning. His parents need not be involved.

When I gave my bullying talk, I was shocked at how long these incidents were carried in the back of the child’s mind. Also, we do not want to blame the child for being overweight. I am sure she doesn’t like it. But it is still wrong to point about an overweight problem at any age. This happened in second grade where a boy called his classmate fat. He was immediately sent to the principals office. Compassion has to start young. Jesus never gave an age limit on what age we should be compassionate.

 

[Sarcelle]

It’s one thing if it’s doctors - if they have medical reasons and aren’t just talking out their rears. Somebody has to make up the lower percentiles for weight, after all! Not everyone can be at 50%.

But yeah, comments about body size are just not appropriate from most people. And even from a parent or medical professional, I think it’s much better to come from a perspective of health instead of looks. There is so much shame and awkwardness wrapped up in body image for tweens and teens.

I am in a much healthier place and I try hard to feed my kids good food and keep us active. I know boys can have body issues too - my husband is very thin and was self conscious about that for a long time. But I want healthy to just be what we do - not something to agonize over.

We should emphasize healthy habits, eating mostly nutritious food, portion control, exercise and making treat foods as treat foods, instead of focusing on being the perfect size as media dictates which is unattainable for most of us. A friend of mine was telling me how her family was pressuring her to lose weight. She is 5 feet 4 inches and weights 110 pounds. Is that fat? I don’t think so but her family calls her fat all the time.

 

[Legend]

I would like to see the issue of weight tabled, in the discussion at hand. It seems as if both children involved acted inappropriately. Physical assault among children should NEVER be tolerated. Yes, the boy has more culpability, both for disrespect in general, also for the simple fact that he wil, if all goes as it always was meant to, grow bigger and stronger than most girls near his age, and present a bigger problem in the future. But, the girl, it seems, struck first. I still wish it could have been ignored, left for the kids to work out for themselves.
But, now that it is out in the open, it can provide an opportunity for discussion on the wrongs of physical violence and name calling and the proper responses for boys and girls that find themselves in similar situations. I pray this can be resolved quickly and with success for all involved.

 

[Little_Sheep]

I would like to see the issue of weight tabled, …

Amen, Legend! :thumbsup:but I doubt all people will read this far before commenting.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Now she is hiding in the bathroom, and has the drawer pulled out so I can’t get in even once I unlocked it.

This is the part of this whole thread that I find the most troubling. For a kid to pull out all of the drawers in a washroom so that even if the door can be unlocked it can not be open is frankly scary behavior IMO.

Why on earth would your daughter do that? Only 2 options come to mind

1-) She has drama queen issues that need to be dealt with ASAP

2-) She has no respect for her boundaries and telling people to leave her alone will not help in this situation.

I seriously hope her motive is #2. And you daughter needs to know that when she needs her space to deal with her emotions she will get it. When I need to cry there is nothing more shaming and maddening than someone coming in and saying ‘are you OK’. No matter what tone of voice is used it will always make the hurting person want to vomit.

The first thing I would do is teach the daughter to say ‘I am upset I am going for my space’ and I would also teach her that if in the heat of the moment she can’t speak a hand gesture that will mean the same thing. Then when she goes for her space, she gets it and all other members of the household respect it.

To be honest, the reason I think it is number 2 is when a kid tells her mom she does not want the pictures to be shown, and the mom does it anyways and is later shocked that it really upset the daughter I fear there is no respect for the child’s boundaries. When I was a kid and my mom told her friends stories about me she thought were ‘cute’ and I later told her it hurt me, my mom would ask why she could not tell them. As a 9 year old who was taught to respect my parents, I felt I could not defend myself further since it would be talking back to my mom. I also remember as a 9 year old, in my mind saying ‘Don’t do that’ was crystal clear and there would be no point in repeating myself since if my boundary was not respected the first time, why would repeating it be any different. Thus, I have a big concern your daughter’s boundaries are not respected

Sorry to be harsh but I honestly think the biggest issues ares teaching your daughter to deal with her emotions and showing your daughter she has her rights to boundaries by having her immediate family respect them

Angie

 

[Allegra]

This is the part of this whole thread that I find the most troubling. For a kid to pull out all of the drawers in a washroom so that even if the door can be unlocked it can not be open is frankly scary behavior IMO.

Why on earth would your daughter do that? Only 2 options come to mind

1-) She has drama queen issues that need to be dealt with ASAP

2-) She has no respect for her boundaries and telling people to leave her alone will not help in this situation.

I seriously hope her motive is #2. And you daughter needs to know that when she needs her space to deal with her emotions she will get it. When I need to cry there is nothing more shaming and maddening than someone coming in and saying ‘are you OK’. No matter what tone of voice is used it will always make the hurting person want to vomit.

The first thing I would do is teach the daughter to say ‘I am upset I am going for my space’ and I would also teach her that if in the heat of the moment she can’t speak a hand gesture that will mean the same thing. Then when she goes for her space, she gets it and all other members of the household respect it.

To be honest, the reason I think it is number 2 is when a kid tells her mom she does not want the pictures to be shown, and the mom does it anyways and is later shocked that it really upset the daughter I fear there is no respect for the child’s boundaries. When I was a kid and my mom told her friends stories about me she thought were ‘cute’ and I later told her it hurt me, my mom would ask why she could not tell them. As a 9 year old who was taught to respect my parents, I felt I could not defend myself further since it would be talking back to my mom. I also remember as a 9 year old, in my mind saying ‘Don’t do that’ was crystal clear and there would be no point in repeating myself since if my boundary was not respected the first time, why would repeating it be any different. Thus, I have a big concern your daughter’s boundaries are not respected

Sorry to be harsh but I honestly think the biggest issues ares teaching your daughter to deal with her emotions and showing your daughter she has her rights to boundaries by having her immediate family respect them

Angie

Yeah. I used to pull out the drawers in the bathroom because it was the only way to keep my little brother and sister from getting in when I was in there. They both knew how to pick the lock and neither one had respect for boundaries. It does seem a little ridiculous for the OP to be breaking into the bathroom where her daughter has retreated after getting upset, but depending on the situation, it might be warranted. An obvious example would be if there was any reason to believe that a child would hurt herself (or had hurt herself). Or if she was trying to sneak out the window. Or if she was going in there to be defiant when her mother was attempting to address the issue of her misbehavior. There may be some other situations, but I would think very carefully before violating that boundary with a child and consider what sort of message that sends.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Yeah. I used to pull out the drawers in the bathroom because it was the only way to keep my little brother and sister from getting in when I was in there. They both knew how to pick the lock and neither one had respect for boundaries. It does seem a little ridiculous for the OP to be breaking into the bathroom where her daughter has retreated after getting upset, but depending on the situation, it might be warranted. An obvious example would be if there was any reason to believe that a child would hurt herself (or had hurt herself). Or if she was trying to sneak out the window. Or if she was going in there to be defiant when her mother was attempting to address the issue of her misbehavior. There may be some other situations, but I would think very carefully before violating that boundary with a child and consider what sort of message that sends.

It one thing to keep pesky siblings out it another for a nine year old to flip the power tables on a parent. My kids would never do this. Yes a nine year old girl may need alone time, mine does often. That’s what rooms are for. But as a parent I have complete access at all time in my own house over kids this young. This for me was the most troubling part of the post. The mom has given up parental authority and control. That was part of the original problem in the car, she probably stoked the teasing herself by showing something to someone the daughter was uncomfortable with, not to mention the young boy felt comfortable enough to try to grab the phone and then physically fight with the op’s child. Perhaps the op has residual effects from being bullied herself and gave into the temptation to be a “cool” grownup at her daughters expense. I don’t know. What I do know is the op has almost no control or authority in her own house or car… That is bad for the daughter…

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Dieting is definitely not the solution, in general dieting is useless to worse as as soon as you get off of it the weight tends to come right back. Instead teach her healthier eating habits such as encouraging her to eat more fruits and vegetables via leading by example (most parents and children could use more fruits and vegetables in their diet and children are more likely to do something if their parent also does it). Also encourage drinking water frequently as people often mistake thirst for hunger, cuts out empty calories from soft drinks and reduces appetite, note, you don’t actually need 8 8 ounce glass of water a day, just make sure to drink enough that urine comes out clear or lightly colored. It can be wise to get the entire family to do it which prevents a child from feeling singled out or shamed plus the whole family can probably benefit. The parent can encourage these healthier eating habits by limiting or ceasing the purchase of soft drinks along with buying more fruit and displaying it prominently in the kitchen or dining room.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Yeah. I used to pull out the drawers in the bathroom because it was the only way to keep my little brother and sister from getting in when I was in there. They both knew how to pick the lock and neither one had respect for boundaries.

Well, I am sorry you had to do that. IMO siblings don’t respect other siblings personal space, it is time for parents to step in and do something

 

[Allegra]

It one thing to keep pesky siblings out it another for a nine year old to flip the power tables on a parent. My kids would never do this. Yes a nine year old girl may need alone time, mine does often. That’s what rooms are for. But as a parent I have complete access at all time in my own house over kids this young. This for me was the most troubling part of the post. The mom has given up parental authority and control. That was part of the original problem in the car, she probably stoked the teasing herself by showing something to someone the daughter was uncomfortable with, not to mention the young boy felt comfortable enough to try to grab the phone and then physically fight with the op’s child. Perhaps the op has residual effects from being bullied herself and gave into the temptation to be a “cool” grownup at her daughters expense. I don’t know. What I do know is the op has almost no control or authority in her own house or car… That is bad for the daughter…

That was my point. I wouldn’t have pulled the drawers on my parents because it never would have occurred to me that my parents would bust in on me in the bathroom. Having access and using it are two different things. If a child wants to be alone in the bathroom, it seems really bizarre to me to crash in on them without a serious reason.