I know how you feel. However, it is something we have to bear with to a certain degree. We can have trust, confidence, fear, and love and peace -all- within ourselves at the same time, and seek a proper healthy balance of these. Nowadays people react against all negative emotions as if the were poison instead of meant to serve us, and either over react like fragile lilies to the slightest brush, and cry or become depressed, or they deny them utterly and act outrageously. But these are all meant for our own good properly used, fear, hate, disgust, they have their proper objects - sin, devils, evils, etc.
We require both reward and punishment to motivate us and the holy scriptures are full to the brim of both, God has given them to us aplenty.
‘I never knew thee. . . Depart from me. . .’
‘in fear and trembling’ we seek our our salvation. In the beginning this fear must in fact be of punishment because we lack love, and require it as motivation. Later, this fear is of the horror of offending God which we have finally realized because of love. It is important to realize we should not seek to go from beginning to end without thoroughly learning the beginning lesson, which takes some time. Fear of Hell is something that cultivated properly motivates one to serve and love God, as opposed to an unreasonable fear that paralyzes and depresses, instead a proper virtuous fear motivates and does not paralyze but makes one rely on God more and more greatly.
I often read a good tract on Hell to motivate myself. I really treasure them, they’ve done a great deal of good for me to get moving when if they were not there I would selfishly rest on my laurels not thinking of how many souls so greatly need us to serve God as faithful sons and soldiers to save them from agonies and evils.
How strong is your will for God? It can always be greater. Because the object is infinite, and He can grant us greater and greater love of Himself. The saints are never satisfied. They know the more they love God, the more joy they have, the more of God them know in Heaven and in this life. There are lesser and greater in Heaven.
And on this earth… when we worry about how little we do… well… I understand, I go through that… We have to realize we are like little children, especially in the beginning though. We can do nothing without God. We begin small. Very small, because very likely we have lived in sin and still are only beginning to escape it. Thank God for beginnings!
I mean, you can seek self knowledge and self understanding to see how much your will can bear, see how long you can as it were, hold onto a burning brand before the pain makes you drop it, but even this is not a perfect test, as after all, you have to consider where your will would be at if you had taken care of a great many matters of virtue and improvement of it earlier.
We have trust in God’s perfect goodness despite our flawed wills. We have to trust that if we are sincerely and truly putting good effort in, He will give us what we need to proceed and grow in love. And this is a good trust, because it is His ardent desire for us, which He gave up Himself for. He is a benevolent God, a perfect God, but a benevolent God.
This is where I think, one has to consider mortal sin, and if one became the type of person who would never commit a mortal sin, not on any sudden impulse, or whatnot, then one would feel the better about matters generally. If one had a true horror of it, rather than any delectation in it. This can take some doing if one is male, but if one imagines the gates of Hell often enough, custody of the eyes is achievable as any sensual temptations become replaced by the horror of that, and women become holy to us rather than sources of pleasure of the senses, we become horrified at the thought.
Our true goal is to be the kind of person who never voluntarily commits a venial sin. This is a very worthy goal and the true goal of people who love God.
It’s important to remember that the very will to do good is a grace, and shows God’s presence with us. And that we need to pray for this will like beggars, because we need His strength to do everything – and we wouldn’t have it any other way, because that is what it means to live in Him.
Well, this has gone on a good deal. My apologies if I went a little off too.
‘That we may not be misled by self-love in the management of our affairs, let us not consider them as our own but as anothers’; partiality will thus give way to justice.’
St. Ignatius of Loyola
‘The humble realize that of themselves they are nothing, and that they stand in extreme need of help and grace of heaven; but the proud are convinced that they are full of grace and virtue. That is why God takes pleasure in showering His gifts on the former and in depriving the latter of His bounty.’
St. Augustine
‘I want to follow you and be like you, O my Jesus; I would rather be crucified with you than enjoy all the pleasures of this world without you.’
St. Bernadette Soubirous
Sorry if I have not made myself clear. Carlan
Carlan