Clingy mother

[Pinkyyy]

My mother will not pick up a phone to call me, but if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days, she’s like freaking out - even more now that my phone is not working. Everytime I talk to her her first words to me are “Hi. How are you” in a kind of concerned tone that really annoys me. She has written me at least 3 e-mails that she wants an e-mail daily.

We are planning on moving several states away and at first I was upset at going out of state, but now that she’s acting like this, I am kind of glad to have some space. But, she does not know this yet and she will be against what why we are moving (It’s not bad or anything, she just prefers us to do something else), so it’s going to be a big drama. I am not looking forward to telling her we are going and that she’ll be away from me and my son.

Prayers and advice are greatly appreciated!

 

[sea_star]

Hello, you have my prayers, first of all.
Before I could give you any advice, I might need a few questions answered—if you don’t mind

How old are you? Is your mom a widow? Are you an only child or are you the youngest?

 

[sea_star]

We are planning on moving several states away and at first I was upset at going out of state, but now that she’s acting like this, I am kind of glad to have some space. But, she does not know this yet and she will be against what why we are moving (It’s not bad or anything, she just prefers us to do something else), so it’s going to be a big drama. I am not looking forward to telling her we are going and that she’ll be away from me and my son.

Prayers and advice are greatly appreciated!

Nonetheless, you have a right to move for whatever reason you are, even if she gets upset. Just be understanding (I have learned this with my own mom, in my 40 something years), and* show your compassion for her feelings*, to soften the blow of your departure. Afterall, she won’t be seeing her grandchild either. Hug her and reassure her of visits in the future.

You might just need the space—I understand the feeling. And when you go, all to yourself, you can breathe a sigh of relief. You may even find out, after a time, that you actually miss her…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Since I don’t know how alone your mother is, your family history, your own vulnerability or history of choices you have made, I can’t really say much. Except this:

Take a long look at your son. Add a few years. Picture going days without seeing or hearing from him.

Now treat your mother the way you would want your son to treat you and your relationship with your grandchildren.

Careful now, he’ll be watching. You’ll teach him how to treat you by the way he sees you treat your mother.

 

[mercygate]

Since I don’t know how alone your mother is, your family history, your own vulnerability or history of choices you have made, I can’t really say much. Except this:

Take a long look at your son. Add a few years. Picture going days without seeing or hearing from him.

Now treat your mother the way you would want your son to treat you and your relationship with your grandchildren.

Careful now, he’ll be watching. You’ll teach him how to treat you by the way he sees you treat your mother.

People are different. My DD is 26, on her own, 3000 miles away. We e-mail acouple of times a week. Speak on the phone about once a week – or less. She’s living a busy life and enjoying it. She knows where to come if there’s a problem. How connected does your child have to be when he is grown up and independent?

I love my DD like mad but I do not need to command her attention every living moment of the day.

 

[MCGar]

People are different. My DD is 26, on her own, 3000 miles away. We e-mail acouple of times a week. Speak on the phone about once a week – or less. She’s living a busy life and enjoying it. She knows where to come if there’s a problem. How connected does your child have to be when he is grown up and independent?

I love my DD like mad but I do not need to command her attention every living moment of the day.

Huzzah! Mercygate!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Has she always been this way? Is it part of her personality or has something happened to or changed with either you or her that would cause her to be more anxious?

Now, as an adult you have every right to your own life. You get to make the rules. Just decide what is really important to you.

For instance, obviously your move is something that will happen no matter how much drama she kicks up over it. Do your best to reassure her if she has worries/fears and then get on with your life.

As for talking to you every day or at least getting a daily email… would it really be so hard for you to send her a short and sweet email once a day? It could be just a “hi mom…hope you have a great day in this beautiful weather we are having”.

Sometimes having someone who is “annoying” in our lives can make us want to throw the baby out with the bath water. But just remember that this is HER way of showing love to you. Acknowledge that. (hopefully it is true that your mother is a loving woman and not some controlling psycho).

Life is too short and there wil come a time when your mom won’t be there anymore to nag you about phoning, to worry about you over silly things, or to annoy you. You will miss it and wonder why on earth you let it get to you so much.**

 

[Pinkyyy]

Thanks, I mean, I will make more of an effort, but really she is kind of extreme. My brother does not get treated like this. I mean, he’s managed to get out and have a life without having to phone mommy every day, lol. Everyone’s lucky if they hear from him once a week - and me once a month! I mean, he’s very busy, but he doesn’t get this from her.

I mean, I do write or talk to her at least 2-3 times a week and I used to call. As I said my phone is broken now. My husband is gone to where we’re moving to get things ready so he has the phone. She wrote me 2 days ago and said write me everyday. I wrote her and said we’re sick so she won’t hear from me for a few days (we all were sick). Still she writes why am I not hearing from you? Then another e-mail the same day - why haven’t you gone to the Dr? Then another one saying "what is wrong with you guys there - flu or cold? And then as I told her because we are sick I wouldn’t write for a few days, so I didn’t write her that day or the next. Get on today to write and I get a “we need to hear from you more often” - and don’t we still have my husband’s cell phone so I need to call her. I mean, I don’t have the cell - he’s gone. And I am not telling her yet about the move until it’s finalized. And before he left, I tried to call her on his cell, but you know what - she’s online a lot, and she never picked up so it’s kind of her bad luck. So, I wrote her an e-mail.

It’s just sometimes overwhelming and I think it’s good that we’re moving. We may be back later, but for right now, I think this is the way to go.

Anyway, thank you for all your answers and I’ll give this a lot of thought.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**If your brother doesn’t get the same treatment then I am going to venture a guess that this may have more to do with you than with her. And I only say this because I have a similar type of mom and I have a sister. My sister just doesn’t put up with it. She set her boundaries firm from day one and I didn’t. I won’t get into the details of it all but I can tell you that I found a lot more peace with the situation when I realized that I was a part of the problem.

If you don’t want to talk to her everyday (which is perfectly fine as an adult!!!) then you need to tell her that. She won’t listen to you of course but each time she nags at you for not calling, you just can’t get worked up over it. A quick “sorry mom, I’ve been busy” and then a change of subject. If she goes on an on, cut the call short. She’ll eventually get the message that you are a grown up now.

Something I have learned about drama…there can’t be any if you don’t play your part:thumbsup:**

 

[noclevername]

I hate to say this, but please be thankful that you have your mother around to bother you. My mother died when I was 22 years old and I miss her dearly. I would give just about anything to have her here annoying the crud out of me every day of my life.