Close friend who's gay, problem or not?

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I need opinions from Catholic parents! My 18-year old daughter has a small group of friends. She will, on rare occasions, spend time with other people, but this small group is her primary social circle. The group consists of a girl she’s known for several years, that girl’s boyfriend, and his gay best friend. The young man who’s gay has not come out yet. His family isn’t aware of his sexual orientation, and he’s not dating or living a gay lifestyle. They go for coffee, watch videos, spend time at one another’s homes, cook a meal together…nothing worrisome about their activities. Nonetheless, my husband and I are concerned that this social group is unhealthy and dangerous to our daughter’s continued development as a young, Catholic woman. Our daughter is a tender-hearted girl and while she’s always had friends, meeting people and making friends doesn’t come easily to her. She’s not currently dating, though she did have a boyfriend for a time. She regularly attends Mass and seems to have a solid faith. She says she hopes to have a Catholic marriage and raise her children in the faith. We’re concerned on a number of levels: that her close friendship with this boy is satisfying a normal need for male attention and companionship. (She says it’s not.) That she will eventually have to make the decision to sever ties with him or drastically change the nature of their friendship, and that will be made difficult, if not impossible, by their current relationship. And that this time in her life would better be spent in different social groups given her stated goals of marriage and family. Are we overly concerned? Is it, as she believes, just a group of people who enjoy the same things and not a big deal? Where do you fall on a scale of “quit worrying, it’s nothing” to “do anything in your power to end this friendship?” Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
 
Your daughter is 18, to try to meddle in her friendships, especially when nothing dangerous or illegal is happening, would be crossing a huge red line.

If he isn’t out, how do you know he’s gay? Did he explicitly tell your daughter?

I had several gay friends as a teenager, and my very best friend was a gay guy. It worked out really well, because I learned a lot about men and how they think in a completely non threatening way. He did fill my desire for male companionship to a certain extent, but at 18 I wasn’t ready for something serious anyway. It was nice having a friend that could be my date to weddings, prom, etc without any pressure or worry about lines being crossed. It was also great to always have a man around to walk me to my car and just to help keep me and the other girls in our group safe. One time, I actually was attacked in a parking lot and this friend came bolting out of the gas station to my defense.
 
How would your daughter having a gay friend be in any way harmful, OP? Male companionship at her age, especially like that, is just fine.
 
Well, I haven’t been in your situation, but I’ve been in one similar to your daughter’s. My advice?

First off, she’s 18. At this point, she really has the right to choose her own friends and associates. Also, it sounds as though she has her head screwed on straight.

I have been in a similar situation to the one she is in, though. In college, I didn’t really date, partly because I didn’t have the time to put into a serious relationship: I was in school full time in a rather intense program while working three jobs. Also, I was still figuring out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I did have a number of friends though, and one was a gay man. I had made it clear to him what I believed about homosexuality and the human person–i.e., what the Church believes, that to have SSA isn’t a sin, but acting on it is, human beings are much more than our sexual appetites, etc. I was one of the first people he came out to because he knew I believed that. Why? Well, bear in mind that we lived in the South, and that the few people he’d discussed it with were of various branches of Christianity that taught that because he had SSA, he was automatically going to Hell, which of course makes no logical sense at all.

Obviously, I was careful not to get my heart involved beyond caring for this guy as I would any other friend. We would hang out together, as your daughter does, in a mixed group of friends. Occasionally, if a school function implied that we “ought” to have a date, we’d go together. (This was especially great if the function–a concert, say–was in a questionable area of town and ended rather late.)

I’m married now, and live in another area entirely, but if I did live in the town in which this guy lives my husband certainly wouldn’t be threatened by our friendship, nor would he expect us to break it off. Of course, this guy and I would still be careful: he and I wouldn’t hang out one-on-one, just as I wouldn’t now with any man. However, if my husband felt threatened by meeting a group of four or five of my friends for dinner and drinks on occasion, and one of them happened to be a gay man…well, I’d say the problem was his, and not my friend’s. (For the record, DH wouldn’t have a problem with this at all.) My husband has female friends at work, and he does the same thing: he and they sometimes go out for lunch in a mixed group, and I have no problem with that, but he’d never go out to lunch one-on-one with a female friend, just as I wouldn’t meet this guy by myself for lunch or coffee.

One of the reasons this friendship has worked out as well as it has, and would work out well in the future if we were in the same area, would be that we were both quite honest from the beginning–he about his SSA, and me about the Church’s teaching. If, for example, he and a partner were to come into town and wanted to stay at our place, he wouldn’t be surprised or offended by our request that they stay in separate rooms because he already knows our beliefs about SSA behavior; we wouldn’t be springing them on him in the heat of the moment, so to speak. He respects our beliefs, and we respect, albeit disagree with, his.

All relationships, friendships included, must be founded on respect and courtesy. It would be one thing if this man were practicing that lifestyle, came over to your house, and insisted upon making out with his partner in front of you. (Frankly, that would be obnoxious behavior in anyone, never mind the sexes of the people involved!) However, by demonstrating that she respects him and cares about him as a human being…well, you never know what might happen. Perhaps it may spark his interest in the Church, even! In any case, I don’t understand the mentality that because a person has a certain attraction, one shouldn’t be their friend. It would be one thing if they were disrespectful of the would-be friend’s beliefs or rude about their Faith–we aren’t required to put up with rude or abusive behavior–but if they aren’t, why not be a friend? Surely that’s part of being Christ to everyone?
 
I think our concerns are primarily motivated by the intensity and exclusivity of the friendship, and what that might mean for future relationships. I have gay friends, but those friendships aren’t my ONLY friendships. To address a couple of specific responses, yes, he told her he’s gay. Also, we COULD pressure her by taking away her car, etc., but that sounds like a REALLY bad idea under the circumstances.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, and prayers!
 
What is wrong with him? If the young man is not engaging in any immoral activities, he is OK. Most young women have male friends who are like brothers to them, and keep them as friends even after they marry. If this fellow is like a brother to her for the rest of their lives, more power to them! Are we to think that gays will have an easier time living a chaste life if they become pariahs with no praiseworthy social support system to help them through life? There is no reason to believe this will not be a mutually-beneficial friendship.

Worry about friends who warp her desires towards accumulation and inciting lust in others in order to garner popularity. Concern yourself with teaching her to encourage her friend to remain chaste, just as she ought to do with her other friends. This fellow seems fine, though. Besides, he is still very young and he is exhibiting self-mastery so far. If his tendencies are not deep-seated, he may even enter the religious life, who knows?
 
goldie28 said:
I need opinions from Catholic parents! My 18-year old daughter has a small group of friends. She will, on rare occasions, spend time with other people, but this small group is her primary social circle. The group consists of a girl she’s known for several years, that girl’s boyfriend, and his gay best friend. The young man who’s gay has not come out yet. His family isn’t aware of his sexual orientation, and he’s not dating or living a gay lifestyle. They go for coffee, watch videos, spend time at one another’s homes, cook a meal together…nothing worrisome about their activities. Nonetheless, my husband and I are concerned that this social group is unhealthy and dangerous to our daughter’s continued development as a young, Catholic woman. Our daughter is a tender-hearted girl and while she’s always had friends, meeting people and making friends doesn’t come easily to her. She’s not currently dating, though she did have a boyfriend for a time. She regularly attends Mass and seems to have a solid faith. She says she hopes to have a Catholic marriage and raise her children in the faith. We’re concerned on a number of levels: that her close friendship with this boy is satisfying a normal need for male attention and companionship. (She says it’s not.) That she will eventually have to make the decision to sever ties with him or drastically change the nature of their friendship, and that will be made difficult, if not impossible, by their current relationship. And that this time in her life would better be spent in different social groups given her stated goals of marriage and family. Are we overly concerned? Is it, as she believes, just a group of people who enjoy the same things and not a big deal? Where do you fall on a scale of “quit worrying, it’s nothing” to “do anything in your power to end this friendship?” Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
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My good friend in high school was in the closet but pretty wide known he was gay. The only way it affected me was to get off the hate train and understand how to really show kindness to people who struggle with this orientation and the corresponding sins.

Try not to Meddle too much in your adult daughters life. She should obey your rules as long as she lives with you , but dictating her friends is a sure way to push her away at this point. Take some confidence in how you raised her.
 
goldie28 said:
I need opinions from Catholic parents! My 18-year old daughter has a small group of friends. She will, on rare occasions, spend time with other people, but this small group is her primary social circle. The group consists of a girl she’s known for several years, that girl’s boyfriend, and his gay best friend. The young man who’s gay has not come out yet. His family isn’t aware of his sexual orientation, and he’s not dating or living a gay lifestyle. They go for coffee, watch videos, spend time at one another’s homes, cook a meal together…nothing worrisome about their activities. Nonetheless, my husband and I are concerned that this social group is unhealthy and dangerous to our daughter’s continued development as a young, Catholic woman. Our daughter is a tender-hearted girl and while she’s always had friends, meeting people and making friends doesn’t come easily to her. She’s not currently dating, though she did have a boyfriend for a time. She regularly attends Mass and seems to have a solid faith. She says she hopes to have a Catholic marriage and raise her children in the faith. We’re concerned on a number of levels: that her close friendship with this boy is satisfying a normal need for male attention and companionship. (She says it’s not.) That she will eventually have to make the decision to sever ties with him or drastically change the nature of their friendship, and that will be made difficult, if not impossible, by their current relationship. And that this time in her life would better be spent in different social groups given her stated goals of marriage and family. Are we overly concerned? Is it, as she believes, just a group of people who enjoy the same things and not a big deal? Where do you fall on a scale of “quit worrying, it’s nothing” to “do anything in your power to end this friendship?” Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
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I believe, IMO, that you are kind over concerned and a bit hypocritical.
 
My best friend of 11 years is gay. We met when I was around your daughter’s age. He has been a blessing and has supported me in good times and bad, through breakups and college and quite a few jobs and deaths of family members. It seems like your daughters friend is a good person and your daughter has her head on straight. There a much worse people, she could be hanging out with.
 
goldie28 said:
I think our concerns are primarily motivated by the intensity and exclusivity of the friendship, and what that might mean for future relationships. I have gay friends, but those friendships aren’t my ONLY friendships. To address a couple of specific responses, yes, he told her he’s gay. Also, we COULD pressure her by taking away her car, etc., but that sounds like a REALLY bad idea under the circumstances.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, and prayers!
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I would encourage her to be a loving friend, and and also to be honest with him about her beliefs, so that they CAN have a friendship based on respect for the each other. I would also encourage and support her in any efforts to find friendship and support for her faith. This doesn’t mean excluding her friend - it means ALSO seeking to find support for your life and values. Lots of people have a variety of friends, who fit differently into their lives. For people of faith, it is often very helpful to have friends who share your faith. It doesn’t have to be either/or. That is how I would frame it to her. The fact that this friendship came first doesn’t mean she won’t also be able to eventually have friends who share her beliefs and values (that is assuming this boy does not - actually I am not clear that that is a fair assumption). She is shy - it will take time. She is young - she has time to slowly form those relationships - I’d encourage her to get involved in faith-based activities to plant the seeds for friendships, and even without actual friendships, to be in a place where her values are normal. The reality is, if she does nurture that side, it will likely grow, and who her “closest friends” are may very well change. In fact, I would say it is very likely to change.
 
Sorry if this sounds judgmental.

This boy from what you say is gay but is fighting it. Then he has not sinned in anyway it is just the same with a man struggling with masterbation. Your daughter is fine and I won’t fear for her faith.
 
goldie28 said:
I need opinions from Catholic parents! My 18-year old daughter has a small group of friends. She will, on rare occasions, spend time with other people, but this small group is her primary social circle. The group consists of a girl she’s known for several years, that girl’s boyfriend, and his gay best friend. The young man who’s gay has not come out yet. His family isn’t aware of his sexual orientation, and he’s not dating or living a gay lifestyle. They go for coffee, watch videos, spend time at one another’s homes, cook a meal together…nothing worrisome about their activities. Nonetheless, my husband and I are concerned that this social group is unhealthy and dangerous to our daughter’s continued development as a young, Catholic woman. Our daughter is a tender-hearted girl and while she’s always had friends, meeting people and making friends doesn’t come easily to her. She’s not currently dating, though she did have a boyfriend for a time. She regularly attends Mass and seems to have a solid faith. She says she hopes to have a Catholic marriage and raise her children in the faith. We’re concerned on a number of levels: that her close friendship with this boy is satisfying a normal need for male attention and companionship. (She says it’s not.) That she will eventually have to make the decision to sever ties with him or drastically change the nature of their friendship, and that will be made difficult, if not impossible, by their current relationship. And that this time in her life would better be spent in different social groups given her stated goals of marriage and family. Are we overly concerned? Is it, as she believes, just a group of people who enjoy the same things and not a big deal? Where do you fall on a scale of “quit worrying, it’s nothing” to “do anything in your power to end this friendship?” Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
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First of all, it’s always nice to see that there are parents out there who care about their kids even after they turn 18.

Now, as far as her friends go, I’d more worried about the whole male companion thing if she was say, 30 and not getting on with her life.

But it sounds like you want her on the track to a serious relationship at 18? I don’t know that’s a good idea. I know when I was 18 if I had married the girl I liked, it would have been bad because she wasn’t the innocent kid I went to religion class with. 🤷

Also, does your daughter plan on going to college away from her friends? That in and of itself just forces people to adjust to a new environment and find new friends they see on a more regular basis. She can still be friends with these folks, too, but it won’t be as time consuming.

Having a gay friend does not mean the gay friend will necessarily impact her faith, but it may be a good idea sooner rather than later for you both to discuss with your daughter why homosexuality is wrong and why gay “marriage” isn’t good for the state. Sometimes, teenagers will rush to defend their friends no matter what.

I would say don’t force the issue, but you and your appraise yourselves of what your daughter does and do be involved.

It sounds like you have anything to worry about right now, but I think you’re in a place by just asking questions and being a parent to your child. 👍
 
goldie28 said:
I need opinions from Catholic parents! My 18-year old daughter has a small group of friends. She will, on rare occasions, spend time with other people, but this small group is her primary social circle. The group consists of a girl she’s known for several years, that girl’s boyfriend, and his gay best friend. The young man who’s gay has not come out yet. His family isn’t aware of his sexual orientation, and he’s not dating or living a gay lifestyle. They go for coffee, watch videos, spend time at one another’s homes, cook a meal together…nothing worrisome about their activities. Nonetheless, my husband and I are concerned that this social group is unhealthy and dangerous to our daughter’s continued development as a young, Catholic woman. Our daughter is a tender-hearted girl and while she’s always had friends, meeting people and making friends doesn’t come easily to her. She’s not currently dating, though she did have a boyfriend for a time. She regularly attends Mass and seems to have a solid faith. She says she hopes to have a Catholic marriage and raise her children in the faith. We’re concerned on a number of levels: that her close friendship with this boy is satisfying a normal need for male attention and companionship. (She says it’s not.) That she will eventually have to make the decision to sever ties with him or drastically change the nature of their friendship, and that will be made difficult, if not impossible, by their current relationship. And that this time in her life would better be spent in different social groups given her stated goals of marriage and family. Are we overly concerned? Is it, as she believes, just a group of people who enjoy the same things and not a big deal? Where do you fall on a scale of “quit worrying, it’s nothing” to “do anything in your power to end this friendship?” Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
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Quit worrying, it’s nothing!
 
Loving_disciple said:
Sorry if this sounds judgmental.

This boy from what you say is gay but is fighting it. Then he has not sinned in anyway it is just the same with a man struggling with masterbation. Your daughter is fine and I won’t fear for her faith.
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How do you know?

I’m not asking in a skeptical tone, but I am curious.
 
My best friend of about 10 years is gay. We became friends in high school and she is still my very best friend. I also have a gay guy friend. He’s a wonderful shopping partner. He is totally honest with me about what looks good on me.

I think the Catechism says something about having compassion for homosexuals, not turning our backs on them.
 
The whole issue is only a problem if the young man in question is somehow a bad influence, and so far there’s nothing to suggest that.

If I did suspect that someone I knew had a friend that was a bad influence, the first thing I’d do is make sure I have a legitimate and unbiased reason for concern before taking any further steps. If that ever came to pass, then I’d try to present my reasoning in the most objective way possible, because as we all know, people can be very defensive if they feel their friends are being attacked.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
I would encourage her to be a loving friend, and and also to be honest with him about her beliefs, so that they CAN have a friendship based on respect for the each other. I would also encourage and support her in any efforts to find friendship and support for her faith. This doesn’t mean excluding her friend - it means ALSO seeking to find support for your life and values. Lots of people have a variety of friends, who fit differently into their lives. For people of faith, it is often very helpful to have friends who share your faith. It doesn’t have to be either/or. That is how I would frame it to her. The fact that this friendship came first doesn’t mean she won’t also be able to eventually have friends who share her beliefs and values (that is assuming this boy does not - actually I am not clear that that is a fair assumption). She is shy - it will take time. She is young - she has time to slowly form those relationships - I’d encourage her to get involved in faith-based activities to plant the seeds for friendships, and even without actual friendships, to be in a place where her values are normal. The reality is, if she does nurture that side, it will likely grow, and who her “closest friends” are may very well change. In fact, I would say it is very likely to change.
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Great advice, ThyKingdomCome. I’m happy I posted this question because you’ve all given me a lot to think about. I think I’ve been in a “can’t see the forest for the trees” place. Going to take a deep breath, keep the lines of communication open, pray, and give it to God.
 
Oh! And, he claims he’s an atheist, for those who’ve wondered.
 
If it was a female friend then I would be worried.
What harm could this guy possibly do? I would rather my teen daughter be friends with a celebate gay male then a non-celebate straight one, and not just for the fabulous hair and makeup tips either.🙂
 
Havard said:
The whole issue is only a problem if the young man in question is somehow a bad influence, and so far there’s nothing to suggest that.

If I did suspect that someone I knew had a friend that was a bad influence, the first thing I’d do is make sure I have a legitimate and unbiased reason for concern before taking any further steps. If that ever came to pass, then I’d try to present my reasoning in the most objective way possible, because as we all know, people can be very defensive if they feel their friends are being attacked.
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Yes, this. Nothing in what has been presented so far sounds like he is a bad influence, in fact, the way the OP worded it makes it sound like what they are really concerned with is the fact that their daughter might not find a man to marry because at the young age of 18 she isn’t hanging out with any available guys. Which, to be honest, seems kind of ridiculous to me. OP, your daughter will grow, life will hit these teenagers and they will move on to college and work whatever cities and states that spreads them out to. Thats how life works. Your daughter will have plenty of opportunities to meet men for her to marry (assuming, of course she is not called to the single or religious life). This is **not **something to be concerned about.
 
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