Close friend who's gay, problem or not?

[thewanderer]

Oh! And, he claims he’s an atheist, for those who’ve wondered.

Is his atheism poorly affecting your daughter? From the sound of it (She is an engaged Catholic planning to marry in the Catholic Church according to Catholic rules) it seems as though this is not a bad influence on her. When I first started college I roomed with an agnostic/atheist and we became the best of friends, she never tried to belittle what I believe nor I what she believed, in fact, we had some very interesting and insightful conversations about faith and God together which I found helpful for my faith which I would not have been able to have with most people. If you see a particular way this relationship is harming your daughters faith, then set some time aside one day to talk gently and charitably about it (as much as possible removing all influence of you dislike of this relationship from the conversation) see what she thinks about what you see as a bad influence, wheter or not you have even correctly understood what was going on etc. and leave it at that. Your daughter is 18, she will soon be leaving the nest, and how you treat her now will very likely determine how often she decides to come back. This relationship, at least from what you have told us, does not sound problematic. Let her be and give her time to grow and learn what God’s plan is for her. Who says she is even called to married life?

 

[thewanderer]

If it was a female friend then I would be worried.
What harm could this guy possibly do? I would rather my teen daughter be friends with a celebate gay male then a non-celebate straight one, and not just for the fabulous hair and makeup tips either.

I have to admit… I’m a little confused by this. I don’t understand why a SSA female is any worse than a SSA male. Either way one of the two involved could become attracted to the other. With the current situation the daughter may potentially become attracted to the boy, but because of his orientation it will not be reciprocal. If it were a SSA female, she may potentially become attracted to the daughter, but the daughter would never return the attraction, so again, it would be a one-sided thing, not reciprocal. I don’t really see why one of those would be worse than the other. Though I do agree that a chaste person no matter their gender or sexual orientation is better than an unchaste player out looking to put more notches in his belt.

 

[Catolico65]

I would say if your daughter is strong in her faith at this age it would be ok. What we know about homosexuality from science is that it is not biological and is not part of God’s plan so there is hope people can change like this young man and your daughter may be a part of that. In fact studies show the majority of people that suffer from SSA change to heterosexual desires later on. My advice to her would be to be a friend and stay strong in her faith and help this young man to know Christ and trust in what God has made in him. Peace.

 

[Auntie_A]

I have two gay brothers and one lesbian sister amongst the ten of us. . I have many friends, acquaintances and associates in business and in the arts who are gay. My closest friend for 40 years is a gay male. That said, I wouldn’t say to you, “Quit worrying. It’s nothing.” It’s SOMETHING.

Our media wants to normalize the gay world but every one of my gay friends and siblings will admit it is not simple and normal.

I have gone through the ups and downs, highs and lows, pains and gains in my siblings’ and friends’ lives. And yes, they have had partners. My sister married a man and had two kids and divorced him five years later…she has had a string of women in her life, some nice, some disturbing…one of my brothers had a partner for many years–they both died of AIDS, we loved them very much…;one brother has been chaste for most of his life, he’s been the solid uncle for many generations in our family, and had a few messy relationships that caused me worry…

.I have lost some of my gay male friends to AIDS, and many are struggling with H.I.V. issues and meds…I have friends who didn’t know if they were gay or straight–One guy married a woman and had kids but complained to me that he wasn’t "satisfied…they are no longer together. One man was married to a woman, left her, lived with a man for 20 years and then ended that and married a woman again!

Many of these people drifted toward me perhaps because my family had so many gay people and my mom was a very loving and accepting (and Catholic)woman. Many of these people were rejected by their own families.

NOW, I also have worried about my straight family and friends, have lost some of them to death, addiction, and illness, seen them go through weird relationships and marriage and family break-ups. Of all of my friends, the ones who have worried me the least have been my Catholic friends, most of whom are married with children. They have troubles but seem to weather the storms better than most.

I wish it were a different world for many of my gay friends. Many have said, “If this were a choice, do you think I’d actually CHOOSE this?” All of that said, I would never do anything differently in the friendship department except for one thing: 1.) I WOULD PRAY MORE AND TRY TO WORRY LESS.

God sent me a very assorted group of people to know and love. We grew up through a social and sexual revolution that has had dubious merits. The ones who have remained sane and whole were the ones whose families loved them, and the ones who loved and obeyed Our Lord.

Encourage your daughter to talk with you about her friends–ALL of them. Never assume because one of them is gay that they are cause for more or less worry. They WILL have problems. Continue talking about Jesus and demonstrate to all of her friends your Catholic faith in action.

I wish you and your family much love, blessings, and grace to understand our complex world.

 

[Havard]

If it was a female friend then I would be worried.
What harm could this guy possibly do? I would rather my teen daughter be friends with a celebate gay male then a non-celebate straight one, and not just for the fabulous hair and makeup tips either.

I know it seems like a benign stereotype, but I think it’s a good policy not to make such associations. There is a diversity of personalities and interests among gay guys (and gals) and not all of them love the stereotypical associations.

 

[Catolico65]

Many have said, “If this were a choice, do you think I’d actually CHOOSE this?”

With all due respect and to not stray off topic this has to be the most ingenuous statement I have ever heard(not blaming you of course) I was sexually molested and had homosexual thoughts but didn’t go out and have sex with people because of that. Then after Jesus Christ relieved me of that cross and I only had normal desires I didn’t use that as an excuse to go out and have sex with women either. In other words people do have a choice as to what they do with other people. Of course it doesn’t help that our society promotes homosexuality to our children and convinces them they can’t change. It is such a tragedy and we should be praying constantly and doing what we can to get the truth out - Jesus heals broken minds and souls.

 

[Annie39]

With all due respect and to not stray off topic this has to be the most ingenuous statement I have ever heard(not blaming you of course) I was sexually molested and had homosexual thoughts but didn’t go out and have sex with people because of that. Then after Jesus Christ relieved me of that cross and I only had normal desires I didn’t use that as an excuse to go out and have sex with women either. In other words people do have a choice as to what they do with other people. Of course it doesn’t help that our society promotes homosexuality to our children and convinces them they can’t change. It is such a tragedy and we should be praying constantly and doing what we can to get the truth out - Jesus heals broken minds and souls.

Finally some sanity; I have been reading this thread with such sorrow. It is so disheartening to read all the secular thoughts and language regarding homosexuality (not gay, gay means happy). These poor people who have the disorder have probably been through much the same as you have. I have a friend who was sexually molested by a female (yes I believe her when she tearfully told me about it) and she had homosexual thoughts as well but she realized that this was caused by the satanic thing that happened to her. Even though I agree that there is little if anything the mother can do except caution her daughter I still believe that the biggest danger as is seen here is that homosexuality is normal and isn’t a problem

 

[thewanderer]

Finally some sanity; I have been reading this thread with such sorrow. It is so disheartening to read all the secular thoughts and language regarding homosexuality (not gay, gay means happy). These poor people who have the disorder have probably been through much the same as you have. I have a friend who was sexually molested by a female (yes I believe her when she tearfully told me about it) and she had homosexual thoughts as well but she realized that this was caused by the satanic thing that happened to her. Even though I agree that there is little if anything the mother can do except caution her daughter I still believe that the biggest danger as is seen here is that homosexuality is normal and isn’t a problem

I’m sorry, but would you mind quoting the people who have been presenting secular thoughts about homosexuality? People on this thread aren’t answering the question of whether homosexuality is normal or good or anything like that, they are answering the question of whether the OP should try and restrict their 18 yr old daughters friendship with a closeted chaste homosexual man. And the answer seems to be a resounding no. Just because we think there is no reason to end this friendship doesn’t mean we think homoesxuality is perfectly normal.

 

[Havard]

Just because we think there is no reason to end this friendship doesn’t mean we think homoesxuality is perfectly normal.

+1

 

[mommy_k]

I have to admit… I’m a little confused by this. I don’t understand why a SSA female is any worse than a SSA male. Either way one of the two involved could become attracted to the other. With the current situation the daughter may potentially become attracted to the boy, but because of his orientation it will not be reciprocal. If it were a SSA female, she may potentially become attracted to the daughter, but the daughter would never return the attraction, so again, it would be a one-sided thing, not reciprocal. I don’t really see why one of those would be worse than the other. Though I do agree that a chaste person no matter their gender or sexual orientation is better than an unchaste player out looking to put more notches in his belt.

Because now a sexual element is there. I would not want my daughter put into this position of of fighting off advances, whether or not the person is gay. Even if the other person is celebate now- that does not mean they will be celebate forever. Especially if they do not follow the moral compass regarding sex and marrrige of he Catholic faith, as such with an athiest.

 

[Catolico65]

Finally some sanity; I have been reading this thread with such sorrow. It is so disheartening to read all the secular thoughts and language regarding homosexuality (not gay, gay means happy). These poor people who have the disorder have probably been through much the same as you have. I have a friend who was sexually molested by a female (yes I believe her when she tearfully told me about it) and she had homosexual thoughts as well but she realized that this was caused by the satanic thing that happened to her. Even though I agree that there is little if anything the mother can do except caution her daughter I still believe that the biggest danger as is seen here is that homosexuality is normal and isn’t a problem

I agree, we need to pray and direct people to the Holy Bible and the Catechism. I also recommend repenting of any and every guilty or bad thought just in case and it cleans up my thoughts every time. Understandably, when people promote that homosexual thoughts are normal, as is now the case even among many Catholics, people do not feel the need to repent, and thus prolong their condition. If they only knew the truth!

 

[Annie39]

I’m sorry, but would you mind quoting the people who have been presenting secular thoughts about homosexuality? People on this thread aren’t answering the question of whether homosexuality is normal or good or anything like that, they are answering the question of whether the OP should try and restrict their 18 yr old daughters friendship with a closeted chaste homosexual man. And the answer seems to be a resounding no. Just because we think there is no reason to end this friendship doesn’t mean we think homoesxuality is perfectly normal.

It’s the laissez faire attitude toward a sin that cry to heaven for vengeance sodomy (Gn 17:20-21). It’s calling homosexuality “gay”. It is not normal to have sexual desires for same sex. It is disordered and the person who has temptations toward this sort of sin needs to be set free not placated. I know a man who was abused in this manner as a child and grew up to be a molester of teen boys.

I expected to get a lot of heat for this but today a niece told me that she met her cousin and her wife for lunch yesterday (that cousin is my other niece from another sibling) I am just sick.

 

[Annie39]

I agree, we need to pray and direct people to the Holy Bible and the Catechism. I also recommend repenting of any and every guilty or bad thought just in case and it cleans up my thoughts every time. Understandably, when people promote that homosexual thoughts are normal, as is now the case even among many Catholics, people do not feel the need to repent, and thus prolong their condition. If they only knew the truth!

Exactly

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

It’s the laissez faire attitude toward a sin that cry to heaven for vengeance sodomy (Gn 17:20-21).

Laissez-faire attitude towards sodomy, huh?

Of all the people referenced by the original poster, which one of them is committing sodomy?

In this thread, who has said anything even remotely similar to “sodomy is no big deal!”

Annie39:

r I still believe that the biggest danger as is seen here is that homosexuality is normal and isn’t a problem

Who said that in this thread?

 

[mommy_k]

I know it seems like a benign stereotype, but I think it’s a good policy not to make such associations. There is a diversity of personalities and interests among gay guys (and gals) and not all of them love the stereotypical associations.

I did not mean this as an insult. Point taken.

 

[thewanderer]

Because now a sexual element is there. I would not want my daughter put into this position of of fighting off advances, whether or not the person is gay. Even if the other person is celebate now- that does not mean they will be celebate forever. Especially if they do not follow the moral compass regarding sex and marrrige of he Catholic faith, as such with an athiest.

The sexual element is there in any of the above situations, in one case it could come in from the daughter in the others from other people… there’s really just no way to avoid it.

Also… I have to ask, you made it sound like you would not want your daughter near either a SSA female or an unchaste straight male… why did you make the distinction between chaste and unchaste with a straight male but not with a SSA female? Would you be comfortable with your daughter hanging out with chaste SSA females and chaste SSA males? only chaste males? or neither?

 

[Catolico65]

Laissez-faire attitude towards sodomy, huh?

I expect she means in general.

 

[Annie39]

Laissez-faire attitude towards sodomy, huh?

Of all the people referenced by the original poster, which one of them is committing sodomy?

In this thread, who has said anything even remotely similar to “sodomy is no big deal!”

Who said that in this thread?

Implied throughout this thread

 

[Annie39]

I expect she means in general.

In general and implied throughout this thread

 

[thewanderer]

It’s the laissez faire attitude toward a sin that cry to heaven for vengeance sodomy (Gn 17:20-21). It’s calling homosexuality “gay”. It is not normal to have sexual desires for same sex. It is disordered and the person who has temptations toward this sort of sin needs to be set free not placated. I know a man who was abused in this manner as a child and grew up to be a molester of teen boys.

I expected to get a lot of heat for this but today a niece told me that she met her cousin and her wife for lunch yesterday (that cousin is my other niece from another sibling) I am just sick.

Again, I do not see the problems you see in this thread. Please quote specifics that you have a problem with rather than making general aspersions against everyone in this thread.

As for the idea that using the word “gay” somehow means you think homosexuality is just perfectly fine and normal… I’m sorry, but thats just not what that word means. It has become just another word for meaning someone experiences physical attraction to people of the same sex as themselves. From the oxford dictionary

Gay meaning ‘homosexual,’ dating back to the 1930s (if not earlier), became established in the 1960s as the term preferred by homosexual men to describe themselves. It is now the standard accepted term throughout the English-speaking world. As a result, the centuries-old other senses of gay meaning either ‘carefree’ or ‘bright and showy,’ once common in speech and literature, are much less frequent. The word gay cannot be readily used today in these older senses without sounding old-fashioned or arousing a sense of double entendre, despite concerted attempts by some to keep them alive. Gay in its modern sense typically refers to men (lesbian being the standard term for homosexual women), but in some contexts it can be used of both men and women.

There is nothing in there about the term gay meaning homosexuality is normal, it is just another word for homosexual. While I understand that you personally interpret it as giving a positive slant to homosexuality that is not how the vast majority of people use it. So the fact that it has been used here in no way suggests that people think homosexual behavior is acceptable or moral.