Close Opposite-sex Friends Poll

[whatevergirl]

I guess when I think of ‘close’ friends, there needs to be time to keep that relationship going. My husband and kids come before all else (except God of course) and so, when would I have all this time to spend on the phone with a man, who is not my husband? haha I don’t see a problem with having friends of the opposite sex, but for a relationship to remain close, lots of time–either on the phone, email, in person, needs to be spent on another. I have close female friends, where the relationship wouldn’t be close, if we didn’t talk to each other for weeks on end, etc. So, are we really talking close close…or just is it ok to have a friend of the opposite sex? I don’t think it’s appropriate to spend more time with a friend, than with your spouse, put it that way–or for that person to be over at the house every minute of the day. That might get old.

Unless that person wants to help me unpack…then, I’ll be his/her best friend!

 

[catholic79]

Is it appropriate for a married person to have close opposite-sex friends?

By close I mean a friend who is someone that you would call up and talk to one-on-one about personal issues. That you seek personal advice from. For example, if you’re having difficulties in your marriage. Someone that you may spend more than a few minutes on the phone with and regularly hold one-on-one private discussions with. Someone you possibly might go out to lunch or dinner with. I hope that portrays well enough what I mean by ‘close’ friend.

I disagree with your definition of close friend. I don’t think its appropriate to discuss marital issues with friends or family its not fair to them or your spouse.

That said I think it is fine to have close friendships, gender is unimportant.

 

[strngrnrth]

If you’re really friends, why would anything illicit happen?

 

[whatevergirl]

Another thought too, is that when a man and woman marry–they become one. Two people, joining together to become one. My husband and I have different interests, etc…but everything should be shared, and done for the good of the family. I think that if I had a male close friend, I would be hopeful that that close friend would be close with both of us, not just me. I think that when two people marry, they no longer have separate lives, but one another’s friends, should become friends of one another. I think that if a person’s close friend didn’t want that, then it would show that ‘friend’ is not only not a friend, but didn’t have good intentions.

I like to think the best of people, and as Christians, I think we should give people the benefit of the doubt…but, I think that once a person marries…they shouldn’t have to cut off true friendships, but those friendships can also transfer into the marriage.

 

[dakotagirl]

Eeeek!! I can’t imagine someone sharing details of their sex life outside of a pastoral or therapy session… although yes yes I’m sure it may happen * all the time *.
May be one reason I’m still single

 

[Litcrit]

Discussing intimate details of your marriage with a friend, and gossiping/complaining about your spouse to a friend, regardless of their sex, is a sort of betrayal.

Friendship itself is not. I’m a married woman with close friends of both sexes, and I really don’t see a difference between them.

I don’t believe there always has to be sexual chemistry involved when two people of the opposite sex spend time together. That doesn’t even happen with animals. Ever try mating a pet?

My closest male friend has been my closest male friend since we were 16, and we actually once made a rational decision to try dating when we were 17, because we were so close. Guess what? I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him, because it felt like incest, he was like a brother to me. We promptly went back to being ‘just’ friends, and have been ever since. No problems there.

 

[BamaRider]

I’ve been happily married 32 years, neither of us has ever had anything but casual friendships.

Certainly none that I would call “family.” I do have male friends I would put in that catergory.

I’m not gonna go for a man calling my wife wanting to talk about relationships, sex, feelings etc. He needs to take that elsewhere. What happens the friend might come to know more than the spouse, and that ain’t never good.

How would you feel if your spouse shared her feelings with a friend about how hurt she was at the death of a parent? OR sharing the details of y’alls latest argument and I’m not referring to forgetting to take the trash out.

I know I’m old school, and Dr Phil and Oprah are kinda new age. But my wife is MY best friend, she has been by side 32 years. I can’t tell ya how many times I’ve come to her with tough choices I had to make.

I’d take any violation of that trust just as seriously as I would infidelity.

Her job brings her in contact with many male co workers and clients. Over the years a few have come crying on her shoulder about things they need to take elsewhere, and she politely tells them, “don’t ya think ya need to talk to YOUR* wife *about this?”

I can see the problem of the friend that was there first. The one that goes back to childhool or high school. I don’t have a problem wtih that scenario, as long as he knows what the rules are, and he doesn’t get in the way. I had that issue a real long time ago with one of her childhood friends, and when she entered a relationship with me, I just told her to handle it. I stayed outta of it. The friend didn’t like the new dynamics, and asked why it couldn’t be like it was before* I *came along.

She just said how it was, and he’d have to adapt.

And thats my :twocents:

 

[Litcrit]

What happens the friend might come to know more than the spouse, and that ain’t never good.

Agreed, but that has nothing to do with the sex of the friend.

How would you feel if your spouse shared her feelings with a friend about how hurt she was at the death of a parent? I wouldn’t mind that, no matter what sex the friend was OR sharing the details of y’alls latest argument and I’m not referring to forgetting to take the trash out.

I wouldn’t like that, no matter what sex the friend was.

I know I’m old school, and Dr Phil and Oprah are kinda new age. But my wife is MY best friend, she has been by side 32 years. I can’t tell ya how many times I’ve come to her with tough choices I had to make.

I’m pretty young, but my husband is also my best friend, better than any male or female friend I have

I’d take any violation of that trust just as seriously as I would infidelity.

Agreed.

You make many valid points, but they are valid whether the friendships that can endanger the trust in marriage are same-sex or opposite-sex.

 

[BamaRider]

Awhile ago I asked-

How would you feel if your spouse shared her feelings with a friend about how hurt she was at the death of a parent?

So Litcrit made this comment-

I wouldn’t mind that, no matter what sex the friend was

I prolly wouldn’t mind so much if the discussion was in general terms, and I’d probably be ok if it was her best girlfriend from way back, but crying on some guy’s shoulder about the loss of a loved one? Nah.

OR sharing the details of y’alls latest argument and I’m not referring to forgetting to take the trash out.

Once again a close female friend is not so much a problem. I understand there are somethings girls talk about, husbands being one of them. Now has SHE ever told a girlfriend something I’d rather she not? I dunno, I can’t recall any, but my I’m gettin kinda of old and my memory slips.

I did find out she was tellin all the girls down at the hair saloon how good I was, But hey, what can I say, when ya got it ya got it. :blushing:

 

[surfinpure]

I have a close male friend from my childhood who is also married. He lives in another state, and we rarely see each other. When we do, it’s always with our spouses present. I would never discuss any marriage problems with him, and he has never come to me about any of his. I believe that is where the line ought to be drawn.

 

[hasikelee]

There is another poll here that is similar to this one. What I wanted with this poll is to simplify the choices so as to not expand across genders and to only apply to a very simply question:

Is it appropriate for a married person to have close opposite-sex friends?

By close I mean a friend who is someone that you would call up and talk to one-on-one about personal issues. That you seek personal advice from. For example, if you’re having difficulties in your marriage. Someone that you may spend more than a few minutes on the phone with and regularly hold one-on-one private discussions with. Someone you possibly might go out to lunch or dinner with. I hope that portrays well enough what I mean by ‘close’ friend.

I think this poll would help clarify what the actual position is between the many posters that have voiced their opinions one way or the other. In the discussions it is a bit hard to tell because the line between a friend and a close-friend appears blurred.

I voted no.

I believe it is inappropriate to have close friends of the opposite sex, and depending on the specific needs/issues, close friends with the same sex.

Example: Why in the world would a wife’s first impulse be to call up a friend to share something close and personal? Why isn’t she turning to her husband? And if the reason is due to the husband being neglectful, how is seeking elsewhere helpful to the marriage?

 

[Anne1964]

I voted no based on the part of the definition dealing with talking about marital problems. I would never talk to another man about my marriage.

However, I do have one close female friend that I have talked to about some issues in my marriage. I don’t see anything wrong with that. She has talked to me about her marriage as well. We are friends. I don’t see it as bashing my husband, nor do I portray any issue as all his fault. I think my friend and I have learned from one another’s mistakes and issues in marriage.

 

[Just_wondering]

I am not married yet, but I am in a serious relationship that will lead to engagement and marriage in a couple of years’ time. My relationship is international, and is sometimes long distance, sometimes not. My boyfriend works long hours and shift work, so there are lots of times when he’s not available for me.

I have a couple of close male friends that I confide in, although they are less close to me than my female friends. My boyfriend knows these friends (male and female) and has no problem with me discussing personal issues with them or asking for advice on problems I might be having. The problems I discuss are things like worrying about whether we’ll ever be able to get married with all the legal hoops we have to jump through, how I’m going to feel about becoming a stepmother when we get married, and how difficult it is to be separated so often. I don’t discuss the he said / she said stuff, or the “you won’t believe what he did last week” stuff.

These friends play an important role in my mental health. It’s such a relief to have people like that around me who reassure me that my worries are valid, while affirming that a good man like my BF is worth waiting for. My boyfriend recognizes that these friends of mine, male and female, are supportive of our relationship and are good for me. When he tells me that he will be working overtime for the next couple of weeks, he’ll often suggest that I call those friends up and spend time with them while he’s gone.

Then again, I have been in situations where I thought someone was being friendly and supportive, and it’s turned out that he has had ulterior motives and wanted to be more than friends. Women need to be careful who they talk to and what they say - some men are predators. (Some women are predators, too, but men are better equipped physically to fend them off.)

Overall, it’s probably best to stick with friends of your own gender, and be careful with what you say to friends of the opposite sex, although I wouldn’t go so far as to ban close opposite sex friends.

 

[BamaRider]

I voted no based on the part of the definition dealing with talking about marital problems. I would never talk to another man about my marriage.

However, I do have one close female friend that I have talked to about some issues in my marriage. I don’t see anything wrong with that. She has talked to me about her marriage as well. We are friends. I don’t see it as bashing my husband, nor do I portray any issue as all his fault. I think my friend and I have learned from one another’s mistakes and issues in marriage.

I don’t see anything wrong with your approach.

 

[surfinpure]

I don’t see anything wrong with your approach.

Neither do I. Quite honestly, I think a very close female friend (for us women, that is ) can be a great help and support during times of trial in a marriage. If she is of good moral character and is not interested in pitting wife against husband, she can help to smooth over some rough and raw emotions. My mother has just such a friend, and she’s been a lifesaver for many years.

 

[Litcrit]

Neither do I. Quite honestly, I think a very close female friend (for us women, that is ) can be a great help and support during times of trial in a marriage. If she is of good moral character and is not interested in pitting wife against husband, she can help to smooth over some rough and raw emotions. My mother has just such a friend, and she’s been a lifesaver for many years.

OK, point taken. I personally tend to communicate better with men than with women, so I never really have the need to discuss my marriage with any woman - any ‘issues’ with my husband are quickly resolved within minutes between the two of us.

I still find a difference between what you describe and just complaining about husbands, or gossiping about them, or revealing things about them they wouldn’t like revealed to that person. But for me, it doesn’t matter whether the friend in question is male or female, it really makes no difference.

I actually find it easier to talk to male friends about my husband than with the female ones. That’s because they tend to have more in common. But, when I talk about dh, I talk about his interests and what he likes, not about what irritates me about him and all men, so I guess that’s why it’s easier to discuss it with men.

 

[surfinpure]

OK, point taken. I personally tend to communicate better with men than with women, so I never really have the need to discuss my marriage with any woman - any ‘issues’ with my husband are quickly resolved within minutes between the two of us.

I still find a difference between what you describe and just complaining about husbands, or gossiping about them, or revealing things about them they wouldn’t like revealed to that person. But for me, it doesn’t matter whether the friend in question is male or female, it really makes no difference.

I actually find it easier to talk to male friends about my husband than with the female ones. That’s because they tend to have more in common. But, when I talk about dh, I talk about his interests and what he likes, not about what irritates me about him and all men, so I guess that’s why it’s easier to discuss it with men.

There certainly is a vast difference between gaining wisdom and support from a trusted friend and going on a husband-bashing spree. I have seen the latter occur among my peers far more than the former, I am sorry to say. But insofar as wholesome and selfless friendships exist, they can be a great help during times of trial in a marriage, so long as lines of privacy are not crossed. A good example of this, in a strange way, is how so many members of CAF support one another – complete strangers – through crises and times of uncertainty. In this case the anonymity helps, of course, but in real life it is best only to discuss matters of the heart with a close and trusted friend.

Yes, men do have that perspective that is uniquely male, though a seasoned wife (as in, “Let the older women teach the younger…”) has much to offer a young bride in terms of understanding a husband. I don’t know what I’d do without the older generation in my life.

 

[The_Sojourner]

Given your definition, I would say no.

However, my boyfriend (who will eventually be my husband if things go the way we plan) does have a close female friend from high school whom he refers to as his “sister” (they are not related). I have no problem with this for a couple of reasons: 1) He doesn’t use her as his confidante when he is having problems (that’s usually me, or his parents) and has stated that he would think it inappropriate for a married man to confide in a woman other than his wife and 2) I think she’s a wonderful person and we’ve talked together fairly often since being introduced, both with and without my boyfriend’s participation in the conversation.

So, those are the two criteria I would have for opposite-sex friendships: Sharing deep confidences should be avoided; and the third person should be friends with the couple, not just with the opposite-sex spouse.