Close To Giving Up

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Methos

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As the year is coming to a close, I keep thinking the coming one will be my last. I’ve been 7 years unemployed and have debt I can’t pay. I’m over-educated (History B.A, after failing at engineering, and expired teaching credential) and under-skilled (never did learned to type despite the numerous papers written), have no references, etc. I have no money(no financial aid) for any classes, but I’ve taken some in the past and I can’t seem to do anything with what I learn. I’m supposedly intelligent ( I consider it mostly trivia), but lack imagination and creativity. So, I might do good in the classroom, but bad in the real world. I think I might have made a good teacher, as I knew more than some fellow applicants and people say I talk about history as if I were there, but I suck at interviews. I’m too honest as my father says. I have no friends and, despite living with them, am not close to my family.

As previously posted, I was physical and emotional abused by both parents and bullied at school. Also, I suffer from dysthymia and schizoid personality disorder. So, I’m depressed with bouts of double depression and impervious to praise and encouragement. You can say you love, support and pray for me and it means nothing to me. They’re just words. So, the support system many people have isn’t there for me. Also, I can’t feel happiness or love. When people talk abut love, they tend to mean the emotion, of which I have no foundation to relate to the discussion. They might as well be using another language. I can feel pleasure, such a good meal, or relief when a stress is removed. When my mother died, I felt nothing.When she was dying, I helped take care of her because it was expected of me. I even said a rosary for her the day before she died. At the funeral, I was my usual depressed self, which many mistook for grief. So, the usual resources many people use to help themselves aren’t available to me. I know someone might mention I should depend on God, but Adam had God as well before He decided Adam, and probably people in general, should not be alone. I just can’t relate to people that way. If you do something for me, I’ll do something for you, that’s it. You could be dying in front of me and I could walk away and get a Slurpee.

No, instead, I resorted to dark fantasies and thoughts for relief as well as other sinful activities.I do have fantasies where things went right in my life and I had what I lack and become a successful in all areas of my life. Yes, I know they don’t fix the situation or problems, but they give me a very, so very brief respite.I can feel anger and hate as well as pleasure. I’ve tried therapy before, when I had no money, and it didn’t help. To me, It was akin to thinking happy thought while on a sinking life boat miles from land. Also, I wish I had the money back as I really need it now. However, some of those thoughts are about what a pathetic failure I am on so many levels. I don’t have a job, no friends, can’t feel happiness or love. I screw up everything. So, I try to avoid thing where I have responsibility. My best efforts is everyone else mediocrity. I can actually regress in skill over time or remain at the same level where everyone else moves one. Where I’m sure people such as my father could recover due to their resilience, I’m lost. I may be intelligent, but as I tell people, don’t mistake intelligence for wisdom.

It doesn’t help that I’ve known people who are/were supposedly more spiritually wise or enlightened not act it. My last job was with a woman who everyone at church thought was a pillar of the parish, an example to all. That is until, the door closed and she was the opposite, using that spirituality and her intelligence to belittle me. Daily reminders of how I screw up, as if I didn’t know already. I had rejoined the Church at the time and tried to change .There was still a possibility of a teaching job (now forever gone) too. I thought I was becoming a better person. Instead, I was told by her that many people thought they had never seen such an arrogant and self-centered person.I quit that job and almost killed myself after spending money I didn’t have enjoying myself in Las Vegas.

I didn’t, but now I wish I had. I keep looking back on my life and thinking how it would better if I had died during certain near misses or not born at all. Everything I do is failure. Suicide is a mortal sin if it’s grave matter, full knowledge of the gravity of the action, and full and free consent to the action and I would probably meet that. My depression might be mitigating, but it wouldn’t matter. It’s supposedly my cross. So do I die now and go to hell or do I live a long life (90+ isn’t unusual in my family) of suffering (Yes, I know there are people who are probably suffering more, I just can’t translate that in any way to affect me, said he sitting in front of the computer in a house with heat and food) and failure committing sins to help ease the pain, followed by hell. After all, I screwed up in life, why not the afterlife. As it is, I’ve told my family that if I should die, to leave my body at the morgue. Leave a donation for the potter’s grave and no funeral. I don’t want people saying good things about me that they didn’t say when I was alive. It would be all lies anyways. Yet, there’s that small chance that if I did, I’d get into heaven. Then again, who am I kidding.
 
Continued from the above post due to the character limit

I don’t know why I’m writing this post. Any advice given won’t avail me. I wouldn’t know how use it. I’m sure if you were me, you’d have my life fixed a decade ago. You’d have seen things and knew how to act that I didn’t know or could upon reflection years later. I know what I could have done in 2001, but it wouldn’t matter as I wouldn’t have done it anyway even if I knew. I’m too cowardly. Prayers won’t help. Yes God keeps His promises, but I still have to carry them out. I’m the weak link and always will be. I’ve tried reading books on spirituality and gained nothing. Yes, I can pass on the knowledge to you, but to me C.S Lewis is saying “blah, blah, blah.” Also, if I did somehow gleam something, it would be useless to me as I wouldn’t know how to apply it to my life. So, maybe I’m writing this post to benefit someone out there, to impart some message or wisdom. Maybe I’m just a tool, more Balaam than John the Baptist. (Oh, before you use her as an example, remember she experienced joy from God before having it taken away. Obviously, I never had that experience) Then again, I’m probably thinking too highly of myself. Nothing I ever do or did ever matter. Many people and I may wish we were special, but I know I never will be. I either hinder the effort or someone else would have done it better. Again, due to my disorders, telling me otherwise is useless. It’s like telling a blind person what the color blue is. When I cry, I cry for myself. Maybe asking for heaven sounds like entitlement and arrogance, but I truly want this pain to end. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I could try and change, but it would be all an act. No faith behind it and in the end Matthew 7:21-23 kicks me in the face literally.

I might check on this post and answer the responses, I don’t know. Many here are probably tired of posters like me.So, I’ll peruse the board some more and then go to sleep, hoping I wake up in the life I think I should had had or never wake up here again, but awaken in heaven instead, but that’s arrogant of me to think that.
 
Hi Methos!

Hang in there ok? Sounds like you are in a serious downward spiral. I know how hard that is…I’ve been there. Ditto with the work stuff and feeling like I don’t get along socially the same way as other (more ‘normal’) people. It is NOT as bad as you think, I can nearly guarantee that.

You probably appear and function better than you perceive yourself to be doing. We all are whack jobs inside our heads, regardless of any diagnosis or lack thereof.

I can’t think of any particular words that will inspire you…first of all, I think you need to improve your mood–>this is sooo important, otherwise all the good advice/help/etc will not seem feasible or helpful to you. You gotta just get feeling a bit better first, screw thinking about the future for now.

Is it snowy where you are? If so, I strongly recommend going outdoors and shoveling some snow. Sounds weird, but you will feel measurably better after clearing a front walk, driveway or sidewalk. It doesn’t even have to be your own, but watch out for overly defensive homeowners :D. I know I would bless God if I woke up one morning and discovered that some wonderful stranger had dug my car out for me. If it isn’t snowy, maybe you could dig up a garden bed, split wood, or something like that.

Sounds like something you have prolly heard before, but your brain is part of your body, and your body responds in all kinds of positive ways to physical activity, in particular purposeful, rhythmic, repetitive activity (sometimes referred to as ‘drudgery’ by the uninitiated.)

So, I would try something like that first. Even before praying. Praying can lead you back into negative rumination, cause prayer is mostly mental. Do something that will make you sweat for 1/2 hour first.

PM me if you like.
 
Well, if you don’t want advice, I won’t offer any… I’ll just pray for u! Prayer is very powerful
 
Sorry you’re feeling so badly, Methos.
A dear friend of mine suffers from the same…depression and other problems…
so I know what a cross you are bearing. If you aren’t on medication for
depression, please try that.

Do you go to adoration? It will bring you peace… just go sit with the Lord
and He will help you.

Maybe this will help…from Direction for Our Times. I find these messages
to be very comforting :

December 12, 2006
Heaven Speaks to Those Who Experience Tragedy
Jesus

Life on earth is filled with change. If you look back on any life, you can see marking points where that life changed. Sometimes change comes in a predictable and expected manner, as in the movement into a vocation for which a person prepared. Sometimes, change comes in an abrupt manner, as in situations where a person is injured or dies unexpectedly. It is this, the change viewed as a tragedy, that I wish to discuss today.

My friend, there are events in every life that stand out as difficult and life-altering. This tragedy, this abrupt change of course, will stand out to you, I know. When you feel a sense of shock, a sense of stunning upset in your life, you must look for Me. I am there. I do not remain with My children, day afterday, and then abandon them when they most need my support. Your grief is understandable and I will support you in it. You will not always understand why I allowed a certain thing to happen. In your expected inability to understand, you will challenge Me. You will say, “God, how could You have allowed this? God, where are You? God why have You abandoned us?”

My friends, bring those questions directly to Me because I, Myself, am the most sympathetic listener when it comes to these heart felt cries of anguish. You see, I cried these cries Myself. In My humanity, on the cross, I felt abandoned. In My humanity, on the cross, I questioned the value of God’s plan. From My viewpoint, nailed to a piece of wood and raised aloft as a subject of total rejection and derision, it appeared that I suffered more than anyone. It appeared that none could know the extent of My pain. My beloved child, I tell you this so that you will understand that I, your Savior, grasp the depth of your pain. I will walk you through each moment of anguish, surrounding you with heaven’s graces. No. You will not be left to walk alone through this tragedy.

directionforourtimes.com/library/english/
 
Dear Methos,

There aren’t any words of mine that could help ease the burden, so I will pray for you.

I just posted this so that you know that one other person thinks that you are a valuable, worthwhile individual and a beloved child of God - which makes you my sibling.

Your Post is precious and valuable because those who read it have been given the opportunity to stop and think about many important teachings from the Bible. When I have prayed for you, I will very seriously examine my behavior to others.

May God bless and strengthen you.
 
I think the best course of action would be to see a therapist and perhaps start a course of medication. These things are a terrible struggle, I know, and it takes time. But hang in there. You’re a smart guy, so I know you know what the right thing is to do, but I also realise that how you feel can drastically affect whether or not you will take action on that knowledge. You can’t expect to change so completely overnight, you must change your expectations and concentrate on one step at a time. With time those little steps will add up. You came here for help, that is a good first step. Now take a second step and go and see a mental health professional, they can help you with the other steps. If your faith in God is still strong, then do this for Him.

Give the act to Him,
Purged of hope and ego,
Fix your attention on the soul.
Act and do for Him.
 
I will do what I am glad to do for you, pray. I will pray that you will be open to God’s plan for your life and be able to have the strength to follow where He leads you and the wisdom to understand your purpose here on earth.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Lord, have mercy on Methos, please grant this soul many graces and angelic help in the face of every temptation. Instil in this soul a zeal to find the sacrament of reconciliation, at the least when any mortal sin is committed. Shine your divine light into this darkened pilgrimage, that this soul be emboldened by the warmth of your radiance and strive for holy obedience, now, unto the eternal garden of joy. Cultivate in this soul the virtues of joy, faith, hope, and love. Have mercy, Lord. Our Lady, angels, and saints, pray with us. Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

†
 
Why not mess up the afterlife with suicide, say? Well, because the afterlife is different. Maybe this is appropriate moment to say this, or maybe not. Anyway, do you realize how bad purgatory or hell actually is? If you, or I, realized just how bad it was, we would never even consider suicide as a viable option. Well, it is killing, murder, of yourself. needs not to be an option for you.

divinemercysunday.com/vision.htm

Padre Pio said that even purgatory is a fire that makes our fire look like regular water as compared to boiling water.

Although, it may not seem like it to you at this moment, but even you is made in the image and likeness of God, and we are not to kill…be it murder, abortion, euthanasia, or suicide, because only God has the right to take a a life. If your last action on earth were suicide, a mortal sin, your possibility of getting to heaven, where you want to be, would be quite slim. Yes, God is also merciful, but we are to try to enter through the narrow door.

I hope you are able to get some counseling and treatment.

One of the very few things that comfort me at all in my life is a piece of advice my mother gave me when I was 10 y.o. She told me to offer up my sufferings to God. I realize it sounds tame and lame, but it’s been actually one of the very few things that has helped me at all. Don’t know if talk about suffering will help you or not, but I’ll give it a shot.

I find that offering my sufferings up to God helpful, because I honestly believe in it. ALL the saints suffered, many tremendously. What differentiated them from sinners in how they handled this. They would do things like offer this up to God in atonement for their own sins and those of mankind, for the conversion of sinners.

Wouldn’t Satan be pleased if he got you to despair, utterly, take your own life, say, do his own work for him. I’ve heard it said there are actually demons that try to tell us to take our own lives.

Sometimes, I’ve revisited the Bible, specifically the Book of Job. It’s a good book to reread…only a very short pages, when we are suffering.

I think it’s also good to remember the lives of the saints, who suffered as you are, and yet managed to be strong in their weakness, through the grace of God.

The other piece of advice my mother gave me was to turn this over to God. Well, she has had a very hard life…went through WWII where my father was out in the war, away from home. She had 11 children, 4 miscarriages, numerous problems of all kinds. My father just passed away after 70 years of her being married to him, and he basically didn’t eat in the end for about 5 days, was in Hospice care. My mother is one of the strongest people I have ever known. I had hardly ever seen her cry in front of me and she basically doesn’t even complain.

As to the saints, they were curious. The seemed to have a completely different take on suffering, altogether. If you can get some books on their lives even out of the library, it might be encouraging.

They often prayed for suffering! How obtuse, right? If their prayers for suffering, martyrdom, etc., were not answered, they would actually feel so disappointed saying that God did not consider them worthy! Saints have told us, if we use suffering right, it is perhaps when we can be closest to Christ.

Another good one to recall is Mary, and her 7 sorrows, which usually makes any of ours look mild! She suffered so tremendously, that it was like a sword going through her heart, 7 times! Recall what Our Lord suffered, as well, for our sins. Again, I don’t know if you will find it helpful. When I am suffering, I find it helpful.

Once, I was complaining about my life, and a good friend of mine told me to offer it up to God. She said if I was suffering a lot, then I had a lot to offer up!

We’ve been promised God would not put the suffering beyond our capacity. Although, right now, you are probably wishing he didn’t find you quite so capable! 😉

Can you find some support groups so that you aren’t facing this quite alone? Can you do a Google and look for support groups in your area? Maybe your local Goodwill Easter Seals could also help you. Besides their store, they help people with physical and mental difficulties. They can often help find community resources. Ask them if they could help you find some resources…support groups and such.

Anyway, I’m a little pressed for time but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. A LOT of other people are in similar straits, believe it or not. Look on the forum, and you will see a ton of other lonely people, especially at this time of the year!

Feel free to also PM me, as well. I feel alone much of the time, as well. We can be alone, together! 😉

Good luck and God bless!
 
I understand why you did write this post. I will not say I understand because we all feel different about things. This year will not be your last, because I say so. I am in real “pickle” my self, retired due to severe depression and panic-attacks that cripple my life, heck, I can’t even attend Mass, and as a heavy smoker I have started to feel difficulties to respire but I will not go to a doctor, there is one more thing I want to do in this life, and I will do it. You don’t need to hear about God right now, but He is there for you when you want to. I will offer you a advice no matter what you think you want, think about some thing you really want to do, and put all your strength in doing it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or maybe in the summer, but make sure you do it. What you do after that is up to you, but do that one thing you want to. You see my friend, I tend to think like this, if I can fulfill my dream it might give me more strength to see if I can do more. Maybe I can’t, but at least I will die with one more good memory from life.

Reading your letter was sobering, I am not alone with my “dark” thoughts, so you have give me a big help, I am not alone, and neither are you. You may not get the job you want, I never did, but I did make my best doing what I ended up with, and I am pretty proud of it. What ever you may do is not worth a cent if your heart is not with you. Picture what would be the most unlikely job you could think you would do, and pick one that does not require any studies, and take it. That was what I did do, and ended up being a lorry-driver, and I did love my job.

We all must go someday, but let God be the one who say when. I wish I can save money enough to a ticket to my favorite singer from Germany, loan a car and pack my dog and my self in it and drive off, and if I can do that, I can overcome my panic-attacks for one evening and see her preform, that is my goal, and if God is willing, I will make it. And I want you to stay on this forum long enough to see me posting about that trip, so, in order for me to make it I need you, I have chosen you to be my witness so I hope we both make it. You don’t want to read this, but God bless you, and pray for me, will you?
 
Wow, as someone who works in the mental health field please take my suggestion and get professional help. Therapy and the right medications can do wonders. I’m not sure where you live, but most places have a community behaviorsl health climic where you can get therapy and meds at a very low cost, sometimes even free.
You are in my prayers.
 
Praying for you. Prayer really does work. God loves you so much he would have died just to save you alone. No one is a failure in God’s eyes. God bless you
 
well, i know you dont want advice, but really this is a simple one so please give it a try you’ll lose nothing, call the suicide prevention line of the place where you live, tell them your story, and follow their indications. i understand a lil bit how you feel, sometimes in those times i would only like to follow orders, without thinking on what or how to do it. and sometimes i think its the best answer, just put yourself in the hands of the experts and let them work, same for God, ask him with confidence that He will help you, no matter if yout feelings tell you that nothing is going to change, with your rational mind say it will.

now another thing that helps, is to live one day at a time, right now i would not suggest you look in the future that much, just do your best, no matter how bad compared to others you might think it is.

third about God, well, first of all, seek the help of a priest also, tell him all this and let him help you, remember that the the person who wants the most you are saved is God himself, so just don’t give up, He knows our weaknesses and is going to Judge us individually according to our strength and weaknesses, the life conditions we had to live and such, not comparing us to others, at least that is what i think.

now, dont give up, call the suicide prevention line ASAP. You are in my prayers.
 
More than 30 years ago I tried giving up running away and then totaling a car. Fortunately I survived and I’m very glad I did. You need to seek professional help. Everyone feels like they are less worthy than they are. Life is suffering but we need to focus on God, Jesus can overcome everything even our feelings of hopelessness.

Focus on Heaven and not on your problems. Never stop praying even if you think your prayers are not being heard. Sometimes it takes courage just to make it through another day. Remember that the path to Heaven is narrow and filled with troubles and thorns while the path to destruction is wide and easy. Giving up is easy, struggling through is tough.

Ask God to help boost your self confidence and self image. The right job will come along, but you need to remember that very rarely is anyone great at a job from the very first day. Be eager to learn and just try your best and leave up to God to help you out. Remember God loves everyone, He made you and you are special on His eyes even if you think you are not. I too will pray for you.
 
Whilst reading your post, I noticed you had a B.A in history. This reminded me of a bloke over here called Jim Penman, who now runs a franchising set up specialising in home based services. You name it, he’s got a home based franchise for it eg. Mowing, setting up TV antennas, computers, home cleaning, pool cleaning etc.

But he started his own home mowing business while studying his Ph.D. in history. I remember some time ago reading an interview of his where he said he had a degree in history, yet was virtually unemployable. I don’t know if he’s ever used his history degree, although no doubt the research skills he learned have probably helped him with his business.

There’s a link following - jims.net/about-jims/meet-jim.html

Now I’m not for a minute suggesting you’re another Jim Penman, but I wonder if you might have to do some pretty basic work for a while eg. Mowing yards or some other mundane employment.

You can only have so much therapy. You also need some sort of employable activity, and I think to start with you might have to settle for something that’s pretty mundane.

Anyway that’s how I see it.
 
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.I’m apologize for not responding to any of your responses. I did read them. I had attempted to make a response several times, only to close the reply window. I admit I’m still scared. I don’t like being afraid. I wish I had confidence and faith. My father tells me to always think positive, but my experience showed that things tended to happen regardless of my attitude. When I do try, it doesn’t seem to make a difference. That supposed connection between positive attitude and a strong immune system. Yeah, tell me that when I’m buying you cough syrup. Nonetheless, I wish I had the faith or confidence, if you will, that many of you possess. It seems it would take a supreme effort for me to reach even your lowest level.

I almost had double depression this week. For me, it takes various forms. I can reach the point of despair or have every mistake and sin I made rerun in my mind as well as how everyone I knew in high school college, church, etc. is doing better than me. How I wish I could go back to the past when there was still hope. When I eat, I think about how I don’t deserve it and how it might be my last one if something should happen to my father (I live with him) In response, my mind tries to find a way out. I can become emotionally numb. Yes, I can walk away from you and get a Slurpee, but I know I should help you. The numbness shuts down that option completely. Based on what people have told me, I can portray a false sense of confidence to the world in this state. This time, it was my sex drive.Typically, it’s low to begin with. I know I’ll never marry, so I can control it fairly easily. People might notice a woman in a tight skirt and low cut top. I’ll notice the pile of food behind her. However, in an effort to find anything to lift itself out of the blackness, my mind will use anything, including this. My mind will be filled with thoughts and fantasies of the rare women I do find attractive. I’ll admit I have fall to this temptation and to porn. So far, I’ve managed to resist it.

You might happy to know that I applied for a job. It’s a retail one at the company my sister works for, but a different store Given how long and complicate they are, just for cashier, you think they give it to you just for finishing it. I don’t know how people can train or study for one job and end up with a completely unrelated one. I was looking for another job and decided to look up her company and notice an opening nearby. The other job was for caregivers, but I don’t have the money for background checks and there too far away for my limited gas fund. I put down that I took care of my mother as my last job. I know someone might say that God might have lead to me to either one or both jobs, but I thought that before in the past when I applied for teaching positions. You could say the same for my last job with the woman from church and look what happened. How many other people have seen that position, people with spouses and children, who might lose their homes, are thinking the same thing?

Before I came online, I said the rosary. I think I said it more out of desperation than devotion. As if I did enough good works, I’ll get what I want. I used the rosary I was given for my first Communion, when there seemed hope. I told God I was scared and desperate, that I know I wasn’t always faithful, wasn’t in a state of grace and I was likely trying to curry His favor doing this. But if there was any sincerity in my pleas and prayer, to multiply it as Jesus did the fish and loaves. I did the Sorrowful mysteries, trying to relate it to what I’m going through, using my book light in place of a candle.

I don’t know what to expect. I did this whole thing 10 years ago and look where I am. A part of me says, “I’ve done this before and nothing happened. Why should now be different?” Another thought goes, “I’ll either get what I want and then fall away or not get what I want and still fall away. So, what does it matter? It’s all just luck and fortunate opportunities, that I either don’t see or miss. Hey, maybe I did get a teaching position, but wasn’t home for the call” I think about how other people have prayed, especially with this economy and administration, and wonder it does any good at all. I don’t like not knowing and having doubt. I wish I knew what to do and when, my whole life mapped out. Just as I’m afraid of hell, I’m afraid of life. God may give you several chances, but your boss won’t when it costs time and money. I’ll think or pray for one moment of grace, just one moment and then for death to come so I can go “home,” for that one moment might be the best I could ever do.

That’s all for now. Just a stream of thought. I apologize for the long post.
 
anonymous_in_fl said:
Wow, as someone who works in the mental health field please take my suggestion and get professional help. Therapy and the right medications can do wonders. I’m not sure where you live, but most places have a community behaviorsl health climic where you can get therapy and meds at a very low cost, sometimes even free.
You are in my prayers.
Click to expand...
A number of posters are recommending seeing a therapist. Perhaps you didn’t notice how central financial worries are for the OP. I know that I myself would benefit from therapy, but my family is reasonably poor and we can’t even come close to affording it. I certainly wouldn’t assume that quality therapy is a viable option for the OP.

And that, my friends, is a very sad comment on our society. 😦
 
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