Clue-less Christmas

[Lovemyfaith]

Our daughter is expecting our first grandchild and we are over the moon! My daughter and SIL live close by so we are hoping for lots a lots of baby time.

There is a very painful situation however. Our daughter’s sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage a few weeks ago with her first child. Obviously, their family is grieving this loss. Their are only two children, my daughter’s husband and his brother.

Here is where I am clue-less. About a week ago, my daughter told us her MIL said they are not doing their traditional Christmas Day dinner with the two sons and their wives. The MIL lives closer to her other son and the DIL who suffered the miscarriage, and is closer to them, so my guess was she was just too heart broken. I told my daughter that is certainly understandable, and she and her husband are always welcome here for dinner that evening. Our family has a big Christmas Eve dinner, and usually a very low key Christmas Day, but I am happy to enjoy my family at any chance, so I invited a few relatives who couldn’t make Christmas Eve. Yesterday my daughter told me her MIL changed her mind and now will have Christmas Day dinner. She remarked that they would not be buying any “baby things” as that would upset the SIL. My daughter has had a difficult pregnancy and is finally starting to feel better. She works a lot of hours and tries her best to make everyone happy.

I don’t have any advice for my daughter. I told her the MIL just meant no baby things for Christmas, but I don’t know if that is really what she meant or not. I also told her to let the SIL direct the conversation; if she wants to talk about the baby or not. Other than that I don’t know what to do.

 

[Irishmom2]

I tend to agree with you that the MIL probably just meant no baby things for Christmas. It would be very strange if she decided to keep it up beyond that though and come across like she is ignoring your daughter’s pregnancy for the sake of the SIL. Although it’s not like MIL is under any obligation to buy baby gifts either for Christmas.

I think your advice to let the SIL direct the flow of the conversation was good too.
Good job, Lovemyfaith.

 

[Allegra]

Is the issue in question which house they should dine at on Christmas Day?

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Is the issue in question which house they should dine at on Christmas Day?

No. My question was what advice I give to my daughter. I see I wasn’t too clear on that. My daughter asked me what I thought of this situation- the last minute dinner change, the no gifts for the baby.
I can’t see how not going to the dinner makes sense. Unless seeing my daughter would upset everyone. I hadn’t thought of that.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

She remarked that they would not be buying any “baby things” as that would upset the SIL.

By she, I meant my daughter’s MIL. I thought it was odd as their family does not exchange Christmas presents, but I’m hoping she meant they wouldn’t buy anything for the baby and give it to them at Christmas dinner.

 

[mommy_k]

No. My question was what advice I give to my daughter. I see I wasn’t too clear on that. My daughter asked me what I thought of this situation- the last minute dinner change, the no gifts for the baby.
I can’t see how not going to the dinner makes sense. Unless seeing my daughter would upset everyone. I hadn’t thought of that.

There is alot of things going on here, … but on the surface it’s best if your dd knows if she will be able to contain her happiness on Christmas and not be made to feel guilty about it. If not --she does not have to go given the sensitive circumstances…and she can tell MIL this.

I think the MIL talked to the other DIL and DIL made the decision. The only thing is, the MIL could have reversed it, and still had Christmas with your dd to begin with, and if the other DIL felt she was up to it she could come… Perhaps this is what your dd is thinking.

If your dd’s MIL continues to downplay your dd’s pregnancy well after Christmas, that’s an issue too, but only time will tell.
You have to see.

 

[petra22]

By she, I meant my daughter’s MIL. I thought it was odd as their family does not exchange Christmas presents, but I’m hoping she meant they wouldn’t buy anything for the baby and give it to them at Christmas dinner.

I think you gave good advice and you are very loving not to be upset by the last minute changes… I’m offering prayers for a totally joyous Christmas for you ALL! It’s a tough time for all with the loss of a baby, even aunts and uncles…

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

 

[February]

This is from the perspective of someone who has lost all her children…2 early miscarriages, a full term stillbirth due to an unknown infection, and the death of our 5 week old infant from a congenital defect.

Your daughter’s brother and sister in law have just lost their child before Christmas. It’s devastating. While people differ on what they can handle after such a loss, I am one who has had to avoid (to the best of my ability, because they’re everywhere) pregnant women and young children. It has nothing to do with lack of happiness for the other parties, and I would never want anyone to experience what my husband and I have in the past two years. It is simply too painful for me to the point where I get anxiety and panicky.

I give a lot of credit to the couple for going to Christmas dinner with your daughter and her husband in the first place. Yes, the dinner was likely originally cancelled because it would have been too difficult for them. I totally would not have gone, and in fact have to avoid some family gatherings this year, but will spare the details about that! Please let your daughter know that she will have plenty of opportunities (and probably already has) for others to share in her joy. Truly, I think baby gifts being opened on Christmas in the presence of the other couple would be very insensitive. I’m sure your daughter will receive plenty of baby items in the coming months, and her MIL did not say no gifts at all.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

This is from the perspective of someone who has lost all her children…2 early miscarriages, a full term stillbirth due to an unknown infection, and the death of our 5 week old infant from a congenital defect.

Your daughter’s brother and sister in law have just lost their child before Christmas. It’s devastating. While people differ on what they can handle after such a loss, I am one who has had to avoid (to the best of my ability, because they’re everywhere) pregnant women and young children. It has nothing to do with lack of happiness for the other parties, and I would never want anyone to experience what my husband and I have in the past two years. It is simply too painful for me to the point where I get anxiety and panicky.

I give a lot of credit to the couple for going to Christmas dinner with your daughter and her husband in the first place. Yes, the dinner was likely originally cancelled because it would have been too difficult for them. I totally would not have gone, and in fact have to avoid some family gatherings this year, but will spare the details about that! Please let your daughter know that she will have plenty of opportunities (and probably already has) for others to share in her joy. Truly, I think baby gifts being opened on Christmas in the presence of the other couple would be very insensitive. I’m sure your daughter will receive plenty of baby items in the coming months, and her MIL did not say no gifts at all.

thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I really wanted to ask for perspective from a person who does really understand, and (heart breakingly) that is you.
Honestly, I wish my daughter’s MIL was more communicative about everything. Perhaps she thinks she is sparing my daughter hurt feelings, but really if this is painful for the SIL, it would be fine to abide by her wishes, even if it meant cancelling this year.
We are all aware that regardless of anything, we will have the greatest blessing we could hope for in four months.
I have been praying for the same for my daughter’s SIL, and will do so for you as well.

 

[Allegra]

No. My question was what advice I give to my daughter. I see I wasn’t too clear on that. My daughter asked me what I thought of this situation- the last minute dinner change, the no gifts for the baby.
I can’t see how not going to the dinner makes sense. Unless seeing my daughter would upset everyone. I hadn’t thought of that.

I’m still a little confused. What is your daughter asking you? What her MIL is thinking or what she should do about it? If she is just wondering her MILs intentions, why is she asking you and not her? I’m sure MIL would be happy to tell her that because of the lose of one grandchild, she will never again purchase baby items for any grandchild, if that’s the unlikely case. Or your daughter could just assume that’s not what she meant. (That’s probably what I’d do.)

Otherwise, I think she should go to the dinner and be gracious. I don’t know why it matters or not if she would be getting baby gifts. The baby isn’t born yet, right? I mean, it would be a little weird if MIL left her grandchild out if he or she was already born, but as I understand it, this is a preborn grandchild. What exactly would she be putting in his or her stocking? A bottle of prenatal vitamins? Grandparents are under no requirement to purchase Christmas gifts for children who aren’t born yet.

If the question is, should she go to the inlaw’s house have having been jerked around a little? (invited, uninvited, reinvited after having her own parents make new plans) Well, I think that could go either way. It was a little rude of them, but then again I think most people would indulge them given the circumstances. I think it would also be okay to say, “Hey, you know my parents changed their plans so we could spend the holiday together after you cancelled, so I don’t really feel comfortable bailing on them at this point.” Then she doesn’t have to deal with the survivor’s guilt at all or worry about downplaying her happiness.

 

[mommy_k]

I’m still a little confused. What is your daughter asking you? What her MIL is thinking or what she should do about it? If she is just wondering her MILs intentions, why is she asking you and not her? I’m sure MIL would be happy to tell her that because of the lose of one grandchild, she will never again purchase baby items for any grandchild, if that’s the unlikely case. Or your daughter could just assume that’s not what she meant. (That’s probably what I’d do.)

Otherwise, I think she should go to the dinner and be gracious. I don’t know why it matters or not if she would be getting baby gifts. The baby isn’t born yet, right? I mean, it would be a little weird if MIL left her grandchild out if he or she was already born, but as I understand it, this is a preborn grandchild. What exactly would she be putting in his or her stocking? A bottle of prenatal vitamins? Grandparents are under no requirement to purchase Christmas gifts for children who aren’t born yet.

If the question is, should she go to the inlaw’s house have having been jerked around a little? (invited, uninvited, reinvited after having her own parents make new plans) Well, I think that could go either way. It was a little rude of them, but then again I think most people would indulge them given the circumstances. I think it would also be okay to say, “Hey, you know my parents changed their plans so we could spend the holiday together after you cancelled, so I don’t really feel comfortable bailing on them at this point.” Then she doesn’t have to deal with the survivor’s guilt at all or worry about downplaying her happiness.

I think --no baby gifts-was code words for --we will not be talking or acknowledging your pregnancy at this time.

I think the op’s daughter should pass on this occaision as well, not because she can’t handle it with grace, but because of the way the mil is dishing out guilt by saying that even before the dinner. I would also advise that she does not go. The focus will be on the miscarriage, and it may be very stressful for the Op’s dd given that she is pregnant. Sensitivity runs both ways, but it seems the mil is not balanced in this.

I don’t think the other dil should not put herself in this position either. She needs time to heal.

I wonder about this mil…

 

[February]

I don’t wonder about this MIL. I think she is being sensitive to the feelings of her son and daughter in law who have lost their child. They no longer have the joy, hope, and happiness that OPs daughter and son in law have about the nearing birth of their baby. There is no balance in this situation, it’s already unbalanced due to the death of the baby. It is easier (and kinder) for someone to sacrifice a bit of their joy to ease the sorrow of the suffering.

Again, OPs daughter will have, and has been having, plenty of opportunities to be the focus of attention with others sharing her excitement and joy. While nobody is obligated to attend a Christmas dinner, I don’t think it’s asking too much to be supportive of the other couple. I don’t see how not giving baby gifts (at a party where presents are not exchanged anyway) is code for anything or laying a guilt trip on the pregnant daughter. My best friends were pregnant at the time of my losses, and did not expect me to attend baby showers or even talk much about their pregnancies. They were happy when I sent them gifts, while acknowledging how hard it must be on my end. I’m not seeing how this situation is anything but showing respect for the grieving couple.

OP, thank you for your prayers. I never expected to be where I’m at right now. I pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery of your grandbaby, who certainly will be loved and cherished by both families!

Also, I don’t expect everyone to cater to me, and if I anticipate something will be triggering to me, I’ll do my best to avoid it. Nobody has to cancel fun because of me. But I also appreciate the people who have been kind and understanding to me, and really have had a difficult time with insensitive people.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t wonder about this MIL. I think she is being sensitive to the feelings of her son and daughter in law who have lost their child. They no longer have the joy, hope, and happiness that OPs daughter and son in law have about the nearing birth of their baby. There is no balance in this situation, it’s already unbalanced due to the death of the baby. It is easier (and kinder) for someone to sacrifice a bit of their joy to ease the sorrow of the suffering.

Again, OPs daughter will have, and has been having, plenty of opportunities to be the focus of attention with others sharing her excitement and joy. While nobody is obligated to attend a Christmas dinner, I don’t think it’s asking too much to be supportive of the other couple. I don’t see how not giving baby gifts (at a party where presents are not exchanged anyway) is code for anything or laying a guilt trip on the pregnant daughter. My best friends were pregnant at the time of my losses, and did not expect me to attend baby showers or even talk much about their pregnancies. They were happy when I sent them gifts, while acknowledging how hard it must be on my end. I’m not seeing how this situation is anything but showing respect for the grieving couple.

OP, thank you for your prayers. I never expected to be where I’m at right now. I pray for a healthy pregnancy and delivery of your grandbaby, who certainly will be loved and cherished by both families!

Also, I don’t expect everyone to cater to me, and if I anticipate something will be triggering to me, I’ll do my best to avoid it. Nobody has to cancel fun because of me. But I also appreciate the people who have been kind and understanding to me, and really have had a difficult time with insensitive people.

I am sorry for your losses, February. Your post shows great sensitivity and gentleness. I hope you have a blessed Christmas , and I will keep you in my prayers.