Co-habitating cousin sends out holiday card with pics of his live in girlfriend and her son

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RosslynV

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This is a clear example of a fallen away Catholic who either doesn’t care about the Church’s stance on cohabitation or doesnt even know about the moral implications. And he is clearly proud of his relationship so much so that he wants to announce if to all his family & friends. At the very least he should have wished Christmas greetings rather than holiday greetings on his card!
 
Wow!

What a monster…choosing to share his happiness with you like that.

I think you are being too quick to point out the negatives of a friendly thing here.
 
With all due respect… considering the vast amounts of people who do these things, it is not all that shocking. Yes it is sinful to live together outside of marriage, but… doesn’t everyone already know that? How is a picture of ‘John, Sue and family’ any different than had they just signed it that way?
 
I have relatives who have included pictures of significant others on their Christmas cards, whether they were living together or no. I’m personally not a fan of that (would wait at least for engagement), but these are important people in your cousin’s life. Should he pretend his son doesn’t exist? Say he did come back to the Church and decide to live his life according to the faith. He’d still have his son and his son’s mother in his life, and both of them are loved by God, too.

Instead of worrying about the propriety of sending the card, I would consider instead praying for this family - to come back to God and to raise their son well.
 
Pray for this family and love them anyway. We are all sinners.
 
Pray that this relative will not follow the world but be touched by the Holy Spirit to follow God. Joining all in prayer for this family.
 
I posted a thread a while back about a similar situation with my family. My cousin shacked up with his girlfriend and we were supposed to be as supportive and accepting as if they were married. We weren’t, which infuriated some others. We weren’t rude or unkind but when we sent Christmas cards we only addressed them to my cousin. When they broke up we were expected to treat it as though he’d lost a spouse. We didn’t. We paid it as much attention as when he and other cousins had broken up with other girlfriends/boyfriends throughout the years. Again, this upset almost everyone in the family. Since then the same cousin has shacked up with two other girlfriends and two other cousins have moved in with their significant others. They all send out photo cards, although only one of them still sends us one. We have children in the house so we don’t keep the cousin’s cards. Regardless of how much the rest of my all-Catholic family wants to condone and promote his and the other cousins’ cohabitation, that’s not a message we’ll pass on to our kids.
 
Gordon_Sims said:
I posted a thread a while back about a similar situation with my family. My cousin shacked up with his girlfriend and we were supposed to be as supportive and accepting as if they were married. We weren’t, which infuriated some others. We weren’t rude or unkind but when we sent Christmas cards we only addressed them to my cousin. When they broke up we were expected to treat it as though he’d lost a spouse. We didn’t. We paid it as much attention as when he and other cousins had broken up with other girlfriends/boyfriends throughout the years. Again, this upset almost everyone in the family. Since then the same cousin has shacked up with two other girlfriends and two other cousins have moved in with their significant others. They all send out photo cards, although only one of them still sends us one. We have children in the house so we don’t keep the cousin’s cards. Regardless of how much the rest of my all-Catholic family wants to condone and promote his and the other cousins’ cohabitation, that’s not a message we’ll pass on to our kids.
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I don’t think this approach is wrong, but keep in mind in the OP’s situation there is a child. It’s one thing if you don’t know the live-in boyfriend or girlfriend, and choose not to address things to them, but if there’s a kid involved and the OP seems to want to basically ignore his existence (how dare you remind me with this card!), I don’t know, that strikes me as really, well…mean. The kid isn’t in the wrong by existing, even if the parents aren’t living in an ideal situation. Are the parents supposed to be so ashamed of themselves that they don’t acknowledge they have a child together?

I receive cards from groups of roommates, too, with no presumed sexual relationship. I put those on display along with the live-ins, and say to our kids, “Look at all these people who love us and think of us at Christmastime!” In another thread, a poster recommended praying for the people who gave us cards, and what a great idea that is, especially for people in “irregular” situations.

Of course, the OP could throw out his card if he wishes, that’s his business. But I really hope he’s not considering saying something to his relative because I can’t imagine how that conversation would do anything but drive the cousin further away from the Church.
 
I literally just saw a facebook response that my cousin made on one of her friends’ posts. Her friend posted a photo of a huge pile of extravagant gifts. (think video games, jewelry, etc) And her friend gushed on about how lovely and kind her boyfriend’s parents were for welcoming her into their family at Christmas time. My cousin is 14 YEARS OLD! This friend is one of her schoolmates! What the heck are parents thinking nowadays?! Not only do they allow completely inappropriate levels of romantic relationships for their teens, but they encourage it by luring potential baby mamas in with extravagant gifts! If you think about it, what’s left for a couple after they’ve had exclusive relationships at twelve, sex by thirteen, and “family Christmases” by fourteen? Why is anyone surprised that a second date means moving in together?
 
pensmama87 said:
I don’t think this approach is wrong, but keep in mind in the OP’s situation there is a child. It’s one thing if you don’t know the live-in boyfriend or girlfriend, and choose not to address things to them, but if there’s a kid involved and the OP seems to want to basically ignore his existence (how dare you remind me with this card!), I don’t know, that strikes me as really, well…mean. The kid isn’t in the wrong by existing, even if the parents aren’t living in an ideal situation. Are the parents supposed to be so ashamed of themselves that they don’t acknowledge they have a child together?
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The way the OP worded it, I think this child is her child from another relationship.
 
RosslynV said:
This is a clear example of a fallen away Catholic who either doesn’t care about the Church’s stance on cohabitation or doesnt even know about the moral implications. And he is clearly proud of his relationship so much so that he wants to announce if to all his family & friends. At the very least he should have wished Christmas greetings rather than holiday greetings on his card!
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Ha! You would explode if you were in my family! The first and only card we got this year is from my gay cousin with him and whoever he is dating now on the cover. :rolleyes:

Let it go.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Ha! You would explode if you were in my family! The first and only card we got this year is from my gay cousin with him and whoever he is dating now on the cover. :rolleyes:

Let it go.
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Mine, too. We have a few divorced and remarried fallen away catholics who never got annulments. We have more than a few who are living together without marriage, some with and some without kids.

If I got offended every time one of them sent a picture or card with their civil spouses, SO’s, and/or kids I wouldn’t be on speaking terms with anyone! We’re all sinners.

At least the cousin cares enough to send out Christmas cards and hasn’t just started sending Christmas memes on Facebook like a lot of people have done.
 
OP, it might be helpful for you to indicate what you’re looking for with your post. Prayers for your cousin? Stories of other apostate relatives? Advice on what to do when relatives send you unwanted messages?
 
I understand where you are coming from in that I also despise how common and accepted co-habitation has become. It is not a big deal to secular society to be shacking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and have a bunch of children out of wedlock.

However, I would not get so bent out of shape over it either and I do not. If I tried to shield myself from everyone that is “living in sin” I would only be able to go over to one of my aunts house. All my other aunts and uncles are divorced and re-married (including my mother) my best friend who I am godfather to his youngest son, has been living in sin pretty much for the last 8 years and one of my female cousins has been married and divorced twice. Too many total children out of wedlock to even count in my family. Well, I suppose I can but why should I?

Though I will admit, I refuse to help any of my friends who plan on shacking up with helping them move stuff and so forth. That is pretty much the only time any of them have heard me speak my piece on what I think about that. And I try to say it along the lines of “You know I love you, but you know that is a sin and against Church teaching, you know I am a practicing Catholic so I cannot help you. It would be the same thing as me saying that I condone co-habitation” everyone has understood so far. Nobody was going to change their mind if I got all preachy (If I though they would, I would have preached) so I let it go. Pray for your family.
 
heidi_storage said:
OP, it might be helpful for you to indicate what you’re looking for with your post. Prayers for your cousin? Stories of other apostate relatives? Advice on what to do when relatives send you unwanted messages?
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Fair enough. I would mainly request that u say a brief prayer for such people. I woouldnt dream of bringing up this issue with my cousin since he wouldnt listen anyway. Also I just wanted to point out, with this post, that there surely must be many Catholics living in irregular relationships and wondering what motivates them. In my cousin’s case, I feel that he’s so poorly catechized that hes not even aware its a sin.
 
RosslynV said:
Fair enough. I would mainly request that u say a brief prayer for such people. I woouldnt dream of bringing up this issue with my cousin since he wouldnt listen anyway. Also I just wanted to point out, with this post, that there surely must be many Catholics living in irregular relationships and wondering what motivates them. In my cousin’s case, I feel that he’s so poorly catechized that hes not even aware its a sin.
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That would have to be one of the most poorly catechized people in the entire world. I would think that in the first world that if you asked the average person if the Catholic Church says cohabitation and premarital sex is a sin, they would say “yes” even if they did not agree. Is there a language barrier?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
That would have to be one of the most poorly catechized people in the entire world. I would think that in the first world that if you asked the average person if the Catholic Church says cohabitation and premarital sex is a sin, they would say “yes” even if they did not agree. Is there a language barrier?
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How well-catechized someone is has nothing to do with it. My entire family are cradle Catholics. Me, my siblings, my parents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles and grandparents all went through eight years of Catholic grade school. All except three of my cousins went to Catholic high schools and half a dozen of them went to a Catholic college. The majority of them still attend Mass, at least on a semi-regular basis. When my age group started dating and having steady girlfriends, the family not only approved of cohabitation but pressured a lot of us to do it. My wife and I had to fight off the arguments saying we should live together first to make sure we’re right for one another for most of the two years we were engaged. Now that some of my younger cousins are making serial, unmarried cohabitation a way of life, the family so readily and gleefully accepts it that we’re considered absolute villains for not cheerleading for the cause. We’ve been painted the same way by some or all of the family for not supporting other family member’s decisions to divorce; date, sleep and live with someone whose divorce wasn’t yet final; and not only for not encouraging one cousin to get an abortion, but for providing some of the support she needed to be able to carry the baby to term. Each of them was at least as well-catechized as I was growing up yet had no problem approving of behavior the Church clearly states is wrong, or condemning people who acted in line with Church teaching.
 
Yes, I think the correct response is concern for your cousin, his live-in, and her son.

He didn’t ask for your opinion, but if he does, then you can say, “Why do you think that there is a moral law that you marry before you live together as if you are man and wife? Because the love of your life and that boy you treat as your son–which is generous of you, yes–both deserve a real commitment, not just your willingness to be big enough to act as if you’re not ashamed of them. Nice start, in its way, but not enough…stop worrying about what a divorce would do to you, and start asking yourself what you are denying them by acting like a husband and father and yet not stepping it up to be one and give them all the benefits that marriage would grant you all.” In other words, make the most generous interpretation you can when it comes to what he is doing, and encourage him to do even better.
 
They had the nerve to send you a card wishing you a merry Christmas! How dare they!? Don’t they know that you aren’t interested in warm wishes from sinners???

I mean, really. It’s Christmas. Why turn a gracious gesture into a chance to be personally offended by their lives?

If I want to send out a Christmas card from me, my dentist, and the panhandler down the street that’s my prerogative. It would be strange, but it certainly wouldn’t be wrong for us to collectively wish you a merry Christmas.
 
Are you sure he sent it—and not his live-in girl friend? My husband “sends” out all kinds of Christmas cards to his family, friends and business associates–but it’s me who takes the photos, places the order, buys the stamps, addresses the envelopes and puts them in the mail.

Some people who are cohabitating think of their relationship as something close to marriage, as if living together is suppose to be one of the steps taken as one moves towards marriage. Your cousin, the person she is living with, may or may not feel the same way. It may be that this young single mother feels like she and her child are something like family members to you, so she included you on her greeting card list. She might *wish *she to send you a “save the date” or wedding invitation one day soon.

Depending on how close you are to your cousin, I might say something along the lines of, “When do you plan to marry ____? Have you set a date yet?” While it is wrong for two people to live together as man and wife before marriage, if they are both eligible to be married, their irregular situation can be resolved by them getting married.
 
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