Co-habitating cousin sends out holiday card with pics of his live in girlfriend and her son

[Allegra]

It sounds as though these parents are just being kind, not trying to lure a potential baby-mama!

Perhaps the 14 year old girl really needed a loving place to be at Christmas, and appreciates that another family was there for her.

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You would be okay with your daughter’s boyfriend’s parents giving your 14-year-old child hundreds of dollars worth of electronic equipment and clothing? You don’t treat someone else’s teenager as your inlaw. That’s just manipulative and wrong. It certainly isn’t “kind”. Kind would be a basket of cookies or some hand lotion. If a girl of that age is not getting along with her family, (in this case because she doesn’t want to follow her parent’s rules about curfew and behavior in school.) you tell her to grow up and obey her parents. You don’t “adopt” her so she doens’t have to. This isn’t kindness. It’s a way overly-permissive mother trying to be the “cool mom” for the sake of her own jollies, at the expense of the well-being of someone else’s child.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You would be okay with your daughter’s boyfriend’s parents giving your 14-year-old child hundreds of dollars worth of electronic equipment and clothing? You don’t treat someone else’s teenager as your inlaw. That’s just manipulative and wrong. It certainly isn’t “kind”. Kind would be a basket of cookies or some hand lotion. If a girl of that age is not getting along with her family, (in this case because she doesn’t want to follow her parent’s rules about curfew and behavior in school.) you tell her to grow up and obey her parents. You don’t “adopt” her so she doens’t have to. This isn’t kindness. It’s a way overly-permissive mother trying to be the “cool mom” for the sake of her own jollies, at the expense of the well-being of someone else’s child.

I think that the situation you described would awaken the mama bear in me. Completely and totally 100% inappropriate and manipulative.

And now a 14 year old girl is going to feel trapped in this “relationship” because she’ll feel that she owes it to his family not to break up.

 

[Allegra]

And now a 14 year old girl is going to feel trapped in this “relationship” because she’ll feel that she owes it to his family not to break up.

Exactly. Gifts such as those are not a new thing. Every boy knows why they are given and every girl who accepts them know what is expected. What is new is that once upon a time, a young man had to go our and get a job and earn the money to buy that diamond bracelet. Nowadays, his mama buys it for him so he can get some action.

In this case, it was particularly sneeky of the boy and his mother, because the girl had gotten in trouble with the law over her violent behavior at school and her parents had told her in no uncertain terms that legal fees were going to be her Christmas gift this year. This is not a poor, orphan child. My cousin attends a fancy private school in an exclusive part of Vermont. My aunt has known the family for a long time and they have several children around my cousins’ ages.

It reminds me of a situation when my sister almost got a similarly inappropriate gift. (At 17, not at 14. ) Her boyfriend gave her his deceased mother’s wedding ring. She didn’t know what to do with it and so she went to my mom and said, in essence, “What the heck is this? Am I engaged?” My mother explained about the concept of “playing marriage” and my sister asked my mother if she would please take the ring back for her as she was too embarrassed.

 

[Allegra]

Also…I can’t tell from your post if the photo of all those gifts are for her. I took it that some are for her boyfriend and they just piled stuff up and took a photo of everything.

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I suspect the post was designed to stick it to her parents, however, if the pile was both of their presents, the boy has an odd taste in clothing and accessories.

 

[EasterJoy]

You would be okay with your daughter’s boyfriend’s parents giving your 14-year-old child hundreds of dollars worth of electronic equipment and clothing? You don’t treat someone else’s teenager as your inlaw. That’s just manipulative and wrong. It certainly isn’t “kind”. Kind would be a basket of cookies or some hand lotion. If a girl of that age is not getting along with her family, (in this case because she doesn’t want to follow her parent’s rules about curfew and behavior in school.) you tell her to grow up and obey her parents. You don’t “adopt” her so she doens’t have to. This isn’t kindness. It’s a way overly-permissive mother trying to be the “cool mom” for the sake of her own jollies, at the expense of the well-being of someone else’s child.

It is possible that she is being manipulative, but I wouldn’t assume that. Some people who are very affluent (or who let their credit cards make them feel affluent for six weeks every year) do not think anything of giving what people of more modest means consider lavish gifts. They do not do it to be manipulative, but simply because they think, “oh, she would like this,” and doing it is no burden on their finances. They would not think it manipulative any more than you or I would think some gesture is manipulative just because a family who has to go without all luxuries and even many necessities couldn’t dream of doing it. If you are a middle class family and your son dates someone on food stamps, is it “manipulative” to take his girlfriend to a restaurant with your family and insist that she can order whatever she wants? Of course not.

 

[EasterJoy]

…It reminds me of a situation when my sister almost got a similarly inappropriate gift. (At 17, not at 14. ) Her boyfriend gave her his deceased mother’s wedding ring. She didn’t know what to do with it and so she went to my mom and said, in essence, “What the heck is this? Am I engaged?” My mother explained about the concept of “playing marriage” and my sister asked my mother if she would please take the ring back for her as she was too embarrassed.

Sometimes, a young person has to be taught when to return a gift and say, “This is very kind, so I hate to say this, but I cannot accept such a generous gift. It is too much.” Of course when you are still living at home, it is OK to have a parent do it for you.

The truth is, a young person ought to know when at least the try at a protest is necessary, when the situation is borderline, so the donor knows you realize how generous a gesture really is. It sets the stage for saying, “No. I cannot accept this. I can believe you only mean to be kind, but it is too much.” Sometimes, too, you have to say, “I know you mean well, but I am not comfortable accepting a gift that is so far beyond my ability to reciprocate. I wouldn’t feel right about it. I hope you’ll understand.”

 

[Allegra]

It is possible that she is being manipulative, but I wouldn’t assume that. Some people who are very affluent (or who let their credit cards make them feel affluent for six weeks every year) do not think anything of giving what people of more modest means consider lavish gifts. They do not do it to be manipulative, but simply because they think, “oh, she would like this,” and doing it is no burden on their finances. They would not think it manipulative any more than you or I would think some gesture is manipulative just because a family who has to go without all luxuries and even many necessities couldn’t dream of doing it. If you are a middle class family and your son dates someone on food stamps, is it “manipulative” to take his girlfriend to a restaurant with your family and insist that she can order whatever she wants? Of course not.

I’m not assuming. There’s more to the story that I didn’t feel was necessary to post in order to get the point accross. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to give such rediculous gifts to someone else’s child though. If you think the child is going without, then you descretely ask the parents if you can help them out. In this case, it’s obvious that the boyfriend’s mother is trying to be the “cool parent” and the family has had difficulty with this mother before. At one point, the girl smuggly told my aunt that she was going to run away and live with the boyfriend because his mom said it was okay. My aunt related this to the girl’s parents and her father called the boy’s mother who told them it was absolutely true that she told their daughter that she could stay with them until things “cooled down”. Not to worry though. The boy was going to sleep on the floor. He has a twin bed. She actually said that. My only question is why the heck they are still allowing their daughter to have any contact with these nut jobs at all.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’m not assuming. There’s more to the story that I didn’t feel was necessary to post in order to get the point accross. I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to give such rediculous gifts to someone else’s child though. If you think the child is going without, then you descretely ask the parents if you can help them out. In this case, it’s obvious that the boyfriend’s mother is trying to be the “cool parent” and the family has had difficulty with this mother before. At one point, the girl smuggly told my aunt that she was going to run away and live with the boyfriend because his mom said it was okay. My aunt related this to the girl’s parents and her father called the boy’s mother who told them it was absolutely true that she told their daughter that she could stay with them until things “cooled down”. Not to worry though. The boy was going to sleep on the floor. He has a twin bed. She actually said that. My only question is why the heck they are still allowing their daughter to have any contact with these nut jobs at all.

We’ve known and dealt with people like that. The best advice I can give is RUN!!! One of the people we knew who “knew better” and was trying to “help out” would “buy” our son lavish gifts. By buying, I mean they would get them on credit, make the first payment then tell us they were going to send us the remaining bills. The fallout was the really nasty part. I’ll just say that anytime I see someone behaving the way you described, several things come to mind, from manipulation to covering up abuse.

 

[Allegra]

We’ve known and dealt with people like that. The best advice I can give is RUN!!! One of the people we knew who “knew better” and was trying to “help out” would “buy” our son lavish gifts. By buying, I mean they would get them on credit, make the first payment then tell us they were going to send us the remaining bills. The fallout was the really nasty part. I’ll just say that anytime I see someone behaving the way you described, several things come to mind, from manipulation to covering up abuse.

It isn’t really my problem and I don’t personally know the parents in order to pass on your advice. However, I assure you that I would never allow my child to accept gifts like that from anyone who didn’t at least ask me first, and I certainly wouldn’t let a child accept such gifts such as that for a boyfriend/girlfriend or their parents.

 

[Allegra]

If you are a middle class family and your son dates someone on food stamps, is it “manipulative” to take his girlfriend to a restaurant with your family and insist that she can order whatever she wants? Of course not.

If you take your son’s girlfriend out to eat steak because she told you that her parents are strict vegetarians and you think you know better then they do, then yes, that would be manipulative and wrong.

 

[eatpraylove11]

This sounds a little judgmental. Who are you to judge the lifestyle and faith of another? It is between that person and God. Why not pray for them if you are that worried about them? Do not judge because someone sins differently than you.

John 8:7 And then, when they persevered in questioning him, he stood upright and said to them, “Let whoever is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone at her.”

 

[wheelie]

I’m a bit late in the game but :

There is no rule against co-habitation, at all, nada, none, figment of the imagination.
The acts that may occure -yes
But the actual act of living together is not
If someone makes it one it is a pastoral one not a canon one.
Don’t invent a rule that fits in with a particular view.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m a bit late in the game but :

There is no rule against co-habitation, at all, nada, none, figment of the imagination.
The acts that may occure -yes
But the actual act of living together is not
If someone makes it one it is a pastoral one not a canon one.
Don’t invent a rule that fits in with a particular view.

You are mistaken. The sin of scandal is indeed involved many times as well as the imprudent sin of placing oneself in the danger of sin.

Romantically unmarried Catholic people should not cohabitate. Period.

Now please make room for all the post describing the most dire circumstances ever with only one shelter and only two people left in the world, and there is a war going on, and one of the people is starving in Antarctica, Can they live together. Sure.

 

[Allegra]

You are mistaken. The sin of scandal is indeed involved many times as well as the imprudent sin of placing oneself in the danger of sin.

Romantically unmarried Catholic people should not cohabitate. Period.

Now please make room for all the post describing the most dire circumstances ever with only one shelter and only two people left in the world, and there is a war going on, and one of the people is starving in Antarctica, Can they live together. Sure.

My aunt’s cousin’s stepsister got thrown out of her apartment in the middle of the blizzard at two in the morning, in a town where she didn’t know anyone, and the homeless shelter was full, and nobody would take her in, so it’s okay that she stayed with her boyfriend for ten years until they broke up, right? And of course, if it’s okay for them, it’s okay for everybody! Who are we to judge?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My aunt’s cousin’s stepsister got thrown out of her apartment in the middle of the blizzard at two in the morning, in a town where she didn’t know anyone, and the homeless shelter was full, and nobody would take her in, so it’s okay that she stayed with her boyfriend for ten years until they broke up, right? And of course, if it’s okay for them, it’s okay for everybody! Who are we to judge?

 

[Allegra]

I don’t understand why the grandfather’s situation or intentions is even worth discussing here. He did what he did at the time with the information he was given. His intentions were his own and there is simply no way to guess what they were decades later when none of us has even met him. The grandfather’s situation way back when has nothing to do with the OP’s situation now or in the future.

Currently, we have increasingly excellent, accurate forms of NFP, a massively increased level of medical prenatal care, and a multitude of good books that the average layman (or even considerably below average layman) can read and understand the vocation, sacrament, and purpose of marriage and how self-mutilation in order to avoid the inconvenience of children plays absolutely no part in it.

In short, we all know better, so let’s don’t worry about what they did in the good ole days.

 

[Demetra2]

I understand where you are coming from in that I also despise how common and accepted co-habitation has become. It is not a big deal to secular society to be shacking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend and have a bunch of children out of wedlock.

However, I would not get so bent out of shape over it either and I do not. If I tried to shield myself from everyone that is “living in sin” I would only be able to go over to one of my aunts house. All my other aunts and uncles are divorced and re-married (including my mother) my best friend who I am godfather to his youngest son, has been living in sin pretty much for the last 8 years and one of my female cousins has been married and divorced twice. Too many total children out of wedlock to even count in my family. Well, I suppose I can but why should I?

Though I will admit, I refuse to help any of my friends who plan on shacking up with helping them move stuff and so forth. That is pretty much the only time any of them have heard me speak my piece on what I think about that. And I try to say it along the lines of “You know I love you, but you know that is a sin and against Church teaching, you know I am a practicing Catholic so I cannot help you. It would be the same thing as me saying that I condone co-habitation” everyone has understood so far. Nobody was going to change their mind if I got all preachy (If I though they would, I would have preached) so I let it go. Pray for your family.

It is a serious and very common problem in our culture for the past 40 years that cohabitation and irregular marital situations are so pervasive in almost every family. As each generation comes into maturity the members seem to have forgotten or never knew that cohabitation is wrong in the eyes of God. Or perhaps they know and just don’t agree or care. Whatever the reason, the few of us who feel differently have to kindly and lovingly deal with these family members even if we don’t agree with their lack of morals. Our actions speak louder that words and if we are kind to all concerned we stand a better chance of making an impression. Most of the time it seems inappropriate for us to even state an opinion unless asked. But we don’t have to encourage improper behavior although we can encourage these family members to attend church. A frustrating position but until the Catholic church starts talking about this loud and clear we can only stand by and pray for these friends and family and hope for the best.

 

[SuperLuigi]

This is a clear example of a fallen away Catholic who either doesn’t care about the Church’s stance on cohabitation or doesnt even know about the moral implications. And he is clearly proud of his relationship so much so that he wants to announce if to all his family & friends. At the very least he should have wished Christmas greetings rather than holiday greetings on his card!

Serious question: Are you scrupulous?