Co-habitating dilemma

[PatriceA]

I did sincerely want to know how to address it with my brother. When I asked if I should just show up and say the kids couldn’t make it, I was asking if I should act like it’s no big deal. I now realize that I should RSVP before hand and I agree that I should just simply say only my husband and I can attend and if asked why I can explain myself.

I do struggle with pride. And when I told him I disprove of his choice, I did it as lovingly and charitable as I possibly could. (Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all? After all, he knew that I did not live with my husband before we were married) I do not want to “punish” my brother which is why I still want to attend. (But maybe I already have by stating what I think) But I have an obligation as a parent to protect my children. It’s an awkward situation all the way around, and I’m seeking advice to lessen the awkwardness. I’m not sure it’s possible.

The comment about not being surprised if he doesn’t care when I say my kids can’t come is something I needed to hear. It makes me think twice and it certainly makes me consider my prideful nature.

You do what you think is best for your children, first. And you keep the conversation going if necessary with your brother while protecting your children and continuing to do what you think is best, and if what you think is best is not letting them over to your brother’s place then that’s what you do. You can certainly have your brother and his girlfriend over to your place.
I don’t think you ever shun or shame your brother, but you certainly do what you have to do what you think is best in the interests of your children.

I would bet someday when your brother has children of his own, he’ll get why you are doing what you think you need as far as your children are concern. Its amazing how quickly people’s points of view change once they have children of their own.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I did sincerely want to know how to address it with my brother. When I asked if I should just show up and say the kids couldn’t make it, I was asking if I should act like it’s no big deal. I now realize that I should RSVP before hand and I agree that I should just simply say only my husband and I can attend and if asked why I can explain myself.

I do struggle with pride. And when I told him I disprove of his choice, I did it as lovingly and charitable as I possibly could. (Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all? After all, he knew that I did not live with my husband before we were married)

The fact that you chose differently doesn’t indicate that you disagreed with his choice. Many people today take a “to each his own” stance, so I would say you did well to tell him your opinion charitably. How did he react to that conversation?

I do not want to “punish” my brother which is why I still want to attend. (But maybe I already have by stating what I think) But I have an obligation as a parent to protect my children. It’s an awkward situation all the way around, and I’m seeking advice to lessen the awkwardness. I’m not sure it’s possible.

The comment about not being surprised if he doesn’t care when I say my kids can’t come is something I needed to hear. It makes me think twice and it certainly makes me consider my prideful nature.

If he truly doesn’t have a strong reaction, then that is something to be grateful for. You can be glad that you are able to speak truthfully to him without fear of over-reactions. This is a sign that you can mutually respect each other, and that you will be able to continue a relationship, which is wonderful for family and also for being a witness to your faith, even just by living your life according to your beliefs.

If his reaction is angry (sometimes “I don’t care” is actually code for “I am really angry, and I care a lot”), or defensive, or sad, then it becomes more awkward and difficult. In such a situation (and maybe even if he reacts really well), I think the honest thing to express to him is that you love him and want nothing but the best for him, and that because of your beliefs, you would be thrilled if he decided to change his decision. But that you respect his right to make his own decisions, and that you simply need to make the decisions for YOUR immediate family that are consistent with your conscience. So you are deciding to keep the kids from his new house because of your obligation to teach the faith to your children, NOT to try to hold them as leverage and convince him to change his mind. You can say that if they do decide to get married in the Church someday (need that “in the church” statement), you and the kids will be there with bells on. And until then, you still want to have a good relationship with him. And that you will continue to respect his right to make his own decisions, and you hope he will respect your right to follow your conscience as well.

 

[Kelfa28]

You do what you think is best for your children, first. And you keep the conversation going if necessary with your brother while protecting your children and continuing to do what you think is best, and if what you think is best is not letting them over to your brother’s place then that’s what you do. You can certainly have your brother and his girlfriend over to your place.
I don’t think you ever shun or shame your brother, but you certainly do what you have to do what you think is best in the interests of your children.

I would bet someday when your brother has children of his own, he’ll get why you are doing what you think you need as far as your children are concern. Its amazing how quickly people’s points of view change once they have children of their own.

Exactly right.

Keep praying for your brother and his girlfriend. My husband and I were that couple before we came back into the Church. You never know what will bring a change of heart and when that will happen. For us…it was suddenly finding out we were going to be parents.
We both did a 180 degree turn and everything changed for us.

I think the best advice has already been given more then once.
Do not decline the invitation to dinner.
Don’t bring the children.
Call him beforehand and let him know that you will be there but the kids can’t make it.
Don’t elaborate as to why unless directly asked.
If he does ask why…try to be as kind as you can with delivering the truth.

Inviting him and his girlfriend over your house is a great idea. Have dinner…have them hang out with the kids and have a good time.

 

[FrancisBenedict]

Maybe we should all remember about those we consider sinners.

Jesus did not shun sinners.

He spent a lot of time with them all his ministry. So much, he was condemned for it.

Peace+

 

[quiet52]

Dear OP,

Thank you for loving the faith, for loving your children enough to teach them the faith, and for caring about the souls of John and Sarah.

When I was a younger parent I was faced with a similar situation, and I stood my ground as charitably as I could.

Please phone your brother to thank him for the dinner invitation. If you are able to find a babysitter for your children, I would recommend that you and your husband attend the dinner to meet your brother’s potential in-laws. But please be up front with your brother that you won’t be bringing the children, and tell him why. If you don’t tell him why now, and attend the dinner, John and Sarah might put you on the spot while you’re sitting at their dinner table, “how about dinner with the kids next week Saturday?” Now that would be awkward!

Tell your brother you love him so much, and that Sarah seems to be a nice person, but that you cannot pretend to your children that their living together as an unmarried couple is okay by you. Explain that you don’t want to confuse your children about what the Catholic Church teaches about marriage, dating, and other moral issues. Tell him you don’t want your children to disapprove of HIM or of SARAH personally, and that you will gradually teach them to hate the sin but never the sinner, but you have to figure out how to teach that over time, it’s too much right now.

This is not a matter of misplaced pride on your part, nor does it seem to have anything to do with punishing your brother. Do not apologize, for you have nothing to apologize for. Don’t let emotions and awkwardness control you. Also, realize that you are not responsible for how our brother or his girlfriend react to you. Just be charitable, but be truthful and do what is right for your family.

 

[PatriceA]

Maybe we should all remember about those we consider sinners.

Jesus did not shun sinners.

He spent a lot of time with them all his ministry. So much, he was condemned for it.

Peace+

Nobody is suggesting that the OP shun her brother. But “breaking bread” with a sinner doesn’t mean you have to subject your children and their innocence to situation that could be perceived as sinful before the children are mature enough in their faith formation to thoroughly understand the situation for what it is.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Nobody is suggesting that the OP shun her brother. But “breaking bread” with a sinner doesn’t mean you have to subject your children and their innocence to situation that could be perceived as sinful before the children are mature enough in their faith formation to thoroughly understand the situation for what it is.

Exactly. Jesus didn’t take a bunch of children to dine with the sinners. He also turned over the tables of the merchants at the temple, so he didn’t always hug the sinners. He did what was righteous in the moment.

 

[Rachel126]

I understand your dilemma.
This might depend a bit on the ages and maturity levels of your children. I am assuming they are older than toddlers, old enough to figure out what’s going on.
I understand not wanting to expose children to these kinds of situations.
At the same time, they may well already be exposed to these kinds of things. Most kids have friends at school who have divorced/remarried parents, two moms/two dads, a parent who is living with a girlfriend/boyfriend, a single mom who is pregnant. It’s almost impossible to prevent them from seeing these situations in modern culture, books, movies, television, celebrities. I think it’s fine if you would prefer to keep them away from the dinner, but sooner or later (depending on the marriage intentions of your brother), your kids may find out they are living together anyway (example: You are all together at your folks’ house at Christmas and Sarah say something about “our” house or apartment, or someone tells a story that makes it clear they are living together). I think it’s fine to use these moments as “teachable moments.” You can explain to your kids that you disapprove of their living together and explain why. But you can also tell them it’s OK for them to still love their uncle and for him to be in their lives.