Co-habitation

  • Thread starter Thread starter monica4patience
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

monica4patience

Guest
DD22 will graduate from college next month. She informed me this morning that she’ll be moving into an apartment with her boyfriend. I expressed my disapproval, but don’t know what more to do/say.

She’s a good kid; very smart; great grades; active in extra-curricular stuff; very independent. Graduated from a traditional Catholic high school; active in Life Teen; took chastity pledge; etc. She had a chaste relationship with her former boyfriend for 3 years. They broke up, mutually, 1-1/2 years ago.

She’s been dating the new BF for 1 year. They’ve had a long-distance relationship while she was away at school; although she’s been spending most of her school breaks at his family’s house (45 minutes from our home). She says he wants to propose sometime this year. His parents are in agreement with the living arrangements.

I don’t feel I have much I can say that she’ll listen to since I had recently shared my story with her: moved in with BF; met future DH who proposed; moved out; accepted proposal; lived with DH for 2 months before wedding (celebrated 33 years last November)
 
Is she willing to give up the Eucharist for this? Because she can’t really present herself to receive Jesus’ body and blood when she is fornicating…even if she confesses, you can’t confess and get absolution for a sin you intend to keep committing…How sad…And this is from a person who shacked up with my husband before we married. Pretty amazing that we did get married.

All you can do is pray, and keep expressing your disapproval of her choice to do this.
 
Prayers for you and for your daughter.

Be warned about what happens in this thread. You will encounter posters at CAF who will try to find loopholes to justify cohabitation. It’s a far too common occurrence here.
 
How does she know he is going to propose? There are women out there who live with their boyfriends for years and never see a proposal.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Is she willing to give up the Eucharist for this? Because she can’t really present herself to receive Jesus’ body and blood when she is fornicating…
Click to expand...
Just because a couple live together does not mean they are participating in sexual behaviors.

I lived with my husband for 4 months before we got married, we had no choice, literally none.

I discussed this with multiple priests and because we slept in different rooms and abstained, even from deep kissing, they told me that there was no sin for me to confess.

Not only that, but it has made our transition to marriage so smooth. I love being married and we have been together for over 4 years! I have never been happier.
 
monica4patience said:
I don’t feel I have much I can say that she’ll listen to since I had recently shared my story with her: moved in with BF; met future DH who proposed; moved out; accepted proposal; lived with DH for 2 months before wedding (celebrated 33 years last November)
Click to expand...
I’m not sure why you would share something like this with her, but since it is out there you need to loop back around and ensure that whatever you shared did not plant the seed that this is acceptable behavior. You need to be clear that this is grave matter, for which you have been to confession and received absolution.

I think you need to talk to her about the seriousness of this and not shy away from it thinking you have lost moral authority due to mistakes in your past. Not so.
 
I feel like the only advice I can give you is to pray for her and her boyfriend. I will also keep them in my prayers. My husband and I lived together briefly before getting married. We knew it was wrong and because of it we were not able to receive the Eucharist. It made me sad, but of course not enough to change my ways unfortunately. My husband (fiance at the time of cohabitation) went to a weekend Catholic retreat about a month before our wedding and talked to a priest about our living arrangements. So for the last month of our relationship, even though we lived together, we lived as roommates (i.e. not sharing a bed together and sleeping in separate rooms) I’m in no way justifying this behavior at all. I think it was only slightly better than what we were doing; however, I now feel how wrong it was. The point is, it’s usually after the fact when we realized that cohabitation was wrong. Hopefully your daughter will never get to this point and she’ll decide to live separately. One thing I think of is how I will never be able to say I only started living with a man when I got married (although my husband was the only person I lived with, we weren’t married). I think it’s admirable and beautiful when couples save not only sex but living together for when they’re married. Good Luck & God Bless!
 
All you can do is remind her that it is wrong to live together prior to marriage and offer her assistance to make living separated from him economically easier. I would also discourage her away from thinking of any boyfriend as a future spouse. Until she is planning a wedding, a boyfriend is just a boy that is a friend. If he proposes, that is his choice. She should be discerning marriage with him, but ultimately she has to wait for him to make his decision to marry her. Telling a girl that you want to marry and you intend to propose within the next year just encourages emotional immodesty in a woman. He has every right to change his mind.
 
Might I also add, I find couples who live together as boyfriend/girlfriend who are not seriously engaged and intending on getting married tend to open up the door for that type of behavior for good. Meaning, if they break up and discontinue living together, she/he will see this type of behavior as acceptable and will repeat it in the future with other boyfriends/girlfriends. Maybe talk to her about how she doesn’t want to marry a man (because let’s face it, he hasn’t proposed yet so we can’t be certain he’s the one) and share a home with him knowing that she’s also shared a home with x number of other men. Just a thought.
 
besides the moral issues here, the statistics of those who live together before getting married and then getting a divorce afterwards is very high. It is not a good set up if she thinks that they will be married later and that it will last. Also, even if they really don’t have sex and are living together does open them up to scandal and temptations. If she thinks that he will propose later, tell her “why should he buy the cow when the milk is free” This is rather crude thought but is true. There is no guarantee he will propose and even marry her. True loves waits.
 
let her get on with her life. she sounds like a good kid. just because her idea of life differs from yours is that really a problem. she is not you and never will be, as long as shes not out there selling her body, drugs or killing people who cares
 
There isn’t much you can say. Express your disapproval once, then drop it. It really isn’t any of your business, she’s an adult and its between her and her boyfriend. And good luck convincing anyone who’s just starting out that they should pay for two homes in this economy.
 
Who is going to pay for this future wedding? You can certainly place restrictions on how she receives this gift. You are not required to pay for it and she can not assume you will. The fact you cohabitated is irrelevant. You are wiser now - that’s your role as parent.

Sure, that will get ugly, but motal sin is ugly, too.
 
He lives at home now. She could easily live at home also. She will have a very high-paying job, so the economics of it (for her) isn’t an issue. I’m a bit concerned about his finances and how he handles money. He’s showered her with many gifts (as have his parents). She herself is very frugal, but enjoying the gifts none the less.

I’d like to ask her if she’s talked with her priest at school, or his priest (whom he talks to regularly).

She has lots of cousins who co-habitate and are still waiting for the marriage proposal!
 
FullOfThought said:
Just because a couple live together does not mean they are participating in sexual behaviors.

I lived with my husband for 4 months before we got married, we had no choice, literally none.

I discussed this with multiple priests and because we slept in different rooms and abstained, even from deep kissing, they told me that there was no sin for me to confess.

Not only that, but it has made our transition to marriage so smooth. I love being married and we have been together for over 4 years! I have never been happier.
Click to expand...
You are a very rare exception to the rule. Most couples who shack up have every intention of having sex and they have no shame about it. Good for you for bucking the trend, but I would not assume everyone is as well-intentioned as you and your husband were.
 
We told our children that if they cohabitate we will not pay for the wedding. Adults who are sharing their bodies, bills, and lives don’t need their parents to pay for their wedding. I know it doesn’t stop them, but it does make you think about the weight of the decision and the ultimate costs you pay for living together before marriage.

My dad’s line to my sister when she decided to move in with her BF: “Why pay for the cow when the milk is free?”

Can’t imagine she wouldn’t begin to feel used if she was doing his cooking/cleaning/laundry/taxes, etc., all the things you do as a wife, without the permanent committment.
 
If her desire is to be married, she really is sabotaging her wish to have a ring and a date. I’ve seen plenty of times that once a couple lives together, it’s very easy for the fella to say that marriage is just a piece of paper. Actually, by her agreeing to live together, that’s what she is saying too.

Does that idea help?

Staying at home for a year while she makes a good income will provide a wonderful downpayment for a house. No doubt the couple will want their parents’ help when shopping for a house when they easily could have extended their time at home and saved.
 
monica4patience said:
He lives at home now. She could easily live at home also. She will have a very high-paying job, so the economics of it (for her) isn’t an issue. I’m a bit concerned about his finances and how he handles money. He’s showered her with many gifts (as have his parents). She herself is very frugal, but enjoying the gifts none the less.

I’d like to ask her if she’s talked with her priest at school, or his priest (whom he talks to regularly).

She has lots of cousins who co-habitate and are still waiting for the marriage proposal!
Click to expand...
Wait, she’s going to move in with him and his parents?? I can see why you are perplexed by this. It sounds like she’s a high achiever. It’s surprising that someone as independent as she sounds wouldn’t rather have a place of her own. Has she offered anything (other than the alleged future proposal) as a reason for her choice?

Yes, definitely ask if they’ve talked to a priest.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top