Co-habiting before marriage

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TX_Michele

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Hi, although I’ve been reading Catholic Answers for a while now, this is my first post. Hopefully, I have posted this in the right forum.

I have a friend that is co-habitating with her fiance and they are getting married this spring in a catholic church in Las Vegas (a destination wedding). They have attended a weekend retreat & are signed up for the pre-martial counseling thru our church. Apparently, the co-habitating issue was briefly talked about & was in the questionaire, but when they met with the priest, he didn’t say anything about it.

My question is, what is the church’s policy now with regards to co-habitation prior to marriage? I know it use to be that couples had to seperate & live apart for a specified time period (I think it was 6 months).

Thank you for any assistance on this subject.

Sincerely,
Michele :hmmm:
 
I’m not sure about a time frame, but they are living in sin and need to stop and go to Confession ASAP. Otherwise its a mockery of the Sacarment of Matrimony.
 
I think in general they are told to abstain while they are still together before the wedding and that’s about it. I think it is pretty shocking and sets them up for all kinds of problems; it looks as if religion is winking at their marriage preparation.
 
Michele,

Sadly, most of the couples I prepare for marriage are living together already. I always urge them to separate, or at least live as brother and sister for some time prior to the marriage and to go to confession since what they are doing is objectively gravely sinful. There is no set duration for this time of separation. Since we do ask that they contact us no less than six months before the marriage, I generally suggest that from the first meeting until the marriage they separate. Of course, I know they won’t…

Deacon Ed
 
Co-habitation is a no-no and corrective action should be taken.
 
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Sanctus:
Co-habitation is a no-no and corrective action should be taken.
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Just out of curiosity, what “corrective action” do you think would be effective?

Deacon Ed
 
I would say that at least 1/2 of all the couples preparing for marriage at our parish are co-habiting.

I would agree with Fr. Ed. that not many of them heed the advice to separate or to live as brother and sister until their wedding.

And it’s not just matrimony, folks – many parents that come to baptism class are also co-habiting, and in my estimate, a good number of them aren’t going to Mass regularly.

Pastorally, both circumstances are difficult. I feel as if the couples are “using” the parish to get what they want baptism, marriage, etc., without understanding or embracing the theology behind the sacraments.

Too often after the wedding, or after the baptism we won’t see these people in Church for a long, long time.

Pray for them, please.
 
Deacon Ed:
Just out of curiosity, what “corrective action” do you think would be effective?

Deacon Ed
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Can’t you politely refuse to marry them? Isn’t it sanctioning scandal not to? (I am asking in a sincere way, Deacon Ed…)
 
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StephanieC:
Can’t you politely refuse to marry them? Isn’t it sanctioning scandal not to? (I am asking in a sincere way, Deacon Ed…)
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The problem is that we can’t refuse to marry them! As Catholics they have a right to the sacrament provided they are not otherwise prevented from marrying (already married, a public vow never to marry, in orders, etc.). While an individual cleric can say he can’t do it they can “church shop” and find someone who will. Sad, but true.

Deacon Ed
 
Deacon Ed:
Just out of curiosity, what “corrective action” do you think would be effective?

Deacon Ed
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Beat them with rulers 👍 If we had enought nuns we could make an order of “Nuptiual Nuns.” One would stay with the Bride-to-Be after their first wedding counciling that way the Bride and the Groom won’t get into any “trouble.”

No, but seriously I actually don’t understand why the Church will allow such marriages to proceed. We know that cohabitation leads to a higher rate of divorce so why do we marry those who openly defy Church teaching? Why not just tell them “hey–line for confession is over there and come back in a month when you’ve got things worked out.”
 
Deacon Ed:
The problem is that we can’t refuse to marry them! As Catholics they have a right to the sacrament provided they are not otherwise prevented from marrying (already married, a public vow never to marry, in orders, etc.). While an individual cleric can say he can’t do it they can “church shop” and find someone who will. Sad, but true.

Deacon Ed
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In terms of your query re: “corrective action,” however, if no cleric steps up and corrects them, why should they think they are doing anything wrong?

I am not saying that you need to chase them all around the diocese, reporting them to each church that they “shop.” But who should clerics report to? Cohabiting couples or the Church, and ultimately, God?
 
It does indeed cause scandel to perform marriages for couples who really care nothing for the Sacrament of Marriage. Both of my sons abstained before marriage. They faced the ridicule of contemporaries along with the strong temptations to succumb.

Isn’t there anything the Church can do?

Dan L
 
Dan and Stephanie:

I think most clerics do, indeed, tell them that they need to separate or, at least, to live as brother and sister. They already know the teaching of the Church – and have choosen to ignore it on this point. There is little we can do beyond make suggestions. Believe me, this is something that we discuss quite frequently in deanery meetings, in dialog with the bishops, in discussion among ourselves. There is no good answer that we can find.

Clearly, from the earliest teachings of the family on the values of abstinence, of keeping oneself pure through the teachings of the Church in homilies/sermons, in religious education, in sacramental preparation this needs to be a part of the curriculum. But in the end, it’s up to each individual to choose to follow the Church’s teachings or not. The clergy are not, and cannot be, sacramental police. We are obligated by canon law to make the sacraments available to any and all Catholics who present themselves, are properly prepared, and who are not canonically prohibited from the sacraments. Since knowing the state of their soul is not one of the requirements for refusing a sacrament our hands are tied.

In short, there is no effective “corrective action” that is consonant with the laws of the Church.

Deacon Ed
 
Of course there’s something the Church can do…the Sacraments come through Her. The Church already regulates the disposal of other Sacraments–including marriage i.e. church law requires a man to be 16 and a woman to be 14 to marry but also there is a requirement that the two be civily disposed to marriage. Ok, what would it take to say “if it is clear that the couple is living in an obstinate state of sin than the marriage can not occur in the Church untill such time as the couple has demonstrated their mastery of a lifestyle of purity.”
 
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Sanctus:
“…untill such time as the couple has demonstrated their mastery of a lifestyle of purity.”
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Sounds like a slippery slope to me. Let’s not forget God’s love and mercy. I think it is right for the Church to hold up the ideal, but how can you expect the Church to go about ENFORCING the ideal? What do you think the end result would be, how many people would be driven away from the Church, thinking that what they DEMAND (not what they ask) is impossible for them to live up to? How many people would submit only out of fear? That does not sound like Christ’s Church to me.
 
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Sanctus:
Of course there’s something the Church can do…the Sacraments come through Her. The Church already regulates the disposal of other Sacraments–including marriage i.e. church law requires a man to be 16 and a woman to be 14 to marry but also there is a requirement that the two be civily disposed to marriage. Ok, what would it take to say “if it is clear that the couple is living in an obstinate state of sin than the marriage can not occur in the Church untill such time as the couple has demonstrated their mastery of a lifestyle of purity.”
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You are now asking for a subjective reading. Remember that the Church, though canon law, provides objective statements about how the Church is to conduct herself. Under present canon law your proposal would be impossible. Since no cleric can ask more than the Church does it is not possible to provide “corrective action” such as you suggest.

Deacon Ed
 
When someone moves in with a person without the benefit of marriage, it is never the best thing to do. I allowed my Catholic boyfriend to move in with me long before I became Catholic or even thought about being Catholic. I am a grown woman, was a Christain and knew better but I did it anyway. He was recovering from appendicitis and I took care of him. He just never left. We are not well off financially. For me to move out would be a tremendous burden. He usually sleeps on the couch and I in the bedroom with the dogs. He knows I want us to wait to be married before becoming intimate again. Sometimes we fail. We are doing the best we can at the moment. I don’t take this at all lightly. Not everyone in this situation is flaunting what the church teaches and what Jesus taught. Try to be a little more compassionate.
 
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SherryLynn9:
When someone moves in with a person without the benefit of marriage, it is never the best thing to do. I allowed my Catholic boyfriend to move in with me long before I became Catholic or even thought about being Catholic. I am a grown woman, was a Christain and knew better but I did it anyway. He was recovering from appendicitis and I took care of him. He just never left. We are not well off financially. For me to move out would be a tremendous burden. He usually sleeps on the couch and I in the bedroom with the dogs. He knows I want us to wait to be married before becoming intimate again. Sometimes we fail. We are doing the best we can at the moment. I don’t take this at all lightly. Not everyone in this situation is flaunting what the church teaches and what Jesus taught. Try to be a little more compassionate.
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Sherry-

There is much compassion here. Your fellow Catholics here are worried for your soul, and that of other cohabiting bf’s and gf’s. They wish for you to be in the fullness of the Church. Sometimes doing the right thing is extremely hard- and painful- but it doesn’t make it any less right. The people here aren’t trying to put you down, but lift you UP!

Please consider moving to seperate homes or getting married.

May God be with you.
 
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Shiann:
Sherry-

There is much compassion here. Your fellow Catholics here are worried for your soul, and that of other cohabiting bf’s and gf’s. They wish for you to be in the fullness of the Church. Sometimes doing the right thing is extremely hard- and painful- but it doesn’t make it any less right. The people here aren’t trying to put you down, but lift you UP!

Please consider moving to seperate homes or getting married.

May God be with you.
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Thank you. Your concern is appreciated, really. Please keep us in your prayers.
 
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