Codependent again?

[acarlson]

I originally asked a question similar to this in “Ask an Apologist,” but as I figured it wasn’t answered. This is probably best, cause I would like more varied (name removed by moderator)ut.

This past year in college, my sophomore year, I lived with an international student from China along with two other friends in the adjacent room. My previous roommate was one of my other friends, and my Chinese roommate lived next door to me the year before. I’m an only child, so I wasn’t sure what to expect when I first shared a room. Thankfully, everything went almost perfect with my first roommate. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way with my Chinese friend. Not only was she used to having a room all to herself, she was used to sleeping in a house with her mother, who is an extremely light sleeper. I’m used to a noisy house and falling asleep with the television on, so I essentially let her do whatever once I went to bed; I’d even let her keep the lights on so long as she didn’t listen to anything at an unreasonably loud volume. However, I ended up feeling like I was a guest living in her room after a few weeks. I had to do several things so that she could sleep without waking up, including:

• Turning off all lights, including my desk light
• Unplug my mouse and use the trackpad on my laptop because the clicking was too loud
• Get changed before she went to bed because the sound of the drawers opening and closing scared her when she was sleeping
• Not fluff my pillow once she was on her bed
• Make sure not to cough too loudly when I was sick (I have asthma, so colds are HORRIBLE for me)

My problem is this: I have a history of codependent relationships in which I give up my personal well-being for the sake of the other person’s happiness and comfort. I did manage to tell my roommate when she did things that really upset me, but I generally let the little things go because they really didn’t matter. I really believe in putting up with personal discomfort to help others, especially when I see good in the person. Even though she may not have had the best upbringing, I can see that she is, at heart, a truly sweet, caring, loving person. She just doesn’t always realize others’ needs without them being pointed out to her. I really do value our friendship and I’m glad that I got to know her during my freshman year. Even better, I can see a change in her over this past year, especially when it comes to her knowledge on the Catholic faith (whether she believes or not is up to her; at least we’re getting the facts straightened out! ) In addition, she’s experiencing now many things here in America as I did back in middle school, which I have learned to deal with over the past few years. I’m glad that I’m able to give her helpful advice and I’m glad to know that she at least listens to it.

Unfortunately, one day after a series of incidents, I ended up losing my cool and slammed our bathroom door while she was laying in bed at night. It resulted in her verbally attacking me by blaming my refusal to be quiet enough for her to sleep as what caused her to start going to therapy. Of course, I didn’t attack her back, simply said something like, “you shouldn’t blame me for that” and went into the bathroom, laid on the floor, and cried. My previous roommate was in the bathroom and saw the whole thing, and she told me that I did the right thing by not feeding it back to her. Thankfully, she heard me crying and came back into the bathroom, apologized, and made sure I had calmed down before she went back.Earlier in the year, a similar incident happened - though not as extreme - in which I said the wrong thing (honestly, I was intentionally a bit short with her) at the wrong time and ended up getting blamed for her “failure” at her German final.

After that incident, I realized that, even though I forgave her the moment she came into the bathroom, I was afraid of upsetting her for fear of being hurt in response. I think my failure to speak up at the beginning of the year led her to believe that I had no problems with her behavior, so any time I would bring up something that irritated me, I was worried that she would take it as a personal attack since I had not told her upfront - she’s the kind of person who tells you when you do something that she doesn’t like the moment she doesn’t like it, the exact opposite of my behavior. In other words, I quietly grinned and bared the rest of the anger and fear I felt the rest of the year and dealt with it. Now that we’re on summer vacation, I’m afraid to tell her how frustrated I was because I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

I’ve only recently come to realize, through the help of an amazing priest, that my previous relationships, both romantic and platonic friendships, have been largely codependent that resulted in large scars that are still healing to this day. In other words, I have a VERY difficult time telling where the line is between Christian love for one’s neighbor, especially at the expense of one’s own comfort, and an emotionally abusive relationship.

Anyone. . . please help? Do you have any good Catholic Christian resources on the subject? Any personal advice?

Thank you so much in advance!

 

[Gods_Holy_Will]

I’m sorry that I don’t know what advice to give, but I will keep you in my prayers.! God bless you! :hug1:

 

[Gods_Holy_Will]

I’m sorry that I don’t know what advice to give, but I will keep you in my prayers! :hug1:

 

[Fan_of_Francis]

I too do not have anything to offer you other than prayers. May our Lord give you the peace, wisdom and strength you need.

 

[LSK]

this is a difficult subject, because our Catholic faith does require us to be kind and loving to those who are unloveable. I always have a difficult time discerning when I am standing up for myself and when I am simply demanding that ‘they’ treat me in a way I feel is deserve. After all, if I am trying to become more like Jesus then I have a role model who was not treated very well by the world…and yet He endured it all for my sins.

Let me tell you what I am working towards: it is all about motives.

What are my motives for trying to be kind and accomodating to another? Am I trying to go along to get along so that they will think I am the greatest thing since pockets? Am I trying to be kind and accomodating because that is what Jesus wants from me?

If I am hoping to be loved and admired, I may be harboring a secret, small desire that the person see MY accomodating nature as something they should admire - and this admiration will cause them to treat me in the manner I hope to be treated (which is, of course, really well).

I am learning to negotiate with the difficult people in my life - the ones who, like your roommate, demand special treatment without being willing to extend the same to those around me. Often times they don’t even realize they are being super brats. And while you are too young to have a child her age, you might look upon this negotiation as a way to help her learn to live in the world without demanding that everyone conform to HER desires.

Perhaps, with the help of a third party (maybe her therapist?), the two of you could sit down and come up with a better plan for sharing your space. You may need to require her to turn off the light, stop watching tv, etc not because you HAVE to have the room quiet but as a way to show her how people give and take in a communal situation.

It is just a thought - meanwhile, I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[stepper]

Hya acarison
I have co dependancy tendencies because of my catholic upbringing (among other issues). For most people they get the balance right. I have learned that I mis learned some of the lessons growing up. I was one of 9 kids and felt I had to look after others when I couldn’t look after myself. I covered my lack of self esteem and self awareness with perfectionism and being as ‘Christian’ and good as i could possibly be.

Jesus said to love our neighbours AS ourselves and not INSTEAD of ourselves.

One way of thinking about it is like the oxygen that drops down in aircrafts.
As a co dependant I would make sure the person (or child) next to me had their oxygen. In the meantime I pass out and cant help anyone. In fact I become part of the problem, because now I have become a real issue to the aircraft staff and need medical attention.

I keep this in mind now when I’m dealing with other people. A codependant will give away their own oxygen and suffocate before they take responsibility for their own needs. saying no to others becomes really difficult.

Imagine God has given me a hoola hoop to stand in. everything in my hoola hoop is my stuff, my issues, my responsibilities. Its how I learn the lessons He wants me to learn

God also has given everyone else their own hoola hoops for the same reason.

As a codependant my first instinct is to notice what is in other peoples hoola hoops. I can see clearly how to fix whats there. I can do the lessons for them. Trouble is I’m not the one suffering the consequences of my advice and that person is bypassing the lesson they need so don’t learn how to do it for themselves.

While i’m busy fixing whats in other peoples hula hoops and getting tired and frustrated at the effort and the fact that others don’t want or need me to fix their issues… I’m ignoring my own hula hoop which is getting more and more overgrown and messy. I start to feel real resentments because I am spending all this time and energy helping others and no one is helping me…and even if they try they don’t understand how difficult MY issues are because I HAVE to face my own consequences…which are scary.

Codependancy is about fear. Its about not trusting that God will help others and that His lessons are somehow not appropriate. Its about becoming someone elses God! and not giving them the dygnity they need to do it for themselves.

When my own hula hoop is in order and I can help objectively and without resentment then I am free to help others.I have to learn my own lessons about setting healthy boundaries and how to let go of my victim mentality. Learning to work on me has not been easy.

Theres a wonderful daily reader by Melody Beattie called ‘The language of letting go’. Its helped me (among other things) to free my mind from being hyjacked by others so that I can learn to focus on my own needs. On the whole now (Progress not perfection) I can detach from the needs of others and find some balance and serenity.

Your problem is that your room mate has exerted her boundaries but you haven’t had the courage to voice yours. The rules are one sided so you are left feeling resentful. Resenments are blocks to God. Faith becomes confused. As people we become lost.

Codependancy is a fear of letting people know who we really are because we want to be liked. But we end up disliked because of our lack of honesty…and our mood swings! People just don’t know where they stand and we end up being the victim without the other person understanding why or how.

Denial of course covers up the fear so we can’t see it.

rather a long share sorry. I hope this helps a bit.

Stepper

 

[mamaslo]

so that they will think I am the greatest thing since pockets?

LSK…I have heard of this quote referring to sliced bread, but I like yours better…sliced bread is overrated, but pockets, are very useful.

 

[music2]

Hi.
Speaking on a practical level,can you both go to bed at the same time?
Could you agree that you will have the lights and TV etc off at a certain time and that if someone can’t sleep that they will only listen to music with headphones.
Maybe,you could even get an opaque curtain to seperate your bed areas when you sleep so that you/her arn’t bothered by the others light if reading/TV?
If you do that,just make sure you go halfs in it financially or you could end up again feeling that its all you ‘giving’/'accomodating" etc.
Its not ideal,and it doesnt solve the whole problem as in internal feelings,but it’s maybe a practical solution for the meantime that could help a bit?
I’m assuming that she isn’t an “entitlement feeling brat”(i hate those words so excuse it please) or selfish etc but that shes nice and you and her both simply have different sleeping needs.

 

[acarlson]

I’m sorry that I don’t know what advice to give, but I will keep you in my prayers! :hug1:

I too do not have anything to offer you other than prayers. May our Lord give you the peace, wisdom and strength you need.

Thank you both very much! Prayers work wonders

 

[acarlson]

Before I reply, I should mention that I forgot to say that I’m currently on summer break and will NOT be sharing a room with this person again. We’ll be living in the same apartment with the same people, but we’ll have individual bedrooms.

Let me tell you what I am working towards: it is all about motives.

What are my motives for trying to be kind and accomodating to another? Am I trying to go along to get along so that they will think I am the greatest thing since pockets? Am I trying to be kind and accomodating because that is what Jesus wants from me?

If I am hoping to be loved and admired, I may be harboring a secret, small desire that the person see MY accomodating nature as something they should admire - and this admiration will cause them to treat me in the manner I hope to be treated (which is, of course, really well).

Perhaps, with the help of a third party (maybe her therapist?), the two of you could sit down and come up with a better plan for sharing your space. You may need to require her to turn off the light, stop watching tv, etc not because you HAVE to have the room quiet but as a way to show her how people give and take in a communal situation.

It is just a thought - meanwhile, I will keep you in my prayers.

Ah. That’s very true. I wonder what my motives really are. . . am I trying to be loving because that’s what God wants, or because I hope it’ll “rub off” on her? Very good point! Thank you!

Codependancy is about fear. Its about not trusting that God will help others and that His lessons are somehow not appropriate. Its about becoming someone elses God! and not giving them the dygnity they need to do it for themselves.

Your problem is that your room mate has exerted her boundaries but you haven’t had the courage to voice yours. The rules are one sided so you are left feeling resentful. Resenments are blocks to God. Faith becomes confused. As people we become lost.

Oh my goodness. Those were words that I needed to . . . read? Hear? Hahaha. It’s true. . . dealing with your own problems is the hardest of all. Thank you so much. Truly, that was very helpful Really, that last part pretty much took the words right out of my mouth. Or fingers.

Hi.
Speaking on a practical level,can you both go to bed at the same time?

Maybe,you could even get an opaque curtain to seperate your bed areas when you sleep so that you/her arn’t bothered by the others light if reading/TV?
If you do that,just make sure you go halfs in it financially or you could end up again feeling that its all you ‘giving’/'accomodating" etc.

I’m assuming that she isn’t an “entitlement feeling brat”(i hate those words so excuse it please) or selfish etc but that shes nice and you and her both simply have different sleeping needs.

Again, we’re on break now, so there’s nothing to be done at this moment. We DID try to go to bed at the same time, but sometimes, usually once a week, that simply wasn’t possible. Also, the room’s layout wouldn’t work with dividing it up. Our room was an “L” shape with my bed along the horizontal part of the L with her bed and both our desks along the vertical part. The bathroom was located at the far end of the horizontal part. We both payed the same rate for room and board, so we were already splitting the cost. And you’re right, she’s not like that, she’s just been raised in a way that’s quite different from my upbringing. When that clashes with our sleeping differences, it just makes everything go poorly.