Cohabitating?

[EeyoresButerfly]

He is still looking for a teaching job. We both just received our Master’s in Education (I’m Sped he is Secondary Social Studies). Right now the job market for teachers is wretched, especially for social studies teachers. I have accepted a job in his area, but we do not know that he will be able to right away. He wants to have a teaching job before he proposes (not just his job as a supervisor at a theme park) and be more financially stable. While I wish he would just hurry up and propose, I do understand his reasoning and think it is sound.

I talked to my parents tonight and told them with all things considered I don’t think it’s a good idea and they are actually pushing me to think about ti some more. I asked my mom why and she said that it makes good financial sense and they have absolutely no doubts about the two of us being able to maintain our commitment. They trust us implicitly. I did tell her that sometimes it feels like our relationship is backwards, that they should be arguing my side and vice versa!

 

[Jea9]

I think that if you wait to be ‘financially stable’ you never will be. I still urge you to not do this as I don’t think that we should test ourselves in such a way. And, if you are still thinking about it, definitely urge you to speak with your pastor! Right away! And you should prayerfully think about all of the different ways that this could be scandalous. Maybe people should mind their own business…I’ll agree with you on that as I live in a small town and you can’t visit someone without the neighbors calling that person later to see what you wanted. Lol. But, maybe the people that will know DO believe you and trust that you’re strong enough not to give into temptation; this might make them think ‘if EeyoresButerfly and her BF can do it, we probably can too!’ But they may not be as strong as you are. And, honestly, if you think that being in this close of proximity to one another for an extended period of time WON’T be an occasion of sin or a temptation to you…are you sure that you will have them later? We’re created to be attracted to the opposite sex; when choosing a spouse this is something to think about.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I think you’ve recieved very good advice on this thread, which I won’t rehash. It’s not in the least bit judegemental, I don’t think. Much of the advice here is completely in-line with church teaching as well as just being good common sense.
Many people here talk from experience based on past and present experiences with romantic-type relationships.

I think the one quote that sums the advice up - the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

He is still looking for a teaching job. We both just received our Master’s in Education (I’m Sped he is Secondary Social Studies). Right now the job market for teachers is wretched, especially for social studies teachers. I have accepted a job in his area, but we do not know that he will be able to right away. He wants to have a teaching job before he proposes (not just his job as a supervisor at a theme park) and be more financially stable. While I wish he would just hurry up and propose, I do understand his reasoning and think it is sound.

I talked to my parents tonight and told them with all things considered I don’t think it’s a good idea and they are actually pushing me to think about ti some more. I asked my mom why and she said that it makes good financial sense and they have absolutely no doubts about the two of us being able to maintain our commitment. They trust us implicitly. I did tell her that sometimes it feels like our relationship is backwards, that they should be arguing my side and vice versa!

The flip side of the “good financial sense” is that he can leave you at any time and clean you out and you may not have any legal recourse. This is one of the arguements that I don’t think have been brought up on this thread.

At least with a marraige, there are laws that at least try to protect interests of all parties involved. This should make break ups harder, in theory anyways. Not that I’m promoting divorce…

 

[Matt33]

He is still looking for a teaching job. We both just received our Master’s in Education (I’m Sped he is Secondary Social Studies). Right now the job market for teachers is wretched, especially for social studies teachers. I have accepted a job in his area, but we do not know that he will be able to right away. He wants to have a teaching job before he proposes (not just his job as a supervisor at a theme park) and be more financially stable. While I wish he would just hurry up and propose, I do understand his reasoning and think it is sound.

I talked to my parents tonight and told them with all things considered I don’t think it’s a good idea and they are actually pushing me to think about ti some more. I asked my mom why and she said that it makes good financial sense and they have absolutely no doubts about the two of us being able to maintain our commitment. They trust us implicitly. I did tell her that sometimes it feels like our relationship is backwards, that they should be arguing my side and vice versa!

It is interesting to watch as this thread continues. I think it is great that he want’s to wait for a job. I don’t see any problem with that and actually think it is wise. But when you make decisions based on logic and morality like that you have to realize what you want to say with your lives. You guys seem to want to do things “right” and traditional. Excellent. But let your whole lives be that way. Don’t move in together, let it be a sign to your family. While it may be tempting to “put the cart before the horse” It may even work out as finacially frugal. or easy but there is more to the cost than the money. Like hypocracy, example, and future teaching power for your kids. I think you will be so glad and PROUD later in life if you follow Holy Mother Church on this one.

 

[wanner47]

May I ask why he feels he needs to be “financially stable” before he proposes? If it takes him, say, 2+ years to find a job, will you be comfortable waiting that long?

Given that pre-Cana alone takes 6 months, it might be wise to start that immediately, so if he does find a job, you could get married sooner.

If he’s waiting because he wants to buy you an über-expensive engagement ring… in my opinion, that’s really not necessary. My DH and I were both pretty poor when we met. The ring he bought me was $150, a 1/5 carat diamond solitaire with a 14 karat gold band. I still love it to this day. I would have been happy with a $10 cubic zirconia, or even no ring at all! It wasn’t the ring that was important… it was the love it represented, and I knew I had that, ring or no ring.

It’s more important to have a good marriage than an expensive wedding, and I would sir down with your boyfriend and have a talk about why, in his opinion, being “financially stable” is more important than having a solid commitment to one another.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

besides… why don’t you get married really fast?

Eeyores’, my old parish priest whom I loved and esteemed a lot, would give the same advice (LOL, Grace, I know you are not an old parish priest). If you two folks are ready to make the commitment to each other and tie the knot, just do it now and get over with it. This will also solve your moral dilemma, and you will be able to move in together without feeling guilt or second-guessing your decision. Other than that, please do not expect authentic Catholics, at a Catholic forum, to approve of cohabitation before marriage. The Church does not approve this, regardless of whether you plan or not to be sexually intimate, and we are simply being faithful to the teachings of our Church and relying on its wisdom when we say that it is not OK to cohabitate. There’s no way to sugarcoat this or change the teachings of our Church - cohabitation is quite simply not acceptable.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I just think it cheapens marriage, personally. I think two people also become comfortable in paying bills together, and pretty soon, 1 year turns into 5 years, and still no ring, no proposal. … I would get a roommate before I would go this route.

Whatevergirl, that’s a very good insight. I couldn’t put it in words, but I just felt inside, that if Eeyores’ was my own niece, and some guy wanted to move in with her before proposing to her and marrying her first, I could absolutely feel no respect for that guy, for trying to take advantage of my niece like that. And I would positively try to persuade her not to accept such an arrangement - I wouldn’t care whether they planned to sleep together or not.

 

[The_Proselyte]

And God isn’t going to help you out when you put yourself in such danger, you will fail because you took the first step that was wrong and showed yourself not cautious of sin.

Shin, Romans 8:38-39! God has never and will never forsake us, no matter the case! As Christians, we must ALWAYS remember!

EeyoresButerfly, please allow me to add my insignificant piece to your issue. I completely get your perspective. You and your parents feel this decision would be made out of convenience, and hence would have nothing to do with the Christian relationship the two of you have built together. However, it seems as if you’re not too keen on the situation. If your parents are telling you it’s a good idea, but you’re still asking the question then it seems as if he should move in with his parents until you two are married. This isn’t just an issue of financial convenience; your spiritual peace of mind is at stake here. If one is apprehensive about a situation, it’s best not to entertain the idea.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Eeyores’, my old parish priest whom I loved and esteemed a lot, would give the same advice (LOL, Grace, I know you are not an old parish priest). If you two folks are ready to make the commitment to each other and tie the knot, just do it now and get over with it. This will also solve your moral dilemma, and you will be able to move in together without feeling guilt or second-guessing your decision. Other than that, please do not expect authentic Catholics, at a Catholic forum, to approve of cohabitation before marriage. The Church does not approve this, regardless of whether you plan or not to be sexually intimate, and we are simply being faithful to the teachings of our Church and relying on its wisdom when we say that it is not OK to cohabitate. There’s no way to sugarcoat this or change the teachings of our Church - cohabitation is quite simply not acceptable.

You bring up several good points. This is a Catholic forum and the answer will generally be “no, don’t do it.”

There are certain circumstances where the church wouldn’t frown upon this arrangement, but this isn’t one of them.

 

[Magickman]

After living alone for 35 years, I would find cohabitation to be a refreshing change.

In recent decades, cohabitation has become an increasingly popular lifestyle choice. We might ask why this is happening.

It is not just the young and inexperienced, who are cohabiting.

COHABITING, not cohabitating, is the correct spelling.

Yes, cohabitation is practiced across the age spectrum.

Couples can protect themselves from intrusive state marriage laws, by not getting married.

Also, because divorce and remarriage are not permitted by the church, it can make more sense not to get married in the first place.

I am greatly fearful of marriage, but would give cohabitation a try.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Also, because divorce and remarriage are not permitted by the church, it can make more sense not to get married in the first place.

I am greatly fearful of marriage, but would give cohabitation a try.

Regarding your first paragraph, Magickman, that’s almost exactly what the apostles said to Jesus, after he informed them that divorce and remarriage were permitted by Moses only because of the hardness of their hearts, but that they were not in accord with God’s will. The apostles’ reaction was that, in this case, it is not worth to get married. However, to the best of my knowledge, Jesus didn’t reply to the apostles anything like “Well, than go and cohabitate” or “than go and shack up”.

Interestingly, Jesus didn’t deny the apostles’ assertion that in this case it is not worth to get married. He only replied something along the line that not everyone can take this teaching, but whoever can take it (was given to understand), will be better off staying alone.

I was quite amused when I read in St. Theresa of Avila’s autobiography that although she was afraid of joining the nuns, she was way more afraid of the alternative of marriage. And there’s a funny story in St. Francis of Assisi’s biography, describing how he had to resort to a little role playing to persuade himself that he chose wisely by not getting married. When he felt very miserable about living alone, he made six snowmen representing his hypothetical wife, four children, as well as their family’s maid. Then, he said loudly to himself: “now, Francis, here’s your family, go feed them, clothe them, and take care of them, because they all rely on you! You see, Francis, how stupid you are, yearning for trouble when you are living now in peace and without all these responsibilities? Better go back to your hut and give thanks to God!”, and after that episode, St. Francis no longer felt this temptation to get married, and continued to live in peace. Although, in all fairness, we should admit that after some time he found himself at the head of a much bigger family, the order of his Franciscan friars. And St. Theresa of Avila also ended up with pretty big responsibilities as the reformer of the Carmelite order and founder of several convents.

I wonder, Magickman, could you perhaps find some snow to make some snowmen for yourself? Maybe a trip to Alaska? Do you feel a calling to the religious life?

 

[Magickman]

Marriage is a bogeyman to me. The monster under the bed.

Most folks seem to find that marriage is their lifestyle of choice. I will not second guess them.

Some people are afraid of crowds, afraid to drive, or afraid to fly. I am afraid of marriage.

35 years alone in my house is a long time. By now, I tire of the loneliness.

Even cohabitation would be frightening. But I would consider it.

I do not want a family of snowmen. Just a good woman to warm my bed.

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

Marriage is a bogeyman to me. The monster under the bed.

Most folks seem to find that marriage is their lifestyle of choice. I will not second guess them.

Some people are afraid of crowds, afraid to drive, or afraid to fly. I am afraid of marriage.

35 years alone in my house is a long time. By now, I tire of the loneliness.

Even cohabitation would be frightening. But I would consider it.

I do not want a family of snowmen. Just a good woman to warm my bed.

You do know that you are speaking poorly/denying a sacrament.

And you say you are Catholic?!

 

[wanner47]

Marriage is a bogeyman to me. The monster under the bed.

Most folks seem to find that marriage is their lifestyle of choice. I will not second guess them.

Some people are afraid of crowds, afraid to drive, or afraid to fly. I am afraid of marriage.

35 years alone in my house is a long time. By now, I tire of the loneliness.

Even cohabitation would be frightening. But I would consider it.

I do not want a family of snowmen. Just a good woman to warm my bed.

If you want a warm bed, I suggest an electric blanket.

For the loneliness, perhaps you could adopt a puppy.

 

[Magickman]

No, I do not wish to speak evil of Sacramental Marriage. Marriage is a wonderful thing for many couples. And I wish them all well.

But at my age, I will as likely be elected Pope, as to get married. Not a world spiritual leader, so the papacy is a nonstarter for me.

This was a thread about cohabitation. I am not a cohabitor. Since finishing school, I have always lived alone.

Because I am no candidate for marriage, cohabitation would be an option. It would, if I could secure a good woman, anyway.

We all have our weaknesses and quirks. Me, especially.

I would like to have a woman, but I wouldn’t marry her.

 

[tampagrl]

Marriage is a bogeyman to me. The monster under the bed.

Most folks seem to find that marriage is their lifestyle of choice. I will not second guess them.

Some people are afraid of crowds, afraid to drive, or afraid to fly. I am afraid of marriage.

35 years alone in my house is a long time. By now, I tire of the loneliness.

Even cohabitation would be frightening. But I would consider it.

I do not want a family of snowmen. Just a good woman to warm my bed.

awww… :console: at least you’re honest about how you feel.
I don’t agree w/your openess to living w/someone should that ever present itself, especially b/c you do have such a fear of marriage b/c I think that living w/someone would just intensify that fear. I can understand why you would consider it, though.

 

[Matt33]

I would like to have a woman, but I wouldn’t marry her.

This is one of the most sexist, disrespectful things said about women on this board.
I don’t think you are scared. I can’t imagine what you would be scared of.

 

[Jerusha]

Speaking as a woman who is living celibately with a man, I do not recommend it. I currently have no other choice, and I am eager to get out of it. It is a bad example to young people, who have no idea what is or is not going on. It is difficult, especially when love is involved. I would NEVER marry the man I am living with, and he would NEVER marry me. We are friends, but that is all.

Unless you have no other choice, and I mean, homelessness is the only alternative, then, don’t do it.

 

[OraProNobisIHM]

No, I do not wish to speak evil of Sacramental Marriage. Marriage is a wonderful thing for many couples. And I wish them all well.

But at my age, I will as likely be elected Pope, as to get married. Not a world spiritual leader, so the papacy is a nonstarter for me.

This was a thread about cohabitation. I am not a cohabitor. Since finishing school, I have always lived alone.

Because I am no candidate for marriage, cohabitation would be an option. It would, if I could secure a good woman, anyway.

We all have our weaknesses and quirks. Me, especially.

I would like to have a woman, but I wouldn’t marry her.

Who says cohabitation would be an option for you? It is not smart, nor is it safe (morally).