Cohabitation and Convalidation

[Serenity412]

My fiancé and I who currently live together and have a daughter, plan on having a convalidated marriage next year after he completes RCIA. We have already spoken with the Deacon at our church and have decided this is the best option for us.
I was wondering if anyone knows what might be expected of us through this process?
I know sometimes they ask cohabitating couples to live apart but seeing that we have a child, this has not been suggested.
Thank you.

 

[pensmama87]

Usually the term “convalidation” refers to people who have been married (invalidly) outside the Church (e.g. a civil ceremony). Are you going to be getting civilly married?

Otherwise, what you’re describing is simply a wedding.

If you are Catholic and want to return to the sacraments, you would have to cease being intimate with each other until after you are actually married (in the Church), and then go to confession. (You’ll have to go to confession anyway, even afterwards, but then intimacy with your husband is no sin at all, so you’re not just adding.)

Hope this is not confusing!

 

[Serenity412]

We plan on getting married at the courthouse within the next month.

 

[pensmama87]

We plan on getting married at the courthouse within the next month.

OK, so that makes more sense.

You might be asked to go through the regular marriage prep stuff, or some parts may be accelerated, or there might be other aspects of it that would be covered.

The stuff about the sacraments still stands - you will not be able to receive Communion until after you go to confession and are married in the Church.

Is there a reason you want to wait until your fiancé completes RCIA? You could be validly married before that is done. A church wedding does not have to be a “big” affair.

 

[AKDee]

I think more likely than asking you to live apart, due to your situation you might be asked to live “as brother and sister” and remain chaste until you are married in the eyes of the Church.

 

[phil19034]

Out of curiosity, instead of getting married at the court house, why not get married by the Deacon inside the rectory or Church?

Will your convalidation be a small ceremony or are you planning a large (typical) wedding then?

I’m just wondering why you are waiting for him to complete RCIA? If the convalidation will be a small affair, why not simply do the wedding with the Deacon next month the same way he would do the convalidation?

 

[Serenity412]

My fiance was baptized Catholic and my parish would like him to finish his sacraments since he is willing.
We want to be in full communion with the church.
Also, our parish requires a minimum of six months of marriage preparation before we can get married.

 

[phil19034]

My fiance was baptized Catholic and my parish would like him to finish his sacraments since he is willing.
We want to be in full communion with the church.
Also, our parish requires a minimum of six months of marriage preparation before we can get married.

ahhh, OK. In general they really shouldn’t be so stringent on this, but I understand the pre-Cana requirement.

But please keep in mind, if they are asking you to wait, they technically are assuming you will remain Chaste until then.

In general, many pastors & Bishops (not the RCIA director, deacons, lay people, etc) will make exceptions for your situation.

Good luck and God Bless

 

[nodito]

My fiance was baptized Catholic and my parish would like him to finish his sacraments since he is willing.
We want to be in full communion with the church.
Also, our parish requires a minimum of six months of marriage preparation before we can get married.

Catholic parishes often require a time of preparation and marriage discernment before they will allow couples to be married in the Church. This is to ensure that couples are not rushing into something without thinking through the lifelong consequences of it, and to prepare the couple for the responsibilities of married life. It’s also an opportunity for the parish to teach couples all the things about the sacrament of marriage that are necessary to live this vocation.

I would strongly encourage you and your fiance not to marry civilly next month. A civil marriage is not valid for Catholics, and you still wouldn’t be able to morally sleep with your fiance. I agree that it is usually preferable for a couple to have received confirmation prior to marriage, but it’s not necessary, and it may be possible for you to receive more timely instruction so that you do not need to wait until after Easter to be wed.

God bless.

 

[Kelfa28]

My fiance was baptized Catholic and my parish would like him to finish his sacraments since he is willing.
We want to be in full communion with the church.
Also, our parish requires a minimum of six months of marriage preparation before we can get married.

Which is fine…but a court house marriage between 2 baptize Catholics is not valid and you cannot take part in the Eucharist if you are intimate…until you are married sacramentally.

I was in a similar position you were in. My husband and I were engaged and living together when we decided to come into the Church together.

I was baptized and only needed Confirmation…he wasn’t baptized.

I was also pregnant.

We told two Priests, a Deacon and our Parish Director our situation and not one of them thought it was a good idea for us to separate because of our situation.

My MIL was pushing hard for us to marry civilly…my husband told her there was no point in doing so because it wasn’t a valid Catholic marriage anyway and our situation wouldn’t be different except we would be married civilly and be able to take advantage of insurance…which wasn’t a concern for us.

So we waited, we abstained and started both RCIA and marriage prep at the same time. Eight months later we received all of our sacraments within a couple of weeks.

Yes it was long…but so worth it on our wedding night.

It is frustrating to have to go through Marriage prep when you’re clearly in a very different situation then most of the other couples working through marriage prep.
Believe me…my husband and I were exactly in you position.

It’s still important and there is a reason why Priests require it.

Good luck and God Bless.

 

[Gorgias]

If you are Catholic and want to return to the sacraments, you would have to cease being intimate with each other until after you are actually married (in the Church), and then go to confession.

This isn’t accurate, strictly speaking. This solution – a ‘pastoral’ arrangement – isn’t something that’s automatic. A person’s pastor might offer it to a couple, if he thinks it’s proper (and if he thinks that there’s no risk of sin or scandal)… but it’s not something that’s a right or something that’s automatic or something that a couple can demand that they be given.

If the OP’s pastor suggested the ‘living as brother and sister’ arrangement, then you’d have a point. Without the pastor having made that offer, it’s not something that’s in play…

 

[EasterJoy]

My fiance was baptized Catholic and my parish would like him to finish his sacraments since he is willing.
We want to be in full communion with the church.
Also, our parish requires a minimum of six months of marriage preparation before we can get married.

Do you mean to say that you are both baptized Catholic, you are living together as the parents of your child, and you are being asked to wait until* next Easter *before you marry? That isn’t six months. That is over eight months.

***Can. 1065 §1. *Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before they are admitted to marriage if it can be done without grave inconvenience.

Since you are both baptized Catholics and you are already parents, ask your pastor to marry you in the Church as soon as he deems it possible, considering your entire situation, including not only your parenthood but also your intention to avail yourself of civil marriage within the month. The six-month policy is just that: a policy. Confirm with your pastor that there is no way he will consider shortening the time period for your case. Absolutely ask that you not be prevented from a valid marriage until the Easter season arrives again.

 

[EasterJoy]

Which is fine…but a court house marriage between 2 baptize Catholics is not valid and you cannot take part in the Eucharist if you are intimate…until you are married sacramentally.

Civil marriage might be well-advised because of the legal protections it provides the couple and their child, should one of the couple die or become incapacitated prior to their Church wedding. It is about a lot more than insurance benefits, even if it does not morally free them to have marital relations prior to their valid marriage. It does not constitute a greater scandal than their choice to live together and have a child together prior to marriage, either. They do not even have to publicize to anyone that they have legally married unless it is necessary.

 

[pensmama87]

This isn’t accurate, strictly speaking. This solution – a ‘pastoral’ arrangement – isn’t something that’s automatic. A person’s pastor might offer it to a couple, if he thinks it’s proper (and if he thinks that there’s no risk of sin or scandal)… but it’s not something that’s a right or something that’s automatic or something that a couple can demand that they be given.

If the OP’s pastor suggested the ‘living as brother and sister’ arrangement, then you’d have a point. Without the pastor having made that offer, it’s not something that’s in play…

I’m confused by your response.

Is it not “in play” because the OP shares a household with the fiancé?

My suggestion was that they stop sinning. If she does, in fact, repent, then confession would be the first place to go. I personally think that it would be better, though difficult, to stop now and wait for valid marriage to resume relations. The civil license may confer benefits especially for their child, but it’s still not a valid marriage until they’re married in the Church (since OP is Catholic.)

I get that one could technically go to confession and be refused absolution, but that’s very rare, and I think you’re talking about something else and I’m not understanding you.

 

[1ke]

My fiancé and I who currently live together and have a daughter, plan on having a convalidated marriage next year after he completes RCIA. We have already spoken with the Deacon at our church and have decided this is the best option for us.

I’d encourage you to correct your marital situation now, not later. Your fiancé need not have completed RCIA for you to marry in the Church. I know you’ve said you spoke to your Deacon, but I want to toss that out there.

I was wondering if anyone knows what might be expected of us through this process?

Continence. In other words, no sexual relationship.

I know sometimes they ask cohabitating couples to live apart but seeing that we have a child, this has not been suggested.

That is unlikely to be suggested with a young child involved.

 

[1ke]

Absolutely ask that you not be prevented from a valid marriage until the Easter season arrives again.

Yeah that’s crazy. I can’t believe the Deacon gave such advice. UGH!

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah that’s crazy. I can’t believe the Deacon gave such advice. UGH!

In our diocese, the marriage policies are clear enough about not putting any excessive obstacles to marriage that I would call the chancery office if even the pastor took this stance about waiting until Easter to marry in the Church. There is a child involved and the couple IS going to marry civilly right away. If they are told to delay civil marriage and one of them dies or is seriously injured, then they will not have the benefits of marriage that they ought to obtained for their family because of their child. If they are civilly married and both Catholic, why have some delay, except to confirm that there will be no defects? I am not saying the couple can just say, “Marry us now,” because the pastor has to have time to satisfy himself that the marriage will indeed be valid and that there is no duress on consent because of the child, but still. Eight months is over the top, particularly since both parties are baptized.

 

[Serenity412]

We both understand withholding intimacy is more than likely going to be a requirement and we both are willing to abide by that. If it is not suggested then I’m not sure. All I know if that the Deacon did say is that I cannot receive Communion until after the Church wedding. So I’m not sure if that means we have to abstain or not? Even if we abstain, we are still committing a sin by living together before marriage are we not?

We just got a new Pastor at our church so the Deacon is in the process of talking with him to see what his processes/preferences are for this type of thing.

We do want to be married civilly due to the protections it offers for our daughter.

 

[1ke]

We both understand withholding intimacy is more than likely going to be a requirement and we both are willing to abide by that. If it is not suggested then I’m not sure.

As adults, you don’t need someone else to suggest it to know and do the right thing.

All I know if that the Deacon did say is that I cannot receive Communion until after the Church wedding.

If you are living chastely, there is no impediment to the Eucharist after going to Confession.

Even if we abstain, we are still committing a sin by living together before marriage are we not?

If you are living chastely in the same house, no. You are providing a stable home to an innocent child, an act of charity and sacrifice, not a sin.

We just got a new Pastor at our church so the Deacon is in the process of talking with him to see what his processes/preferences are for this type of thing.

I’d encourage you to make an appointment with your pastor and speak directly.

We do want to be married civilly due to the protections it offers for our daughter.

Which is why we are saying you should not be made to wait an extended period to marry in the Church.

 

[EasterJoy]

As adults, you don’t need someone else to suggest it to know and do the right thing.

If you are living chastely, there is no impediment to the Eucharist after going to Confession.

If you are living chastely in the same house, no. You are providing a stable home to an innocent child, an act of charity and sacrifice, not a sin.

I’d encourage you to make an appointment with your pastor and speak directly.

Which is why we are saying you should not be made to wait an extended period to marry in the Church.

This. OP, the pastor must confirm that your consent is valid–that you understand and intend all the goods of marriage, and so on–but he also has a duty to see to it that you are free to be married without undue delay, if he sees that your consent will be valid.

You have a serious reason to seek civil marriage as soon as possible–that is, you have a child with a future you need to provide for, even if one or both of you dies. This is why I would respectfully press your pastor to allow you the earliest possible wedding date, which is to say as soon as he can satisfy himself that the resulting marriage will be valid.