Cohabitation explanation

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thomasf

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That kinda rhymes. 😃

I understand the church’s stance on cohabitation as far as premarital sex goes. That’s a no brainer. But I hear so much stuff from both the catholic and secular world about cohabitation being a bad thing for people before marriage, bad for relationships, etc. And I guess I don’t get why. So I am asking, how exactly does cohabitation negatively affect a relationship. And are there other issues with living together, other than premarital sex, that the church objects to?

I’m not necessarily arguing or disagreeing with this opinion or the church’s stance against it. I’m just trying to understand it. I left the church after high school and just returned this year. While I was away I did get married, and my wife and I and her 2 girls did live together before my wife and I got married. And my experience of cohabitation is much different from what I keep hearing, and the effects of living together, in our particular case, were very positive and I think a big reason why my marriage is so good. IMO. So I am just trying to understand the objections and the general issues, other than the sexual one, and even the evidence of negative effects that lead to such a negative stance against it.

And understand, I’m not recommending it, nor promoting it, nor disagreeing with the church’s stance. I’m just trying to understand why it is seen so negatively and what the usual negative issues are or the bad experiences people have.

And before someone says something, yes my wife and I have taken all the appropriate and necessary actions required by the church to make our marriage valid and so that we are in communion with the church and not in mortal sin.
 
I think it’s all about the lack of expectations and the different expectations. Both people know they’re not married, but both people also know that in some sense they’re acting like they’re married. So within that contradictory situation you’re going to find a whole range of attitudes and expectations, from “roommates with advantages” to “married, just without the piece of paper”. And each of them knows that when problems arise, escape is just a door away. “No commitment” is the underlying reality.

In a healthy (not impulsive or too young) marriage you won’t find that range of attitudes and expectations, so in a healthy marriage there will be much more of a common mind, and much more of a determination to work through problems, and much more of a sense (and a desire) that the relationship is forever.
 
You took on two step-daughters that you must treat as your own. Wait until they are in their early 20s(or younger), meet some sleazy slimy guys, want to cohabitate with them, and then you’ll rue the day that you modelled immorality, regardless of whether you technically had sex with their mother or not. They’ll assume that since mommy modelled cohabitative behavior, it must be alright. When they do, neither you nor your wife will be able to object, without coming across as hypocrites.
Granted, that is not guaranteed to happen, but you certainly have tremendously increased the probability of it. How can you teach those girls anything about morality, or keep them away from the wrong guys, when you treated their mother in that shameful way?
Regardless of whether you were having sex with their mother or not, you left that woman who is now your wife open to be viewed as a woman who modelled SEXUAL immorality to her two daughters. Granted, society would be guilty for pointing fingers of judgement, but can you honestly say you were protecting your wife’s integrity?
I don’t mean to come across in a harsh manner, but the impact that this can have on your step-daughters is the glaring problem that stands out in my mind.
 
Interestingly, couples that cohabit before marriage are much more likely to divorce than couples that don’t.

It may have something to do with the ever-present but unspoken assumption that marriage doesn’t alter the relationship, that things won’t change significantly.

There’s no previously cohabiting married couple I know who, if they’re remotely honest, won’t admit that marriage is a big adjustment in every case. Heck, if I can see the changes looking from the outside then they can’t fail to be aware of 'em.
 
LillyM: What exactly are the differences or changes? Especially those you have noticed.

Franklawrence: You didn’t mean to sound harsh, but you did. You made some great points that I would agree with you on. But at the same time you sound judgemental and harsh to me, and frankly you don’t know the situation and I think you could have made your points without the negative tone. But thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

😃
 
Hi thomasf! One of the reasons *most *marriages that don’t begin with cohabitation seem to “last” is that the people involved are more often mindful of the fact that marriage isn’t simply a civil act…it’s the sacrament of a covenant. Because of the sacramentality of matrimony, the relationship of the husband and wife is God centered – the couple make a covenant bond with God. The bond between them is the love, not the feelings.

Emotions are something that is part of our humanity, and often beyond our control. We say that we “love” a person, most often based upon our emotional response. When that emotional response fades, we “fall out of love.”

In reality, love is something much greater, and has nothing at all to do with feelings, so it can’t “end.”

On the other side of that, intimate relationships that are not covenant centered are, most often, based upon feelings. When those feelings change and the relationship is over, we bring with us the memories, both good and bad. They can intrude upon our current relationships, can result in negative comparisons, and often produce guilt. That’s a lot of baggage to carry around!

Even in a “model” matrimonial covenant there are a lot of stressors and challenges. When the baggage from the past interferes with our feelings and attitudes in the present, there’s likely to be repercussions.

Unlike a sin of, say, stealing, that is not relative to the relationship, so will not impact it, prior sexual encounters are difficult to segregate because they relate to the intimacy you are now sharing.

Make sense?
 
thomasf said:
LillyM: What exactly are the differences or changes? Especially those you have noticed.

Franklawrence: You didn’t mean to sound harsh, but you did. You made some great points that I would agree with you on. But at the same time you sound judgemental and harsh to me, and frankly you don’t know the situation and I think you could have made your points without the negative tone. But thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

😃
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I apologize if I came across that way. I, myself, am struggling with the sin of judgementalness, and my words don’t always come across with the most tact and eloquence. I appreciate your kind way of rebuking me, which I must admit was far more loving and charitable than my reply to you. I wish you, your wife, and your step-daughters all the best in the future.
 
The Rutgers University Marriage Project has several articles. They completed some long-term studies on cohabitation.

marriage.rutgers.edu/

Go to the publication section and choose “Should We Live Together”.
 
LilyM said:
Interestingly, couples that cohabit before marriage are much more likely to divorce than couples that don’t.

It may have something to do with the ever-present but unspoken assumption that marriage doesn’t alter the relationship, that things won’t change significantly.

There’s no previously cohabiting married couple I know who, if they’re remotely honest, won’t admit that marriage is a big adjustment in every case. Heck, if I can see the changes looking from the outside then they can’t fail to be aware of 'em.
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Not to excuse cohabitation but my previous pastor noted that cohabitating couples frequently marry as a last resort when their relationship is breaking up. This makes some contribution to the higher divorce rate.
 
My two cents from seeing many of my young adult friends cohabitate: it’s a security issue.

And if you’re using someone or some situation as a security blanket or a wheelchair instead of dealing with your problems, then you’re bound to either a) continue to be so messed up that the person leaves or b) grow up and not need the person.

C’mon, people who live together do everything married people do. So ask the person, why not just get married?

“We don’t have enough money to get married” well then what in the world are you doing together…you’re using a person to get food, shelter, school books, etc. (Actually knew a guy who agreed to move in with a woman so he could afford rent. Of course, that’s never the real reason, right?)

“We don’t want to have a family yet/ever” well then what in the world are you doing getting it on together…all contraceptives fail…even abortions can be botched!

“My mom/sister/dad doesn’t approve of him/her” Hmmm, sure some families have their discords, but can we say…Red Flag that they hate him and red flag that you can’t stand up to them!

“We want to finish school first” Okay…you can live together and go to school but not be married? I guess married people only have 12 hour days?

Etc etc.
 
From Life Site News, the headline - “Cohabitation ends in Separation 90% of the Time”

The study comes from Demography and the lead reseracher was Daniel Lichter of Cornell University.

It is not as if Rutgers was the only one coming up with information about cohabiting. And interestingly, it keeps coming up the smae direction.

Too many people think that cohabiting is wrong because the Church says it is immoral. That is bass-akwards; it is immoral becaue it is intrinsicaly wrong.

There is ample information out there as to why it is wrong; among the issues are the fact that people have seriously downplayed what marriage is actually about. To put it in plain English, look at St. Paul’s comments about what love is or is not.

Love at its essence - love, not the emotion of being “in love” - is self-sacrificial. someone entering into cohabiting is not starting from a self-sacrificial attitude; they want to have someone aroundf, they want to have sex, they want to have stability (no bars or other dating scenes to repeat ad infinitum); list out all the things that each party wants, and I’d bet a whole lot of money (and I’m not a betting person) that each statement starts with “I want…”

Not exactly a self-giving list, no?

People talk about “trial marriages”. Go look again at the headlines at the top. It is not a trial marriage - if it were, why is almost none of it working?

And don’t answer me that yours is working; you haven’t been in it 20 years, let alone 50.

The reasons are so many, that I almost prefer not to even enter the discussion, as it should be so self obvious if anyone is paying any attention at all.

I am not so naieve as to presume that marriages 50 or 75 years ago were all glorious, wonderful, fulfilling, life-affirming, (fill in the blank). But people were willing to make a committment and stick with it; and surprisingly, those who did stick with it most often found that 5 years after a sticky, stinky part, they were happier. Now, they are just divorced.

We live in an age of hypersexualization; in which it seems almost anything we see or do has some sexual connotation or inuendo. But sex doesn’t keep a marriage together; it is not the glue. Committment is; and a cohabiting couple has already told each other that they are not willing to make a committment; and maybe they will later, or maybe not. And when they get to that committment point - if they even do, and if it is not the last gasp to keep things together - they have laid a fouandation that committment isn’t really all that deep; they didn’t have it before, but now some ceremony with words “I do” are supposed to provide the depth they didn’t have. It is too much of a “gee, I guess we should…” instead of a willingness to make a permanent committment before they set up house.
 
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FrankLawrence:
You took on two step-daughters that you must treat as your own. Wait until they are in their early 20s(or younger), meet some sleazy slimy guys, want to cohabitate with them, and then you’ll rue the day that you modelled immorality, regardless of whether you technically had sex with their mother or not. They’ll assume that since mommy modelled cohabitative behavior, it must be alright. When they do, neither you nor your wife will be able to object, without coming across as hypocrites.
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Whaaat? No, not necessarily at ALL! Mirdath and I chose to live together for a few reasons, and had already decided to marry (a few more weeks, people - let the world tremble! 😉 ). Finances and health were primary, but also we felt very miserable apart from each other, whether chaste or not - not for nothing do even our best friends call us the ‘two-headed monster’! We are not Catholic nor do we hold ourselves up as an ideal in bedroom matters – but there are far worse ways to live and love than what we have managed.

These matters are not so simple no matter one’s faith, at least not for adults. Some sentences can begin with ‘I want’ and follow with ‘to earn for you, to cook for you, to nurse and shelter and worry over you and maybe raise children with you, trust and please you, talk and laugh with you and give you everything I can.’ If that is selfish, then call us gluttons, because when it comes to love, we are just that, for so long as we live. Catholics might say that such is our ‘calling.’
 
Nepenthe said:
Some sentences can begin with ‘I want’ and follow with ‘to earn for you, to cook for you, to nurse and shelter and worry over you and maybe raise children with you, trust and please you, talk and laugh with you and give you everything I can.’ If that is selfish, then call us gluttons, because when it comes to love, we are just that, for so long as we live. Catholics might say that such is our ‘calling.’
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You are right; some sentances can go that way. However, they are not, of themselves, leading to shacking up.
 
Nepenthe said:
Whaaat? No, not necessarily at ALL! Mirdath and I chose to live together for a few reasons, and had already decided to marry (a few more weeks, people - let the world tremble! 😉 ). Finances and health were primary, but also we felt very miserable apart from each other, whether chaste or not - not for nothing do even our best friends call us the ‘two-headed monster’! We are not Catholic nor do we hold ourselves up as an ideal in bedroom matters – but there are far worse ways to live and love than what we have managed.

These matters are not so simple no matter one’s faith, at least not for adults. Some sentences can begin with ‘I want’ and follow with ‘to earn for you, to cook for you, to nurse and shelter and worry over you and maybe raise children with you, trust and please you, talk and laugh with you and give you everything I can.’ If that is selfish, then call us gluttons, because when it comes to love, we are just that, for so long as we live. Catholics might say that such is our ‘calling.’
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Why are you waiting for a few more weeks to get married?
 
There is I think some empirical evidence from sociology to suggest that people who cohabit are more likely to break up, either if they remain in a de-facto relationship or marry later on. I’m not an expert in this area so the reasons are less clear, but the higher rates of break up lead to complicated and messy situations, especially if the couple have children (and even more so if the partners come from a previous marriage or relationship where children have been born). It becomes particularly pernicious when children are involved.

Personally I think the much higher rates of divorce in society, as well as the higher rates of relationship break-downs, are very negative, both for the individual and for society as a whole. The family needs better support, particularly from laws relating to relationships and also in a pastoral sense.
 
The problem I see is people see “living together” before marriage a “trial” basis. Other than being wrong, it is a sin.

I am happy to hear you and your wife took the right steps to clear that.

I have to agree with another poster, what message was sent to your children? When they get older I can hear them words “You and mom lived together before marriage” (Not saying it WILL happen)

My wife and I had the same thing.

My two adopted kids ended up moving into my wife’s home before we were married, however I had an apartment in town. At night I would “go home”. The kids would ask why doesn’t daddy stay here? We would tell them that you can not live together until you are married.

I think, beside it being the proper thing to do, set a HUGE message to our two adopted kids (I adopted them before meeting my wife, she will be adopting them soon).
 
I understand the Statistics of cohabitation and the divorce rate, but I am one who kinda bumped the trend, so to speak.

Before my conversion, I lived with my then boyfriend for 3 year before we finally married. The marriage lasted 14 years before he died suddenly of a seizure. Conversely to that, my sister has been married 5 times with no live-in first. (marriage 5 is now in trouble:shrug: )

I am doing it totally Right this time. Engaged to a wonderful faithfilled Catholic man and NOPE, we are NOT living together first.👍 That being said though, I was totally in-love with my first husband and never ever wanted to leave him. Our marriage, rocky at times, was filled with mutual respect and love.
 
love4mary said:
I understand the Statistics of cohabitation and the divorce rate, but I am one who kinda bumped the trend, so to speak.

Before my conversion, I lived with my then boyfriend for 3 year before we finally married. The marriage lasted 14 years before he died suddenly of a seizure.
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We are not saying that every case there will be a problem, but from a statistic stand point it is not, other than that it is a sin compared to the church, that is reason enough to not do so.
Conversely to that, my sister has been married 5 times with no live-in first. (marriage 5 is now in trouble:shrug: )
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I am sorry to say this and I don’t mean to sound mean here, but I question who the problem is here. 5 marriages? No matter if she lives with them or not, she does not sound to be marriage material. I can understand one or maybe two marriages in failure, but 5? Either she is really making a big mistake in the type of spouse she picks or she has issues of her own.
I am doing it totally Right this time. Engaged to a wonderful faithfilled Catholic man and NOPE, we are NOT living together first.👍 That being said though, I was totally in-love with my first husband and never ever wanted to leave him. Our marriage, rocky at times, was filled with mutual respect and love.
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That is WONDERFUL. My wife and I did not live together either and trust me, when we were married and did move in together it was wonderful, fun, and very special.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Anybody here EVER met a couple that cohabited and did NOT have sex during that time? Almost unheard of. It’s like making an obese person live in a Dairy Queen and expecting them to lose weight.

It comes down to this: cohabitation has NO benefits. Either way the relationship goes is worse. Either,
  1. They eventually get married. But it probably took a lot longer, which almost inevitably means they had premarital sex and are using contraception, so their marital love life is already damaged.
  2. The relationship ends, but the sexual bond artificially extended the duration of the relationship, and results in a much more painful breakup at the end.
In either one, the couple would be better off not cohabiting. In #1, they’d have had the grace of the sacrament earlier and a better shot at avoiding unhealthy sexual behaviors. In #2, they’d have gotten it over with and moved on with less pain and more time left in the childbearing years to find a compatible spouse.
 
To add a slightly religious not sociological thought. Marriage is a sacrament. We obtain grace from sacraments and in marriage our spouse is a primary channel of grace from God. The grace God gives us through marriage enables us to perservere and fight our way through all of the hurdles the world throws at our marriage and the barriers we ourselves build.

No marriage = no grace from marriage. People living together don’t have all the spiritual tools necessary to muddle through as well as facing the attitudes and additional challenges many of the other posters brought up.
 
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